I am really torn up inside...

[momto3]

I havent posted in this forum before but feel like I need to..I realize I will take a huge bashing from some but thats ok..really..I just need to talk I guess and dont know what is wrong with me...This is a long story as it spans a decade so please bear with me.

 

I got married and had my first child when I was pretty young. I have been married to my hubby almost 18 years now. Things were extremely bad the first half of our married years...he was verbally and physically abusive to me, had multiple addiction problems including drugs, drinking etc. I stayed bc at the time I was raising kids and had no real way out nor any family support to get out. I was so miserable with my life back then. Over a decade ago ..I met this man online. We connected immediately and became friendly...He lived very nearby and we found we had a lot in common...he was married also and miserable. To make a long story somewhat shorter we had an affair...it was like my escape from reality. He told me not to get emotionally attached to him but I guess being a woman and not a guy I feel thats easier said than done and I got VERY attached to my extreme detriment. I dont know how he really felt about me bc he was always keeping those kinds of things to himself. Fast forward, the affair lasted several months then he abruptly ended it and he also left his wife shortly thereafter...for some reason or other he didnt want to be with me and I was really devastated but I found out he had met someone else who had a lot less baggage than I did and I always felt the trapped situation I was in was what kept him from trying to make things work with me bc I think I would have tried hard to find a way out if it was possible back then to be with him...In the meantime I confessed the affair to my husband back then as he became very suspicious of me in hopes he would change his ways and we could work things out. he was furious, obviously but I think deep down he felt he bore a huge responsibility towards pushing me away by his despicable behavior. We managed to survive and move past it...

 

anyway me and the OM were together sexually once after he broke up with the woman he was with after he left his first wife..I guess that was 2 or so years after I had met him. I really did love him (or so I believed) and figured by me doing it with him again I would probably be rehurt after healing somewhat but I couldnt help myself...we have this fire between us that I never understood nor can explain nor I have ever felt with anyone else...I was right though..he met someone else with zero baggage around that time eventually married again and had a couple kids...he also has kids from his first marriage..anyway we would go for periods of time with no contact but that never seemed to work very well because he would always email me at some point to talk telling me he missed me and our friendship so did I and I would relent and the talking would continue...

 

the bottom line here is we have both been faithful (at least I think he has) to our spouses for many years now but I have kept in contact with him and even seen him altho its been a couple years but they were friendly meetings and nothing happened but this has gone on almost the entire time since the beginning...Basically I have hid this friendship from my Dh for years now..Rarely do we go for very long without talking online and honestly we are very very close now as friends in fact he is probably like my best friend now although the one nobody knows about and I am his which he has acknowledged and told me that he is so glad I am in his life even though it has to be this way...I had managed to move past his remarriage and new life and have been happy to have him as such a close (secret) friend in my life. However the conversations we have are sometimes very sexually themed and we have often spoken of being "together" again but we just havent done so...I guess for various reasons. My marriage has greatly improved, I have gotten myself sorted out and am not totally happy with my life but I am no less than content nowadays...This man however, is the only thing in my life that I cannot completely get past totally altho I am nowhere near what I was once emotionally. I have managed to be ok with his life and support him when he has marriage issues and vice versa. BUT.. We still want to F each other...I know this and I really dont know why???????...well we found out he has a business trip coming up in a few weeks and I will also be where he is at the same time and well we have already decided we will be "together" during this trip. I am honestly worried about it. I know it is wrong for both of us but its like this uncontrollable desire. I dont want to lose his friendship over this and know nothing will happen as a result as we both know we have to move on from this if it happens with our respective marriages. My question I guess is how does one move on from this?...He has been faithful for so long to his wife and the fact is this would be the second wife he cheated on with me. I often wonder why if he has no feelings for me (other than our close friend status) he would pick me to be with when he could seriously go find someone else with no history and no chance of ruining a close friendship?? I mean I can honestly say even though we are so close, I still do not know if his feelings for me run deeper than that?

 

Again I know this is VERY wrong and I dont want to hurt my husband who I know loves me very much. I do love him but I guess my weakness for this OM especially in the physical sense, coupled with the history of DH hurting me many years ago still haunts me years later. I guess your past always catches up with your future. I know this is just sex with the OM..or is it? I dont know what to do..Am I just kidding myself? is he? I cant get this all out of my head and wish I knew just why I feel like I want to do this so badly...thanks for listening and for any thoughts/advice

[lostsoulmate]

DON'T DO IT. Plan a getaway with your husband that weekend.

[whichwayisup]

You need to leave your husband and see if you can make it on your own ALONE with no man in your life.

 

Your husband FORGAVE you and has worked to fix the marriage..Things got better, yet you still kept the OM on the side.. That isn't fair and it ISN'T fair that you're using your husbands PAST behaviour to justify cheating on him. You will get caught eventually and sorry to say this, but be ready for the fallout as your husband may not want to give you another chance.

 

Get counselling for yourself and also do marriage counselling with your husband. End it with the OM too.

[momto3]

You need to leave your husband and see if you can make it on your own ALONE with no man in your life.

 

Your husband FORGAVE you and has worked to fix the marriage..Things got better, yet you still kept the OM on the side.. That isn't fair and it ISN'T fair that you're using your husbands PAST behaviour to justify cheating on him. You will get caught eventually and sorry to say this, but be ready for the fallout as your husband may not want to give you another chance.

 

Get counselling for yourself and also do marriage counselling with your husband. End it with the OM too.

 

I went to counselling by myself years ago and really it didnt help much if at all...I tried when I first had the initial affair to go to marriage counseling. My Dh and I went one time. He expected that he would tell the counselor all about my affair and I would be made to be the bad one but it did not go that way. When I told the counselor about his then addiction problems and his hitting me and whatnot the counselor was more on his case much moreso than mine and my husband refused to go back because he did not want to I guess accept blame for the destruction he had caused to our relationship. I know what I did was wrong. I do not think counseling will help me with this honestly or I would do it.

 

for the person who said I should leave him, I dont want to leave him. But I also cannot tell him about this OM either as he would not forgive me again (even for just talking to him) and I would not blame him really so I know what you are saying.

 

I guess one cant really understand a situation like this unless they are actually involved in it. I wish it wasnt so and I have tried many times to just go the no contact root but our friendship has progressed to the point now where I cant imagine him not being in my life...How do you just forget about someone who has been part of your life for over a decade...I dont know how to do that or I guess I would have done it by now!

[jwi71]

You won't quit your OM because, well its ten years and he's your best friend and lover and whatever else.

 

Except, you won't leave your H either. Now, based on your post I can't imagine why you WANT to stay M to your H (money?). Your life, your choice.

 

My question to you is: What are YOU here for? What EXACTLY do you need from us?

[momto3]

You won't quit your OM because, well its ten years and he's your best friend and lover and whatever else.

 

Except, you won't leave your H either. Now, based on your post I can't imagine why you WANT to stay M to your H (money?). Your life, your choice.

 

My question to you is: What are YOU here for? What EXACTLY do you need from us?

 

Nah it isnt money..I make as much as he does and could make it on my own nowadays if I had to. I stated above I do love my hubby but I guess not in the way that I should because if I did I guess I wouldnt need this person in my life. What do I need? Thats a good question and what I have been pondering for a while now. I guess I want to hear from people who have been in similar situations and been able to get totally passed it. Believe me I am not exactly happy with the mess I find myself in these days. I want things to be right in my marriage and I would love to cut off the OM but I am worried that would make me feel more depressed. You all act like this is something people do on purpose. People need to realize when you have feelings towards someone you cannot always control them. Thats what I guess I need to learn how to do that and cut it out...I might say the same for my OM tho bc he doesnt seem so willing to let go of me either. I guess if he would then the problem would be solved but I dont know he would just leave me be which honestly is the thing and the only thing I think that would make this whole thing right. and we havent done anything yet (if we actually did go thru with it that is) and he isnt my lover right now he is just my friend. If I decide not to do anything with him but just stay as things are, continue our friendship I mean is that so terrible if I remain faithful/?

[Reggie]

We all develop attactions/feelings. You are not unique in that regard. The difference between folks that cheat and those that do not is character and integrity.

You do not show love for your husband by abusing him this way. No way can you love him if you are willing to subject him to this most severe form of emotional abuse, as well as risk his life by potentially exposing him to STDs.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. You are emotionally abusive and need to get therapy for yourself.

[jwi71]

I want things to be right in my marriage and I would love to cut off the OM but I am worried that would make me feel more depressed.

You need go not further than that to understand why your M fails to improve.

 

How can you FULLY and WHOLLY commit yourself to your M when you are afraid of losing someone you NEVER HAD.

 

Perhaps it has escaped you - your MM divorced his W and married another woman (not YOU) - whom he also cheats on. Basically you are good enough to be the dirty little secret and NOTHING more. HE proved it by doing it. HE had the chance to be with you and instead CHEATED on YOU. Well, come to think of it, he married the woman he loves and didn't lose you after all.

 

You all act like this is something people do on purpose. People need to realize when you have feelings towards someone you cannot always control them.

Bullcrap.

 

Of course you cheated on purpose. It requires forethought, planning and some ingenious lies. You of all people should know that.

 

And what did YOU expect to happen when you CHOOSE this A?

 

And just who exactly is in control of YOU if YOU are NOT?

 

You have perfect control of your emotions. Unless you loved the OM this deeply and completely from day ONE, then you allowed it to happen. You allowed yourself to develop feelings. It felt good and you continued to let it fell good. Point is you CHOOSE to alow those feelings to develop.

 

And you choose it still. And until you decide to end it (another choice), then it continues.

 

Honestly, how can you expect ANYTHING to CHANGE if YOU do NOT CHANGE ANYTHING?

 

Thats what I guess I need to learn how to do that and cut it out...I might say the same for my OM tho bc he doesnt seem so willing to let go of me either. I guess if he would then the problem would be solved but I dont know he would just leave me be which honestly is the thing and the only thing I think that would make this whole thing right. and we havent done anything yet (if we actually did go thru with it that is) and he isnt my lover right now he is just my friend. If I decide not to do anything with him but just stay as things are, continue our friendship I mean is that so terrible if I remain faithful/?

Another shining example of why affairs can ONLY die with NC. The affair continues still with EVERY contact. Every call, every email every chat session continues the A.

 

Don't believe me...tell your H. Oh you can't? Then you are STILL cheating.

 

And you know it.

 

There is NO easy way out. There is no magic pill to make you forget. The only way is cold turkey NC. Period.

 

You block his numbers, you block his email, you delete it ALL.

 

Sucks? Yup.

Effective? Yup.

 

Go back to IC. What is it in YOU that cannot find this level of fulfillment in yourself and your M?

 

This is why we question your "love"for your H. The feelings one normally associates with a spouse YOU gave to another man. By CHOICE.

 

Explore yourself, why can't you be like that with your H? Look, if you don;t love him, tell him, divorce and move on. Or maybe another had it right (before dismissing him) - spend time alone. See what its like alone with NO man...

[Owl]

You don't want to be honest with your H about your ONGOING emotional affair (pending resuming the physical part again too)...but you ALSO don't want to leave/lose your husband.

 

Sorry friend...you're making mutually exclusive choices here...there isn't anything ANYONE can do for you until you stop trying to have it both ways.

 

You can have one or the other...your marriage, or your affair.

 

If you want both...there are other, more suited forums to help support cheating...this one is more aimed towards marital RECOVERY than it is in supporting infidelity...that's why it's in the marriage section here.

 

Decide who's more important in your life...and end your relationship with the other.

 

THEN post here looking for advice on how to maintain the relationship you keep.

[Dexter Morgan]

the bottom line here is we have both been faithful (at least I think he has) to our spouses for many years now

 

You mean AFTER you had sex with the OM??

 

 

 

but I have kept in contact with him and even seen him altho its been a couple years but they were friendly meetings and nothing happened

 

then you are still cheating. It is highly unacceptable for you to keep in contact with your sex buddy if you are still married.

 

If you feel the need to do this, then get a divorce.

 

 

but this has gone on almost the entire time since the beginning...Basically I have hid this friendship from my Dh for years now..Rarely do we go for very long without talking online and honestly we are very very close now as friends in fact he is probably like my best friend now although the one nobody knows about and I am his which he has acknowledged and told me that he is so glad I am in his life even though it has to be this way

 

Tell your husband you are still in contact with him. See if he thinks being "friends" with the OM is ok. My guess is he won't.

 

So what makes you think that its ok to hold your husband hostage while you are still disrespecting him behind his back?

 

 

 

...I had managed to move past his remarriage and new life and have been happy to have him as such a close (secret) friend in my life. However the conversations we have are sometimes very sexually themed and we have often spoken of being "together" again but we just havent done so...I guess for various reasons. My marriage has greatly improved

 

Oh sure, because your husband doesn't know you are disrespecting him behind his back. he doesn't know you have sexually themed conversations with a man you had sex with.

 

are you for friggin' real??

 

 

I have gotten myself sorted out and am not totally happy with my life but I am no less than content nowadays...This man however, is the only thing in my life that I cannot completely get past totally altho I am nowhere near what I was once emotionally. I have managed to be ok with his life and support him when he has marriage issues and vice versa. BUT.. We still want to F each other

 

Whether or not this OM is available to you, just divorce your husband if thats the way you feel about another man. I don't care what you think drove you to cheat and what justification you have.

 

GET A DIVORCE if you feel the need to boff another man. There are other men out there you can have sex with. Set your H free.

 

 

I know this and I really dont know why???????...well we found out he has a business trip coming up in a few weeks and I will also be where he is at the same time and well we have already decided we will be "together" during this trip.

 

Gee...how nice

 

 

I am honestly worried about it. I know it is wrong for both of us but its like this uncontrollable desire. I dont want to lose his friendship over this and know nothing will happen as a result as we both know we have to move on from this if it happens with our respective marriages. My question I guess is how does one move on from this?

 

By getting a divorce.

 

 

He has been faithful for so long to his wife and the fact is this would be the second wife he cheated on with me.

 

Ya, sounds like one helluva guy.

 

 

Again I know this is VERY wrong and I dont want to hurt my husband who I know loves me very much. I do love him

 

You love him but, in your own words, want to F another man. puhlllease.

 

Thats not love in any way, shape, or form.

 

 

 

I know this is just sex with the OM

 

Oh, is that all it is?? Ask your husband if he sees it the same way. maybe he'll look the other way when you want to sneak off with the other man thinking, "bah....its only sex...I can live with that".

 

 

 

I dont know what to do..Am I just kidding myself?

 

yes you are kidding yourself. you are trying to justify this that and the other.

 

-oh, its just sex

-my H was a dick to me, so he pushed me to this

 

You say your H is much better now and your M is great(although you are *****ting on your marriage by staying in contact with this other guy).

 

So either cut the OM from your life, or get a divorce.

[Dexter Morgan]

I went to counselling by myself years ago and really it didnt help much if at all...I tried when I first had the initial affair to go to marriage counseling. My Dh and I went one time. He expected that he would tell the counselor all about my affair and I would be made to be the bad one but it did not go that way. When I told the counselor about his then addiction problems and his hitting me and whatnot the counselor was more on his case much moreso than mine and my husband refused to go back because he did not want to I guess accept blame for the destruction he had caused to our relationship.

 

Maybe your H could accept blame for part of the destruction of the relationship....but then again, the counselor probably made it look as if he got his just desserts with you cheating and blamed him for your cheating.

 

 

for the person who said I should leave him, I dont want to leave him. But I also cannot tell him about this OM either as he would not forgive me again

 

Uh, well DUH!! He forgave you and you are STILL disrespecting him. There is nothing in you to forgive. you are undeserving of forgiveness..you have proven that by taking your H's forgiveness, taking his change in attitude and life, and spit in his face by continuing to hold on to the OM.

 

It comes as no surprise that you wouldn't do the right thing, which is either to leave, tell your H what is STILL going on, or drop the OM completely.

 

Anything less and you are simply taking a huge crap on your marriage.

 

So I guess your H will just have to go through life unknowingly married to an unfaithful woman and wasting what little time he has on this planet.

 

What a waste of a life.

[momto3]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and I do mean that sincerely as it has all made me think very hard about this whole situation and it is no doubt one hell of an unsatisfactory one. I am a lying cheating scumbag but I guess I always just thought me talking to him like we have always done was ok since it was no longer physical (YET) but I see now from what I read here that the emotional aspect is just as bad if not worse than the physical act.

 

someone above said he married the woman he loved and it wasnt me. Then it was said since I cheat I dont love my husband. I wonder how though this double standard exists? If a man cheats he still loves his spouse but if a woman does it she doesnt? can somebody explain this to me bc Im sorry that I just dont get..If its emotionless sex he wants he sure as **** doesnt need me for that..he can get that anywhere...no?

 

I do feel really badly right now and dont want to hurt my husband anymore he does deserve more than I have been able to give. I am going to talk to OM and tell him that this is off and I am going to have to just cut him out of my life. This has to end and should have ended many years ago. I need to choose and I choose my marriage. Thanks again everyone for your replies

[sw1911ct]

Dexter is spot on with everything...

 

You got a big break with your husband forgiving you for cheating once. Don't (continue) to throw that away. You owe him big time for that pardon. Stop talking to the other dude period. If you think it will be challenging to ignore his future emails then be blunt with him and explain that you want and need true NO contact.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

What more can I add to what has been said. It is true that your marriage is tainted and not as good as it could be bc of your relationship with this man. But we have the marriage we want. Did you ever think that your marriage is less then stellar bc you don't think you deserve a better one for your infidelity for all these years. You say you love your husband, but in truth he lives in the shadow of the other man where you put him. He is there when you don't look good. He is there when you're bitchy. I imagine he loves you. When you have sex with him, you imagine the other man. You give the other man your best. Always your best. The man who forgave you and stayed with you after you cheated on him gets what's leftover. How wonderful for him. He gets to be second choice in your life. You may not need him for his income, but you do need him for his love. But he doesn't deserve all your love. Does he?

[lkjh]

It's pretty simple......your a cake eater. You can't use your H's behavior from long ago as a reason to keep cheating and you are still cheating. I'm sorry but the OM did not love you, If he did he would have married you. He used you and found someone he wanted to be with. Now he is bored again so he is going after you. Just think about it. What kind of man seeks women out from the internet?

[ForumFool]

People cannot help how they FEEL I know I am not a saint and not gonna bash you or anything......You can feel all you want about the OM ...don't dwell on it....but please for your sake and your H's if you REALLY love him have zero contact with the OM ....JUST CALL no meeting..or send a post card and end ALL contact....good luck hon

[jwi71]

someone above said he married the woman he loved and it wasnt me.

 

I said that presumably because they planned a wedding, paid for it and walked down the aisle out of love for each other. I am supposing that he wasn't cheating on her with you at that time. Correct? Or has this love of your life been cheating on her during his engagement? If he WAS screwing you and engaged to her - then he didn't love her either.

 

And, uh, this is the "man" YOU want? Um, ok.

 

Then it was said since I cheat I dont love my husband.

Are you trying to say you cheat out of love and respect for your H and the institution of M?

 

I wonder how though this double standard exists?

No double standard though I can see how my post gave that appearance.

 

When you cheat, you are NOT loving your spouse or fiancee or who ever. I simply thought you had ended the A when he got engaged to his W. However, if you were still having an A with him...then he was cheating (and not loving) his fiancee.

 

Wow...whatta catch he is!

[momto3]

I said that presumably because they planned a wedding, paid for it and walked down the aisle out of love for each other. I am supposing that he wasn't cheating on her with you at that time. Correct? Or has this love of your life been cheating on her during his engagement? If he WAS screwing you and engaged to her - then he didn't love her either.

 

And, uh, this is the "man" YOU want? Um, ok.

 

Are you trying to say you cheat out of love and respect for your H and the institution of M?

 

No double standard though I can see how my post gave that appearance.

 

When you cheat, you are NOT loving your spouse or fiancee or who ever. I simply thought you had ended the A when he got engaged to his W. However, if you were still having an A with him...then he was cheating (and not loving) his fiancee.

 

Wow...whatta catch he is!

 

 

No we were not together while they were engaged. The last time I was with him was the beginning of their relationship and the physical part ended but only that part ended bc the rest has conitnued. I dont know what was going on with him and her back then but I do remember asking him before they moved in together if he loved her and he said no. I didnt pry any further but he settled for her that I do know but whether he loves her now I dont know. I assume he does if he married her. He couldnt have had me anyway, I was married so I guess he figured whats the point. I really have no clue at this point what has gone on its all like a big blur anymore in my head if anyone can really understand what Im saying....Regardless if he does or doesnt love is irrelevant and not my problem...its her problem and his problem... I decided the best way for me to just get on with it was to send him an email instead of talking to him bc then I will get sucked back in. So I have written the email and that will be the end of it...well until the reality sets in that I have to get past this but I know its the right thing to do now. its just hard thats all..thanks again...

[Dexter Morgan]

someone above said he married the woman he loved and it wasnt me. Then it was said since I cheat I dont love my husband. I wonder how though this double standard exists?

 

Don't worry about some double standard in an effort to argue your case for still wanting to screw around with another man.

 

I certainly wouldn't say this other sorry excuse for a man that you are so infatuated with does NOT love his wife. Otherwise he'd be faithful to her.

 

And yes, since you cheat on your husband, you do not love him...you only think you do to try to justify staying in the marriage and holding your husband, unknowingly, hostage.

 

So no double stanard from me. The OM doesn't love his wife any more than you love your husband.

 

 

I do feel really badly right now and dont want to hurt my husband anymore he does deserve more than I have been able to give. I am going to talk to OM and tell him that this is off and I am going to have to just cut him out of my life.

 

But the problem will STILL remain. Your husband will be married to a woman whose heart belongs to another man. That isn't fair to him.

Your husband will still be a hostage in this marriage.

 

 

This has to end and should have ended many years ago. I need to choose and I choose my marriage.

 

Ya, but you will still pine for this other man. So your choice isn't, in my opinion, the best thing for your husband.

[momto3]

Don't worry about some double standard in an effort to argue your case for still wanting to screw around with another man.

 

I certainly wouldn't say this other sorry excuse for a man that you are so infatuated with does NOT love his wife. Otherwise he'd be faithful to her.

 

And yes, since you cheat on your husband, you do not love him...you only think you do to try to justify staying in the marriage and holding your husband, unknowingly, hostage.

 

So no double stanard from me. The OM doesn't love his wife any more than you love your husband.

 

 

 

 

But the problem will STILL remain. Your husband will be married to a woman whose heart belongs to another man. That isn't fair to him.

Your husband will still be a hostage in this marriage.

 

 

 

 

Ya, but you will still pine for this other man. So your choice isn't, in my opinion, the best thing for your husband.

 

Well you see it that way but not everyone sees things through the same eyes. It is the best choice for him bc if I left him, it would devastate him to an extreme which I dont want to do to him. And for those who keep saying I dont love him thats just not true. I do but I have not loved him with my whole heart unfortunately bc it has been half given to him and half given to somebody else and its wrong and believe me I know it and I hate it. I can only try and correct things and thats all I can do...In time my feelings for this other person will subside I suspect as long as I keep my promise to myself to steer clear.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well you see it that way but not everyone sees things through the same eyes. It is the best choice for him bc if I left him, it would devastate him to an extreme which I dont want to do to him.

 

Only if he is mentally ill and is willing to accept life as a cuckold. If that is the case, then he has his own problems to deal with. As if having an unfaithful wife wasn't bad enough.

 

 

And for those who keep saying I dont love him thats just not true. I do but I have not loved him with my whole heart unfortunately bc it has been half given to him and half given to somebody else

 

love when half your heart(but i believe your whole heart) is given to someone else isn't love at all.

 

I tell you what. Tell your husband half your heart belongs to the other man and see if he thinks you love him.

[momto3]

Only if he is mentally ill and is willing to accept life as a cuckold. If that is the case, then he has his own problems to deal with. As if having an unfaithful wife wasn't bad enough.

 

 

 

 

love when half your heart(but i believe your whole heart) is given to someone else isn't love at all.

 

I tell you what. Tell your husband half your heart belongs to the other man and see if he thinks you love him.

 

 

No I wont tell him that. I have hurt him enough and he doesnt need to know that. sometimes what people dont know wont hurt them..so he will not ever know about this. I do appreciate your comments however and I take it you were cheated on as you seem awfully bitter towards me..but the one being cheated on isnt always so innocent so keep that in mind. If the one being cheated on fully provided what was needed in the relationship a lot of people wouldnt cheat...Go without emotional support for many years and be treated like a piece of garbage and tell me how much love you would have in your heart for someone if they did that to you over and over again. You too might have found yourself looking elsewhere at that point...Never say never Dexter My hubby has gotten over pretty much most of his problems but trust me he is no saint either..he still lies to me about certain things that he does but I dont hold grudges bc neither of us is perfect. we have both hurt each other and if this can be fixed then I guess it will be. I admit I am wrong and I cant do anything more than what I am now going to do..end of story I guess

[kaly6177]

No I wont tell him that. I have hurt him enough and he doesnt need to know that. sometimes what people dont know wont hurt them..so he will not ever know about this. I do appreciate your comments however and I take it you were cheated on as you seem awfully bitter towards me..but the one being cheated on isnt always so innocent so keep that in mind. If the one being cheated on fully provided what was needed in the relationship a lot of people wouldnt cheat...Go without emotional support for many years and be treated like a piece of garbage and tell me how much love you would have in your heart for someone if they did that to you over and over again. You too might have found yourself looking elsewhere at that point...Never say never Dexter My hubby has gotten over pretty much most of his problems but trust me he is no saint either..he still lies to me about certain things that he does but I dont hold grudges bc neither of us is perfect. we have both hurt each other and if this can be fixed then I guess it will be. I admit I am wrong and I cant do anything more than what I am now going to do..end of story I guess

 

 

Coming from someone who has done the cheating, I would like to tell you a few things that I have learned throughout this journey. “Sometimes what people don’t know won’t hurt them.” This isn’t true at all. Honesty, regardless of whether it hurts or not is always the best thing you can do for your husband. Not telling him what you feel is worse than sleeping with the other man. I am not saying sleeping with the other man isn’t going to hurt him, but the emotional connection you have with the other man is more devastating. So tell him the truth if you really love him, it is the best thing you can give and do for him.

 

Yes most of these people are probably the one’s that was cheated on, that is the reason they are saying these things to you. I would however, do pay attention to what they are saying because they have been in your husband’s shoes and they know the hurt that infidelity does to a person.

 

As for your remark about your husband not being innocent and had part in your affair, this may true and this may be the reason that you seek another man’s comfort, but please do think about this “Two wrongs does not make a right”. If the relationship is as bad as you say it is, then perhaps it is time to move on and stop all the hurt. It sounds to me like you are hurting a lot from the things that your husband has done to you, but that should not cloud your judgment and think that it is right to just keep moving along with your husband knowing that you are only giving half to your marriage and to your husband. You are not being fair both to yourself and your husband. Your husband may have done a lot of wrong things, and may still be doing the wrong things, but that doesn’t mean that you should continue the cycle.

 

You say you can’t do more than what you are going to do, that is not true at all. You say you love your husband, and I believe that you do. And the best thing you can do for him now is to tell him the truth. You are not giving your husband a choice about the marriage. He is as much a part of it as you are, and he has every right to make a choice whether he wants to stay in a marriage where he is only receiving half of you.

 

Just my thoughts.

[jwi71]

No I wont tell him that. I have hurt him enough and he doesnt need to know that. sometimes what people dont know wont hurt them..

 

I heartily disagree. What people don't know often hurt them. For instance, should you contract an STD and pass it on to your H - then his not knowing of your A has hurt him.

 

And yes, it has happened before.

 

but the one being cheated on isnt always so innocent so keep that in mind. If the one being cheated on fully provided what was needed in the relationship a lot of people wouldnt cheat

 

Though there is some truth to this, it is incorrect. A spouse may contribute to conditions which MAY lead to an A. However YOU choose the A. All marriages have problems momto3. All of them. How one handles those problems is up to the individual. Some seek counseling. Some work with their partner to overcome the issue. Yet others turn to alcohol, drugs or another man. Your marriage had problems and YOUR solution was to cheat. To try and lay the blame for your actions on another is childish, immature and avoiding YOUR own internal issues. You chose an A, not him.

 

...Go without emotional support for many years and be treated like a piece of garbage and tell me how much love you would have in your heart for someone if they did that to you over and over again. You too might have found yourself looking elsewhere at that point

 

And you stay with your H for what reason? One perfectly acceptable conclusion, giving YOUR side of the story, would be divorce. Why choose to remain married to such a man?

 

Per your own postings, he was abusive so you cheated. You "half-left" the M. Why not step completely out? Step completely out or step completely in...half-way, as you have lived - sucks.

 

...Never say never Dexter My hubby has gotten over pretty much most of his problems but trust me he is no saint either..he still lies to me about certain things that he does but I dont hold grudges bc neither of us is perfect

 

You do see the hypocrisy here I trust.

 

The difference is, as Dexter stated, he CHANGED and you CHOOSE NOT to change. So he worked and became a better yet still imperfect man. And you? How exactly have you progressed? You still lie and cheat DESPITE his improvements.

 

I admit I am wrong and I cant do anything more than what I am now going to do..end of story I guess

 

I actually think you can have more. A happy life - maybe even with your H.

 

I would ask you to return to IC. Find what is it in YOU that, when faced with this problem, cheated. This wasn't a one time screw up. It was a deliberate decades long A. That's a serious character flaw. One, with IC, you might resolve.

 

I know you SAY you love him. Then you retreat a bit and say you only love him with half of your heart. Well that's not fair to you or him. Don't you deserve a man with whom you can fully love? And he, in turn, be fully loved? And, given HIS changes in life, doesn't HE deserve a faithful woman who will love him with all her heart and vice-versa?

 

You must NEVER contact your OM again, for any reason. He's a liar and a cheater. He has proven this TWICE. He's no prize. I promise you if he treats other women like that, he will treat YOU like that.

 

The problem to your situation and its solution lie within.

[momto3]

I heartily disagree. What people don't know often hurt them. For instance, should you contract an STD and pass it on to your H - then his not knowing of your A has hurt him.

 

And yes, it has happened before.

 

 

 

Though there is some truth to this, it is incorrect. A spouse may contribute to conditions which MAY lead to an A. However YOU choose the A. All marriages have problems momto3. All of them. How one handles those problems is up to the individual. Some seek counseling. Some work with their partner to overcome the issue. Yet others turn to alcohol, drugs or another man. Your marriage had problems and YOUR solution was to cheat. To try and lay the blame for your actions on another is childish, immature and avoiding YOUR own internal issues. You chose an A, not him.

 

 

 

And you stay with your H for what reason? One perfectly acceptable conclusion, giving YOUR side of the story, would be divorce. Why choose to remain married to such a man?

 

Per your own postings, he was abusive so you cheated. You "half-left" the M. Why not step completely out? Step completely out or step completely in...half-way, as you have lived - sucks.

 

 

 

You do see the hypocrisy here I trust.

 

The difference is, as Dexter stated, he CHANGED and you CHOOSE NOT to change. So he worked and became a better yet still imperfect man. And you? How exactly have you progressed? You still lie and cheat DESPITE his improvements.

 

 

 

I actually think you can have more. A happy life - maybe even with your H.

 

I would ask you to return to IC. Find what is it in YOU that, when faced with this problem, cheated. This wasn't a one time screw up. It was a deliberate decades long A. That's a serious character flaw. One, with IC, you might resolve.

 

I know you SAY you love him. Then you retreat a bit and say you only love him with half of your heart. Well that's not fair to you or him. Don't you deserve a man with whom you can fully love? And he, in turn, be fully loved? And, given HIS changes in life, doesn't HE deserve a faithful woman who will love him with all her heart and vice-versa?

 

You must NEVER contact your OM again, for any reason. He's a liar and a cheater. He has proven this TWICE. He's no prize. I promise you if he treats other women like that, he will treat YOU like that.

 

The problem to your situation and its solution lie within.

 

 

I did not leave the marriage because at the time my kids were babies and I was home with them and I couldnt..I did want to leave back then it was all i thought about bc I was living in a virtual nightmare...and I made every attempt to but I had kids to look after and no source of income basically back then and had nobody to help me...meaning lots of people return to family for support. I had nobody,,,Thats why. And people say I dont love him but trust me from where we were years ago I have come a LONG way..I used to hate his guts for what he used to do to me and as crazy as it sounds he did not change until he found out I cheated on him. He even told me he knew he drove me to it. It woke him up to an extent and he started to realize what he had and could lose when I was able to get myself out. He stopped things but still drinks altho not like he used to. It still bothers me a lot when he does it and I have asked him many times to stop and he cant do it completely But I know I have an addiction just the same its just to this other person so I guess we both need to work on things still even after all these years but believe me we have come very far despite these problems...

 

oh and as for the STD thing people keep mentioning I dont have sex without condoms..period..no exceptions ever so thats a non issue