CaliforniaLove Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Hi LS, So I had an interesting situation this weekend, and came up with this... I'm an analyst, so as you can imagine, I suck at poetry..... The following describes the situation and my feelings, should I give it to her?, or will she run away screaming. MOONSHADOWS I can never forget the pain of betrayal in your eyes, On that cold night you walked away without a word. I never wanted to hurt you, darling. Sometimes to protect our heart, we break another’s. Couldn’t you see his self-focused agenda? Didn’t you see me glancing longingly out the window? Hoping you would come and sit by me again, When you finally walked in with him, Together at the end of the bar, eyes only his, A tiny piece of my battered heart fractured. And I quickly turned the other way, She smiled at me and said a kind word, That to my aching soul was soothing balm, I laughed and talked for those few hours, So I might forget my mistake of caring too much. And now this card sits in my hand, Her handwriting burning with a heat, That does not touch my heart. The heart that I would give to you, And throw this number away, If only you would ask for it. Yes, I know it’s all too soon, We’ve only known a month. Colleagues, friends but something more, An energy, a force, I ponder. I do not know, my hand is spent, What I know are these three things. In the morn, you are the first of thoughts, And in my sleep, you are the last of dreams. When we embrace, I want to hold forever, As if to let go means being swept away. So, goodnight my darling, and with your slumber, I hope you find some respite, From the ache of a recent wound reopened, By my careless blunder, Some additional information. The Guy she is talking to is her male "friend", though I suspect his feelings for her are not entirely platonic. Her last relationship ended badly, with her ex basically waiting until he found someone else before leaving her. She is currently not happy with me. Comments are appreciated.
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It made me wince. What are you expecting to achieve by giving this to her? Don't do it. If you want to say something just sit down and have a chat.
Author CaliforniaLove Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 It made me wince too, why do you think I said it was Bloody Awful. Ahhh, I always love the person who responds with bitterness in under 10 minutes. I'm sorry but just your handle makes me wonder about your unresolved issues. Thanks for your opinion however.
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It made me wince not because it was awful but because you're complicating a situation you can just sit down and talk about. Just put yourself in her shoes for a second. Does she want to read a long convoluted poem or have a guy just be straight up with her? I'm sorry you didn't get the response you wanted, but if you want to give her the note go ahead and don't bother asking anyones opinions. I'm not having you suggest I have issues just because I gave you a frank and honest response. It just shows how immature you are.
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I think it's absolutely wonderful. I'd love to receive a poem like that from my soulmate, it would make me feel fulfilled, content and needed. Just giving you a flip-side to balance the posts. If it's what you want to hear, that is. Otherwise, disregard. It's a bit rich having two posts and biting the first reply you receive. You asked, CP responded.... Not sure what exactly, therefore you want from us......? Personal view and opinion, as a woman.....: Don't send it, or give it to her. It's wordy, over-dramatic, and loaded for ridicule. You'll regret it in the morning......
Author CaliforniaLove Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks for the more in depth response, I understand now. Just didn't like the quick cryptic response, seemed critical, I know I can't write well.
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks for the more in depth response, I understand now. Just didn't like the quick cryptic response, seemed critical, I know I can't write well. Ok well, don't worry about how bad/good it is or how well you write. I really don't think that's the problem. It doesn't matter how bad you write or even what you write if it has a positive sentiment and is given at the right moment! It almost feels like you're trying to prove something to her, you shouldn't need to do that. If you have some issues with the girl, best thing to do is just to approach her with them. I really think you'll just shoot yourself in the foot if you send this. Just have a good think about it.
Author CaliforniaLove Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks for the advice, I agree, this is one that goes into the file. I have been thinking about it, and I guess I got defensive because in my heart I agree. Sometimes we hate to admit the truth. I'm not trying to prove anything, just was weighing on my mind......... Thanks again.
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I didn't say I don't think you write well. There is virtue there, poetically. It's just that for this circumstance, and for your purpose, it is too thickly laid on with a trowel. Poets have been writing sonnets, couplets, elegies and opuses for millennia on love found, love lived and love lost. Some are dazzling in their beauty, others less so. But when words are from the heart, there is always beauty in them. However, I would still not send them or give them, for the reasons I stated. If she were to see them in a poetry book, she may well like them. Addressed to her personally, I feel, would have a somewhat different, and undesired effect.
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