My wife won't have sex with me

[carhill]

I've been married for going on 8 years. Sex before marriage was fantastic, several times a day. She got pregnant a couple months before we got married and the sex stopped, no sex on our honeymoon and now it's maybe 3-5 times a year, THAT'S IT.

 

Inserting this again. Psych issues or not, I'm here to tell you it's not worth sacrificing your life and sanity at the altar of someone else's issues.

 

In the OP's case, his wife doesn't apparently trust him enough to be intimate with him about what's really going on. That's after 8 years and change, an eternity in my book. I've lived that life and I have no problem saying I'd be gone. I can't save the world, so I think I'll just save myself

[Larry W]

This is always a red flag...even if it is such a forum as LS. What is she hiding after you are in bed? Can you or do you want to check the history on her/your computer? I have checked before and don't really find anything that concerns me, I don't know if there is a way she could hide things or not?

 

 

 

Does she ever? Even my wife when not wanting sex would at least sometimes cuddle and kiss. As long as I didn't pursue it farther, we were okay. NEVER

 

 

 

First, if she has or is bankrupt, then there is a big problem...especially since you say she still spends. Does this happen consistently or in spurts (Spurts would support your sister's idea of bipolar)? She buys househould things and crap (things we don't need or just junk). EVERY weekend she has to go shopping, so it's a continuous thing.

 

And if you are under the debt of credit cards and cars and house, then you have a lot of worries, my friend. While I think it is good that she is not tied to you financially, I think there is a problem of communication here, too, as you well know. Well the good thing about the credit card is I am the only holder of the one in my name. However, recently I found out she has 2, not sure how she got them because of her credit. She went ballistic when I confronted her about the credit cards she got in her name and said it was none of my business and they were for things that she wanted to buy. I do not ever tell her she cannot buy this or that, I just either tell her we don't have the money at the time or we're short. She has everything and more than what she's ever asked me for.

 

 

 

What does she all buy?

 

 

 

What part of her income is spent by her versus her contribution to the household bills? In her last marriage, what was the financial situation like? Her paychecks cover daycare and groceries. I do not know the financial details of her last marriage.

 

 

That is quite a coincidence.

 

If she had a big wedding the first time, then I can see why she would not want it this time. Her first marriage was at the JOP as well....

 

Why would she not want you to meet her parents? I wish I had an answer for that, it's very baffling as her husband. My 6 year old daughter has met her grandparents 2 times, that's it. They never want to talk to her on the phone either. It's unfortunate for my daughter, because she got to meet and love and be loved by my parents who are both now gone, so my wifes parents are the only grandparents she has now.

 

What does she tell her parents about you? Do they think YOU don't want to visit or do they know that she doesn't want you to visit? I don't know what she tells them. I hope she doesn't tell them I don't want to meet them because I've offered many times to make the 20 hour one way trip to see them.

 

What is her relationship like with them? How is it with her father? She talks to her mom only late at night when I am in bed or on the way to and from work. She talks about her dad every once in a while, but I've never heard her talk to him.

 

If she was pregnant at 15, what was she like at the time? Who made her pregnant? It was a one night stand is all I know.......

 

 

The question becomes here...do you love her enough to discover who she is and why she is what she is? Yes, of course. I married her 'for better or for worse'. But the longer she pushes me away the harder it will be for me to handle the truth if it's ever revealed.

 

A couple more questions....

 

Since your wife is on her third relationship (including the one with her daughter), what all happened in each? Why did her last marriage end? The first was a fling, the second he was abusive.

 

Do you think she trusts you and is your partner? Or do you think she is always looking at you...waiting for the next foot to drop? That does cross my mind and it worries me.

 

I do NOT think it would be wise to give an ultimatum of divorce. IMO this would only indicate to her what she is afraid of already...that you will leave her, too. I have mentioned that in the heat of the argument and it doesn't appear to overly concern her. I don't mean it, the last thing I want to do is end another marriage. I will do whatever I can to make this work, but I need her help communicating with eachother.

 

What all do you know of her past? As I type this, I could tell you the majority of what happened to my wife until I met her...and this includes sexual, verbal and physical abuse. It includes counseling and bulimia. It includes depression and more. She has had so much confidence in me that soon after we started dating, she was confiding this all to me.

 

I do not know as much as I'd like or should know. I don't know if she's hiding something or if she just doesn't trust me, but she won't confide in me about anything. She is distant from her older daughter (22 yrs old now) as well, so it's not just me.

 

And yes, it has contributed to a sexless marriage at times and emotional upheaval for her.

 

My point is...I know what makes her who she is. I think this is one of the more important things people need to know about their partners if their marriage is to work. I agree!!!!

 

 

 

Easy. Email the moderators to do a name change. They can do this without you needing to repost your threads. They could also edit your current posts if you feel you put in any revealing details.

 

I have already sent a PM to them. Thank you again for your time and advice!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Don't discount the idea that she may simply just not like, want or need sex with you anymore. You'd be surprised at how many women in long term relationships simply 'get over' sex. Its a chemical thing where women adjust to their partners. Now, that said - outside sex is a different story. A woman in a sexless marriage who does not want or need sex with her husband can and will engage in highly sexual affairs with other men. New set of chemicals = an awakening of the libido.

 

I'm not suggesting that she is having an affair - just that perhaps it is something as simple as a biochemical snafu that happens to countless other men (and women), sticking their partners with sexless marriages.

[kiki30]

I have two conflicting thoughts... the whole parents thing is really weird ...but may be connected to my second thought - which is that your wife sounds like she has bipolar tendencies and suffers from major depression.

 

I exhibited very similar symptoms when i was in my former relationship, i had and still have issues of sexual, physical abuse that I had not received any treatment for, not to mention my ex was emotionally repressed and spent most of his time with his friends and family. About the third year in I lost most of my emotional connection to him, although i loved him more than i could say, but I didn't feel the same. Not all at, I felt burdened and dark and started to withdraw from the world around me, I was like a robot going through the motions, I spent hours at the mall shopping, buying things i didn't really want or need...there were bags everywhere... i stopped having sex the thought of it made me ill, really i was repulsed, i was having nightmares about the abuse i had suffered, my ex couldn't even hold my hand without me getting all weird... only thing is i tried to go to counselling he wasn't interested...

 

There are too many similarities between my situation and your for me to believe she is just cheating or is selfish.

 

Something much deeper is going on, my ex didn't want to know and shut down when i tried to explain to him. He wanted a simple life he said - me and petty sexual and physcial abuse were too complicated for him i guess.

[ForumFool]

Sorry to read all this...I know diabetes can make a person mega tired a tired unlike the worse day you have had ..if she is not in good control....and that too would make her not want sex.....BUT the odd thing to me is her attitude and the NO you can't meet my family..she sounds hostile..you know that I do not want to entertain you comment screans of hostility....anyhow what I would do is tell her ..do it first...you have made an appt with a theapist....a lawyer and you think she needs to have her blood sugars checked HBA1C especially..Holy cow she could just lay there and fake it (though I am not advising that) rather than just get up and go to the couch...she either HAS to work with you to fix this...whatever THIS is ...or you need to get out....trust me I wasted 15 years with my husband and though I am still here it ....hoping to leave soon.....it was 15 years wasted......at 8 ...she needs to want to fix it or you have an answer...Dont degrade yourself with an affair....just see if you can get her to someone and if not then ...well...sadly adios to her

[juanmarco]

As someone who lives with a depressive spouse, dealing with marriage is hard. But, to bear the brunt news, you do not have a marriage. You may share a child, a home, and a bank account, but that is it. She has not made you a part of her life in any way, shape nor form. She does not let you see her parents. She does not let you see her shopping receipts. She does not share about her dr's apts. She likely does not actually tell you about her day.

 

What I would like to say is that you need to get her into a councilor with you and not allow her to avoid the questions. Find a hard-ass to guide you guys through the process of opening up to eachother. You may find that she has bi-polar (which is hell to live with from all accounts) or even worse (in my opinion) she could have borderline personality disorder.

 

If you are not exaggerating the situation (I make no judgements) I would recommend finding a way to extract yourself from the situation. Quickly.

 

Either way, find a good counselor for YOU so that you can make it through whatever process you will have to slog through intact. Good luck.

[sadintexas]

This is a MAJOR red flag for me because of my personal experience. Take it for what it's worth.

 

I didn't meet my in laws until exH and I had been together seven years. He always told me it was because they were not close, that his grandparents had basically raised him and after he moved out at 18, he really didn't look back.

 

I won't go into all the details but basically it turned out that most of what he had told me about his life had been lies. It was quite an eye opener for me. That's why he kept us apart.

 

My exH is NPD. Discovered there is also a long history of NPD on his father's side of the family. It all made sense in the end.

 

When I read your story, I couldn't help but think that there's something going on with your W as well. It does sound to me like she hooked you with a false persona, and now you're seeing her true colors.

 

It's one thing to have issues, but another to dismiss you entirely...to not share her medical issues, her family, her thoughts etc with you. It sounds as if you're trying to communicate with her and she isn't reciprocating.

 

An affair might be possible. A keylogger on the computer will tell you what she's doing online. I think the issues are much deeper than an affair (if there is one). I think that's just a symptom of a much larger problem.

 

This is just MY opinion, but if you're dealing with a disordered person, or a person who is bi-polar refusing acknowledgment or treatment, you're just spinning your wheels. The faster you get to the bottom of this and accept it and make the appropriate decisions, the better off you'll be. You might check into the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder to see if any of that makes sense to you.