Els Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 This question is asked largely out of curiousity, as I'm not married, won't be anytime soon, and don't have any married friends whom I can ask. Do people usually share an account after they get married? Or still maintain individual ones? How is expenditure handled? What about if one person is earning significantly less than the other, or is staying at home for the children etc? My parents share a bank account, they don't even have separate accounts. Something tells me that this may not be the best way or that many others don't do this, though.
sb129 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 They wake up at 5am and worry that they are spending more than they are earning! At least, I did this morning. Its not all bad news, we moved house this month and its been very very expensive, we have just not saved as much money as we had planned, as alot of it has gone back into the house. We have also found out we are having a baby, so that puts a new perspective on things. My H and I have had joint finances since we moved in together. Since we got married we just do the same thing. We have a budget, and we track incoming/outgoings every month. I am the worrier, but since we have had this system in place we have achieved all of our financial goals. We also have a set amount each month that we are each allowed to spend on whatever we like. Although that is going to be the first budget cut we make now that there is a baby on the way, as I will be giving up work and its going to be tough for a while.
signedin2008 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 My parents share a bank account, they don't even have separate accounts. Something tells me that this may not be the best way or that many others don't do this, though. Why is this not the best way? If you're seperating everything, such as "this table is mine" and "that's MY TV," why even bother getting married. Marriage means combining everything, physical, spiritual, and more. If one can't even share tangible stuff, one is not ready for that commitment and shouldn't get married.
Author Els Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Thanks for you guys' input so far. I didn't say it wasn't the best way. I would not know if it was or not... that's why I'm asking for other people's experiences.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 When H and I were first together we shared all accounts. Bad idea. There was no way to keep track of expenses since we were each using debit and check cards for those accounts and not writing anything down. Then, we split up and so then did our expenses. He got his own accounts, and I kept the old ones. He and I kept meticulous track of our own accounts - I guess we both learned our lesson! Then, I moved back in a few years later and we decided to keep separate accounts. He did put my name on his and got me a check card so that I could transfer in money, put his checks in, etc when he is out of town. We have separated again, but are still living together (very amicably, I might add). My accounts cover loan payment and savings. His covers household expenses. We are better able to keep track of things, and when the time comes for me to move on again it won't be as difficult as splitting things the first time around. He does not spend shared money on his girlfriend, and I do not spend shared money on my friends. We have our own moneys for that.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 We hold our bank accounts together. In our situation it works out perfectly. She is more budget and bill paying minded. I am more earn it and spend it minded. We balance each other out, and have done pretty well so far. I do have some MDK (momma don't know) money. But that comes from my hobby raising snakes.
Author Els Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 How about what happens if one person is earning a lot less than the other, or is a homemaker? Would the breadwinner tend to dictate the expenses more, or are they still shared as normal? What about the homemaker's more personal expenditures (money for parents etc)? These questions were brought about by the remarks of a female friend who has decided not to get married to her long-term bf until she has risen to a career position in which she can afford to pay off all of her loans and have her own financial security, even though the man is rich and committed. Her reasons, however, weren't about dignity and personal ambition, but rather: she believes that to have equal say in a marriage, one must bring equal food to the table. I'm just wondering how applicable this is. If a woman ever stays home because of the kids, would that lead to her losing her financial independence? Would her choices be dictated by the decisions of her husband? In a twisted, mercenary way, that does make sense, I suppose.. 'Honey, I know you're the one bringing in all the money, but I've decided to give 10k to the starving children in Africa' would probably cause more problems in their relationship as opposed to 'Honey, I've decided to spend my next few paychecks on the starving children in Africa.' Edit: Yes, I know that there are cases in which the woman earns more -- the roles would be reversed in that case. Just generalizing for convenience.
quankanne Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 we've got separate bank accounts, though the one that has both our names on it is primarily for my use – he's able to deposit money in there as needed, and it works out well for the most part. he covers mortgage payments, utilities and taxes; I cover car and house insurance. He's got the bigger portion because he pulls in a larger monthly income than i do. We take turns with groceries and eating out; we have our separate funds for vacation/spending money so the other person isn't having to foot those things. ideally, equal say and equal funds are the goal, but the reality is that your income is going to change over the years: In our case, there were times when I was the sole breadwinner, and at other times, he was pulling in more than I was. I think the way to do it is to agree to cover certain expenses out of individual sources of funds, but also agree to jointly pay for things that will be enjoyed together, like vacation, a new big-*ss TV, a motor home, etc. I think your friend might be shortchanging herself and her guy if she's going to insist on staying single until she can bring the "fair share" to the table. My guess is that her guy isn't looking at it that way, but rather, seeing it as "this is what I can provide for my wife" ...
Author Els Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 If she were to marry him now, though, he would need to pay back all her study loans before she can be freed from her bond to go live with him. Just like personal spending money, that's something of hers, not joint, that he would be paying for. Would that affect the financial dynamics of their relationship? Quakanne: In your experiences of times when one of you was sole breadwinner, how about the other person's 'personal expenses' such as vacations/spending money?
Touche Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Quakanne: In your experiences of times when one of you was sole breadwinner, how about the other person's 'personal expenses' such as vacations/spending money? What does that mean? I didn't understand that? As for my H and I..joint accounts. It always has been....when I was bringing in an income and also now that I'm working for my H's practice and not bringing in an income per se. My part of the decision-making when it comes to finances, hasn't changed at all. It's the same. We agree on all vacation expenditures. Other large expenses are talked about first. And we either agree to put them off or go ahead. My personal expenses (clothes and such) I just buy as I see fit. As does he. We don't check in on each other for those kinds of purchases. But we're both really consersative with money and 99% of the time on the same page so we've never had an issue there. We both hate debt and don't believe in carrying credit card debt of any kind. So if we can't pay it off right away, we don't buy it.
Author Els Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Quankanne said 'we have our separate funds for vacation/spending money so the other person isn't having to foot those things.', thus I'm asking how they manage those expenditures when one person can't foot his/her own.
Touche Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Quankanne said 'we have our separate funds for vacation/spending money so the other person isn't having to foot those things.', thus I'm asking how they manage those expenditures when one person can't foot his/her own. Oh ok, got it. It's just that we don't ever take separate vacations so that threw me.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Funny you should bring that up Elswyth. Today it has been reported, that there are more women employed in the USA then men. This is a first. I think you will find that employment will become an even more important issue for women now. If you don't cook and clean, and wash the babies, what good are you. You think you're going to sit around all day, drink beer and play *bweep* *bweep* with the video games? Not likely. I guess I just see a further breakdown in the family.
sb129 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I still have student loans. I pay them out of my gross income as part of my tax bill, and we budget with my net income. Its not 100% fair, but I earn more, so that evens it out. Being on the same page financially is really important- it was one thing we sued to fight about until we started budgeting and watching our spending. Its quite a personal thing, but our expenses are joint- so we pay them jointly. If one of us wants something personal that costs over say, $50, we discuss it first. When the baby comes we will both be making financial sacrifices.
signedin2008 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 My parents share a bank account, they don't even have separate accounts. Something tells me that this may not be the best way or that many others don't do this, though. How are things working out between your parents? Do you think things would be okay if say your dad is having his seperate account and your mom couldn't have access to it and your dad spend all the money he wants from his account on a new motor cycle or a vacation with the boys?
quankanne Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 hunka, I don't see there being a problem with breakdown in family if the one who isn't employed is open to taking care of things back at the ranch while the other partner is out in the business world: It's a trade-off, pure and simple. I didn't expect my husband to come home from his on-the-road job and take care of those practical matters that I easily could have done. Now that he's retired, there are certain things I expect to be cared for (yard/outdoor/house stuff) since he's the one at home. elswyth, I honestly can't remember vacations, though I'm thinking that if either one of us had to be with family, we pulled the money together ... I do know that I'd give him money for his smokes and lottery tickets, basically cash just to have. And he's always been great about doing that for me, esp. if I'm running down to visit friends or family and he's got a bit of "mad money" to share. The only time that it ever became a fighting issue was when he was taking blank checks from my purse and writing out huge amounts, pissing it away at the bars and not bothering to tell me that he was taking them. and I think it was at that point we got separate accounts, because of all the problems this was causing.
Trialbyfire Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Separate finances all the way for me. We never once fought about money during our marriage, not even a little disagreement. Actually, if anything, it was a fun thing for us. We're were both in the investment industry so as a game, we used to have little competitions about who's portfolios would exceed the other. His style was more aggressive, a greater risk taker. Mine, more conservative, with a little calculated risk on the side, as well as all out gamble on a much smaller percentage. Most often, at the end of the year, it would be almost a push, although I always did slightly better. This will hold true in any future marriage. Don't knock it until you've experienced it.
Touche Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 As know one should knock joint accounts unless they've tried it. What works for one couple would never work for another. My husband taught me though that this issue about separate/joint money and accounts has nothing whatsoever to do with money. It's a state of mind. It's a philosophy and a mind-set regarding a partnership. It's something I can't even explain. It's something you either get or you don't. He explained it to me in a way that I got and still do.
Trialbyfire Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 You can relate just about anything, to anything and make it work. It doesn't make it right or right for...everyone. To each their own. Money is just that, it's money, not children, family, friends or pets. It's a means to an end, something to play with and live off of. There are things to share and other things that you maintain as separate. For me, it's underwear, toothbrushes, tampons, cosmetics and money.
Author Els Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Signed: Even if things weren't working out between my parents, I wouldn't know. They're the uber-religious kind that would never divorce even if the other person turned out to be a money-sucking, abusive leech anyway. Sb: Thanks for your info. In my friend's case though (I assume that's why you mentioned the student loans?), she can't leave the country until she's paid the entire loan off. That's why she can't just pay it as she works if she wants to marry her bf. Glad to see so many people relating their experiences. If anyone could shed some light on the questions I asked about inequal income, though, I'd be very grateful! I agree with Quankanne -- I don't think it really matters if it's the woman or the man staying at home to take care of stuff. Who says the man can't clean, cook, and wash babies as well? In fact, I know a few men who are very suited to such things and would love to do so rather than go out into the rat-race... but society judges them too harshly, especially where I live. Thus, they go out and slog half-heartedly at some job, while their wife, who IS career-minded and would rise very fast in her career, is held back because she cannot put in the time that she would have been able to had the husband been able to stay at home with the baby...
Touche Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 If anyone could shed some light on the questions I asked about inequal income, though, I'd be very grateful! Uhm...I did. I mentioned that we used to be a two-income family and now we're not. I also mentioned that we've always combined incomes. For us, money isn't like sharing toothbrushes or tampons or cosmetics (WTF?) It means a WHOLE lot more. But yeah, that's just us. And it's worked for us for 14 years.
sb129 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Sb: Thanks for your info. In my friend's case though (I assume that's why you mentioned the student loans?), she can't leave the country until she's paid the entire loan off. That's why she can't just pay it as she works if she wants to marry her bf... Really? That sounds a bit strange, what if she had to travel for her job or something? I left my country for 7 years and six weeks after I got back for good the IRS gave me a little "loan reminder" phone call.... I had been paying from overseas too, and they had records of that.
Author Els Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 Hmmm... Touche, yes you did, actually. I think I didn't word my questions well enough though, now that I re-read them, they seem to beat around the bush. I think the crux of what I wanted to know, though, is: 1. Was there any difference in the dynamics of the relationship between when one partner was earning, and both? As in, you'd decide together on the big stuff if both are earning, but if one person was earning he/she seemed to play a bigger part in the decision? Or perhaps if both are earning, both spend on personal stuff however they like, but if only one is, then he/she would be more conservative about spending 'together' money on personal stuff? 2. Most of the answers revolve around mutual consent and agreement -- and I agree that this is the cornerstone of any relationship, not just in financial matters either. But what happens when disagreements occur? Again, would there be a difference (as per my Africa example)? Sb: Well, it's not really a loan, more of a scholarship. But the scholarship binds you to work 10 years for the govt after you graduate. If you don't want to do that then you'll have to pay back the entire sum of money that they spent on you before you can leave the country, as they're afraid of defaulters.
sb129 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 OK, that makes more sense. As to questions 1 & 2. 1. I was earning for six months while my H wasn't, and I think because I controlled the finances I probably did make more of the decisions regarding the money. And while he wasn't earning, my H was alot more conservative about personal spending than I was. 2. Africa example?
Author Els Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 If a woman ever stays home because of the kids, would that lead to her losing her financial independence? Would her choices be dictated by the decisions of her husband? In a twisted, mercenary way, that does make sense, I suppose.. 'Honey, I know you're the one bringing in all the money, but I've decided to give 10k to the starving children in Africa' would probably cause more problems in their relationship as opposed to 'Honey, I've decided to spend my next few paychecks on the starving children in Africa.' I meant this.
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