kaly6177 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Hello everyone, I am new to this forum and have been looking for some people to talk to that have had similar experiences, both from people who had the EA or the spouses who were affected by the affair. All of your feedbacks are wholeheartedly welcome as I am trying to move forward and fix my marriage Short history: I have been with my husband for 16 yrs, married 4 yrs. We have 2 children together. After we got married, I found myself very unhappy with the relationship/marriage. I met someone online and started talking to this person about my life, etc. Needless to say, I ended up getting very close and meeting up with this person and having an affair. I left my husband and continued a relationship with this new man. It didn't work out and my husband and I reconciled. It was very tough, and I once again found myself in the same situation of being unhappy. My husband and I never really spoke of the affair, and just continued on and pretended things were getting better. And during this time, the other man popped back in and once again he said the right things to make me feel good about myself. I once again left my husband and told myself it was the end of the marriage for sure. But I was wrong. I truly do love my husband. I have since ended the affair, for good. My husband and I have talked about reconciling once again. This time I know what I did wrong and I KNOW everything that happened was my fault. I realized this time around how much I have been blaming all of my marriage problems on my husband, when really the issues I was having were about myself. Now the road to recovery...I am very afraid that I may have lost my husband for good. I know I don't deserve him after what I have put him through. And I know I am very selfish right now to think that he would eventually forgive me and love me again. During our last separation he started talking and becoming close to a co-worker. They ended up sleeping together, but he told me that it should not have happened as she too is married. He told me he is close friends with this woman, but that he does not love her or want to be with her. He told me that he wants to fix our marriage and make it work. I know he has been badly hurt from what I have put him through, and do not blame him for being distant or cautious as I am sure he doesn't know if things are truly over between me and the other man. I am just looking for some advice as to how do you think I should move forward with my husband. We are going to be seeking counseling, both marriage and family with our daughters. But I do not know how else to handle things. I have very short patience and just want things to be back to normal, and I know things will never be "normal" again. Any advice as to what I should do or how to handle this time of healing for my husband would be greatly appreciated.
Reggie Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I think you should consider individual counseling. As a serial cheater, you have seious problems and need to fix them before you are a suitable candidate for a relationship. Have you been getting therapy for yourself?
Author kaly6177 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Hi Reggie, Thank you for replying. Yes, I actually started going to theraphy myself. I started the process after ending the relationship with the OM as I know I needed a lot of self fixing before I can even think of fixing my marriage. The theraphy has been helping me a lot with coping with anger issues as well as my loneliness issues. I have also started going back to praying and is looking for a church to get back to. I love my husband dearly and I just am not sure how to help him during this time I have been so focused in the past about myself and what I was feeling, and what made me feel better that I never paid attention to how much I was hurting him. I want to help him and I want to show him that him and our children are my priority.
Owl Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 What areas are the two of you focusing on in repairing/rebuilding your marriage? I think that IC is good...but bear in mind, IC's only focus on the INDIVIDUAL they're working with...and their advice is often detrimental to the MARRIAGE. They don't care about reconciliation, only the individual. With that said, there are obviously a couple of major areas of focus. Part of it needs to be on the underlying issues in your marriage...what emotional needs weren't being met on either side, and how to enable both spouses to start meeting them. And a large part also needs to focus on repairing the damage your cheating caused...which is a wholly seperate problem from the first. You're going to have to work through how to rebuild trust, how to demonstrate true remorse to your H so that he WANTS to consider rebuilding with you, etc... Does your MC have a good plan for reconciliation for the two of you? HOW do they work with infideilty cases? What's their track record for success? These are all pertinent questions, and probably where you need to start at.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Lets take inventory about what you've said about yourself. Let me see, you are impatient, you are selfish, you obviously don't learn, you are a serial cheater, and you don't mind causing your husband and daughters pain to get your own wants (not needs) filled. You are also a liar. You said "You now know what "this time" you did wrong. In truth you knew the whole time. You have been with him for 16 years married for 4. Lets see if you can be honest with yourself. How many other men did you sleep with in the 12 years you weren't married to him? How many times did you cheat on the other fellow? This is an anonymous board. So the only person you have to truthful with is yourself.
Geishawhelk Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 You could consider the following: Split up completely, and go your separate ways. Divorce, but continue living together, because it sounds as if you're better friends than spouses. Decide to have an open marriage, because the bottom line is that you can't be faithful to just one another. It takes commitment and effort to keep a marriage monogamous. Go to counselling and find out where both your shortfalls are. What is he not giving you? What are you not providing him?
lostsoulmate Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Lets take inventory about what you've said about yourself. Let me see, you are impatient, you are selfish, you obviously don't learn, you are a serial cheater, and you don't mind causing your husband and daughters pain to get your own wants (not needs) filled. You are also a liar. You said "You now know what "this time" you did wrong. In truth you knew the whole time. You have been with him for 16 years married for 4. Lets see if you can be honest with yourself. How many other men did you sleep with in the 12 years you weren't married to him? How many times did you cheat on the other fellow? This is an anonymous board. So the only person you have to truthful with is yourself. Play nice. People change. Sounds like she is trying very hard to make it work.
Reggie Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Good for seeking therapy. MC , as Owl suggests is advisable , as well. But, be realistic. You have emotionally abused your husband quite a bit. Most therapists consider infidelity the most severe form of emotional abuse. So, don't be surprised if you have pushed this beyond the point of no return. Only a small percentage of marriages recover form infidelity. Owl's is one of the few. But, serial cheating is a whole different matter. Not only is the damage greater(multiple traumas) but a person that does this type of thing serially is much more likely to be unfixable, disordered. I would consult with your therapist to see if, perhaps, you have a personality disorder. If you do, it takes years of intensive therapy to manage it. It can be done, apparently but it takes a lot of effort and you need to have a special person as a spouse that can withstand all the abuse. Good luck.
lostsoulmate Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Hi Reggie, Thank you for replying. Yes, I actually started going to theraphy myself. I started the process after ending the relationship with the OM as I know I needed a lot of self fixing before I can even think of fixing my marriage. The theraphy has been helping me a lot with coping with anger issues as well as my loneliness issues. I have also started going back to praying and is looking for a church to get back to. I love my husband dearly and I just am not sure how to help him during this time I have been so focused in the past about myself and what I was feeling, and what made me feel better that I never paid attention to how much I was hurting him. I want to help him and I want to show him that him and our children are my priority. Then make sure you do things (not just talk about them). Actions speak louder than words. Consistency is the key too. Also, you must learn to be patient. Time really is the only thing that can heal some wounds. You have to give your situation time. As LS posters would say, you are on a path back to your husband. Only the two of you and time can make it work. Good Luck!
Author kaly6177 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Lets take inventory about what you've said about yourself. Let me see, you are impatient, you are selfish, you obviously don't learn, you are a serial cheater, and you don't mind causing your husband and daughters pain to get your own wants (not needs) filled. You are also a liar. You said "You now know what "this time" you did wrong. In truth you knew the whole time. You have been with him for 16 years married for 4. Lets see if you can be honest with yourself. How many other men did you sleep with in the 12 years you weren't married to him? How many times did you cheat on the other fellow? This is an anonymous board. So the only person you have to truthful with is yourself. This is actually what I am working on during my individual theraphy. I have been very immature about my relationship with my husband. You asked how many men have I been with the 12 years I wasn't married to him, and the answer is no one. My husband and I have been together since I was 15 years old, he was 17. Before the OM, he was the only man I have ever been with. Did I cheat on the OM? Emotionally I did as I still loved my husband very much and wanted to be with my husband, but kept myself from going back because I felt guilty for what I did to him and our family. Without sharing too much information, the reason I said "this time I knew that I was doing wrong" is because I have always blamed my husband for not giving me the attention and love that I thought I wasn't getting from him. I blamed him for a lot of things that went wrong in my life, which should not have been part of our marriage because it had nothing to do with him. I wasn't ready to look outside of that. I blamed him because he was the closest. I let my emotions drive me and I fell apart. My biggest mistake (other than the EA) is to not really made my husband understand what I was going through. I told myself that he was not interested and that thought drove me to actually believed he didn't care or love me. This whole chaotic situation HAS forced me to look into myself and forced me to be very honest with myself. Hence the reason why I am living by myself at the moment trying to get better before I can fully ask my husband and children to trust me again. It's forced me to seek help that I should have gotten a long time ago, before the EA happened.
RecordProducer Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 If this post reflects your tendency to avoid the most important things, then I am not surprised that you feel like you don't know what to do. You said you felt unhappy in your marriage, so the affair was just a consequence of your discontent, regardless of how wrong it was to cheat. The focus of recovering your marriage should be on fixing the issues that made you unhappy in the first place. I am not sure as to what exactly in your husband's personality and behavior made you feel unhappy, but it seems like you were missing affection and attention from day one. Your affair was likely a revenge affair. The infidelity episodes are clearly the bad consequences, but if you blame yourself for your unhappiness from the start and try to make it up to him for the affair, you're not going to be happy with him ever. You should work on the problems that CAUSED the affair. Obviously, your husband is well aware that it's him who made you miserable and practically pushed you into another man's arms; however, it's easier for him to transfer all the blame on you - all while he's fooling around with another woman. He sounds manipulative. Just think, no matter what he does or you do, he's been breaking your heart for 16 years. Sometimes, we find it difficult to accept that some people just can't make us happy. People don't change. Perhaps counseling can help you. Probably not much. You need radical steps. You might try to live separately but date each other exclusively. On another note, you probably haven't had many men beside your husband. When this is the case, women usually can't imagine breaking up with their "one and only" for good. Most of the time, people who weren't happy in their marriages and got divorced, end up being very happy about their decision. There is life and love after divorce. As a matter of fact, people who have divorced once, resort to divorce more easily the second (and third and fourth) time, because they know it's not that bad. Your ultimate goal in life is to feel good, not to preserve a falsely happy still image of your family. Your daughters also deserve to have a happy mother.
Reggie Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I disagree with Rp's conclusion that it was your husband's deficiencies that led to your unhappiness. You've not described anything about him that could lead to a valid conclusion in that regard. Alsmost all Wss lay claim to having been deprived in some fashion due to their BSs shortcomings. After a while, one takes these allegations with a grain of salt, as many WSs that awaken from this self deception acknowledge that the allegations were self serving justifications. Divorce may be the answer, as the marriage is most likely so damaged that it cannot be fixed, But, if you and your H are willing to try to do the repair work. you may succeed. Serial divorcing, as suggested, is a sign that someone is incapable of either screening potential spouse for comapatibility or character, or it shows that the repeat divorcer cannot commit or solve problems.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 No my husband is not at fault. He has tried in the past, numerous times, to try and help me through my depression. I think the only mistake he ever made was trying too hard and thinking that he could help me himself. Otherwise, he has always been wonderful to me and the children. Like I said, I blamed him for my emptiness because he was the closest. My unhappiness/emptiness really does not have anything to do with him. If anything I have learned more and more that without him, I feel emptier and my life is in disorder. My depression really is from my family, mainly my mother. And I noticed that once I reduced my connection to my mother dramatically, I started seeing things differently about myself and what I have become. I have asked him if he wanted a divorce and he repeatedly said that he doesn't. And I too do not want a divorce. He had said that he wants to make our marriage work, it is just confusing to figure out how to start. He was the one that suggested going to marriage counseling now. I was going to wait until I get a bit better before suggesting it to him, but he would like to start now because he said he too need help.
Reggie Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 With your attitude, I think you have a chance. Many BSs would be overjoyed if their WS became more self aware, as you seem to be ding, and took responsibility. Your H must be a really good man with a big capacity for forgiveness if he is willing to give this a try.
Woggle Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I hate to be harsh but I think you have ruined it for good. You left him once then he took you back and then you left him again for another man. Any self respecting man would not take you back and if it is over for good you have nobody to blame but yourself. If you are so in love with him why didn't you appreciate him when you had him?
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Like I said, I blamed him for my emptiness because he was the closest. My unhappiness/emptiness really does not have anything to do with him. If anything I have learned more and more that without him, I feel emptier and my life is in disorder. My depression really is from my family, mainly my mother. And I noticed that once I reduced my connection to my mother dramatically, I started seeing things differently about myself and what I have become. I have asked him if he wanted a divorce and he repeatedly said that he doesn't. And I too do not want a divorce. When you love somebody... you do what is best for THEM not yourself. There has been too much pain and hurt in this marriage. Just let him go! Let him heal. However, I doubt that is a choice you will make because you are incapable of loving him. That is why you have willfully hurt him so much. Now you are only interested in what you may lose. It would be best if you spent all that time and effort making yourself a person worthy of life.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 This whole chaotic situation HAS forced me to look into myself and forced me to be very honest with myself. Hence the reason why I am living by myself at the moment trying to get better before I can fully ask my husband and children to trust me again. It's forced me to seek help that I should have gotten a long time ago, before the EA happened. Please correct me if I am wrong. But it sounds like you left your kids as well as your husband? Another question. Why would you come on a board like this if you are in therapy? Also, you call it an EA? Did you not have sex with this other man? If you had it is not an EA it is a PA. You are an expert at blaming everyone else for your own decisions. Your actions say that you will cheat again. You are a romantic. You're an addict. It is a drug to you. If someone shows interest in you, you will dump your husband again. Because like all the times b4 you will convince yourself that you are unhappy and that it is your husbands fault. What in the world makes you believe that you have changed? It can't be his love. It can't be your kids love. It has to be your love. And right now you are batting ZERO
blueintheface Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 yeah, your actions were deplorable but you seem to really want to change & be a better person so i can definitely see some hope. your husband sounds amazingingly forgiving and i guess others aren't as forgiving and that's why they are telling you to give up already. i don't really get where some of the analysis came from .... Obviously, your husband is well aware that it's him who made you miserable and practically pushed you into another man's arms; however, it's easier for him to transfer all the blame on you - all while he's fooling around with another woman. He sounds manipulative. ??? i mean seriously she's just acknowledged some of her selfish tendencies and you're trying to push her into her cave of ignorance again? RP, some parts i admire your intelligence and then other parts i have to say wth?! xD You appear to owning your mess. With that said, I don't know what your H will do. I couldn't trust the person who cheated on me every again. But your H turned around and did the same thing(with someone who was married no less. Even if you were separated, the ow wasn't) I think you both have some major issues that need to be addressed, if not for yourselves, for your children. i agree with this surmisation. i think it puts things most succintly.
RecordProducer Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Oh, I see. Well, I was wrong. Typically, when a woman is unhappy WITH her marriage and eventually cheats, she was not getting enough love from her husband. However, in your case, your husband seemed to be a great guy and you were depressed. If depression was the cause of everything, then you should start by eliminating that factor. I am afraid it doesn't sound like you're much in love with your husband - and THAT could be the main problem.
Reggie Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Oh, I see. Well, I was wrong. Typically, when a woman is unhappy WITH her marriage and eventually cheats, she was not getting enough love from her husband. However, in your case, your husband seemed to be a great guy and you were depressed. If depression was the cause of everything, then you should start by eliminating that factor. I am afraid it doesn't sound like you're much in love with your husband - and THAT could be the main problem. I don't think this is true.
lkjh Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Oh, I see. Well, I was wrong. Typically, when a woman is unhappy WITH her marriage and eventually cheats, she was not getting enough love from her husband. However, in your case, your husband seemed to be a great guy and you were depressed. If depression was the cause of everything, then you should start by eliminating that factor. I am afraid it doesn't sound like you're much in love with your husband - and THAT could be the main problem. What a load of bs. If you want to be a grown up you have to act like one. You can not simply point the finger at the husbands all the time. At one time or another everybody will feel unloved and that does not give them a right to cheat. If this was the case then everybody would cheat because it is absolutely impossible to always feel great. You can not simply look for excuses. If someone cheats it is because they have a character flaw. There are hundreds of ways to deal with a problem but they CHOSE to cheat. Nobody and no special force made them do it.
Reggie Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I agree. IMO, TYPICALLY, people that cheat, regardless of gender, do so because they have character defects. Seems they are poor communicators, poor problem solvers, lack integrity and courage, and have a huge sense of entitlement. We used to call these folks a-holes. Now, they are disordered, NPDs , ASPDs, or Borderlines.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Please correct me if I am wrong. But it sounds like you left your kids as well as your husband? Another question. Why would you come on a board like this if you are in therapy? Also, you call it an EA? Did you not have sex with this other man? If you had it is not an EA it is a PA. You are an expert at blaming everyone else for your own decisions. Your actions say that you will cheat again. You are a romantic. You're an addict. It is a drug to you. If someone shows interest in you, you will dump your husband again. Because like all the times b4 you will convince yourself that you are unhappy and that it is your husbands fault. What in the world makes you believe that you have changed? It can't be his love. It can't be your kids love. It has to be your love. And right now you are batting ZERO No I did not leave my children, they were with me. But right now they are staying with their father while I get treatment. I do see them everyday, and spend the weekend with them. It has been very difficult for them and I just don’t want them to continually be subjected to my depression. So my husband and I, along with my therapist, agreed that they should stay with him for now. I apologize as I did not know the difference between an EA and PA. But yes, I did have a PA with the other man. As for blaming everyone, yes I did do this for a very long time. But I’ve learned to not blame anyone for the actions and decisions that I have made both in the past, and in the future. Everything that I have done have been my own decisions and no one forced me to make them. I have not tried to convince anyone that I have changed, not myself or my husband, what I am saying is that I am getting treatment and know that I have a serious problem that I need to work hard on. Contrary to what you think, I have had men shown me interest in the past and prior to the affair I never once thought of entertaining the attention or turning my back on my husband. The affair did not start out as an attraction, I was not attracted to him at all, but he was there to listen to my sad stories. It was not a good excuse and I know this. I know that what I did was wrong, and what I did to my family is horrendous. I came to this board with the purpose of talking to people who have had similar experience that my family is going through right now. I know that I can talk to my therapist all day and night, but unless she has been in the same shoes she can’t possibly know the extent of the hurt that I have put my family through. Yes she can help us all heal, and help us through the process of fixing our marriage. But I thought perhaps that talking to people who had been there can also help us. I have talked to other family members that we are close to. And although I know they love me and my husband, the advice are just overwhelming as they feel that my husband failed me, when I am the one that failed him and our family. I don’t know, maybe I was wrong for coming on here.
Author kaly6177 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 When you love somebody... you do what is best for THEM not yourself. There has been too much pain and hurt in this marriage. Just let him go! Let him heal. However, I doubt that is a choice you will make because you are incapable of loving him. That is why you have willfully hurt him so much. Now you are only interested in what you may lose. It would be best if you spent all that time and effort making yourself a person worthy of life. UF, I have tried to let my husband go, several times, because I know what I did to him is unforgivable. He is the one that has repeatedly told me to not give up and to keep working hard to heal and fix our marriage with him. I have given him the divorce papers because I could not bring msyelf to hurt him again, and his reply to the papers where that I would hurt him even more if I continue with the divorce as it is not what he wants. I know saying that "I too do not want a divorce" is a very selfish remark. But it is the honest truth of what I feel, but that's not to say that if he were to sign the papers today that I would turn around and say I no longer want the divorce. I would honor his decision because of what I have put him through. My interest right now are my family's healing (my husband and my children). And part of this healing is to work tremendously hard to get myself better for the sake of them 3.
Reggie Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I beleive people can change and make amends. I have no way of knowing if your marriage will survivie. But, it sounds like there is a chance. Maybe you should set your family straight in their perception of your husband, if that is possible. It is particularly painful for a Bs to have other folks pointing the finger at him. In many cases, a BS is already taking way too much responsibility for the cheating already as this type of trauma leaves onw with the impression that he was deficient or caused the infidelity. To have family members piling on in that regard could be very painful for him.
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