Miss Ting Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 So I'v been dating this guy for nearly 4 months now, and things are going great for the most part. He wants to get serious and that's nice, but he seems to have a problem with my relationship with my ex. And maybe that’s normal. What I’ve come to realize is that I typically don’t think like the vast majority of people out there. In all honesty, it takes a whole lot to move me and I’m not easily stirred, jealous or bothered by many things most people would probably be uneasy about. Hence the ex situation. If the shoe were on the other foot, I honestly wouldn’t care. So basically I’m still really, really good friends with my ex. And believe me when I say that there’s no chance in hell that we would get back together (seriously, God would have to come down himself and point to my ex and say “you need to be with this one!”). The thing is that we were really good friends before we got together, and despite the terrible journey that was our relationship, I’ve moved on, gotten over it and have been able to say “ok, you totally suck as a boyfriend, but not as a person, so you’re still cool with me.” Because of this (my ability to genuinely forgive and move on), we have been able to remain really close and we communicate almost everyday. He calls me to tell me random things, to seek advice on a variety of issues, and basically to make small talk like any of my girlfriends would do. We don’t’ always “speak” though, and there are a few days where we’ll just text with small things like “are you alive…you ok…everything good…” and that would be the extent of it. The guy I’ve been dating claims he doesn’t have a problem with us still being friends, but is annoyed by the frequency of our communication and by the fact that he would call when the two of us are hanging out together. (In my ex’s defense, he’s completely unaware of this because I don’t tell him when I’m hanging out with the guy, or even how often we hang out, because that’s none of his business). He also said that he would have a problem with me ever seeing him, which I think is a bit unfair. I’m really good friends with some of his friends and have become extremely close to members of his family to the point where I speak to them independently and call them to say hi. There’s no desire whatsoever to get back with him, and I feel like I shouldn’t have to compromise how I normally behave in a friendship. My ex is seriously like one of my bestfriend’s and I just want this new guy to understand that and see it for what it really is. Is that even possible, or is it that human’s inherently jealous nature will preclude him for ever getting to this point? I’m not the type to give up friends just because I’m dating a guy…in fact, I think that’s grimy. And because my ex is just my friend, he’s included. Or am I being unreasonable since this might be a “special” circumstance since he is in fact my “ex.” Has anyone ever had to deal with a situation like this? How did you weigh your decision and what did you do? Please advise if you can.
MusicChick24 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Well if your boyfriend is really this uptight that may not be a good thing for your relationship. I did experience this however, and with time in the relationship it SHOULD pass naturally without any problems. I'm still friends with my most recent ex. We had an ok relationship but we just weren't the right two people to be dating. My ex and I haven't even been together in 3 years cause my boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years. However for the first year that my boyfriend and I were together he was jealous because I was constantly on trips with the band every weekend, and he knew that on these trips I was hanging with my ex and my exes best friend [they are close friends of mine]. He had no reason to not trust me and he eventually learned that. Now that my boyfriend and I are in college and my ex is in high school my bf has no reason to worry. When I do see my ex its in public with friends and conversations are light. I even have lunch once a month with my exes mom and I'm still very close to his family. Bascially your bf should get over this with time. If he doesn't he may have jealousy issues. Something that should be discussed throughly perhaps.
bean1 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Out of curiousity, why would it be none of your ex's business that you are dating a new guy, when, etc? If you are friends/almost best friends? Friends, especially best friends, usually gush to each other about new boyfriends/prospects. My closest friend of 15 years is male (strictly platonic and no history though) and I would tell him things like that.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 He knows the guy exists, but I don't give him hourly updates on what it is we're doing or when we're hanging out. I don't do this with my gf's either. I'm not a 14 year old school girl...who does that at my age?
Stockalone Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It depends on the guy. Some men get over it, others won't even try. I wouldn't get into a relationship where there is still an ex in the picture. My reasoning is that I can't be "only" friends after there was more. I would see the ex as a threat to the relationship. Not necessarily out of fear that they could get back together (although that thought would cross my mind too), but I would wonder if the woman in question is really committed to me. What can the ex can provide that I can't? Why is she holding on to him? But those are my very own demons. Why it bothers your bf, I don't know. Your bf said he wouldn't have a problem with your ex as a friend, but at the same time he doesn't want you to see him again and he doesn't like how often you are in contact with your ex. Try to talk to your bf, ask him what exactly he doesn't like and with what kind of contact he would be comfortable with? And then you need to tell your bf how much contact with your ex you want. Talk to each other to get a feel how close or how far apart you are on this issue. If possible, try to find a compromise. If you can't reach one that is good enough for both of you, then it's time to rethink the relationship. Has your bf met your ex? Maybe it would help him to see how you two interact, reassuring him that there are no romantical feelings left.
jenxbunnyx05 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I'm actually somewhat in that same situation you're in right now. I was with my ex bf for 3 1/2 years and we had a really rough relationship that was off and on. For a year after we broke up, we didn't talk to each other what-so-ever. But now, he's like a best friend to me. We talk about everything, and there's no awkwardness. There's no emotional relationship, or physical attraction, strictly just good friends. I don't see any problem with that at all. I've been dating a guy for about 4 months now too and he seems to have no problem with it. But he's very easy going and laid back, he has a great personality, but some people take things differently. Not much bothers him. He isn't jealous and he understands that we are just friends. He's even met him a few times. I think that maybe your guy just needs to actually see it and maybe meet him, talk to him. And see that its nothing more than just friends. And maybe you could even talk to the ex less and not as much just so your guy doesnt feel weird about it. You dont want this to ruin the relationship you have with your guy and i know that you dont want to lose the ex since hes a great friend.
nittanylion Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 What benefit could you get out of your ex? You spend some of your time talking or whatever with your ex rather spending more productive time with your bf. You put your emotion or feeling on your ex is a waste of time. If this is the case, just break off your current bf and get back with your ex since you ex is more important than your current relationship. You want your cake and eat it too. How selfish you are....
BCCA Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 To be honest, the reason that men get kind of 'iffy' about ex's is that as much as you want to believe theyre just there as a freind, thats rarely the truth. From a mans perspective, the only reasons I can see to remain in contact with an ex is for either sex or to get back together. And trust me, read through the posts of people cheated on, 9 out of 10 times, it was with an ex, so there is cause for concern, even if you dont agree with it. If I can give you any advice, its to be as upfront and honest with your bf as possible, and if you can, introduce the ex to him so they can get to know eachother. Also, see what kind of discussion you can have with him to see if you can make him understand what it is your relationship is. 'Hes just my friend, deal with it' is the absolute worst attitude to have, and its not fair at all. I'm not accusing you of doing that, but a lot of people act that way, and then wonder why the person tells them to F off.
Oliveman Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Well not everyone in the world is meant to be together. If you want to be friends with your ex and he can't handle it, he isn't the right guy for you. There's a lot of jealous guys out there. It's a very weak and annoying trait. If I were you I'd find someone who knows the meaning of the words self confidence and trust. He get's upset cause your friend calls/texts you when you're together? Give me a break.
prettybaby Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I'm still very good friends with my ex while dating someone new, so I can totally relate with you. Here's what stands out to me: the fact that he would call when the two of us are hanging out together. (In my ex’s defense, he’s completely unaware of this because I don’t tell him when I’m hanging out with the guy, or even how often we hang out, because that’s none of his business). The things is: you SHOULD tell your ex about those things. In the hierarchy of relationships, intimate ones come before platonic ones. Your new boyfriend is more important than your ex so to speak, so your ex needs to be aware of when he needs to cut down phone calls and such. That's basically the only difference I see between your situation and mine. My ex knows I'm seeing someone new, and I tell him when I'm going out and basically when I don't want to be disturbed. Of course I don't tell him every little detail, and sometimes I simply switch off my phone instead of telling him my every move. Should he happen to call while I'm with my new guy, I probably wouldn't even answer. I can totally see how your new guy would be annoyed. I would be cool if my new man was still friends with his ex. However, if she started calling him or texting him while we're hanging out, it would definitely irritate me.
Davey McG Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Well not everyone in the world is meant to be together. If you want to be friends with your ex and he can't handle it, he isn't the right guy for you. That is almost a verbatim quote from an ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend. We broke up over it. She went out with a couple of guys after me and soon realised I wasn't being jealous or insane with regards to her ex - the other guys didn't like it either. On the plus side, its a great way to remain single (or get back with your ex)
Author Miss Ting Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Thank you guys for your insight. PrettyBaby - I do plan to tell my ex about me and the guy, but I've opted not to do so until we are "official" (technically, I haven't agreed to be his girlfriend just yet, hence me saying he wants to get serious). I know doing this will make all the difference. I don't imagine that my ex would be so disrespectful as to call me past a certain hour and and even as often, once he's aware of my status/situation. I'm almost certain I wouldn't have to "request" it from him. BCCA - Rest assured I have been very upfront with the new guy, which is why he isn't flat out telling me he won't tolerate me being friends with my ex. I've told him how often we speak and what went down b/w us and how we BOTH feel towards each other today. As far as cheating with my ex, YEAH RIGHT! That would never happen because: (1) I don't cheat and I have enough decency to breakup with someone before I did (if it ever came to that point) (2) I am beyond not interested...like I said, it would take an act of God to get me there (3) Sex just isn't that serious and I'm not into casual sex, so if I'm not with you, I'm not sleeping with you. And if I'm not feeling you on that level, it's DEFINITELY not happening. I've visited and stayed with my ex twice in the last 6 months and the thought never even crossed my mind...we didn't even stay in the same room because I didn't think it was appropiate Stockalone & Jenxbunny - Thanks for the advice...I've actually asked the guy if he'd feel a little more comfortable with our friendship, if I made him meet my ex. He was reasonable and said sure, but his comfort is contingent upon the "vibes" he picked up from him (completely understandable). I think this would help the most. Not sure when that will happen, however, but I'll see to it that it does.
BCCA Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 That would never happen because I understand that from your shoes, you know it won't, but the only point I was trying to make is that a LOT of people say the exact same thing and give all the same reasons why, and then they end up cheating. Its happened to me, and I've litterally heard the same speach beforehand. Again, it doesnt so much matter what you know, it comes down to how comfortable your new guy feels about it. If I can ask, how long have you and the ex been broke up?
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 The guy I’ve been dating claims he doesn’t have a problem with us still being friends, but is annoyed by the frequency of our communication and by the fact that he would call when the two of us are hanging out together. Yes, that is the problem right there. I am "friends" with the Xs (except my x-wife who can rot in hell:)). but not the kind of "friends" that hang out and call each other regularly. Its a speak when spoken to, hello and goodbye thing. Your bf would be perfectly within his rights to say something like, "you are with me now, this is my time....not his time" Being civil and being friends in general is fine I believe. But I'd be put off too if my SO was friends with an X that she felt the need to call all the time, or he call her. And haning out together with an X, or another man period, alone is out of the question and inappropriate. (In my ex’s defense, he’s completely unaware of this because I don’t tell him when I’m hanging out with the guy Ok, so here is the thing. Would that make a difference? If you are "friends", what difference would it make when you are hanging out with your bf? If your X wouldn't call you when you are with bf, but would when you are not, then he would realize that it is inappropriate. Its kind of like anything he can do in front of you he can do in front of your boyfriend. And if things would be different when you are with bf, then why is that? He also said that he would have a problem with me ever seeing him, which I think is a bit unfair. I don't think so. Would you want him hanging out with another girl that he stuck his pecker in when not with you? don't simply say you wouldn't have a problem with it because you are on the other side of the coin....truly think about that. I’m really good friends with some of his friends and have become extremely close to members of his family to the point where I speak to them independently and call them to say hi. There’s no desire whatsoever to get back with him It doesn't matter. This is a guy you were, I am assuming, intimate with. Big difference. and I feel like I shouldn’t have to compromise how I normally behave in a friendship. My ex is seriously like one of my bestfriend’s and I just want this new guy to understand that and see it for what it really is. Is that even possible, or is it that human’s inherently jealous nature will preclude him for ever getting to this point? maybe your new man will think to himself.."you know what...f##k it, she can hang out with him, and I'll hang out with some girls and strike up friendships with them." Whats good for the goose. I’m not the type to give up friends just because I’m dating a guy…in fact, I think that’s grimy. And because my ex is just my friend, he’s included. Or am I being unreasonable since this might be a “special” circumstance since he is in fact my “ex.” yes, I think you are. Tell me something. Is this X of yours someone you hang out with alone? Go to bars with? dinner? Go back to his place or party with?
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Well if your boyfriend is really this uptight that may not be a good thing for your relationship. Hope you remember those words if you ever find yourself with a boyfriend that hangs out with his X;) Now that my boyfriend and I are in college and my ex is in high school my bf has no reason to worry. Only because your X is left behind in HS? When I do see my ex its in public with friends and conversations are light. I even have lunch once a month with my exes mom and I'm still very close to his family. But you keep your conversations light and I am assuming you don't hang out with your X alone. There is the difference. I wouldn't expect a SO to stop talking to an X in a speak when spoken to, saw him at the mall kind of a situation. but I wouldn't put up with a SO haning out alone with an X or another guy. Been there, done that, and no good ever came from any relations like that. Bascially your bf should get over this with time. If he doesn't he may have jealousy issues. Something that should be discussed throughly perhaps. so let me pose this to you. What would you do everytime you are with a boyfriend, and his X calls him and they chit chat? You'd be perfectly ok with that?
Author Miss Ting Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 That would never happen because I understand that from your shoes, you know it won't, but the only point I was trying to make is that a LOT of people say the exact same thing and give all the same reasons why, and then they end up cheating. Its happened to me, and I've litterally heard the same speach beforehand. Again, it doesnt so much matter what you know, it comes down to how comfortable your new guy feels about it. If I can ask, how long have you and the ex been broke up? I hear you. I"m not saying it doesn't happen, I'm just saying that i know myself. But I definitely see your point. We have been broken up for over a year and half now...close to 2. And we don't even live in the same state anymore. I only see him if I happen to visit his state (when visiting my own family), and he's there at the time. He travels a lot and it's not even a given that he would even be there when I visit.
BCCA Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I hear you. I"m not saying it doesn't happen, I'm just saying that i know myself. But I definitely see your point. We have been broken up for over a year and half now...close to 2. And we don't even live in the same state anymore. I only see him if I happen to visit his state (when visiting my own family), and he's there at the time. He travels a lot and it's not even a given that he would even be there when I visit. Well, that doesnt sound like much to be concerned with to me at all. As long as you remain as up front and honest, things should be fine.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Your bf would be perfectly within his rights to say something like, "you are with me now, this is my time....not his time" Being civil and being friends in general is fine I believe. But I'd be put off too if my SO was friends with an X that she felt the need to call all the time, or he call her. And haning out together with an X, or another man period, alone is out of the question and inappropriate. Honestly, Dexter, you sound like you have issues (insecurities, jealousy, control...pick one...maybe all three). Healthy people wouldn't feel threatened with their partner hanging out w/ someone of the opposite sex if they trust them and seriously don't have their own issues not bourne out of anything their partner has ever done. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would not care (please read where I expressed that initially). It's just not me to be jealous. If you're with me, I trust that that's where you want to be and if you don't, being controlling isn't going to stop you from doing what you want to do anyway. If you feel the need to step out...cool, I'm not the type that's going to "force" anyone to be with me. I can do better than that. When you truly trust someone, you trust them in ALL situations, not only in ones in which you, as the third party, has eliminated any potential threat or ones in which you can control. That's what most people need to learn.
carhill Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 OP, I've had best female friends and do have a best male friend who'd take a bullet for me and we don't talk every day and, if you note my post totals, I like to talk Also, you don't talk every day to anyone and not tell them some aspect of your personal life, you know, like a man you've been dating for four months. There's more to this rabbit hole, methinks I met my wife's ex (husband) less than a month after we started dating. Nice guy. Wish I had shared some alone time with him before getting married
BCCA Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Honestly, Dexter, you sound like you have issues (insecurities, jealousy, control...pick one...maybe all three). Healthy people wouldn't feel threatened with their partner hanging out w/ someone of the opposite sex if they trust them and seriously don't have their own issues not bourne out of anything their partner has ever done. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would not care (please read where I expressed that initially). It's just not me to be jealous. If you're with me, I trust that that's where you want to be and if you don't, being controlling isn't going to stop you from doing what you want to do anyway. If you feel the need to step out...cool, I'm not the type that's going to "force" anyone to be with me. I can do better than that. When you truly trust someone, you trust them in ALL situations, not only in ones in which you, as the third party, has eliminated any potential threat or ones in which you can control. That's what most people need to learn. Well said. You are going to meet people that have had ex issues before in the past, and they may be a little leery initially, but two adults can reach an understanding if they so chose to. Usually, these discussions are just not handled properly from the get-go (like the point I made about people saying 'hes just a friend, deal with it') and it spirals into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. Everyone has ex's, its a part of life.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Honestly, Dexter, you sound like you have issues (insecurities, jealousy, control...pick one...maybe all three). Healthy people wouldn't feel threatened with their partner hanging out w/ someone of the opposite sex if they trust them and seriously don't have their own issues not bourne out of anything their partner has ever done. Seeing as how the women I have dated felt the same way and wouldn't want me disrespecting them by being alone with another woman rather than spending time with them....I don't think so. Nice try though:) If the shoe were on the other foot, I would not care (please read where I expressed that initially). It's just not me to be jealous. If you're with me, I trust that that's where you want to be and if you don't, being controlling isn't going to stop you from doing what you want to do anyway. So if a significant other is spending time with another woman instead of you, thats ok? uh.....alrighty then:confused: I don't believe it would be ok with you, but if you say so. If you feel the need to step out...cool, I'm not the type that's going to "force" anyone to be with me. I can do better than that. When you truly trust someone, you trust them in ALL situations, not only in ones in which you, as the third party, has eliminated any potential threat or ones in which you can control. That's what most people need to learn. I'm sorry, I don't see anything respectful about a SO partying with someone of the opposite sex, spending time with them away from the SO alone, coming home at wee hours in the morning as a healthy thing. If thats the way someone wants to mix it up with someone of the opposite sex, then they don't need their significant other.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Also, you don't talk every day to anyone and not tell them some aspect of your personal life, you know, like a man you've been dating for four months. There's more to this rabbit hole, methinks methinks as well I met my wife's ex (husband) less than a month after we started dating. Nice guy. Wish I had shared some alone time with him before getting married And does your wife hang out with her x-husband alone and spend time away from you with him? I doubt it. And I would venture to guess that if she did, you'd have something to say about it and probably put your foot down right? if so, then Miss T thinks you are jealous and controlling for expecting to be respected.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Well said. You are going to meet people that have had ex issues before in the past, and they may be a little leery initially, but two adults can reach an understanding if they so chose to. Usually, these discussions are just not handled properly from the get-go (like the point I made about people saying 'hes just a friend, deal with it') and it spirals into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. Everyone has ex's, its a part of life. I agree. I have no problem with a SO of mine being "friends" with an X. But I don't see anything healthy about a gf of mine spending time away from me with an X alone.......do you? I have friendships with a few of my X's, but I don't hang out with them, and certainly wouldn't disrespect any gf of mine by going out with them and spending time alone with them. I speak to them when spoken to, am cordial and civil. I don't feel the need to talk to them on the phone every day or go over to their apartments.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 if so, then Miss T thinks you are jealous and controlling for expecting to be respected. How exactly did you come to this conclusion? So, hanging out with anyone of the opposite sex, even a friend, is disrespectful? I can't imagine that you are in a relationship, and if you are, I can't imagine that it will last long unless the person you're with has some serious self esteem issues...those are the only types who seem to survive being "controlled" like a child.
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