SRV Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Condoms do not protect you 100% from STDs just so you know, it is a preventative measure but not an absolute guarantee.
Author momto3 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Condoms do not protect you 100% from STDs just so you know, it is a preventative measure but not an absolute guarantee. well I have never had a problem in over 20 years so I hate to sound like its no big deal because it is but honestly that is the least of my worries right now. I have slept with 3 people in my entire life so STD's dont rank very high on my list of concerns.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 No I wont tell him that. I have hurt him enough and he doesnt need to know that. sometimes what people dont know wont hurt them sorry, I've lived that one before. and its complete bullsh##t. If my xwife had the tits to fess up to me, I could have save 8 years of my life. I was robbed....she was the one that robbed me.....like you are doing to your H. so he will not ever know about this. I do appreciate your comments however and I take it you were cheated on as you seem awfully bitter towards me Thats because I feel for your husband and know what more than likely is going to happen. He is going to waste more years of his life. You will be emotionally, physically, and otherwise unavailable to him due to your pining for the OM. but the one being cheated on isnt always so innocent so keep that in mind. Ya we know, you'd really like us to believe he is some sort of monster. Bottom line, and you said it yourself, he changed his ways, he changed his life, AND HE FORGAVE YOU. So what is he getting in return for all of that? A slap in the face and a wife that is not worthy of him. Maybe if you would have just dropped the other man and said, "I love my husband and he is the only one I love" it might be a different story. But no....all we hear is the story about how you pine for the OM. If the one being cheated on fully provided what was needed in the relationship a lot of people wouldnt cheat yadda yadda.....more justifications and excuses. I never had all of my needs met in my marriage....but you didn't see me going out and sticking my d##k in other women. Go without emotional support for many years and be treated like a piece of garbage and tell me how much love you would have in your heart for someone if they did that to you over and over again. You too might have found yourself looking elsewhere at that point No, I would have left the relationship. Never say never Dexter Uh, I can say it and can stick to it. never cheated, never will...no matter what the circumstance. If I have that much contempt for someone to cheat on them, I'll leave first. Otherwise whats the point in staying?
Author momto3 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 sorry, I've lived that one before. and its complete bullsh##t. If my xwife had the tits to fess up to me, I could have save 8 years of my life. I was robbed....she was the one that robbed me.....like you are doing to your H. He robbed me too of many years and you keep saying he forgave me. I forgave him too. It works both ways buddy.[/I] Thats because I feel for your husband and know what more than likely is going to happen. He is going to waste more years of his life. You will be emotionally, physically, and otherwise unavailable to him due to your pining for the OM. [I]how about all the years of my life he wasted? But I guess that was ok by you. you dont freakin know me so dont judge me. When you are 8 months pregnant and have a husband come home all coked out and punch your pregnant stomach and beat the **** out of you then come talk to me about how horrible a person I was back then. Ya we know, you'd really like us to believe he is some sort of monster. Bottom line, and you said it yourself, he changed his ways, he changed his life, AND HE FORGAVE YOU. So what is he getting in return for all of that? A slap in the face and a wife that is not worthy of him. Maybe if you would have just dropped the other man and said, "I love my husband and he is the only one I love" it might be a different story. But no....all we hear is the story about how you pine for the OM. [I]Thats not all you hear and he has changed as I have wrote he still has some issues. He is no longer the abusive monster he used to be. But by that time I already had a problem with this OM what is it that you dont get? Im sorry Im not like you that I cant turn my feelings off like a switch..I guess I should be burned at the stake.[/i] yadda yadda.....more justifications and excuses. I never had all of my needs met in my marriage....but you didn't see me going out and sticking my d##k in other women. [i] I said the same thing once upon a time. I would have never been someone to do something like that. Once again you are bitter at your wife or ex wife or whoever hurt you. Dont lump me in with her I did nothing to you[/i] No, I would have left the relationship. As I stated above back then it was impossible. Period. Uh, I can say it and can stick to it. never cheated, never will...no matter what the circumstance. If I have that much contempt for someone to cheat on them, I'll leave first. Otherwise whats the point in staying? Well then perhaps you are more fortunate than some people are. Not everyone has that luxury at any given time.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 He robbed me too of many years and you keep saying he forgave me. I forgave him too. It works both ways buddy. Yes, you forgave him. he changed his ways, made the effort to do the right thing. So now here you are, he is forgiving you and you are taking HIS forgiveness and pissing in his face. So it kind of makes your response above less than adequate. how about all the years of my life he wasted? But I guess that was ok by you. No, not ok at all. but you forgave him and he changed. But you are going to forgive him, then turn around and f##k some other guy? That isn't forgiveness. you dont freakin know me so dont judge me. I know your type all too well. Been there, done that. When you are 8 months pregnant and have a husband come home all coked out and punch your pregnant stomach and beat the **** out of you then come talk to me about how horrible a person I was back then. Then for the love of God, why did you stay???? And if he is as bad here as you say he is, then I would have thought you really would have been in for it once he found out you were cheating. But that would have been pretty pertinent information in the first place that was omitted. Thats not all you hear and he has changed as I have wrote he still has some issues. He is no longer the abusive monster he used to be. But by that time I already had a problem with this OM what is it that you dont get? Im sorry Im not like you that I cant turn my feelings off like a switch..I guess I should be burned at the stake. You know what, if your husband was beating you, and I was the OM(which wouldn't ever happen by the way), and I cared about you, I would have beat your husband to a pulp. And sorry, I just don't get it. If he was a physical abuser, wouldn't cheating be the equivalent of pouring gas on you and lighting a match? I said the same thing once upon a time. I would have never been someone to do something like that. Some of us have convictions and can stick to what we say. Once again you are bitter at your wife or ex wife or whoever hurt you. Dont lump me in with her I did nothing to you No, you are just doing it to your husband. But then again, now that you decided to put some more details into it, I really don't know why you stayed if in fact that is what he did. So here is the story. Apparantly, your husband was a physical abuser. We get that story now. You stayed with him, forgave him, he changed, now he forgave you, but you aren't going to change. You don't have a newborn any longer, why the hell would you really want to stay if your heart doesn't belong to him?
Author momto3 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 He robbed me too of many years and you keep saying he forgave me. I forgave him too. It works both ways buddy. Yes, you forgave him. he changed his ways, made the effort to do the right thing. So now here you are, he is forgiving you and you are taking HIS forgiveness and pissing in his face. So it kind of makes your response above less than adequate. how about all the years of my life he wasted? But I guess that was ok by you. No, not ok at all. but you forgave him and he changed. But you are going to forgive him, then turn around and f##k some other guy? That isn't forgiveness. you dont freakin know me so dont judge me. I know your type all too well. Been there, done that. When you are 8 months pregnant and have a husband come home all coked out and punch your pregnant stomach and beat the **** out of you then come talk to me about how horrible a person I was back then. Then for the love of God, why did you stay???? And if he is as bad here as you say he is, then I would have thought you really would have been in for it once he found out you were cheating. But that would have been pretty pertinent information in the first place that was omitted. Thats not all you hear and he has changed as I have wrote he still has some issues. He is no longer the abusive monster he used to be. But by that time I already had a problem with this OM what is it that you dont get? Im sorry Im not like you that I cant turn my feelings off like a switch..I guess I should be burned at the stake. You know what, if your husband was beating you, and I was the OM(which wouldn't ever happen by the way), and I cared about you, I would have beat your husband to a pulp. And sorry, I just don't get it. If he was a physical abuser, wouldn't cheating be the equivalent of pouring gas on you and lighting a match? I said the same thing once upon a time. I would have never been someone to do something like that. Some of us have convictions and can stick to what we say. Once again you are bitter at your wife or ex wife or whoever hurt you. Dont lump me in with her I did nothing to you No, you are just doing it to your husband. But then again, now that you decided to put some more details into it, I really don't know why you stayed if in fact that is what he did. So here is the story. Apparantly, your husband was a physical abuser. We get that story now. You stayed with him, forgave him, he changed, now he forgave you, but you aren't going to change. You don't have a newborn any longer, why the hell would you really want to stay if your heart doesn't belong to him? I want to change why do you keep not understanding what I am saying. I am cutting ties to the OM once and for all bc I want to. yes he was a physical abuser to the extreme and as I have now stated several times I had kids and was trapped bc I have no family to help me. I was broke unemployed and had nothing except him. He used that to keep me there but once he stopped the drugs we started to lead a more normal life. Maybe I did not cut of OM because it took me YEARS to get to this point where I forgave him. Believe me there are many sordid details. I did not post them bc quite frankly I dont want to relive them ever again. Thats why. And yes I was in for it when he found out I cheated he tried to strangle me. There I said it ok? happy now? but eventually it is what saved our marriage as absurd as that may sounds
Reggie Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Assuming what you say about yor husband is true(and , with a WS, one never knows), why have you continued cheating for so long? I realize others have asked this in one form or another, but you have not really explained this. It just makes no sense that you have continued like this all these years. It casts doubt on your description of your husband. Frankly, you sound like a verydisturbed person that needs therapy. What about your kids? You've cheated on them, as well. What justifications do you have for this?
Author momto3 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Assuming what you say about yor husband is true(and , with a WS, one never knows), why have you continued cheating for so long? I realize others have asked this in one form or another, but you have not really explained this. It just makes no sense that you have continued like this all these years. It casts doubt on your description of your husband. Frankly, you sound like a verydisturbed person that needs therapy. What about your kids? You've cheated on them, as well. What justifications do you have for this? UMMMM I dont get what you people dont understand here. I have NOT cheated in YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we have an emotional relationship THATS IT so why do people keep telling me I kept cheating. I have had sex with nobody but my husband for a very very long time...I wanted to do it again but have decided its not right. I mean does anybody here actually read what I wrote? I guess not..lol
ForumFool Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 People cannot help how they FEEL I know I am not a saint and not gonna bash you or anything......You can feel all you want about the OM ...don't dwell on it....but please for your sake and your H's if you REALLY love him have zero contact with the OM ....JUST CALL no meeting..or send a post card and end ALL contact....good luck hon I am going to quote myself because I didn't see if you saw I posted to you....What do you think of what I suggested? I honestly think it would make you feel better about you and would be fair to hubby
Author momto3 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I am going to quote myself because I didn't see if you saw I posted to you....What do you think of what I suggested? I honestly think it would make you feel better about you and would be fair to hubby I am actually taking your advice forumfool thank you. You are the only one in this thread who hasnt been like a maniac. Its funny these forums are supposed to be for support yet all they are is filled with people who were cheated on and who are like raving lunatics and they call me disturbed? LOL You are actually the only one who has not berated me so thank you for that. I came here hoping to talk and get help with my problems. I thought there would be similar people like me here. Had I realized I was in the "I was cheated on and now hold a grudge against random people I dont know who cheated on the internet thread" I would never have posted here! People here need to seriously chill out and stop berating people who are trying to actually do the right thing. there is no sense on me sitting here dwelling on what I did. Its time to move on. People want to make you feel like **** but guess what I am a good person despite what these people here think bc they do not know me nor what I have been through. so screw them
ForumFool Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Hey ya don't leave...give it time....I think people care in here ..I know I do...I am new and not one to pop someone else......its cool IMO you are here trying to do something to work on this...Hey girl we are not all perfect ....I am one who's husband has lied and cheated at least cyberwise a lot ...he has a 2 year secret life and maybe has body cheated too but ? ya know....I give ya credit for trying....and will keep you in my prayers.....I feel for you cause I can hear how frustrated you are in this thread...and I can hear you are trying.....Hugs
ForumFool Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I will add I have been in a EA I guess for 5 years......didn't call or see him much but was/am still smitten however the last 2 years I have avoided him like the plague....NOT easy.....I worked at NOT thinking about him a lot...you know day dreams...not easy...but I did...I prayed on it too ....Its a very hard thing to do because you have someone in your life who is nice even t think about.....and have to cut it off...I really wish you the best....what you have to do is not gonna be easy....but I know you can do it,,,,,Hugs
Author momto3 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I will add I have been in a EA I guess for 5 years......didn't call or see him much but was/am still smitten however the last 2 years I have avoided him like the plague....NOT easy.....I worked at NOT thinking about him a lot...you know day dreams...not easy...but I did...I prayed on it too ....Its a very hard thing to do because you have someone in your life who is nice even t think about.....and have to cut it off...I really wish you the best....what you have to do is not gonna be easy....but I know you can do it,,,,,Hugs Thanks again Forum. I really appreciate your kindness. I probably wont post here much if at all because I dont need to sit here and be called names and called crazy and a whole host of other things. I have beaten myself up and my spouse and vice versa for a long time and I want it to stop now which is why I came here in the first place. I understand people here have been hurt and I sympathize with them but there is just no need for the rudeness and name calling constantly. I expected some of it but enough is really enough calling me names isnt going to help me any. I know you can relate and Im glad that you are trying to work things out too. Hugs to you as well and thanks again..You really seem like a sweet person.
Reggie Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Being emotionally involved all these years constitutes infidelity, as well, mom. It is every bit as hurtful to a BS.
ForumFool Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I will miss you if you go...I feel like I am meeting new people here and me and you have kinda clicked....Ya know, I read some of the posts and I am thinking the people in here are maybe doing some tough love on you for your sake and hubbys....I could be wrong ...but I think that they really do care or why would they bother writing..IF you are still on and know how to pm in here I can't find it....please pm me any time.... I was just in the shower thinking on me and my worm of a husband ....and you and your thread and it hit me......that you HAVE said in here you know an EA is not right and are trying to let it go.............Would it be a better idea to start a new post in here asking on how to stop an EA?? Stating you are but need some ideas and tips...??? I know for me I kicked it and most likely only had it cause my marriage was **** from year one ...and now that it is over I may start it back up..........its when we are vunerable and al that we are gonna fall into that easier......Me my marriage IS over ..we just co-exist for NOW.....By EA FOR ME I hope to keep it all just day dreams no contact ....but I could fall and am human....Just watch the times you are down thats when you could give in to it.......hugs
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I want to change why do you keep not understanding what I am saying. I am cutting ties to the OM once and for all bc I want to. Do you really? Your situation is different now. You are no longer with a small child (sorry, can't remember how old now). You have a good job as evidenced by one of your other posts. So why stay in the marriage if your heart belongs to another man? Really, what is keeping you? Love? I'm sorry, but I don't really think so. Or is it the fact that the OM is married and probably doesn't have any intention of leaving his wife even though he is untrue to her. yes he was a physical abuser to the extreme and as I have now stated several times I had kids and was trapped bc I have no family to help me. And I am truly sorry for that. But now you don't have anything really holding you back. If your child is now older, you have a good job, and are in love with another man, then why not leave? I was broke unemployed and had nothing except him. And that is no longer the case. I understand you just finished a master's degree and work at a law firm? (sorry if I got that wrong, trying to remember from another thread)
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 UMMMM I dont get what you people dont understand here. I have NOT cheated in YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you have still been in contact with this other man behind your husband's back all these years exchanging sweet nothings and sexual chats, then yes, you have been cheating all these years....emotionally. we have an emotional relationship THATS IT THAT IS cheating. if you don't think it is, then tell your H. He'd understand if "THATS IT"......right?
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 People want to make you feel like **** but guess what I am a good person despite what these people here think bc they do not know me nor what I have been through. so screw them Ya, thats right. Screw us. We represent your husband and his side of it(minus the abuse years ago). So if it is "screw [us]", then it is screw your husband as well. We have been in his shoes, yet you don't want to see that. And THAT is where the problem lies. You only care about your side of it. That is why your marriage will fail....even if you stay married for the rest of your life.
riobikini Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Momto3, I read your first post in this thread. You're allowing yourself to be used. My guess would be that it's out of boredom with your present marriage -or (as similar as it sounds) rather, your need for *excitement, no matter if you're not as bored with your husband as I suspect. It's kind of like a 'spy game', a '007' kind of thing that just happens to stir up what you are probably registering as 'excitement'. Not recommended. Try to stir something up with your husband, instead. This guy is a cheater. He thinks as a cheater, he lives as cheaters do (disrespecting his announced, public commitment, at least once, to his wife and family, etc.). He sees you as prey. And you are so willing. Look, you can lie to youself over and over that any dealings you may have with him fit into the category of friendship. But that's not true. You are his co-cheater when you begin an affair with him. Decline the meeting, find a better caliber of friend, and focus on reviving your marriage. I know my advice isn't popular. But it's *honest*. (Smile) -Rio
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 This guy is a cheater. But so is she:confused: He sees you as prey. If someone came to me back when I was married and said, "don't be so hard on her, she was preyed upon by the OM"....I wouldn't have been swayed. Decline the meeting, find a better caliber of friend, and focus on reviving your marriage. I know my advice isn't popular. But it's *honest*. Although I advise setting her H free, I don't see anything wrong with your advice. That is if she were to be going back to her husband for the right reasons.....that she loves him...etc. I don't believe someone that cheats loves their victim. But hell, at least if she were to say, "I am going back to my husband because I love him and I don't want the OM" it might be different. But thats not what is going on I believe. She DOES want the OM, she DOES still want to have sex with him. I think she is just settling for her husband because the OM is married and I believe she realizes that if she leaves her husband, the OM won't be available for her. If she had the former attitude I laid out, I could at least say, "take this 2nd chance your H has given you and run with it." even if I don't agree he should have to settle for a cheater.
riobikini Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Dexter, right now (probably at this very momnet) this woman's husband is likely at work without a clue that his wife is thinking about meeting another man. The scenario vaguely painted is that this poor husband ranks in appeal to his wife about the same as a pair of badly worn loafers. But he has no idea -or maybe, no time to dwell on the fact that his marriage is in such a rut as to inspire the Mrs. to daydream about this leech who's about to blow into town for a one-night squeeze. Yeah, poor guy. I'm truly sympathetic to him. Men almost never know -and are usually, the last to know- when it comes to wives making close, new 'friends'. But surely, this guy knows *something* is wrong with the relationship he has with his wife. I wonder what clues he may have missed, to date. Women are expert when it comes to making things around the house seem 'normal', tho -I'll give you that. (Smile) Look, an affair happened in this story that hubby didn't have a line on, that is, until the 'Big Confession' spilled by his wife. Still, tho -noticeably, to me- there seems to have been no attempt to recover and revamp the marriage even then. Or, at least, if there was it certainly didn't last. So, it appears to me, that leaves *two* people (not just one) taking a marriage for granted. Neither one seems invested. Perhaps, at least one is easily distracted. Dexter, if people stop loving each other and their lives together and allow their attention to focus elsewhere, too often marriages die out. And maybe, some *need* to. As for the roaming traveler (cheater-at-random) I hope he wears rubbers. He could be in for some 'rainy' weather if momof3 can become momof4 and they aren't prepared at the next pitstop. -Rio
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 But surely, this guy knows *something* is wrong with the relationship he has with his wife. I wonder what clues he may have missed, to date. He knows. Thats why, as evidenced by her posts, that he has changed his ways and is making great strides to save his marriage. he forgave her and is trying to do what he needs to do. But he forgave her not knowing that she didn't take his forgivness and end it right there and then. hence his forgiveness was all for naught. He changed his ways. She has not. Oh she says that is what she is going to do, but she still wants to, in her own words, F the other man. Look, an affair happened in this story that hubby didn't have a line on, that is, until the 'Big Confession' spilled by his wife. Still, tho -noticeably, to me- there seems to have been no attempt to recover and revamp the marriage even then. Or, at least, if there was it certainly didn't last. Exactly, but not because the H didn't try, but because when he made the effort, changed his ways, and forgave her for the affair, she still continued contact, much less inappropriate contact, with the other man. So, it appears to me, that leaves *two* people (not just one) taking a marriage for granted. He took it for granted before her affair. But the emotional extortion of the affair made him change. She admitted this. While still not perfect, he changed. He no longer took it for granted. But she took his forgiveness and change for granted and kept in contact with her OM. If there is forgiveness after cheating, then any efforts to "save" the marriage are completely nullified if the cheater is still in contact with their affair partner. Neither one seems invested. Perhaps, at least one is easily distracted. Dexter, if people stop loving each other and their lives together and allow their attention to focus elsewhere, too often marriages die out. If what you say above is true, then it would be better for them to divorce...no?
ForumFool Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Hey ya Momof I just came by to say hi and that I prayed a lot for you last night and will every night....can't wait till we get pm.........Keep on doing your best
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 the bottom line here is we have both been faithful (at least I think he has) to our spouses for many years now but I have kept in contact with him and even seen him altho its been a couple years but they were friendly meetings and nothing happened but this has gone on almost the entire time since the beginning...Basically I have hid this friendship from my Dh for years now.. Need i say more??? how the heck are you still friends with the man you had an affair with and your still married to your husband. Your marriage will never be set the right way with your husband still in the dark but hey your not gonna listen to any logical advice your a female and your gonna follow your emotions like females do.
desertmoon Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 What a waste of a life. That's a loaded statement....would you care to elaborate? If it's a "waste of a life" what do you suggest is the best alternative?
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