DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 This is the position I didn't think I'd be in. My ex broke up with me November 4th and it was hell. (I still think about even my first ex. True love never truly dies.. so I still do think about my recent ex, whom this topic is about). But I managed to successfully convince myself that the girl that I loved (my recent ex), wasn't the girl I thought she was for all this time. So that's how I was able to move on. But out of the blue tonight, my ex text me and said she's been doing a lot've thinking these past few months and wants to hang out this weekend. I asked her if it was as friends or if she had intentions of slowly moving towards a relationship. She said as friends because she missed me. I declined respectfully stating it's too painful to just be friends. She got mad and said sorry she even bothered. I said please don't be like that, it's too painful to hang out as just friends... I said it would kill me to see her again and not kiss or hold eachother.. and then just leave after we hang out as friends. She then replied "Well I'm gonna be like that". So I said I wish her the best and I will keep her in my thoughts as a wonderful girl whom I do miss dearly. And that was it. Did I do the right thing? Assuming I would get back with her if she wanted to.
smile_through_tears Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Tom, ahhhhh!!! That is the freaking question i keep asking myself.... At least you were up-front with her and didnt ignore her... =/ Should I do the same with my ex??? I think you did the right thing, you were honest with her...My firends always say things such as "act liek you dont care, people always want what they cant have" but i highly doubt thats true.... I think you advised me to do the same right?? How are you feeling now after that convo??
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Well since you don't want to be friends and you do want to be with him, you should tell him the same if he keeps bothering you. OR just ignore him. I'd probably just ignore him, because guys are *******s. And how do I feel? I feel hurt and broken that I let her down by not giving in as friends. But I'd rather feel hurt and broken yet strong, than hurt and broken and weak by giving in and hurting myself just to make her happy. That's pathetic, and I can't let myself do that. Plus, it would kill me to see her as just friends then go along our merry way. It would rip back open the wound 10 fold. I wish I could make her happy. I wish she knew I'd take a bullet to protect her. I wish that meant enough to her that she'd appreciate what she had. I had many opportunities to cheat on her and never once did. Never lied, nothing. She must not know how unusual for a guy that is.
Goatsbreath Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Did I do the right thing? Assuming I would get back with her if she wanted to. No, assuming you want to get back with her. Bringing up the relationship again after months of NC was a mistake. Assuming you wanted her back you should of seen her but acted or made it appear at least that you moved on. That meeting her was not really such a big deal. Sure you want to get some coffee or something quick, say hi and then tell her you have to go help someone or something but it was nice catching up. You needed to stay indifferent. You became the same person she left. I'm not even saying its a good idea to take her back but if you were considering it then it cant be based on you asking, "so are you going to take me back." It has to be based on the same rules as before, you being fun to be around and her interest in you going up. You need to make her want to be around you. You should never be the one at this point that initiates a reconciliation of the relationship. Its her job if she so desires to come at you with every creative bone in her body to win you back. She owes you that and you owe her nothing. You can be a fine person to hang out with, great talking with, nice, and just about everything she desired about you but its her place to show you she made a mistake. Sure, doing these things puts you in a vulnerable position but that's the risk you are going to take if you are considering taking her back. See, it don't matter if she said yes I'm thinking about the relationship or not. If she did then 2 weeks down the road after hanging out with you she might say something different. If she didn't say that, again, 2 weeks down the road she might say it. Really, Its just a question of weather or not you can afford to give her that opportunity.
kiki30 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Okay asking the question whether or not you both were working towards getting back was too soon, but the way in which you described she communicated was pretty cold, mean, and nasty.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Well she stated friend. She could've said ANYTHING but she chose friends. Bah. It's not worth the risk of going and hanging out as friends and then her just wanting to stay friends. It'd put me in an even worse position.
Goatsbreath Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Okay asking the question whether or not you both were working towards getting back was too soon, but the way in which you described she communicated was pretty cold, mean, and nasty. I agree, what Tom said to her didn't warrant any of her responses. You are better off without her man.
Island Girl Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 No, assuming you want to get back with her. Bringing up the relationship again after months of NC was a mistake. Assuming you wanted her back you should of seen her but acted or made it appear at least that you moved on. That meeting her was not really such a big deal. Sure you want to get some coffee or something quick, say hi and then tell her you have to go help someone or something but it was nice catching up. You needed to stay indifferent. You became the same person she left. I'm not even saying its a good idea to take her back but if you were considering it then it cant be based on you asking, "so are you going to take me back." It has to be based on the same rules as before, you being fun to be around and her interest in you going up. You need to make her want to be around you. You should never be the one at this point that initiates a reconciliation of the relationship. Its her job if she so desires to come at you with every creative bone in her body to win you back. She owes you that and you owe her nothing. You can be a fine person to hang out with, great talking with, nice, and just about everything she desired about you but its her place to show you she made a mistake. Sure, doing these things puts you in a vulnerable position but that's the risk you are going to take if you are considering taking her back. See, it don't matter if she said yes I'm thinking about the relationship or not. If she did then 2 weeks down the road after hanging out with you she might say something different. If she didn't say that, again, 2 weeks down the road she might say it. Really, Its just a question of weather or not you can afford to give her that opportunity. All of the above is absolutely correct. Having been the dumper so many times - and going back to the lovelorn - because yes I did miss them or certain things about them - if they'd have held their ground a bit and still have seen me but not jumped right in it may have turned out differently. If they really wanted me back they would have acted like the guy I met who was strong, confident, and not blown away by me. Instead I met up with who I walked away from and then broke their hearts again...and sometimes again.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Thanks my brothers. I'm feelin a little better. I tend to fall more on logic than emotion. Which sucks, because I don't feel much emotion anymore because logic has become so strong. A real blessing but a REAL curse. I miss emotions
Knight_Ctrl Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 you definitly did do the right thing. Maybe she does miss you sure, and of course since you loved her you miss her too. I still miss my ex, but at the same time I know she is the worst person in the world for me right now. You know for a fact that if I went to go hang out with my ex, you'd google my name find out who I am/where I live and remove my testicles while I sleep. Expect the same brother.
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Don't worry Knight I won't let you down. Here are variables I didn't list earlier that may change what some of you think I should or shouldn't do. 1. This isn't the first time we spoke in months. She txts me every week or two. She's the one who continuously said she doesn't want a relationship with anyone for a long time, she prefers being independent. 2. She lives an hour away. Driving to hang out as friends = impracticable. 3. I have a new girlfriend of 1 month now. And I tell her everything. She looks better than my ex, but I only get to see her 1 day/night a week right now, so I miss my ex and the involvement we had. So it's tough. I dream about my ex and wish we could be back together, but you say I should act fake and be her friend for a chance of being back together? That's far more pathetic than being upfront.
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 3. I have a new girlfriend of 1 month now. And I tell her everything. ... I dream about my ex and wish we could be back together, but you say I should act fake ... That's far more pathetic than being upfront. Aren't you being fake with your new girlfriend, though? And how does the new girl react when you tell her everything about how you dream about your ex and wish you could be back together with her?
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 My gf knows that my ex and me didn't break up long ago. I told her everything, and she chose to be with me. I chose to be with HER because she was the first girl in the entire time since I met my ex, that I was interested in someone other than my ex. She has all the qualities I wish my ex did. And my current gf, when I tell her I dream about my ex, just says we'll get through it. I didn't think I'd get back with my ex until she contacted me recently, so this is something completely new. But I guess it won't matter now.
IcemanJB Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Ugh, nasty situation. It sounds like your current gf is a pretty awesome person though. Also props for being straight up and honest with your gf, in regards to your ex.
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I didn't think I'd get back with my ex until she contacted me recently, so this is something completely new. I get what you mean about this being a completely new experience (or 'set of thoughts', perhaps?) to have to sort through -- more how it relates to your current-day life than anything to do with the ex, I'm taking it. In any event, I do wish you the best with your self-reflections, and that you'll have positive outcomes. I agree with Iceman that your current sounds like an awesome person. My current also got together with me when I was rebounding. Well, I thought I was rebounding -- when does a 'rebound' stop being a rebound??? Kind of similar to your situation, though I never experienced what you are now -- never had thoughts/desires to go back, or to transfer my current's wonderful qualities onto my ex. Now that I'm thinking about it...I guess I just ended up appreciating my current for all HIS good qualities, and being happy that HE was/is in my life. In any event. Wishing you well in all endeavours.
mega19 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 So I am kind of in the same sitaution but a little different. I am currently with a new boyfriend of 3months..but things aren't good and I am not happy needless to say we will be breaking up soon. Also I dated my exboyfriend for 3 years and I know I am still in love with him but he is the one that broke up with me. So I forced myself to get over him and admit it was finally over...well in the last few weeks we have been talking alot sometimes all day. He admits that he messed up and that he wants to break up with his new girl so that we can start dating again. He says that he knows he really screwed up and that I am the one that made him happy. Part of me feels like he is really sincere and the other part of me doesn't trust him whether this is because we broke up and he just pushed me away so I am just weary of being hurt again or what I don't know. I told him that I still loved him but once we were both out of our other recent relationships we could take things really slow and see what happens. I am not sure if this is the right thing to do or not. We were once engaged but then broke it off because I decided we were too young. Unfortunately, I really feel like I belong with him we've tried dating other people, taken breaks and we always come back together. Is this something I should try again or is it just a waste of time?
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Tom I agree your new girlfriend sounds amazing. But you are being unfair to her. I know you say you hadn't thought you'd have the chance to get back with your ex till now. Which is obviously why you felt you could be with someone else, and that was good for you. But now you're back in a situation where the ex is in the picture again. You've had dreams about her. That's ok, or was ok, so long as there was no chance of getting back together. We can't control our dreams, and I'm sure your new g/f understands this. But it sounds like she doesn't know the score with what's happening now. And that's not fair. She sounds too good to lead her on any further. Whether you get back with your ex or not. Don't be that person for the new g/f. Cut her out now, for her good more than your own. You still clearly have feelings for your ex which you appear to be acting on, or waiting to see what happens. don't keep the new girl waiting too.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 With the "friends" business, I think you did exactly the right thing. Except for the "please don't be that way" bit. That was weak. (Sorry to be blunt, man.) She broke up with you, and it sounds like it wasn't because you did anything bad -- you just weren't doing it for her anymore. She wants to be friends because of dumpers' guilt. You don't owe her an apology for not wanting to be friends and hang out with her. Intellectually, she knows this. She also knows that you're no doubt still hurting and that seeing you would cause you even more pain. But her desire to rid herself of some guilt is overriding that knowledge. Put simply, she's being selfish. If you're not ready to be her friend, stand your ground. If she doesn't like it, it's not your problem. It's hers. Now, about your present GF... if you see the possibility of a future with her, stop bringing up your ex. Especially the stuff about you dreaming about her at night. Yes, your GF knew from the start what she was getting into with you, but the longer you keep talking about your ex, the more likely your relationship with GF will always have the "shadow of the ex" hanging over it. She'll feel that, and it'll be rotten for her. And it will make your relationship with her harder.
melissa123 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Hey Tom yay your still here! Im in a hurry to go somewhere right now so I will wirte something decent later, just wanted to say hi!! Mell
Author DSM-IV Tom Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 I have read every one of your replies and all have helped individually. It's nice to see there are people out there who truly just wish the best for others, without expecting anything in return. (Ronni). Hello melissa I look forward to talking later. Now, here's the situation. You all say if I wanted to be with my ex again, I should start by hanging out as friends. But I told her I wouldn't do it, and I haven't spoken to her since. So I am choosing my new gf over my ex, right?
EbEvoVIII Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Well since you don't want to be friends and you do want to be with him, you should tell him the same if he keeps bothering you. OR just ignore him. I'd probably just ignore him, because guys are *******s. And how do I feel? I feel hurt and broken that I let her down by not giving in as friends. But I'd rather feel hurt and broken yet strong, than hurt and broken and weak by giving in and hurting myself just to make her happy. That's pathetic, and I can't let myself do that. Plus, it would kill me to see her as just friends then go along our merry way. It would rip back open the wound 10 fold. I wish I could make her happy. I wish she knew I'd take a bullet to protect her. I wish that meant enough to her that she'd appreciate what she had. I had many opportunities to cheat on her and never once did. Never lied, nothing. She must not know how unusual for a guy that is. This is the EXACT same way I feel about the girl who stole my heart....
smile_through_tears Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 People in this forum CONFUSE the hell out of me sometimes...no offense everyone.. So let me get this straight...after all this time I have heard of NC being preached no matter what the situation...Now Im hearing we should reply to them and actually hang out with them because "friendship might lead to getting back the relationship?" And island girl your post confused me too, no offense...but what do you mean you might have taken them back if they acted as if they didnt want you anymore?? Are you sure you would have? what were the reasons for breaking up in the first place?? And Tom, sorry to steal your post..I'm not even sure what to say, I think you did the right thing..From what I hear most people who try to be friends with an ex, it doesnt work out how they planned and they just drag the pain longer... greattttt...thanks everyone, now im wondering if im blowing up any chance i might have with my ex by ignoring him in such a way.....lol.....ahhhh!!!
reservoirdog1 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I wish I could make her happy. I wish she knew I'd take a bullet to protect her. I wish that meant enough to her that she'd appreciate what she had. I had many opportunities to cheat on her and never once did. Never lied, nothing. She must not know how unusual for a guy that is. I sympathize, man. I felt exactly the same way five years ago when XW ended the marriage. Nice guys do finish last sometimes. Take this as sappy if you will, but oddly enough, I took comfort in those early days by reminding myself that XW would never find anybody who loved her as much as I did. I still believe that to be true. (But, note the use of the word "did".)
Goatsbreath Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I dream about my ex and wish we could be back together, but you say I should act fake and be her friend for a chance of being back together? That's far more pathetic than being upfront. Nobody says you should act fake and be her friend but I bet being her friend comes more natural to you then being nothing. See, being nothing is really more fake then assimilating to a friendship. We go NC and pretend not care, we pretend to be moving on, we use expressions like "you have to fake it until you make it." Thats why NC is so difficult, because you really are faking it. You don't need to be fake to be her friend, it just hurts and I bet it hurts now. Probably nobody here thinks its a good idea for you to get back with her but when you ask about the chance of being back together, what gives you the opportunity? You cutting her out of your life and making conditional statements and soon falling back on words you were having when she left. No, its about becoming the same person she fell for. Again, its not about faking anything, its just an approach. You don't ever need to claim the title "friend" but she will give it to you if you force her hand to quick. When you met her you met her on the assumption that this might go somewhere, it might not. You didn't lay down the accord and say were trying at bf and gf here right. You risked rejection then, you risk it now. but....I think you should just let it go and focus on the new girl
Goatsbreath Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 People in this forum CONFUSE the hell out of me sometimes...no offense everyone.. So let me get this straight...after all this time I have heard of NC being preached no matter what the situation...Now Im hearing we should reply to them and actually hang out with them because "friendship might lead to getting back the relationship?" And island girl your post confused me too, no offense...but what do you mean you might have taken them back if they acted as if they didnt want you anymore?? Are you sure you would have? what were the reasons for breaking up in the first place?? And Tom, sorry to steal your post..I'm not even sure what to say, I think you did the right thing..From what I hear most people who try to be friends with an ex, it doesnt work out how they planned and they just drag the pain longer... greattttt...thanks everyone, now im wondering if im blowing up any chance i might have with my ex by ignoring him in such a way.....lol.....ahhhh!!! smile I think we are just talking about if the ex came back around and started expressing interest after a period of NC. In toms case she came and said something to the line of Ive been thinking the last couple months and would like to hang out. This is a good sign but not a spot to sign documents stating your a friend or a boyfriend. Thats all. Ofcourse the details of the break are important. If they cheated on you and theres alot of ugly details then I dont think its worth it.
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