Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and have been looking for some people to talk to that have had similar experiences, both from people who had the EA or the spouses who were affected by the affair. All of your feedbacks are wholeheartedly welcome as I am trying to move forward and fix my marriage Short history: I have been with my husband for 16 yrs, married 4 yrs. We have 2 children together. After we got married, I found myself very unhappy with the relationship/marriage. I met someone online and started talking to this person about my life, etc. Needless to say, I ended up getting very close and meeting up with this person and having an affair. I left my husband and continued a relationship with this new man. It didn't work out and my husband and I reconciled. It was very tough, and I once again found myself in the same situation of being unhappy. My husband and I never really spoke of the affair, and just continued on and pretended things were getting better. And during this time, the other man popped back in and once again he said the right things to make me feel good about myself. I once again left my husband and told myself it was the end of the marriage for sure. But I was wrong. Do your husband, x-husband, whatever he is now a favor. Whether he knows its for his own good or not....leave him alone. I truly do love my husband. I have since ended the affair, for good. My husband and I have talked about reconciling once again. This time I know what I did wrong and I KNOW everything that happened was my fault. I realized this time around how much I have been blaming all of my marriage problems on my husband, when really the issues I was having were about myself. And what was the issue with regards to yourself? Now the road to recovery...I am very afraid that I may have lost my husband for good. I know I don't deserve him after what I have put him through. And I know I am very selfish right now to think that he would eventually forgive me and love me again. Like I said, let him be. He is a glutton for punishment and isn't thinking clearly in my opinion to be taking back a woman that time and time again pisses on his 2nd chances. For his own good he needs to be free from you. But he has to make his own mistakes. I am just looking for some advice as to how do you think I should move forward with my husband. I don't think you should move forward with him. I think you should move on. We are going to be seeking counseling, both marriage and family with our daughters. But I do not know how else to handle things. I have very short patience and just want things to be back to normal, and I know things will never be "normal" again. the bolded part right there is the reason you should move on and set your husband free from you. You are not in the position to have short patience. The patience would lie with your husband....not you. If you were to try to reconcile, YOUR patience should last for years if it has to after what you did to him. HIS patience is the one that needs testing. The ball is in his court. For you to think that you aren't going to put up with waiting for too long for things to be the way YOU WANT is a load of bunk after what you did to him. If you don't have the "patience" to wait to find out how things will shake out, then you have no business trying to reconcile with your husband. Otherwise you are just going to cheat again, leave, then feel despair once you are away from him.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Play nice. People change. Sounds like she is trying very hard to make it work. how many time was it that she cheated, left, things fall apart for OM, snuck her way back with her H only to do it to him again? 2...3? Bah, hard to tell. oh she talks like she wants it to work, but then says she has very little "patience". Patience is what is to be afforded to her husband right now....not her. if she wants it to work, she would be willing to wait as long as it takes....not become impatient if things don't go exactly her way.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Then make sure you do things (not just talk about them). Actions speak louder than words. Consistency is the key too. Do take care in what you say, because remember: "I left my husband and continued a relationship with this new man. It didn't work out and my husband and I reconciled. It was very tough, and I once again found myself in the same situation of being unhappy. My husband and I never really spoke of the affair, and just continued on and pretended things were getting better.And during this time, the other man popped back in and once again he said the right things to make me feel good about myself. I once again left my husband and told myself it was the end of the marriage for sure. " So yes, actions DO speak louder than words.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 And what was the issue with regards to yourself? I have and am manic depressive that has been going on for a while now. Like I said, let him be. He is a glutton for punishment and isn't thinking clearly in my opinion to be taking back a woman that time and time again pisses on his 2nd chances. For his own good he needs to be free from you. But he has to make his own mistakes. I don't think you should move forward with him. I think you should move on. I have tried to move on from him because I did not want to keep hurting him. I even went as far as presenting him with the divorce papers so that he won't have to keep hurting. He asked me to not do it, and that I would be hurting him even more if I were to leave for good. I apologize I did not clearly state the reason I said I have short patience when it comes to wanting things back to normal. I didn't mean I have short patience with him, I have and giving him all the time that he needs to get through this. What I meant by that statement is that I just want to be normal, me not my husband or the marriage. I am impatient with myself and just want to make my husband happy again, and focus on my family without the other issues clouding my sight. I do want this to work and I am willing to wait for as long as it takes for my husband. When he and I started talking about reconciling again, I did not ask him if I could move back in. I stayed out of the house and still am out of the house by myself. I let him make the decision on when he wants to see me, or not see me. And I make sure that I make myself available to him whenever he wants to spend time with me or talk to me. And no he has not asked me for sex, not until last night that is and even then he didn't ask me for it, it just happened naturally. I have been doing my best to make sure he knows everything that is going on in my life. He has passwords to everything as well as a key to my apartment for when he wants to come over without telling me. I started keeping my phone on my hip instead of my purse so that I don't miss a call from him. I have given my assistant strict directions that if he were to ever call to pull me out of meetings without question.
Ramrod Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Oh, I see. Well, I was wrong. Typically, when a woman is unhappy WITH her marriage and eventually cheats, she was not getting enough love from her husband. However, in your case, your husband seemed to be a great guy and you were depressed. If depression was the cause of everything, then you should start by eliminating that factor. I am afraid it doesn't sound like you're much in love with your husband - and THAT could be the main problem. You should probably stick to reading the posts and the responses, your advice is half-baked, biased and not useful to anyone in need of an objective, unbiased opinion. Talk to the mirror on the wall.
Bryanp Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Hello, I am sort of contrary to the other posters. It seems to me that you are owning what you did wrong. It sounds like you are truly commited to him. You have offered him divorce papers and he has refused. He clearly loves you very much. It is his choice to wish to remain with you. You are seeking out professional help. I do hope you now realize what a wonderful man he is and truly appreciate him for his big heart. I wish you luck.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I have and am manic depressive that has been going on for a while now. I have tried to move on from him because I did not want to keep hurting him. I even went as far as presenting him with the divorce papers so that he won't have to keep hurting. He asked me to not do it, and that I would be hurting him even more if I were to leave for good. I apologize I did not clearly state the reason I said I have short patience when it comes to wanting things back to normal. I didn't mean I have short patience with him, I have and giving him all the time that he needs to get through this. What I meant by that statement is that I just want to be normal, me not my husband or the marriage. I am impatient with myself and just want to make my husband happy again, and focus on my family without the other issues clouding my sight.. Ah well that sounds a bit better. I still am not an advocate of anyone staying with a cheater, and in your case it is a case of serial cheating and leaving. I really don't know what he is thinking to keep taking you back. But if he is determined to stay with you, all you can do is be an open book, stay off online social sites, no partying, drinking.....or ANYTHING that helps cheating to more easily happen. That means staying out of the company of other men when not with your husband. Because even as much as you want to keep your husband, I don't think you can really stay faithful.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Ah well that sounds a bit better. I still am not an advocate of anyone staying with a cheater, and in your case it is a case of serial cheating and leaving. I really don't know what he is thinking to keep taking you back. But if he is determined to stay with you, all you can do is be an open book, stay off online social sites, no partying, drinking.....or ANYTHING that helps cheating to more easily happen. That means staying out of the company of other men when not with your husband. Because even as much as you want to keep your husband, I don't think you can really stay faithful. I don't know either why he is wanting to stay with me, I surely don't deserve him. And to be perfectly honest with you, prior to the PA, my husband has been the only person I have ever been with. I really don't know what happened, and I know that statement is a cop out, but I really don't. My mother has always had issues with being with different men, a lot of different men. And that was one thing I pushed myself to never become. Seeing different men come and go in our house really did some damage to my siblings and I. So when I met my husband and knew I loved him, I didn't care to meet anyone else. My last episode of depression happened 5 years ago, and it really hit me hard. Without going into too much details, the trigger of it was something that happened to my mother. I really couldn't pull myself out of it and It was my fault that I didn't grab my husband by the neck and screamed out that I needed help bad. I was afraid he wouldn't understand and would look at me differently. Anyway, the OM listened to me. And in all honesty I didn't care how the OM thought of me, whether he thought I was a crazy bipolar or whatever, I really didn't care. He took me away from my reality. Which is the worse thing that I could've let happened because it made my depression worse, not better. Since the affair and talking to my husband again, I have not allowed myself to think of me. Meaning, when I make a decision on doing something I make it a point to slow down, think long and hard of what I am about to do, and ask myself how my action and decision will affect my husband and children. And in a way, this process is starting to feel normal for me because this is how I trained myself to not be like my mother when I was younger. I know I can stay faithful Dexter. I just need to get back up on my feet and know to trust that my husband does understand and will not love me any less just because I am going through a depression.
65tr6 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I don't know either why he is wanting to stay with me, I surely don't deserve him. And to be perfectly honest with you, prior to the PA, my husband has been the only person I have ever been with. . goodness. You sound so much like my wife word to word. Do you realize it does not help anyway when you make statements like that ? Do you think it would have made so much more sense to make such statements BEFORE you got married to him (I told my wife the same thing). Not that simple is it ? So what can you do ? See what you can do to be the best possible wife to your husband. You think you can do that ? What can you do to meet his needs. What can you do to be the best possible mother for your kids ? I really cannot comment on your depression or any other pshycological condition you may have, but I would stop the blame game and start making a conscitious effort to win over your husband. About you staying faithful. You may want to let your husband know that you want to stay faithful to him - In no uncertain terms. You may think I am judging you (may be I am to an extent !) but I also see that you have the tendency to blame things on something else or not willing to move forward. I could be wrong. Or better prove me wrong and actually turn things around in your marital life.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I know I can stay faithful Dexter. I just need to get back up on my feet and know to trust that my husband does understand and will not love me any less just because I am going through a depression. But it wasn't your perception of the image of any lack of understanding from your husband with regards to your depression that led you to cheat. You were depressed and cheated because you wanted to, not because you may have thought your husband didn't understand your depression. so simply realizing your husband is "understanding" isn't going to keep you from cheating. You need to remove yourself from the company of men in social settings. I know, some will say that is ridiculous. But hey, the husband is taking her back people. he shouldn't have to put up with her being in certain settings with men where she can go off with them. Thats what getting 2nd chances are all about.....doing right by the person you betrayed and giving up certain things. Your husband lost a good part of himself because of your cheating. its only fair that you lose something too if you want him to be comfortable with you....if possible.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 But it wasn't your perception of the image of any lack of understanding from your husband with regards to your depression that led you to cheat. You were depressed and cheated because you wanted to, not because you may have thought your husband didn't understand your depression. so simply realizing your husband is "understanding" isn't going to keep you from cheating. You need to remove yourself from the company of men in social settings. I know, some will say that is ridiculous. But hey, the husband is taking her back people. he shouldn't have to put up with her being in certain settings with men where she can go off with them. Thats what getting 2nd chances are all about.....doing right by the person you betrayed and giving up certain things. Your husband lost a good part of himself because of your cheating. its only fair that you lose something too if you want him to be comfortable with you....if possible. I definitely understand what you're saying. And yes I am making sure that I don't do or go anywhere that could have any possible temptations. I don't go out or hang out at bars, the last time I was at a club was with my husband 3 years ago for his birthday as I don't like to drink. I met OM online in a community setting. I have since cancelled ANY and ALL online accounts I have, except for 1 personal email account that I have had for 10 years, and my husband has access to it and is now connected to his Blackberry. So any emails I receive or send, he can see it right away from his phone. I no longer have any computer access at home, I gave my husband my laptop and he had already given it away. So it's books and t.v. for me when I go home at night, which I don't mind at all. I don't miss any of it to be perfectly honest. I've started to once again spend my free time with my kids, and husband when he wants to, outside of work. And when I start to feel overwhelmed and down, I call my husband and he has been very good at talking me through the depression, which I am very thankful for. My family is taking things day by day right now because things are overwhelming.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Well if you've been around long enough to know me, I rip the sh#t out of cheaters. And that isn't going to stop because they need to realize what a BS goes through. And I also advise divorce 99% of the time. I just see no reason anyone should settle for a cheater. But with your attitude and take on things, I can see how this might work. Keep in mind though that what you did will stay with him forever....even if things seem right on the surface, deep down he will think about this from time to time and he will reel inside.....he just won't show it. But you need to be humble, humiliated, and willing to do whatever it takes all the while understanding when your H has relapses and slips into a little anger sometimes, and it will happen. I think you may be willing to do just that. good luck
blueintheface Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 hey, i was reading some of your posts on other threads about your husband still having an affair with OW. have you shown him how much it hurts? you don't have to demand him to stop (even though he should) but just communicate how much it hurts and you do want him to stop to work on your marriage because i think he is trying to get a reaction out of you. either way i don't see how he can work on your marriage while he is still gallivanting around.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 26, 2009 Author Posted February 26, 2009 hey, i was reading some of your posts on other threads about your husband still having an affair with OW. have you shown him how much it hurts? you don't have to demand him to stop (even though he should) but just communicate how much it hurts and you do want him to stop to work on your marriage because i think he is trying to get a reaction out of you. either way i don't see how he can work on your marriage while he is still gallivanting around. Hi Blue, We were in MC when all of the things about the OW came out. My H does feel very guilty for what he has done. Not only because of what he did, how he did it, and why he did it. I am sure he knows how much it hurts me knowing what happened, and we did talk about it even after the MC session. I just think that right now there are a lot of things he and I need to work on regarding our marriage. First and foremost, our family need to heal from my affair. To me, one night with the OW that my husband regrets and cried to me about, is absolutely nothing compare to the pain I have put him through. Yes he does still talk to this woman outside of work, but he is also spending a lot of time fixing our marriage with me. And it seems that the more we go to MC, spend time together, talk normally without the subject of my affair, that he has dramatically minimized his contact with the OW outside of work. I think the more he realizes that I am truly commited to fixing our marriage and really want to be with him and not the OM, that he is putting forth all the effort to focus on our marriage family and no longer the OW. I just think that right now our family can really only focus on one big issue, and that is what my affair did to my H and children. I don't want to put my family through any more than that.
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