just friends problem

[blueintheface]

if the guy is acting like he tells you he is then obviously it's not "friendship" because friends don't bitch each other out. i would never let a pal bitch me out. good news is she's probably made herself to be really pathetic in his eyes so less worry about a EA on his side of the fence .... That is if he has ttold the truth to you. (sorry but i don't understand why someone would come back unless they get thrown crumbs).

 

You're gonna wear yourself out the way you're going so i would say leave it because your wife isn't going to miraculously see the light anytime soon. Just concentrate on your kids. Nothing to save. Nothing to destroy.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why on earth would you think that OM is being truthful with you? As the mantra goes...

 

"lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny"

 

They have it made, pretty much. They get to have the affair for as long as they want, because they both have you convinced that it is 'just friends'.

 

As long as she and OM are in contact on ANY level whatsoever, she has not chosen you or your marriage. She has chosen him, and simply holds on the marriage because she can.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Here is the answer. Tell you friend to get a restraining order against your wife. Simple.

[Owl]

Exactly...I heard the exact same words from OM in my wife's EA as well.

 

"I can't stop her, I don't control her."

 

Bullpucky. If he were your friend...he could EASILY put an end to this simply by telling her not to come over anymore, by refusing to allow her into his house, by refusing to take her calls, etc...

 

What he's really telling you is that he doesn't care enough about YOU to take these actions...he's as "involved" as she is.

 

So...your wife needs to suffer a consequence of continuing down this path.

 

Set a boundary for her.

 

Tell her that it doesn't matter if she calls it a friendship, an affair, or an ice cream cone...it's destroying your marriage.

 

It doesn't matter if what's between them is "just friends" or not...what matters is what it's doing to YOU, and to YOUR MARRIAGE.

 

And THAT is why it ends...today. It HAS to...or else your marriage won't survive. And she needs to hear that, point blank. If her "friendship" is more important to her than her marriage, or more important to her than YOU are...then it's a clear indication that it's NOT just a friendship...or whatever it is, it's well beyond what it SHOULD be, and it's either got to end...or your marriage will.

 

I know it's tough...I had to do the exact same thing to save my marriage. No, there's no garauntees here that she will end it...odds are, she'll fight this for quite sometime...until NC has long since been established and she finally starts to get out of her addiction to OM.

 

Do this...take the steps you need to.

 

Stop tolerating the intolerable.

 

Realize one more thing...women generally cannot be in love with a man that they don't respect to some degree. She can't respect you if you take no actions to fight for your marriage. Ergo...just sitting there letting her do this because you're afraid you'll lose her is the most likely way TO end up losing her. Taking the risk...fighting for the marriage...is more likely to give you a chance to succeed than not.

 

It's up to you, friend. But realize that the advice you're getting on this site is coming from people who have mostly been in your shoes...or hers....or his, for that matter.

[jwi71]

greenbuilt,

 

Apologies. I somehow missed you got the "I love you but not in love with you" part.

And responses by DM and hunkahunka - I feel like a dolt.

 

That is the battle cry of cheaters. Period. So, your W is having an A - EA, possibly a PA - probably is to be honest.

 

You have a decision. Stay or go. Sounds like you want to save the M.

 

Warning: Its a long and painful fight.

 

She continues this because her OM lets her and she WANTS it. She must end contact with him. And the solution is simple.

 

CONSEQUENCES.

 

There are consequences to her actions and she hasn't faced any to date. With no REAL consequences she continues the A - and why wouldn't she...she hasn't paid a price for it.

 

Here is what I would do:

1) Send your kids to a relatives.

2) Print any and all evidence you have (emails, text messages, etc)

3) Pack her bags.

4) When she comes home, she finds you, her bags and the evidence calmly waiting for her.

5) DEMAND NC. She gives up her cell, coughs up her email passwords ad chat info. Right then and right there. She refuses, send her out he door. She will go ballistic as usual. She will twist and manipulate and everything else. Because it works. She tells you its just friends and you back down. Not working for you obviously but its great for her. So END it. No longer will that work for HER. So, she ends it or she's out the door. Stand your ground anything less continues the A and makes you a doormat.

2) DEMAND MC. She goes with you or she is OUT. Again, she will twist and manipulate and obfuscate and turn this on you. Do NOT let that happen. Be honest, be open...tell her how this friendship affects you, hurts you and YOU NEED it to end. Again, she goes to MC or she's out. Period.

 

She WILL call you on this. I promise. She will because you rolled over every time in the past. Time to stand up for YOU.

 

If she refuses, show her the door. If she makes a big stink about leaving, call 911. Let the cops determine who should leave. With her bags packed...my money is they ask her to leave.

 

Time to make it REAL for her.

 

I know its hard. I know it seems drastic but desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

And lest you think I have NOT been there. Wrong. My W was cheating. Know what I did when I found out? I kicked her out that night because she made every excuse and spewed every lie. End it or leave. She left. Oh that hurt.

 

The next day, I had her in a divorce lawyers office hammering out details of the divorce. I presented her with the terms, stunned, she signed. THAT made it real for her. I did NOT file those at the court - but she knew it was a phone call away. Would I have divorced her had SHE not BEGGED to stay. YES.

Would I divorce her if she slipped. YES.

 

I lost my car, my house, tons of cash and possibly even my job. It affected our two kids, both under 5.

 

It was suddenly REAL.

 

She quit her job, cancelled her cell phone, and is to this day not allowed to use the internet unless I am HOME. We go to MC and IC. She verifies where she is going and with whom and when she will be home.

 

What I gained...my M. My W. A small price to pay. It sounds simple...it isn't. Hardest thing I ever did - doing still.

 

You CAN have it all back. But you have to FIGHT.

[seibert253]

You have simple choices here, it's not hard:

1. You can continue to have no backbone and let your wife continue down this road which will end with her sleeping with your "friend", (if she already hasn't). (Trust me it will come to that eventually)

2. You tell her if she wishes to remain married to you, she ceases all contact with this "gentleman", and agrees to counseling. If she doesn't agree, out the door she goes.

 

Dude, you just need to grow a pair and stand up for yourself. What kind of example to your kids is a doormate of a father. They'll grow up just like you, letting people walk all over them.

[Untouchable_Fire]

i have given her the me or him choice and she says she has chosen me. no sex no foul right? this is where it gets bad. i am overreacting about her friendship. she said she didnt tell me early on because she was afraid i would react poorly. she went to her friends is order to process the feelings and to work thru them. months later i found out......

 

She said she loved him!! ?? No foul WTF?

 

C'mon. Where is your head on this?

 

Let me make this clear to you.

 

She continues contact with him = SHE DOESNT LOVE YOU!

She ends contact and works on marriage = SHE LOVES YOU!

 

This isn't about you controlling her friends or her life! This is about whether she loves you or not! Clearly right now she doesnt. So man up and tell you that!