Flamenco81 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Hello. So I have been going out with this girl that I had met through an online dating site. We have a lot in common. We like the same music, we're both quiet, we dress in the same casual fashion, we go to concerts, we have even traveled to a lot of countries in common. Things are going pretty good, and I can tell that she likes me. I think she is great and have fun with her, whoever the only thing that has me sort of still thinking is that while I don't think she is unattractive, I don't feel like a big physical attraction. So in a way I feel like I don't want to get too serious into this if maybe she is going to get hurt in the end because I couldn't develop a big attraction for her. And I am not saying this as a sleazy typical guy, far from it, I have been wanting a meaningful relationship for a while and I realize I am not like a super attractive guy myself. I know personality is super important, and based just on that I feel we are right for each other. So that alone is reason to continue dating and I am leaning towards this. I am just curious to hear of other people's experience regarding similar situations? Have you ever dated someone you didn't find very attractive at first, but the personalities clicked, and later did this make you appreciate the persons looks even more??? I guess if you base a relationship on personality first, over looks then it has a lot more chances of evolving into something meaningful and long lasting.
Miss Ting Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Well, I'm not shallow, I'm just terribly honest with myself, and I couldn't date someone that I didn't have a physical attraction towards (not saying he has to look like Brad Pitt, but something needs to be there). For me, it's hard to develop deep emotional attachment with someone, just by hanging out and talking alone...being intimate with someone does brings its own bond b/w the right parties, and I could not, under any circumstance, become intimate with a person that I was not attracted to. This is when I say "wow, this person is awsome, but we won't become more than friends" and move on. No need to lie to myself or string anyone along. Now, not to say that your attraction towards someone cannot grow over time, because this does tend to happen as two people grow closer together. BUT, even this is not an option for me if the initial attraction isn't present. I have a great friend who could've damn well been my "twin" because we were such great friends and he understood me sooo well. I wasn't attracted to him though, and when he expressed interest on that level, I had to let it go. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't terribly attracted to my ex, he was average to me, but I at least found him somewhat attractive and over time, as our relationship grew, he became the sexiest thing on Earth to me. Bottomline, there's needs to be "something" otherwise it's a deal breaker. Why lie? Maybe it's possible, but I've never seen it done.
fral945 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It depends. I did have one good experience with a women that I didn’t have a big physical attraction to initially. Honestly, though, I have had more bad ones when the physical attraction wasn't there. Therefore, I generally go by the rule that if I don't feel a certain level of physical attraction I don't pursue a relationship. OTOH, you may be different. I don’t think you can really tell until you’ve had sex. Have you?
miguelito13 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Was totally in the same situation about a year and a half ago, I knew this girl for a long time and loved everything about her but wasn't really physically attracted to her what so ever. I kept trying to talk myself into it but it just wasn't there, she must have thought this was bizarre that I was taking her out all the time but never making a move. For the life of me I wanted too so bad but it just wasn't there. I'm not like a lady killer or anything but I'm not bad with girls either and just couldn't seal the deal. She eventually met and started dating someone else who I would assume attempted to kiss her before six months had passed. It didn't last long for them and her and I run into each other on occasion and are very pleasant to each other. I just started dating this other young woman who is wonderful also that I find deftly attractive and kissed on our third date with no convincing having to take place. So in short, if it isn't there it isn't there. People are lying who say looks aren't important in a relationship. If you aren't attracted to someone then they are a plutonic friend and you need to realize that before you string her along and not to be rude, but waste your own time and money.
Isolde Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It's better to reject her NOW, in a caring way, then to let it get to the point of being messy. I say this because she seems to really like you, as more than friends. If she seemed more openminded then my advice might be different. You've been on more than a few dates, right? I think you're past the threshold of being able to become significantly more attracted.
Author Flamenco81 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 We've been on 2 dates now. And I know I could have kissed her on the second one if I had wanted to, but when we said goodbye it was in the middle of the busy subway so I didn't want to do anything there. We will see each other again probably Friday. Like I said, personality is great and I don't find her unattractive. I think for the moment I want to keep things cool, and not be exclusive, and just see if I meet someone who really catches my attention. But I don;t mean this in a bad way, because of course I don;t want to have her there waiting feeling hurt. But I don;t want to jump into a serious relationship straight away if I am also talking with a couple other people. But I also don't want to just let go of what could be a good relationship with her. I feel I have to give it some time and that's it.
monkey00 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Of all the girls I've met in my life and ones that were interested in me, not one of them sealed the deal except one. If there is no chemistry or physical attraction then there is really no drive to move the relationship forward. All you guys will end up being are just friends.
Chicago_Guy Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I think it is a problem. If you are attractive, you should hold out for a woman whom you find physically attractive. That's one of the reasons why I never liked online dating - the women I thought looked good in an online photo on eHarmony never looked as good in person.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I didn't really hit the hard physical attraction with my honey until our 2nd date. Mainly because there was zero touching the first date...I couldn't really gauge chemistry. I'm a touch person. So if I had tossed it away after just the first date, I would be missing out right now. But like Isolde said - if you've already been on several dates and that attraction is not there, then I think you're setting her up to get hurt.
DollWelch Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 This is definitely something only you can figure out on your own. Sooner or later, you will have to tell her. I say let her go. Yes. Move on; break it up with her. Why torture yourself? Why fight something that you may not have much control over? It's like this: Do you want to end up on the 10th date (giver or take time) with her, then come one night, you blurt out that you were never really attracted to her in the first place and proceed to walk out. I doubt she'll be intact and well composed after this move. Free yourself. Find some other woman to date.
prettybaby Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Have you ever dated someone you didn't find very attractive at first, but the personalities clicked, ... Yes. ... and later did this make you appreciate the persons looks even more??? No. He basically became my best friend.
anne1707 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Like I said, personality is great and I don't find her unattractive. I think for the moment I want to keep things cool, and not be exclusive, and just see if I meet someone who really catches my attention. . You have answered your question here. The fact that you are hoping for someone who really catches your attention means you should really end it with this woman now. It is not fair to her to keep seeing her as it is leading her to believe attraction and a desire for a relationship is mutual and it is not fair to you because you are having to compromise yourself to be with her. The latter is no criticism of her, it is just unfortunatley the way it is as something has not "clicked into place" for you. You cannot force these feelings.
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