lakester Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 i don't suffer from retroactive jealousy, but my boyfriend does. i am not sure how to deal with this situation. i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. he feels the same way. we have discussed marriage and it seems to be in our future. one of the only things getting in our way is his/our? retroactive jealousy. i didn't know it was a real problem until he searched online and showed me some of the things he found. i feel so helpless and bewildered. i am a little irritated at his ex-girlfriends, but that's as far as my jealousy goes. i can understand the irrational and compulsive thought processes (i have an eating disorder so i see many parallels in the unwanted thoughts.) what can i do to help him? i already try to do the "obvious" things like not bring up my past very often and i try to make sure he knows how special and different he is to me (not just to appease this jealousy, but because he really IS so amazing and perfect for me). we have an on-going list of "firsts" so that he knows that even though he isn't my first sexual partner, he is... well, amazing and better than everyone and that i've felt/done a lot of things with him i had never done before. i understand feeling that it'll never get better and that it might be something you live with your whole life, but i am confident there are certain things i can do/not to to make things easier on him. i don't expect him to just "get over it." it actually quite bothers me when people say that. i know how pervasive, compulsive thoughts can be in your mind and how irritating it must be for people to say things along the lines of "well, that's stupid and i know you're smarter than that - just get over it! it's the past!" we are very open with each other and communicate well. i am very, very glad he has shared this concern with me. it breaks my heart to read posts about men who try to hide their feelings and depression from their wives and girlfriends. i do not feel guilty for my past but at the same time i do not want it back. i am glad i experienced the things i did and i am even happier that i've moved on an am now with my current boyfriend. is it okay that i don't feel guilty? i feel a little callous, but i truly don't believe it's my fault. i wasn't a whore and i didn't cheat on him. i have been with 3 other sexual partners (2 in relationships, one was a friend and it was a huge mistake). i am not ecstatic about my sexual past, but i am not ashamed of it either. he had not had any sexual experience before me, even though he is two years older. we are both open to therapy and have been before, though for different reasons. i don't want him to feel any pressure from me on needing to "get over it" soon. i am fully committed to this relationship and making it work. for those of you that experience RJ, what would be the best things for your girlfriend/wife/significant other to do?
Island Girl Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 You shouldn't bring up your past relationships at all. There is no reason to discuss them or reference them. It is never a good idea specifically for this reason. There are some questions that should not be asked and if asked should go without a definite answer. Certainly if you have a STD like Herpes II or AIDS you must disclose it. That should be your only reference to you sexual history. This man has NO prior sexual history so of course your history is a threat. He already feels as though you have some standard to measure him against whereas he has none. And keeping a list of "firsts" was a bad idea from the start. Looking at that list he can also be reminded of what WEREN'T firsts. That is disturbing. As far as dealing with it if you stop talking about it and only discuss your own relationship that will help. If he brings it up or asks questions then you need to tell him, "look _______, there are reasons I am no longer with the exes and I want to leave them where they are, in the past. You are my present and future and that is what I wish to focus on." Keep answering that to any question or comment he has about your past. If he gets angry about something and is being unreasonable, tell him, "You are allowing these people who I care nothing about to cause problems between us. Please focus on you and me - not others." You may sound like a broken record but that will serve as a reminder to him as to how often it comes up. And if you aren't bringing it up you can then point out when he says this that he is the one talking about it so if he stops the whole topic is dropped.
Strawberry Fields Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Your boyfriend sounds like mine. When my boyfriend and I first started dating he googled my e-mail, old screen names and accounts. He did discover some things he didn't like but what does he expect, he's the one digging for the past - am I right? Now, what was interesting about him was that he refused to mention our pasts. Even a story starting with, "One time, at this party..." or "One time, at my friend's house..." he would cringe and say, "I don't want to hear about it" since he was afraid that I'd mention an ex-flame or something. What intriged me was that he would state he didn't want to hear about my past, but then what was he googling my past accounts for? It just didn't match up to me. A few months into our relationship I decided I've had enough. I told him we had to talk about our past relationships and answer each other's jealous and curious questions about our past. However, this would be the ONLY time we'd talk about it and that we would never bring it up again. We did do this and it sucked for the both of us but we promised each other to never bring it up again. So far, nothing has come up again. This is really the only experience I've had dealing with my boyfriend's pasts but I think it worked out well. Good luck!
carhill Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 for those of you that experience RJ, what would be the best things for your girlfriend/wife/significant other to do? "Why do you want to know? Let's talk about that" FWIW, every woman I dated, including my wife, had more sexual experience than I did. I never concerned myself with their pasts (my wife had 2 exH's) but was happy to listen to any stories they might tell, as such gave me insight into their history and how they had grown from the experiences. I never saw the past as competition. Guess I don't have RJ If my wife had such concerns, the above is how I would have approached it (she didn't) Sounds like both of you are either young or waited to start sexual activity. Regardless, I think you can work through this. Assign it appropriate weight. Best wishes
sand26 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Why are you condoning this behavior? You think you are doing him a service by enabling this kind of disorder? You are not. Jealousy is not a compulsion, it is a control issue. Most men who are "jealous" are also possessive and abusive. If you had a friend who was a stalker you would not allow it, you would realize that if not curtailed this kind of behavior would evolve to rape and possibly kidnapping or murder. Jealousy is not cool!!!!! It is a serious problem!!!! He is violating your privacy and your personal rights!!!! You are allowing this guy to think this is acceptable!!!!!! IT IS NOT!!!! You should sit down your little virginic boyfriend and tell him that your past is part of who you are. He has not had the sexual past he would like so he is hating on yours to make himself feel bigger. Being a woman with a few partners is healthy and normal, being a virgin man is weird; he is trying to make it seem that the opposite is true. These type of whiny childlike men are all over the place these days and women should not have to be judged as whores by these men just because they do not feel sexually worthy of them. Stand up for yourself and women everywhere and tell him to see a therapist, maybe you should see one too since you seem to think being controled and abused (yes jealousy is abuse) is a normal part of relationships. good luck the mfk
Mahatma Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 You should give an example of his jealousy. I have felt jealousy before with my girlfriend, but it is just a feeling that rises and I let it go. To give you an example of this, my girlfriend was talking about how one of her boyfriends was really anal about his air conditioning vents in his car (I pursued the subject, she does not really talk about past relationships unless it gets mutually brought up) and I just envisioned her riding in the car with him and I felt some jealousy and just told myself how dumb it was and just let it go instantly I think jealousy like that is not harmful as long as you understand that is what you are feeling and that it is pointless to feel that way. If it is something that ruins your day, or even the moment, you then have an issue to deal with. If I saw my girlfriend flirting with some other guy, this would make me jealous. If something like that continued, I would end the relationship because of it. Jealousy is an issue that you really need to find out if it is even a problem, or he is just making it that way. Also look to yourself to figure out if you are fueling the jealousy. You can fuel jealousy by either purposely making him jealous, or by doing the exact opposite and letting him totally possess you. Jealousy is healthy as long as you can acknowledge it when it arises and rationalize it out and understand it is a feeling that means nothing except you really like who you are with
Ruby Slippers Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 These type of whiny childlike men are all over the place these days and women should not have to be judged as whores by these men just because they do not feel sexually worthy of them. Stand up for yourself and women everywhere and tell him to see a therapist... Agreed. The first boyfriend of mine I actually loved was a virgin, and he verbally tortured me over the fact that I had had sex with a previous boyfriend. The only reason I was susceptible to his abuse is that I was young and inexperienced -- I would never let that crap fly now. We keep in occasional touch these days, and he recently told me the way he treated me back then is one of his few regrets in life. He apologized, and said he was young, stupid, and possessive and wishes he could take it back. (He was 18 when we first got together -- he's 33 now.) In retrospect, I can see that his behavior fit in with a larger pattern of control and possessiveness. He didn't like me to spend time with anyone else, even my girlfriends! He was insanely jealous if I even spoke to another guy. He insisted that I throw away any pictures of me and previous boyfriends. Again, since I was young and stupid, I complied, and I really regret that today. ALL my pictures with high school boyfriends were destroyed, and those documented some fun times of me as a teenager. It's great that you don't feel guilty about your sexual history. Good for you. Don't let him push his immaturity and insecurity on you.
Author lakester Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 oh goodness, i think i should clarify a little. my boyfriend is in no way abusive towards me. he does not say things to belittle me or try to make me feel ashamed of my sexual history. he does nothing to control me. in fact, he hadn't even told me the extent of how this jealousy is torturing him until very recently. i completely believe that the only reason he even brought it up was that he was hurting very much from this. in fact, i'm GLAD he mentioned it so that i know (a little bit, anyway) what he's dealing with. he has not and would not ever call me a whore. he doesn't control what i do or who i see. we love each other and that's why i'm worried. have any of you read any other threads about retroactive jealousy? i read quite a few and it seems to fit with what my boyfriend is experiencing. it sounds to me like a mental (possibly chemical if you believe in all of that) issue. personally, i think that thought patterns are a combination of both biochemistry and practice. we discussed it today and we decided that therapy is a good option to explore for working on both aspects. i'm specifically looking for advice from men or women who do experience this type of jealousy and what their s.o. could do to make it easier for them. thank you for your concern, though.
sand26 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 This guy can't get over YOUR past? yawn what a boring problem, sounds like he needs a hobby If you don't see the signs of possessiveness yet, don't worry, you will. How long have you been with him,,,,after three years you start to see peoples true colors. You want to marry this guy who has only been intimate with you in his entire life????yawnyawn OKAY..........um, he should go date a few girls. And you should date someone who is not obsessed with your past, sounds like he has a real self esteem issue.... not good sweetie. good luck, keep us posted on the coming um.....incidents please. the mfk
You'reasian Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 i don't suffer from retroactive jealousy, but my boyfriend does. i am not sure how to deal with this situation. i love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. he feels the same way. we have discussed marriage and it seems to be in our future. one of the only things getting in our way is his/our? retroactive jealousy. i didn't know it was a real problem until he searched online and showed me some of the things he found. i feel so helpless and bewildered. i am a little irritated at his ex-girlfriends, but that's as far as my jealousy goes. i can understand the irrational and compulsive thought processes (i have an eating disorder so i see many parallels in the unwanted thoughts.) what can i do to help him? i already try to do the "obvious" things like not bring up my past very often and i try to make sure he knows how special and different he is to me (not just to appease this jealousy, but because he really IS so amazing and perfect for me). we have an on-going list of "firsts" so that he knows that even though he isn't my first sexual partner, he is... well, amazing and better than everyone and that i've felt/done a lot of things with him i had never done before. i understand feeling that it'll never get better and that it might be something you live with your whole life, but i am confident there are certain things i can do/not to to make things easier on him. i don't expect him to just "get over it." it actually quite bothers me when people say that. i know how pervasive, compulsive thoughts can be in your mind and how irritating it must be for people to say things along the lines of "well, that's stupid and i know you're smarter than that - just get over it! it's the past!" we are very open with each other and communicate well. i am very, very glad he has shared this concern with me. it breaks my heart to read posts about men who try to hide their feelings and depression from their wives and girlfriends. i do not feel guilty for my past but at the same time i do not want it back. i am glad i experienced the things i did and i am even happier that i've moved on an am now with my current boyfriend. is it okay that i don't feel guilty? i feel a little callous, but i truly don't believe it's my fault. i wasn't a whore and i didn't cheat on him. i have been with 3 other sexual partners (2 in relationships, one was a friend and it was a huge mistake). i am not ecstatic about my sexual past, but i am not ashamed of it either. he had not had any sexual experience before me, even though he is two years older. we are both open to therapy and have been before, though for different reasons. i don't want him to feel any pressure from me on needing to "get over it" soon. i am fully committed to this relationship and making it work. for those of you that experience RJ, what would be the best things for your girlfriend/wife/significant other to do? Are the two of you relatively young?
Author lakester Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 there's a 2 year age difference between us. he's 23 and i'm 21. we've been together a little more than a year. we slept together for the first time when i was 20 and he was 22. i lost my virginity at 17 in a high school ltr and have slept with two others (one in a relationship, one that was a friend/mistake). sure, why wouldn't i want to marry someone who has only been with me? i don't see any problem with that at all. he pleases me more than anyone else i've been with. personally, i don't see any problem with marrying/being with someone who has had many partners either. it just doesn't make a difference to me. he's had other girlfriends, he just chose not to be sexual with them. we actually went to the same high school (we didn't know each other as it was a large school) so i know some of his exes and there's never been a hint of any abuse or anything shady. you say he should date a few girls? well.. when? now? when we're dating? i've considered having a "break" so that he could have a few experiences if that's what he really needs to do, but it doesn't seem optimal. i realize this is an open forum and i am sending this out indiscriminately, but please, let's be nice. i appreciate concern for my own mental and physical well-being, but must we yawn and belittle people involved?
norajane Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 So how does his RJ manifest itself? And when? Is it triggered by something? Is it actually causing problems between you? What kind? There are plenty of people who get together with the woman having more sexual experience than the man, but all those guys don't get RJ. There is something inherent within him that is making this a problem. Bottom line, I don't think there is much YOU can do to help him. If he's to overcome his problem, he needs to do it. His problem is emotional, not logical, so you can't apply a logical solution. He either needs more life experience in order to be able to put this in context, or he needs therapy to uncover the emotional and psychological issues that cause this.
Author lakester Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 eta: i know he DOES have some self-esteem issues. heck, i know i definitely do. we're in our early 20s - i think that sometimes having a low self-esteem is pretty normal. again, neither one of us takes it out on/belittles the other. we each have our own issues (his jealousy, my ED) and he supports me with mine, so i would like to know what i can do to help him with his. we both have our own friends and our own hobbies. he's not boring - he plays music/is in a band, is an editor at a magazine, loves reading, is becoming interested in photography, has lots of friends, graduated from college last year, etc. my friends and family all love him. there are no real "incidents" other than an occasional conversation about it. he has triggers that set his mind off on these thought processes. it's "his" issue; we both realize this. i am just trying to support him so it doesn't become a bigger obstacle in the future. looking at it from the opposite direction, if he went to a board and said, "help, my girlfriend has an eating disorder and refuses to eat sometimes and sometimes she purges and other times she just can hardly leave the house because of how bad she feels about herself. i really want to support her and not trigger her, but i don't know what to do because this is so foreign to me - help!" i would not want the advice to be something like, "oh, another anorexic chick *yawn* she needs to get over herself and just eat an f-ing cheeseburger. stop wasting your time with her and find someone who can eat more than a salad and keep it down." talk about insensitive to the max, right?
moman Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 As a guy who has suffered with RJ twice, let me add my perspective. It's not a control issue. That is a separate issue, when a guy is so jealous that he cannot accept that a girl had a previous relationship. That doesn't sound like the case here. to OP, did you do or say anything to him that would give him reason to become upset? Did you compare him to a previous guy? (The only two times I had RJ was 1) a girl on B/C told me she didn't want to not use condoms becuse she had done that with every other boyfriend and wanted something new, and 2) my post about the girl who sold herself as a V but was not, an issue since rectified).......so as you can read, my two times were clearly a communication issue with the girlfriend. I also think your list of firsts is a good idea. That should give him something to focus on. He might also have a self-esteem issue. In his head, maybe he is comparing himself to your past lovers and feels inadequte. To me, it sounds like you are doing all the right things to alleviate his concerns. You don't have to apologize or be sorry for your past, because that doesn't change the fact that you did things that he didn't. Let us know how it goes. counseling sounds like a great idea here. EDIT: After reading your recent response, have you tried explaining to him just how awesome he is? Maybe prop up his ego a bit, but be genuine and sincere.
Author lakester Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 So how does his RJ manifest itself? And when? Is it triggered by something? Is it actually causing problems between you? What kind? There are plenty of people who get together with the woman having more sexual experience than the man, but all those guys don't get RJ. There is something inherent within him that is making this a problem. Bottom line, I don't think there is much YOU can do to help him. If he's to overcome his problem, he needs to do it. His problem is emotional, not logical, so you can't apply a logical solution. He either needs more life experience in order to be able to put this in context, or he needs therapy to uncover the emotional and psychological issues that cause this. yes, it can be triggered by different things. i rarely see manifestations - they are usually just mental for him. i suggest looking up other threads about RJ if you haven't already. the only problem that it causes is in his head. he has no spite towards me and doesn't resent me for it. i mean, yeah, of course not all men get RJ. i think you could say the same thing for almost any emotion (or more strongly, any mental disorder). having x,y, and z happen can make some people depressed while the same thing could happen to someone else and they'd be fine. there are lots of factors to why people react the way they do. i'm not condoning his thoughts but i'm not blaming him for them either. they're happening and i'm trying to figure out what i can do (if anything) to make it happen less. his problem ISN'T logical and we both know it. he knows this. we think therapy might be a good idea. he's seen someone in the past (okay, and please don't everyone jump on this and call him psychotic or anything) for social anxiety and it worked out very well. i'm assuming there are certain general triggers for men with RJ and i'd like to know what they are to avoid them. not talking about exes seems obvious, but i'm sure there are others that are less apparent. that's what i'm trying to figure out. he doesn't know what he wants me to do or how i can help, though we talk about it often. this is a relatively new problem for him, so i'm just looking for someone with more experience with RJ to offer some advice.
norajane Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 He's the only one who can tell you what his triggers are. And he's the only one who can tell you what to do or say to make him feel better.
sand26 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 looking at it from the opposite direction, if he went to a board and said, "help, my girlfriend has an eating disorder and refuses to eat sometimes and sometimes she purges and other times she just can hardly leave the house because of how bad she feels about herself. i really want to support her and not trigger her, but i don't know what to do because this is so foreign to me - help!" i would not want the advice to be something like, "oh, another anorexic chick *yawn* she needs to get over herself and just eat an f-ing cheeseburger. stop wasting your time with her and find someone who can eat more than a salad and keep it down." talk about insensitive to the max, right? No, logical to the max. If you came here saying your gf was anorexic I would say, "that girl is not healthy enough for a relationship." If he was an alcoholic in rehab.... guess what??!! They would tell him he had to be alone till he got healthy. Your boyfriend is not healthy enough yet!!!!! You are protecting him and defending him because you love him, which is admirable. But you are defending a disease. I am stating a blatant truth, you are young and you are in love so you are allowing yourself to be blind. Sorry if my yawns offended you, but it seems like every guy in the world can't handle his girls past and she must keep it from him like he is the first man ever. It's bull, and honestly, women should not put up with this. Hope you find what you want, seriously. good luck. the mfk
Ruby Slippers Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 It is sweet that you care enough to try to handle this the best way, but really, you've done everything you can and should do. The rest of it is on him to figure out. He's a grown-up. Anyone with any nagging insecurity can only really get to the root of it him/herself. You can be supportive and not behave in ways that bring it out, but you can't cure it. That's up to him. 1
Recommended Posts