DayDreamer75 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Is a marriage or partnership healthy if it is not sexually satisfying to both partners and if 95% of house chores are on a single partner's shoulders if everything else is going fine? I mean, what if you have respect, sweetness, fun together, share a lot of interests and have great dialogues together but the above 2 are missing, would you consider yourself in a healthy relationship and be happy?
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Unbalanced. Resentment springs from long-term unbalance. Resentment kills love and ends marriages/LTR's. A healthy relationship is one where communication and caring kill/prevent resentment and foster teamwork. Tell me, how much effective communication has gone on? If I was doing 95% of the housework and wasn't sexually satisfied and wasn't talking about it or taking action, I'd only have to look in the mirror to see who was to blame Yes, I was that person, though 95% would be a stretch. I give my wife more credit than that.
Author DayDreamer75 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 carhill, thanks so much for your feedback. I've talked so much about these two subjects and argued so much in the past that there's not much more I can do. He does not understand the importance of these. So, I've got only 2 choices: either accept these or go. I cannot go on indefinitely talking about these things. What would you do? How important are these 2 if everything else is fine?
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 They'd be deal-breakers for me. I'd suggest MC and, if no joy, bail. Life's too short, IMO I read an old posting of yours: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t141931/ This is what our MC would call disparate perspectives and energy levels. For such a marriage/LTR to be healthy, both people would have to bend substantially. I've lived this. IMO, I would never have a LTR with a low energy person again. Life is literally too short. I feel like I've wasted decades of potential idling along. Does that make sense?
Author DayDreamer75 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 yes it does... but it's said because on a lot of levels he's such an interesting person. I've never had dialogues I am having with him with anyone else and I truly admire him for his way of thinking on many things. When I say that he just does not do anything around the house I mean it. But when he notices that I start getting upset about this, then he starts helping out. In many ways, the relationship has become so much better. I feel like we started dating a short time back because he's always sweet and huggy and we go out a lot and have a lot of fun. So, I do understand what you think and sometimes i think about this seriously too. But I just can't figure out what's more important: what I am not getting from him or what I am getting from him in order to understand whether to stay or go. He has lots of qualities: he's honest, very intelligent, sweet, sincere and loyal, he's there for me when I have my bad moments and he listens to me a lot. But sometimes it just feels like we have become very profound friends... because he does not seem to be very interested in sex . I've never had such a person in my life before, everybody finds me very attractive and I know that I am very good looking. Yet, I've almost always had this issue with him. Initially I was awed. This is what I always wanted. someone who'd appreciate who I was inside without focusing too much on my looks. He was this type of person. He looked inside me. He still does. He tries to understand everything I am thinking, dreaming, desiring... But the physical part is somewhat missing. I say somewhat because it's not totally gone. It's just not as much as I'd love to. We make love about 2-3 times a month and when we do it's good. But I miss passion... definitely... I don't have anyone to blame for this because he was never passionate in this sense... So, it's a big dilemma for me . Thanks anyway for your advice and a sincere desire to help.
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Have you had PMC? You've been dealing with this on LS for about a year now. I'll give my instinct.... He's "thinking" love rather than "feeling" love. I see the signals. It might be you (meaning he really doesn't love you in that elemental way) or he's just incapable of an elemental emotional/spiritual connection with someone else. I've seen both sides of this. You might find my journals interesting I wish you well!
Author DayDreamer75 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I do think he loves me. I think the feeling of love cannot be similar across different people. You might be right that he might not love me the way I am used to feeling loved. But I believe in his feelings. There are too many signs in his behaviour for me to know that he loves me. I've read that it happens a lot that people give love in the ways which are different from the ways that people want to receive love. This is often a fundamental difference between people. But no matter how our feelings may be discordant, I cannot say that he does not love me. Otherwise, I would have really left long ago.
Author DayDreamer75 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 But now that you're saying this... it makes me wonder. I just don't know. He's always been a very intellectual and profound person. We connect in very deep spiritual way and at a physical level he's very hugging, kissing and affectionate. He holds my hands wherever we go and searches me out when we are at large receptions in order to give me hugs and kisses. He'd rather be with me than go out with anyone else... He loves being around me. So, I think he does love at many levels... except, maybe, as you're saying, he's not capable of deep physical connection or he's just plain tired... who knows?
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 For a man who processes life intellectually and spends most of his time using the intellectual part of his mind, it is sometimes difficult to turn that off and process things and act at a more basic, instinctual level. I call it "turning the brain off". My experience is singular, but, for me, the connection must be elemental for me to easily and effortlessly turn my brain off and feel that basic lust and desire. It was when I truly began to understand my wife's emotional distance (beyond words and actions) that it became increasingly difficult to switch into lust mode. Again, not her responsibility, but an indicator of the relationship dynamic. Your H may in fact just be tired. As a smart man, he knows how to organize his time and prioritize his energy and attention. It sounds like you get plenty of his attention, just not sexually. If I'm hearing this right, what does he share when you directly question him about the disparity in your sexual appetites? Have you ever considered that he is a non-romantic soulmate but neither of you realized it when you got married? If you read my journals, you'll read about someone with whom I've had such a relationship with. I spent about six hours with her a few days ago. We're totally into each other, but I just don't imagine her naked or being passionately sexual with her. I wish I could accurately describe the distinction. Very affectionate but not sexual. I'm sure we could be (obviously if both of us were single), but I get this sensation that there's not enough distance to be properly sexual. That sounds weird, I know, but it's the best way I can describe what I feel. Maybe you'll get better advice from others
Heroic Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 You can teach an old dog new tricks. We have been married for 9 years and we are still discovering new things about our sexuality. You can reach new levels if your both interested in doing that. I tend to be in my head a lot as well and sometime it takes a bit to wake up the animal in me. You may have to take the lead on that though. Send him a text message that simply says. "Tonight just play along, please. I want to have some special fun" When he gets home rock his world. Wear a maid costume, meet him at the door naked, serve him dinner and slide under the table, break out of your normal routine. This should spark a nice conversation afterward. Have a few books on hand with some ideas that you like in them. Then let him know, 1. Hey I want YOU more often. 2. I want to break up the routine, I want romanitc and I want crazy hot monkey love too. What do you want to do?
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Hey, and whatever you do, don't roll over and go to sleep after you get yours. Thanks
Touche Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Excellent post, Heroic! Loved it. DayDreamer, you have to make sure that your resentments aren't misplaced. Do you really think you contribute way more to the marriage? In all ways? If that's the case then it's NOT a healthy marriage. It's time to sit down with your husband and talk this out. I also highly recommend Dr. Phil McGraw's book "Relationship Rescue." Read it. And if you can get your H involved too you might be able to turn this around. Don't settle for less.
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