My wife won't have sex with me

[Larry W]

I've been married for going on 8 years. Sex before marriage was fantastic, several times a day. She got pregnanat a couple months before we got married and the sex stopped, no sex on our honeymoon and now it's maybe 3-5 times a year, THAT'S IT.

 

I have tried every which way to talk to her to try to find out what's wrong, is it me? Is it someone else? Her answer has varied, from she's too tired, she has stuff to do, to stressed, to it's diabetes, to now the common answer every time is she's just not interested in sex. THAT'S IT? I ask her, isn't that a bit sellfish? What should I do? Should I plan on not ever having sex again? She replies, NO, but then a couple more months go by and no sex, no cuddling, no kissing, NOTHING. If I put my arm around her in bed, that's the extent she'll let me go, if my hands 'wander' she gets up and leaves and goes to the couch.

 

I love sex and if it were up to me I would have sex everyday......but I also like being loved, committed and giving love and making my wife feel good and feel good about herself. But what she is doing to me by giving me absolutely no compassion, passion or love in our relationship is really making me resent and hate her. I don't want to do either...but it's hard being in a relationship alone.

 

I don't want to accuse her of cheating, but I think sometimes the way our sex life is that maybe she is.

 

I've mentioned counseling and 'she doesn't want to tell people about our problems and she doesn't need counseling'........

 

Can anyone who has a similar situation please offer some advice?

 

Wanting to love, but I have no one to love...

[Kamille]

Just curious... Why is your wife so tired?

 

I'm asking because I just had a long discussion with a friend who is the one no longer interested in sex in her mariage. To me the reason seems quite obvious: she takes care of the house, the kid AND she has a full time job. She basically never has a minute to herself... So of course her libido is going to dip.

 

Do you do your fair share with the children? Do you help around the house?

[Larry W]

Just curious... Why is your wife so tired?

 

I'm asking because I just had a long discussion with a friend who is the one no longer interested in sex in her mariage. To me the reason seems quite obvious: she takes care of the house, the kid AND she has a full time job. She basically never has a minute to herself... So of course her libido is going to dip.

 

Do you do your fair share with the children? Do you help around the house?

 

My wife works part time. She usually goes in around 8:30am and is off by around 3pm. She generally takes a nap when she gets home. I leave the house at 4:30am to go to work, commute 3.5hrs round trip and am home by 5pm. I do not do alot during the week when I get home from work, basically because I am exhausted. I wake up at 3:15am, so I obviously go to be pretty early. BUT..I am off work every other Friday, which that time is spent doing all of the laundry (washing, folding and putting it away), dishes and house cleaning. I do this on the weekends as well while she is out shopping both Sat & Sun, when she's not shopping she is taking a nap which can last from 3-5 hours. So I would (at least in my mind) feel I do my fair share. I am also responsible for paying all of the bills, finances etc.

 

I play with our 6 year old daughter constantly. Whether it's playing games, coloring reading etc. I also love to cook and get my daughter involved in the kitchen as well, while my wife is sleeping.

 

HELP!!

[fral945]

Your wife sounds lazy and selfish. It sounds like she is not overly concerned about your needs, is comfortable in the relationship, and doesn’t think you would ever leave her. I personally think you have to make an ultimatum (or ultimatums) and act on them with that type of person for any change to happen. Otherwise, it doesn’t sound like things are going to change.

 

If you have voiced your frustration and attempted to get her to counseling yet are still being ignored, I think you have 3 options:

 

1) Find another method to get her to some sort of counseling (have family or friends intervene since she won’t listen to you). It doesn’t sound like you are having any success being vocal about it.

 

2) Determine if there is anything you can do to help (i.e., more help around the house, more romance, etc.)

 

3) If the 1st two don't work, tell her if she is unwilling to at least meet some of your sexual needs and does not want to go to counseling then she either needs to:

 

a. Allow you to meet them outside the marriage (have an open relationship)

b. End the relationship and allow you to find someone who will

 

I consider the last option the most drastic, but I would even go so far as to say if you go that route that you need to give her a date by which you expect some change. I have seen this type behavior in my own family and I think you need to act sooner than later. Otherwise you will just see more and more of this type of behavior. The relationship will become more and more one-sided. Don't become a doormat and stand up for yourself.

[Larry W]

Your wife sounds lazy and selfish. It sounds like she is not overly concerned about your needs, is comfortable in the relationship, and doesn’t think you would ever leave her. I personally think you have to make an ultimatum (or ultimatums) and act on them with that type of person for any change to happen. Otherwise, it doesn’t sound like things are going to change.

 

If you have voiced your frustration and attempted to get her to counseling yet are still being ignored, I think you have 3 options:

 

1) Find another method to get her to some sort of counseling (have family or friends intervene since she won’t listen to you). It doesn’t sound like you are having any success being vocal about it.

 

2) Determine if there is anything you can do to help (i.e., more help around the house, more romance, etc.)

 

3) If the 1st two don't work, tell her if she is unwilling to at least meet some of your sexual needs and does not want to go to counseling then she either needs to:

 

a. Allow you to meet them outside the marriage (have an open relationship)

b. End the relationship and allow you to find someone who will

 

I consider the last option the most drastic, but I would even go so far as to say if you go that route that you need to give her a date by which you expect some change. I have seen this type behavior in my own family and I think you need to act sooner than later. Otherwise you will just see more and more of this type of behavior. The relationship will become more and more one-sided. Don't become a doormat and stand up for yourself.

 

 

You are so right, she has pretty much taken away my dignity and self respect. She's pretty much made me feel worthless as a husband..... I will try your advice. Thank you.

[giotto]

she's sprobably disconnected emotionally from you... are you meeting her emotional needs?

[JamesM]

I would be cautious to jump to "your wife is lazy."

 

She works almost 35 hours a week. What is her job? Does she like it?

 

Who takes care of the child while you work? I am not criticizing you, but you said that you help out Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She is on her own Monday through Thursday. Does she do anything around the house?

 

Who cooks the meals?

 

How are your finances? Do you have a lot of debt?

 

Has your wife had any medical conditions? You mentioned diabetes...has that been a real problem? Has she been more depressed since the birth of your child?

 

How much time do the two of you spend alone during the week and weekend without your child? How much time is spent without the TV or other distractions?

 

Is there anything else that changed since marriage?

 

From my own experiences, I am inclined to believe that it is not physical (but that has not been ruled out) and is more of an emotional issue. The lack of cuddling and kissing indicates a lack of an emotional connection. This usually is from a lack of time spent together.

 

BTW, I know what you are going through. I have been there and will probably be there at some point again. The best way to solve this is by stepping back and looking at it objectively. Has hard as it is, leave your own feelings of anger and rejection out of it.

 

Something changed. What was it? That is your project.

 

You have three choices....live with this, fix this, or leave it. The hardest one is fixing it...yet it is the most rewarding.

[Larry W]

she's sprobably disconnected emotionally from you... are you meeting her emotional needs?

 

I'm open to try anything, can you explain exactly what you're referring to as 'emotional needs'?

 

My wife is from Texas and we live in Virginia......I have never met her parents or another family member for that matter. She has gone to visit them several times and I asked if I could go, she straight out says NO. She says when she goes to visit her family she wants to spend time with them, not entertain me (her exact words). This has been going on for over 8 years.......I'm not allowed to ever meet my inlaws. I have spoke to her mother 2 times, once when our daughter was born and once to thank her for a birthday card, so they do exist! She never talks on the phone with them around me, it's always late at night or on the cell phone on her way to and from work.

 

She's screwing with my emotions wouldn't you say. I don't mean that as a slam towards your question, but kinda letting you know what I'm dealing with.

[carhill]

Pretty simple. She hooked you with sex and now you experience her as she really is. She trained you, man. Think back to the progression.

 

Shock her ass with something that won't allow for nappies. She's a fully formed adult, not a dependent child. Imagine if the gender roles were reversed here. What advice would she be getting from the resident females?

[JamesM]

Okay...you DO have a complicated situation.

 

If it was me, then I would be delving into why you have not been allowed to meet her parents. What do they say about it? The times you talked to her mother, did she say she wanted to meet you?

 

You are married....how did you avoid meeting her relatives? Did you elope?

 

Is she ashamed of YOU or THEM?

 

This situation takes counseling...first with her and then with the two of you.

 

Now I am really curious.

[carhill]

James, I composed my post prior to reading the OP's most recent posting, but, having read it, I honestly feel he does not want to know how deep that rabbit hole goes. If he wants to go there, he better don all the emotion protective gear known to man. I have a really bad feeling

[giotto]

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

[JamesM]

James, I composed my post prior to reading the OP's most recent posting, but, having read it, I honestly feel he does not want to know how deep that rabbit hole goes. If he wants to go there, he better don all the emotion protective gear known to man. I have a really bad feeling

 

 

I agree, and I am not sure I would want to know either.

 

Having said that, if he wants this marriage to survive, I am afraid he will have to go down that hole.

 

How can one be with a woman for so long and know so little?

 

When I read his last post, I also had that "bad feeling." Where will this all end?

 

A couple more questions...how old are you and how old is she?

 

What do you know about her past before you entered into the picture? Has she been sexually abused? Is there any indication of parental abuse?

[Larry W]

She works almost 35 hours a week. What is her job? Does she like it?

She works for a major food store in the accounting dept. I think it's like any other job, she tolerates it but would prefer to work somewhere else, like most people.

 

Who takes care of the child while you work? I am not criticizing you, but you said that you help out Friday, Saturday and Sunday. She is on her own Monday through Thursday. Does she do anything around the house?

She gets our daughter ready in the mornings and drops her off at daycare and from there our daughter goes to school. I pick her up from daycare in the evening. My wife does cook dinner 9 out of 10 nights during the week, but I do offer and love to cook. She keeps the house in order during the week, I can't complain alot because after dinner I pretty much go to bed. But she gets on the computer for hours after I go to bed. I have asked her to at least cuddle with me when she decides to come to bed, not necessarily to initate sex, but just to have a warm body next to me.

 

Who cooks the meals?

She cooks mostly during the week because she's home hours before me. On nights she doesn't feel like cooking, I'd like to cook but she's rather order out. I cook on the weekends.

 

How are your finances? Do you have a lot of debt?

We don't have alot of debt, but the debt we do is all in my name. She claimed bankruptcy years ago during her first marriage and done nothing to try to repair her credit, so she in essence has no credit. Everything we have, house, 2 brand new cars, credit cards, utilities, etc. are in my name and will screw ME not her if they are not paid on time, which they are. I am the 'Breadwinner' (for the record I hate that term, it seems belittling) but she does contribute, BUT.........she will also SPEND SPEND SPEND SPEND and NEVER gives me the reciepts which I need to balance the checkbook. Some days I will go to balance our account and there are $200-$300 worth of debit card purchases that I don't have a recor of and therefore in some cases we don't have the funds to cover. This has been another discussion she just AVOIDS and doesn't care about, like sex. She says she contributes, so she has the right to spend.

 

Has your wife had any medical conditions? You mentioned diabetes...has that been a real problem? Has she been more depressed since the birth of your child?

Yes and Yes, but she does not discuss her Dr's visits with me, she is depressed and my sister who is an RN says she has the symptoms of depression and being bi-polar. But if my wife won't talk to me about these problems, what can I do?

 

How much time do the two of you spend alone during the week and weekend without your child? How much time is spent without the TV or other distractions?

Not alot, this could be key, you have a point.

 

Is there anything else that changed since marriage? [ /quote] Not that I know of..

 

From my own experiences, I am inclined to believe that it is not physical (but that has not been ruled out) and is more of an emotional issue. The lack of cuddling and kissing indicates a lack of an emotional connection. This usually is from a lack of time spent together.

 

BTW, I know what you are going through. I have been there and will probably be there at some point again. The best way to solve this is by stepping back and looking at it objectively. Has hard as it is, leave your own feelings of anger and rejection out of it.

 

Something changed. What was it? That is your project.

 

You have three choices....live with this, fix this, or leave it. The hardest one is fixing it...yet it is the most rewarding. [ /quote]

 

Thanks for all of your input James, I appreciate the time and effort!

[Larry W]

Okay...you DO have a complicated situation.

 

If it was me, then I would be delving into why you have not been allowed to meet her parents. What do they say about it? The times you talked to her mother, did she say she wanted to meet you?

 

You are married....how did you avoid meeting her relatives? Did you elope?

 

Is she ashamed of YOU or THEM?

 

This situation takes counseling...first with her and then with the two of you.

 

Now I am really curious.

 

SHE wanted to go to the Justice of the Peace to get married, I would have preferred a more traditional but small wedding....but I did what she wanted. GET THIS, we got married on September 11, 2001 as the towers were being bombed. What that a sign of what was to come or what??

 

 

James, I composed my post prior to reading the OP's most recent posting, but, having read it, I honestly feel he does not want to know how deep that rabbit hole goes. If he wants to go there, he better don all the emotion protective gear known to man. I have a really bad feeling

 

You don't really know how close you hit home, I'm terrified of what I don't know about her past....

[carhill]

giotto, thanks for that link. I became particularly interested in the policy of undivided attention, as that is the space in which marital and love needs can be shared and met. This is what I pleaded for within MC. I see it so clearly. We compromised that my wife could take a time-out whenever she chose, but was responsible for continuing, as a sign of valuing my perspective.

 

OP, I know this is shocking, but make an appointment with a divorce mediator and invite her to join you. The word "divorce" will shock her, guaranteed. If it doesn't, don't bother with the mediator and go straight to lawyer. Otherwise, open a dialogue and suggest counseling prior to or concurrent with mediation. Once she knows you're serious and will fight for your custody, marital and financial rights, her nappies will end and she'll get off the complacent, the world revolves around me train. Think of it as her big reality check.

 

TBH, if I hadn't been emotionally drained from caring for my mother, I would've done exactly this a number of years ago. Happy to say I'm not drained anymore. MC really helped with that

[giotto]

But she gets on the computer for hours after I go to bed.

 

 

big alarm bell... she could be having an emotional affair...

[Larry W]

I agree, and I am not sure I would want to know either.

 

Having said that, if he wants this marriage to survive, I am afraid he will have to go down that hole.

 

How can one be with a woman for so long and know so little?

 

When I read his last post, I also had that "bad feeling." Where will this all end?

 

A couple more questions...how old are you and how old is she?

 

What do you know about her past before you entered into the picture? Has she been sexually abused? Is there any indication of parental abuse?

 

We're both 37 years old. I agree, about me knowing so little. We were both coming out of a bad marriage and obviously jumped into something we shouldn't have, at least I did.

 

Her past husband was abusive to her and her daughter (from a previous relationship when she was 15) whom I raised from the time my wife and I met when her daughter was 9 and considers me her dad because she's never met her real dad and her previous step father was abusive in many ways....

[carhill]

big alarm bell... she could be having an emotional affair...

Or she could be posting on LoveShack

 

(just sayin', since that's what I do after my wife goes to bed some nights)

[Larry W]

Or she could be posting on LoveShack

 

(just sayin', since that's what I do after my wife goes to bed some nights)

 

Uh oh, I have used my real name, is there a way to change it? I really never thought about that. CRAP!

[giotto]

Or she could be posting on LoveShack

 

(just sayin', since that's what I do after my wife goes to bed some nights)

 

me too...

[carhill]

OP, just remove your location. That should help. If you're really concerned, register a new, more anonymous user name and discontinue the use of this one. That is allowed.

[Larry W]

OP, just remove your location. That should help. If you're really concerned, register a new, more anonymous user name and discontinue the use of this one. That is allowed.

 

Well I was thinking........or maybe I'll leave it and maybe she'll read it and then it may hit home with her. She won't listen to me, maybe she'll see some of you guys and girls suggestions and then she'll listen!

 

What's she gonna do.....still NOT have sex with me? I've wanted to say that for a long time!!!

[carhill]

If your user name (thanks for changing the location) can tie to you personally, she can use printouts of your postings as documents in a divorce and/or custody action. Think of it like confessing to a LEO. It can and will be used against you

 

If that doesn't matter to you, post away...

[JamesM]

But she gets on the computer for hours after I go to bed.

 

This is always a red flag...even if it is such a forum as LS. What is she hiding after you are in bed? Can you or do you want to check the history on her/your computer?

 

I have asked her to at least cuddle with me when she decides to come to bed, not necessarily to initate sex, but just to have a warm body next to me.

 

Does she ever? Even my wife when not wanting sex would at least sometimes cuddle and kiss. As long as I didn't pursue it farther, we were okay.

 

We don't have alot of debt, but the debt we do is all in my name. She claimed bankruptcy years ago during her first marriage and done nothing to try to repair her credit, so she in essence has no credit. Everything we have, house, 2 brand new cars, credit cards, utilities, etc. are in my name and will screw ME not her if they are not paid on time, which they are.

 

First, if she has or is bankrupt, then there is a big problem...especially since you say she still spends. Does this happen consistently or in spurts (Spurts would support your sister's idea of bipolar)?

 

And if you are under the debt of credit cards and cars and house, then you have a lot of worries, my friend. While I think it is good that she is not tied to you financially, I think there is a problem of communication here, too, as you well know.

 

BUT.........she will also SPEND SPEND SPEND SPEND and NEVER gives me the reciepts which I need to balance the checkbook.

 

What does she all buy?

 

She says she contributes, so she has the right to spend.

 

What part of her income is spent by her versus her contribution to the household bills? In her last marriage, what was the financial situation like?

 

But if my wife won't talk to me about these problems, what can I do?

 

Nothing.

 

Thanks for all of your input James, I appreciate the time and effort!

 

Hopefully something I or someone else says will trigger a solution for you.

 

SHE wanted to go to the Justice of the Peace to get married, I would have preferred a more traditional but small wedding....but I did what she wanted. GET THIS, we got married on September 11, 2001 as the towers were being bombed. What that a sign of what was to come or what??

 

That is quite a coincidence.

 

If she had a big wedding the first time, then I can see why she would not want it this time. Why would she not want you to meet her parents?

 

What does she tell her parents about you? Do they think YOU don't want to visit or do they know that she doesn't want you to visit? What is her relationship like with them? How is it with her father?

 

If she was pregnant at 15, what was she like at the time? Who made her pregnant?

 

You don't really know how close you hit home, I'm terrified of what I don't know about her past....

 

The question becomes here...do you love her enough to discover who she is and why she is what she is?

 

A couple more questions....

 

Since your wife is on her third relationship (including the one with her daughter), what all happened in each? Why did her last marriage end?

 

Do you think she trusts you and is your partner? Or do you think she is always looking at you...waiting for the next foot to drop?

 

I do NOT think it would be wise to give an ultimatum of divorce. IMO this would only indicate to her what she is afraid of already...that you will leave her, too.

 

What all do you know of her past? As I type this, I could tell you the majority of what happened to my wife until I met her...and this includes sexual, verbal and physical abuse. It includes counseling and bulimia. It includes depression and more. She has had so much confidence in me that soon after we started dating, she was confiding this all to me.

 

And yes, it has contributed to a sexless marriage at times and emotional upheaval for her.

 

My point is...I know what makes her who she is. I think this is one of the more important things people need to know about their partners if their marriage is to work.

 

Uh oh, I have used my real name, is there a way to change it? I really never thought about that. CRAP!

 

Easy. Email the moderators to do a name change. They can do this without you needing to repost your threads. They could also edit your current posts if you feel you put in any revealing details.