Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Yes, I saw it. BCCA and I posted the same thing at about the same time. I'd just add this as food for thought - although you discount it, it's probably worth considering that your current flame may be thinking along the same lines that BCCA and I were. I say this because he told you that how he feels about the guy will depend on the "vibe" he gets from meeting him. So, even if you discount our comments, you should at least consider the fact that this may be insight into how your SO is viewing things - he may be particularly curious to suss out how your ex feels about you. Just a thought. But oh well, good luck. That's fine. And maybe deep down, that's what it is. He just doesn't know for sure how my ex feels about me and can't take my word for it. I can certainly understand that, which is why having the two of them meet would make the most sense. Thanks.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Most of the posts on here have been consistent while your attitude and responses are troubling. You want everyone to agree with you which unfortunately they do not. If you are not telling someone you have a bf, there is usually an underlying reason (esp. as a bf is very much a part of your life and you are in contact with this other person daily). Again, think about your current bf b/c my deep down feeling is your relationship is definitely at risk of cracking. Good luck - but I have to say you def have a snarky attitude (not in a nice way). Again...please refer to my previous postings...I explained. It would really help if people read everything before offering their opinions. It would save so much time and unnecessary comments. Yes I want everyone to agree with me! That's the reason for my post! Duh! I figured if I could post a situation, give my opinion and somehow get everyone to agree with me, I would be on top of the world! You have figured it all out (you deserve a cookie ---you really do). Oh, and thanks for the compliment.
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I like to rewind, since I'm emotional and do care So I've been dating this guy for nearly 4 months now, and things are going great for the most part. He wants to get serious and that's nice, but he seems to have a problem with my relationship with my ex. And maybe that’s normal. What I’ve come to realize is that I typically don’t think like the vast majority of people out there. In all honesty, it takes a whole lot to move me and I’m not easily stirred, jealous or bothered by many things most people would probably be uneasy about. Hence the ex situation. If the shoe were on the other foot, I honestly wouldn’t care. OK, since the thread has already shown you to be stirred and bothered by our opinions, let me ask a couple of cogent questions: 1. Does the frequency and tone of your contact with your ex lead you to believe he still loves you? 2. Did he dump you or did you dump him? Who took the initiative to end the relationship? How long lived was it? What "moved" you about your ex? 3. Is your current dating partner one of a group or is he the solo current prospect? 4. Are you have sexual relations with your current dating partner?
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I like to rewind, since I'm emotional and do care OK, since the thread has already shown you to be stirred and bothered by our opinions, let me ask a couple of cogent questions: 1. Does the frequency and tone of your contact with your ex lead you to believe he still loves you? 2. Did he dump you or did you dump him? Who took the initiative to end the relationship? How long lived was it? What "moved" you about your ex? 3. Is your current dating partner one of a group or is he the solo current prospect? 4. Are you have sexual relations with your current dating partner? Don't be unfair. I have not been bothered by any opinion that actually addressed my situation. I have only been annoyed when certain individuals started introducing "hypotheticals" that did not apply to my situation, in way of offering an opinion. I'm a rational person. I just don't see the use of blowing the situation out of control in order to address it because at that point, the opinion no longer applies since the situation no longer resembles my situation. If people have a difficult time grasping this concept, I can accept that. I understand that we all cannot read something, analyze it for what it is, and then draw conclusions based solely on the facts given. I also understand that some of us do not know how to avoid jumping to conclusions by simply asking for details and or clarification before rendering an opinion. Personally, it's not the way I operate, but if it works for some, by all means. When I address something presented by someone else, I like for it to actually be based on something stated and not something I've made up myself...but that's just me. We're humans, and we all have very different metal capacities when it comes to reasoning. I fully accept this.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 We're humans, and we all have very different metal capacities when it comes to reasoning. I fully accept this. Translation: "I think I'm smarter and better than others and I fully accept this. I realize some just won't have the same superior level of mental capacity as I do"
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Sorry OP, but I believe you likely need psychological help or are a troll. There's nothing here that is out of ordinary in any relationship discussion on an anonymous internet forum. The questions I asked you are essentially of the same sort our psychologist asked us in MC. They are a way of obtaining an overview of the relationship dynamic. Since it appears you no longer wish to pursue this, I wish you well
Author Miss Ting Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Translation: "I think I'm smarter and better than others and I fully accept this. I realize some just won't have the same superior level of mental capacity as I do" I"m glad you've come to termed with this. I guess you're not quite as stupid as you appear.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Sorry OP, but I believe you likely need psychological help or are a troll. There's nothing here that is out of ordinary in any relationship discussion on an anonymous internet forum. The questions I asked you are essentially of the same sort our psychologist asked us in MC. They are a way of obtaining an overview of the relationship dynamic. Since it appears you no longer wish to pursue this, I wish you well I'll ignore the fact that you've made our correspondence personal by calling me a troll and just say, "yeah"...I got what I needed from the few sensible people who actually addressed my issue. I'll do what I said I would. Thanks for the well wishes. And you're right...I've been through too many of these postings on this forum and the behavior I've witnessed here is very typical...especially "not" addressing the issue and making personal attacks. However, it's something I don't prescribe to and can certainly walk away from. Thanks again.
runner Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 i don't see a problem with remaining friends with an ex. and i'm talking about involved friendships, not just waving hello at the mall sort of "friends." i'm personally not all that close to my ex's but thats mostly due to practical reasons like not living in the same town, and i'm not much of a phone person either. in this case, i'm only referring to ex's i still highly respect, not the douche-bags, obviously. i've also been in the other guy's shoe; i mean the guy Miss Ting is currently dating. i was secure enough in myself and had no reason to mistrust my gf and therefore never found her contact with the ex to be inappropriate. first of all, IME, once a romance is done and buried it's difficult to go back even if i tried; especially if the break-up was mutual and it's agreed that it was never gonna last. i know i'm fortunate to not have been cheated on in this way (knock on wood), but being that some have, i would totally understand someone's discomfort of this situation. and i, too, would also feel uncomfortable if i had even the slightest suspicion that it was more than just being mates. that said, i would agree that the best way to possibly diffuse the situation is for the new guy to have a chance at knowing this ex and see for himself what his true intentions are - observations made over time, of course. back to my situation, though - just seeing that sincere look of disgust on my gf's face at the idea of her ever being naked around her ex ... that helped
Dexter Morgan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I"m glad you've come to termed with this. I guess you're not quite as stupid as you appear. LOL, thinking I come to term with a sarcastic remark. Guess your claim at superior cerebral capacity falls way too short;) And since it seems NOBODY agrees with you in this thread....well......nuff said.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I'll ignore the fact that you've made our correspondence personal by calling me a troll LMFAO...now you are delusional....as if you didn't get personal in this thread yourself. You are a hypocrite. And you're right...I've been through too many of these postings on this forum and the behavior I've witnessed here is very typical...especially "not" addressing the issue and making personal attacks. You mean like the personal attacks you made? Practice what you preach pumpkin. However, it's something I don't prescribe to and can certainly walk away from. LOL, you do prescribe to it. Apparantly the mods realized this as well.
complication Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 To be honest, the reason that men get kind of 'iffy' about ex's is that as much as you want to believe theyre just there as a freind, thats rarely the truth. From a mans perspective, the only reasons I can see to remain in contact with an ex is for either sex or to get back together. And trust me, read through the posts of people cheated on, 9 out of 10 times, it was with an ex, so there is cause for concern, even if you dont agree with it. DOT. Your ex does not want to be friends with you. He's doing for the aforementioned reasons.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 i don't see a problem with remaining friends with an ex. and i'm talking about involved friendships, not just waving hello at the mall sort of "friends." i'm personally not all that close to my ex's but thats mostly due to practical reasons like not living in the same town, and i'm not much of a phone person either. in this case, i'm only referring to ex's i still highly respect, not the douche-bags, obviously. i've also been in the other guy's shoe; i mean the guy Miss Ting is currently dating. i was secure enough in myself and had no reason to mistrust my gf and therefore never found her contact with the ex to be inappropriate. first of all, IME, once a romance is done and buried it's difficult to go back even if i tried; especially if the break-up was mutual and it's agreed that it was never gonna last. i know i'm fortunate to not have been cheated on in this way (knock on wood), but being that some have, i would totally understand someone's discomfort of this situation. and i, too, would also feel uncomfortable if i had even the slightest suspicion that it was more than just being mates. that said, i would agree that the best way to possibly diffuse the situation is for the new guy to have a chance at knowing this ex and see for himself what his true intentions are - observations made over time, of course. back to my situation, though - just seeing that sincere look of disgust on my gf's face at the idea of her ever being naked around her ex ... that helped LOL. The guy that I've been seeing has never been cheated on (or so he has expressed to me from day one...I believe him of course...no reason not to). And I'll admit, overall, he's not a jealous person. He's definitely reasonable and has agreed to meet my ex. I trust that this will obliterate the issue.
runner Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 LOL. The guy that I've been seeing has never been cheated on (or so he has expressed to me from day one...I believe him of course...no reason not to). And I'll admit, overall, he's not a jealous person. He's definitely reasonable and has agreed to meet my ex. I trust that this will obliterate the issue. after meeting a couple of ex's (of ex's), i ended up liking them. obviously they must be somewhat decent if they manage to remain cool friends with the girl i'm seeing whilst not being bothered by me in the picture. good luck with yours.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 after meeting a couple of ex's (of ex's), i ended up liking them. obviously they must be somewhat decent if they manage to remain cool friends with the girl i'm seeing whilst not being bothered by me in the picture Why would they be bothered with you in the picture? I assure you, if they wanted to get up in her, you wouldn't be a thought in their minds as a deterrent. But really, are these the kind of male "friends" that "your girl" hangs out with alone, goes on dates with...things like that? There is a big difference in what alot of people see as "friends".
beefburrito Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 okay ive been in a simialr situation but i think if you really like this new guy you need to stop talking to your ex if its making him unconfortable even if you say there no chance you guys would get back together. my ex would say that about his ex and now their back together and he would always talk about how wrong they are for each other. the thing is its hard for a boy and a girl to be friends without one of them (at some point) having feelings for the other. so i think you need to choose one of them.
amythan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I was following this thread and i am surprised with some of the posts here. My ex (five years together) and I are best friends. We broke up 12 years ago and from day one we remained friends. We never flirt or had even a slight thought of being back together. I have five friends who i feel as my family and he is one of them. Unconditionally supporting me. I am living abroad and i saw him oh yes *alone* when i am back home - as any other friend, coffee, catch up, .. I met his gf and he saw my bf several times. I always made clear that i have nothing to hide, no secret crush, no romatic feelings .. NADA just friendship. How is this so difficult to understand ? I would not permit anyone to choose my friends. I have a life and the most i can do is make clear my intentions and try to integrate my bf with my family and friends as i expect he will do too. So yes, based on my experience, i can relate and i agree with you. Not easy to sort out if your bf does not share the opinion you can just be friends with an ex. The fact that they cannot meet does not help but if you act with your ex as you do with any of your other friends he would accept that he is just that, a friend. Good luck !
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 okay ive been in a simialr situation but i think if you really like this new guy you need to stop talking to your ex if its making him unconfortable even if you say there no chance you guys would get back together. Its a moot point beef....she doesn't care about her boyfriend's feelings.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I was following this thread and i am surprised with some of the posts here. My ex (five years together) and I are best friends. We broke up 12 years ago and from day one we remained friends. We never flirt or had even a slight thought of being back together. I have five friends who i feel as my family and he is one of them. Unconditionally supporting me. I am living abroad and i saw him oh yes *alone* when i am back home - as any other friend, coffee, catch up, .. I met his gf and he saw my bf several times. I always made clear that i have nothing to hide, no secret crush, no romatic feelings .. NADA just friendship. How is this so difficult to understand ? I would not permit anyone to choose my friends. I have a life and the most i can do is make clear my intentions and try to integrate my bf with my family and friends as i expect he will do too. But, is your X someone you hang out with alone, go on dates with....etc.? There is a difference between having an X for a friend, and pretty much throwing yourself in a position with them that would make your bf uncomfortable.
fishtaco Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 Similar story. I have a lot of female friends. I still hang out with some of my ex's. I didn't keep it a secret. My last ex GF decided to date me anyway although she's the jealous type. Fast forward to now, we broke up over her constant jealousy over my female friends and my ex. Was she wrong? Not in the least. That's how she chooses to have her relationship, I don't have the right to tell her to chill out. Just like she doesn't have the right to demand that I change how I choose to socialize. In the end, no one is wrong, no one is to blame, but we can't be together because we're not compatible. People that are jealous often want to see the jealousy reciprocated as a sign that "you care". I'm like you, I don't do that either. I could care less when she went on a business trip, she had dinner with an ex. Have a good time, I'll see you when you get back. Because I trust her. But of course that didn't go well either. I should have at least expressed concern. But if I did that I'd be faking it. So basically, only people that are like-minded should date. Not that a jealous person should never date a non-jealous person. But it will ALWAYS be an issue that they constantly will have to work through. The same exact issue will come up over and over and over again. There is no solution, you can only temporarily address it and put it away until it happens again next time. So while it's possible, it'll take extra effort. Maybe it's worth it, maybe it's not.
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