confused_2008 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 What are people's experiences with dating after college? I know a lot of people find their future spouse in college, but at the same time there are a lot of hookups and casual flings that don't amount to much. I'm just really struggling with the notion that meeting people gets so much harder after college and I've missed out. I'm going to be graduating in a couple months and most likely heading home to a small city that is basically my home town. I feel like I'm regressing and the growth I went through in college is going to be lost somewhat as I catch back up with high school friends that never went to college and are working around home. I do not think I'm better than them at all, but I'm not the same person I was in high school and they just aren't really on the same track I want to be in life. Like I was talking to one of my buddies on the phone and it seems like his only standard is whether or not the girls he shacks up with are 'clean.' He's always been a great friend to me, but we just have such a different view on stuff now. This is probably more of a rant than anything else, but I've gotten so accustomed to people with higher goals in life it feels like my surroundings are going to hold me back. How can I put my mind at ease about dating prospects in this area?
MissDee Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 In my opinion, college HELPS when it comes to dating and finding people, but I do not think that college is or should be a primary source for finding relationships. I'm now a Junior in college and throughout my entire college experience I haven't found one person from my college to be in a relationship with. My boyfriend is graduating from college in May as well and none of his previous girl friends were girls he met from his college. Whether you're in or out of college already I think that there are plenty of different opportunities to find your future boyfriend/girlfriend. Particular hobbies you're interested in, your job, social functions or even family friends could spark potential relationships. Just keep your mind open really, don't feel ashamed or nervous that you're graduating college soon and you're still not in a relationship. Establish yourself and your career first, then everything else will fall in place.
FleshNBones Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Whether you're in or out of college already I think that there are plenty of different opportunities to find your future boyfriend/girlfriend. Particular hobbies you're interested in, your job, social functions or even family friends could spark potential relationships. Just keep your mind open really, don't feel ashamed or nervous that you're graduating college soon and you're still not in a relationship. Establish yourself and your career first, then everything else will fall in place.That hasn't been my experience. I graduated years ago, and I have a career. I haven't had a single real date. Outside of college, successful women of a similar age are almost completely unapproachable. The old high school rules return. The exception being deeply disturbed, and seriously overweight women AKA the ones you don't want. Outside of college, your best chance is to work through their friends and family. You can spot them at the supermarket every now and then. They usually buy junk food.
Author confused_2008 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 That hasn't been my experience. I graduated years ago, and I have a career. I haven't had a single real date. Outside of college, successful women of a similar age are almost completely unapproachable. The old high school rules return. The exception being deeply disturbed, and seriously overweight women AKA the ones you don't want. Outside of college, your best chance is to work through their friends and family. You can spot them at the supermarket every now and then. They usually buy junk food. Well, that's depressing. What are you doing outside of work that you haven't been able to meet anybody?
Brady_to_Moss Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I agree with seeing so many people meeting their spouse in college. This is sometimes why i feel the need to find someone in the next 2 years. I am shy and if college isnt the place to find someone..i might have a very hard time.
Author confused_2008 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I agree with seeing so many people meeting their spouse in college. This is sometimes why i feel the need to find someone in the next 2 years. I am shy and if college isnt the place to find someone..i might have a very hard time. I am shy myself, but my senior year I've finally changed my mindset and am actually looking for signs girls are interested in me and flirting more. It took a girl that finally tried to draw me out of my shell to bring about this change in me. That 'relationship' with her ultimately failed because I still had some work to do on myself, but now that I'm actually in a better place, college is pretty much over for me. You still have time, Brady, so just starting looking for signs and flirting. Believe me, there's girls that are into shy people, you just have to find them.
peteyj Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 THere is a reason why online dating is a multi-million dollar a year business model. It's not that after college you don't meet anybody, it's that most of the time you don't meet many people you are actually interested in. Yeah you can join clubs and groups, but half the time those groups consist of married people, people not looking for anything, or a lot of the same sex. Of course you can join a group where you think there are going to be a lot of single women, but if you hate the topic, it'll eventually become obvious or you'll get so bored you won't ever go back if you don't get a number. In your twenties, you go to bars, clubs, etc. There are still plenty of options in meeting women. But as you get older, your friends get married, their friends get married, or people start to have a lot of emotional baggage. Some people get angry or bitter, others become work-aholics. If you are afraid of speaking to random strangers, then it becomes really hard to meet people in your 30's and later. I guess that's when you use the internet sites. Especially if you're not an executive who makes tons of money. Hanging with friends isn't the same if they are married with kids or divorced with kids and see their kids on weekends. As far as book stores, grocery stores, etc...it's a nice theory but I've yet to meet anybody that I actually would date at those places. And i have no problem walking up to random strangers, starting a conversation, and maybe even getting their numbers. The sad truth for me at this point is, if I want to get a lot of numbers and potential dates, I most likely wind up hanging out at bars, clubs, and so on. I try to steer clear of the 20 something crowd as I'm not in my twenties anymore, but half the time the people I meet at these places, aren't really people I'd want to date. And if you live in a small town where half your friends married their friends sisters, it's going to be even harder to meet people you really want to meet.
fral945 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 You will most likely become frustrated with dating when you move back home. I grew up in a small town, went to college, and now live in another small town, where I've been living for about 5 years. I didn't date much in college, but I can say my experience dating after hasn't been good. In small towns finding mid 20/early 30 something singles without children or that have never been married or carrying baggage is extremely rare. I've tried online dating for a while and I have found I generally match up best with women who live in the big city about an hour away. The problem is most don't want to establish a relationship with someone who lives an hour or more away from them. My recommendation is to find a job in at least a decent sized city or suburb. Most young 20 and 30 somethings who are educated and still single tend to congregate to bigger cities. Even if you don't live right in the city, you will still most likely have access to and contact with women with a similar background (i.e., college education). I have found here that the few college educated folks I have met in my small town settled here because: a) they were from here and had strong ties (minority) b) they were already married or had a relationship established (majority)
kashmir Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I can't imagine finding my future spouse here. People aren't grown up enough in college. Some of them never will mature. They'll think they're in college forever. Others won't finally mature until years after they graduate. Hearing that things are nearly impossible after college aren't too comforting, because it's nearly impossible in college.
peteyj Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I can't imagine finding my future spouse here. People aren't grown up enough in college. Some of them never will mature. They'll think they're in college forever. Others won't finally mature until years after they graduate. Hearing that things are nearly impossible after college aren't too comforting, because it's nearly impossible in college. It's not that it's impossible after college it's just that normally you have more dating options in college. When you start your career, a lot of companies frown upon dating co-workers. Yes it happens all the time but half the time the people pretend like they aren't dating or they are all secretive about it just so nobody knows. Not exactly a great way to start a relationship by pretending you're not in one. And in college most people share soo many common interests. It's new. You're young. You're going to get educated. You're looking to party. You're looking for a future. You're looking to meet people. People share common interests, goals, ideals, etc. They argue over things. That rarely exists as you get older and if you work in a field where there just aren't that many young singles, it's going to be hard to meet anybody. Meeting people as you get older gets harder because it's nearly impossible to have as many options as you did when you were in college. Most people you'd meet are 18-24. Whereas when you get older and work, you might be in a dept where everybody is 40+ and you're 25. Their kids aren't old enough for you to meet and they probably have friends and family a lot older than you. Earlier in my career I worked at a place where 95 percent of my co-workers were 40+ years old. I was only 24. The only 2 people close to my age were in their 30's with a couple of kids. I was not going to meet anybody through any of them that's for sure. And as you get older it's all about networking. If you're 25 and most of you're co-workers are 24-34 then you might meet people. You might never date any of them but maybe they have friends who have friends and so on. That's the easiest way. But if you live in a small town where half the people have kids by 20 and half the people never go to college, you are going to be disappointed.
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Make yourself a large social circle that you can keep after college and you'll be fine. Most of the responses here appear to be apportioning the blame to circumstance rather than personal responsibility. It may be a little trickier but that doesn't mean it's anywhere near as impossible as some are suggesting.
peteyj Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It has nothing to do with social circles. If you move 3000 miles away for a job, some of your other buddies move away for jobs, you might keep in touch but you are rarely going to date somebody that lives that far away. It has nothing to do with personal responsibility. It's just reality. If you go to a college with 30,000 people where the majority of the people are around the same age....you are going to meet tons of people. You aren't going to do that after college. The numbers just aren't on your side. If you live in a big city and make some friends around your same age, then you will have the opportunity to meet people. Meet people going out, meet people through friends and so on. But if you live in a small town with 1000 people, the odds are half of them are already married with 2 kids by the time they are 25 years old. Not exactly the type of people a young professional would really want to meet and date. My parents and brother live in an area like the OP describes. Half the people marry their friends sisters and half quit high school. For a 22-25 year old kid who just graduated college, these kinds of towns are the worst places to look for somebody. You are on a different level than they are and in all honesty they will probably bring you down.
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It has nothing to do with social circles. If you move 3000 miles away for a job, some of your other buddies move away for jobs, you might keep in touch but you are rarely going to date somebody that lives that far away. Sorry, that's your experience, I have friends all over the place that I can go out with and fall into another social circle of similar people. I also have certain hobbies to help me meet people on my wavelength. Hence I can end up going out and meeting women of the right type. It has nothing to do with personal responsibility. It's just reality. If you go to a college with 30,000 people where the majority of the people are around the same age....you are going to meet tons of people. Not reality, it's easier to meet people in college, it's easy enough to meet people outside of college if you've got the skills for it. You aren't going to do that after college. The numbers just aren't on your side. If you live in a big city and make some friends around your same age, then you will have the opportunity to meet people. Meet people going out, meet people through friends and so on. But if you live in a small town with 1000 people, the odds are half of them are already married with 2 kids by the time they are 25 years old. Not exactly the type of people a young professional would really want to meet and date. My parents and brother live in an area like the OP describes. Half the people marry their friends sisters and half quit high school. For a 22-25 year old kid who just graduated college, these kinds of towns are the worst places to look for somebody. You are on a different level than they are and in all honesty they will probably bring you down.Quit whining and figure out how to sort it out.
kashmir Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It's not that it's impossible after college it's just that normally you have more dating options in college. When you start your career, a lot of companies frown upon dating co-workers. Yes it happens all the time but half the time the people pretend like they aren't dating or they are all secretive about it just so nobody knows. Not exactly a great way to start a relationship by pretending you're not in one. And in college most people share soo many common interests. It's new. You're young. You're going to get educated. You're looking to party. You're looking for a future. You're looking to meet people. People share common interests, goals, ideals, etc. They argue over things. That rarely exists as you get older and if you work in a field where there just aren't that many young singles, it's going to be hard to meet anybody. Meeting people as you get older gets harder because it's nearly impossible to have as many options as you did when you were in college. Most people you'd meet are 18-24. Whereas when you get older and work, you might be in a dept where everybody is 40+ and you're 25. Their kids aren't old enough for you to meet and they probably have friends and family a lot older than you. Earlier in my career I worked at a place where 95 percent of my co-workers were 40+ years old. I was only 24. The only 2 people close to my age were in their 30's with a couple of kids. I was not going to meet anybody through any of them that's for sure. And as you get older it's all about networking. If you're 25 and most of you're co-workers are 24-34 then you might meet people. You might never date any of them but maybe they have friends who have friends and so on. That's the easiest way. But if you live in a small town where half the people have kids by 20 and half the people never go to college, you are going to be disappointed. I don't expect to be working in a conventional office-like workplace. Granted, I doubt there will be many women in my field in the first place, as there aren't many here at school! I do plan to live out in San Francisco and go to grad school there, though, so that should help my chances at meeting women.
Author confused_2008 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 I can't imagine finding my future spouse here. People aren't grown up enough in college. Some of them never will mature. They'll think they're in college forever. Others won't finally mature until years after they graduate. Hearing that things are nearly impossible after college aren't too comforting, because it's nearly impossible in college. Yeah, there are those people everywhere, though Kashmir. I consider myself more settled than a lot of my friends back home that haven't gone to college. I think for the portion that never want to stop partying, there are just as many that are ready to be done with that stage in their life when they leave college. I talked to a few people last week that said they're getting sick of getting drunk all the time. They said they're getting too old for this stuff. I know a lot of girls in school that are long term material. The problem is they're in relationships...mature adult relationships. They definitely happen, but I personally wasn't able to find that and just get down on myself about it. I also go to a tech university that's like 4 male to 1 female for the ratio, so go figure. If there's any high school boys on here, STAY THE H*** AWAY FROM SCHOOLS LIKE THAT. It only hurts you in the long run, guys.
peteyj Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 The cool internet guy who has all the skills. It's easy to meet people anywhere. The reality is most of the people you meet aren't the people you want to actually date. Unless of course you don't have much going for you. The OP probably isn't going to want to date most of the girls he meets in a small town. So his odds are move to a bigger city with more professionals or most likely be stuck dating a bunch of girls who he doesn't really like.
zenith Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I'm sure you will find someone that is right for you you never know... just relax
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 It's easy to meet people anywhere. The reality is most of the people you meet aren't the people you want to actually date. Yes it is. But that's as true in college as every where else. It's pretty simple, either you make an effort to get out and meet like minded people or you don't. Now, it is easier to do that at college, but unless you put yourself in a situation where you live in a backwater town with a population of 50 and come home to play your playstation every night then it's really not so difficult. And it really doesn't take that much skill. In fact, it's pretty normal.
zenith Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Yes it is. But that's as true in college as every where else. It's pretty simple, either you make an effort to get out and meet like minded people or you don't. Now, it is easier to do that at college, but unless you put yourself in a situation where you live in a backwater town with a population of 50 and come home to play your playstation every night then it's really not so difficult. And it really doesn't take that much skill. In fact, it's pretty normal. This... QFT
Author confused_2008 Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 I was talking this over with a buddy of mine and he said to look at it like I will be more of a catch around that area than if I was surrounded by a bunch of other college guys. I guess that's true to some extent and at least offers a more positive viewpoint.
FleshNBones Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 It's pretty simple, either you make an effort to get out and meet like minded people or you don't. Now, it is easier to do that at college, but unless you put yourself in a situation where you live in a backwater town with a population of 50 and come home to play your playstation every night then it's really not so difficult. And it really doesn't take that much skill. In fact, it's pretty normal.There are no like minded people. I would need to take up heavy drinking, chain smoking, and hard partying to meet people. I don't have the stomach for greasy food either. I am not a looker or a charmer. Honest and hardworking only seems to attract the much older overweight high school dropout with kids variety. They just want a sucker to put their kids through college, and cover their expenses. Education doesn't mean anything unless you are making top $. There has got to be something to take if the relationship tanks. I guess the real challenge is finding a good woman who won't drag you down with her.
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