greenbuilt Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 my wife of 18plus years had an ea with a friend of mine a couple of years ago. it was one sided, basically a huge crush. his ego was stroked and he played her like any one of his girlfriends. he is 10 years our jr. and single playing the field forever. i was blindsided and got the just friends story. time passes and i discover more truths including secret gifts and expressions of love from my wife. whenever i have confronted her with these facts it is always just friends and or partial or complete lies. she is conflicted with her actions and feelings. her contact with him has greatly reduced but she refuses to go nc because they are just friends. my problem is that any contact sends me down the road again. the contact is somewhat regular and she seeks it out. there has been no pa and the other guy is not returning her calls or contact in any way. wife is nice enough to me but my mood crashes and i am a poor husband as a result. is it simply my issue now as i am jealus of her friends? i feel as if i will be the one to make the marrage bad as it is my poor behavior affecting the marrage. if she would stop i could stop but we are stuck. the only way i can feel better is to detach and ignore her. it sucks. what to do??
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 She knows that this is causing you pain. It is destroying your intimacy, and your love. If she chooses to continue, tell her that you can't. She needs to decide if an imaginary relationship with your younger friend is more desirable then a real one with you. If you have tried marital counseling over this and it continues, its better to separate then become emotionally detached. An affair is an affair even if its a one sided obsession. If you do pull away. It must be complete no contact between you and your wife until she chooses. JMHO
Author greenbuilt Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 i am pulling away but nc with wife is difficult due to kids etc. i have never been the jealus type till now and especially with this person. she was a raging jealus freak our entire marrage untill her friendship with this guy. i guess she tought me this behavior. i have never strayed or even had friends of the opposite sex due to fear of her reaction. it is truly killing out marrage even tho the contact is minor. it feels alot like my problem now. i have already got the love you/not in love with you speach. it just seems like such a waste to chuck it all, but this is not working.
imagine Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 If she had an EA she must forever block access to this man. In the early stage you can block him by demanding a divorce. It is better to identify with the needs that OM supplies and out do him in these. Read the articles (free) in marriagebuilders.com. Call soon.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Your kids will understand. And actually help the situation. I am not talking about putting them in the middle. But letting them know why you can't accept the situation. You have to bring her to crisis or you will stop loving her and end up divorced any way. Is she a stay at home mom? If so, you control the purse strings. Tell her since you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with your money. Close joint bank accounts and credit cards. You open your own. Have her open one. you pay the bills. and give her an allowance. If she has given you the ILYBNILWY speech, you have to leave her. Or better yet if you are the bread winner, kick her ass out. Go meet people. Find new friends, male and female. You cannot be mr. Needy with her. You have to be confident and happy and not put up with her crap. If my wife ever gave me the ILYBNILWY speech, she would be out on her ass so fast her head would be spinning. I am a major catch, and so are you . Don't worry about the kids. This is for their benefit too. Do you think it is a good example of marriage to see their mom running after some other guy. She needs to be shamed in their eyes, not by you but by her actions. You don't want your kids growing up to be doormats, right? Please don't continue down the road of appeasement. She will only take this as license.
desertmoon Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Your kids will understand. And actually help the situation. I am not talking about putting them in the middle. But letting them know why you can't accept the situation. You have to bring her to crisis or you will stop loving her and end up divorced any way. Is she a stay at home mom? If so, you control the purse strings. Tell her since you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with your money. Close joint bank accounts and credit cards. You open your own. Have her open one. you pay the bills. and give her an allowance. If she has given you the ILYBNILWY speech, you have to leave her. Or better yet if you are the bread winner, kick her ass out. Go meet people. Find new friends, male and female. You cannot be mr. Needy with her. You have to be confident and happy and not put up with her crap. If my wife ever gave me the ILYBNILWY speech, she would be out on her ass so fast her head would be spinning. I am a major catch, and so are you . Don't worry about the kids. This is for their benefit too. Do you think it is a good example of marriage to see their mom running after some other guy. She needs to be shamed in their eyes, not by you but by her actions. You don't want your kids growing up to be doormats, right? Please don't continue down the road of appeasement. She will only take this as license. I agree with most of what hunka said above---once you get "the speech",it is your cue to move on. However, I do not agree that she "needs to be shamed in front of your kids". That is like telling the kids that they need to be ashamed of the other half of who they are. How old are the kids? Telling the kids of the reason why the marriage failed need to be age-specific/appropriate and must not be motivated by a need to destroy the other person. YOU (the one with the moral upperhand in the marriage) have the responsibility to shield your children from as much damage from the demise of this marriage no matter the hatred you feel for your WS.
Bryanp Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would take such humiliation and disrespect from you? Her actions indicate that you are simply the doorprize to the OM. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Her continued actions and refusal of No Contact indicates that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
signedin2008 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 How do you know it's not a physical affair? Maybe they have done it a few times already. How do you know, as a player as he is, that he would refuse when your wife litterally throw herself at him again and again. You need to get tested if he is really a player as you described.
troubadour Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I agree with signedin2008 that it is rather unlikely that your wife had just EA. In situations like this there is usually more to the story than she told you.
Author greenbuilt Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 is the speech the actual last chapter of the story? it is if i chose it to be. i doubt there has been any more than an ea but who can know? we have worked hard as a family to create a great situation and it is amazing how fragile things really are. i agree it is about lack of respect but it is also about my right to controll her friends. do i have that right? does she for me? she admits being wrong about her past behavior and is ready to move on. i am too but the continued contact makes it tough. also she denies having an ea- just a friendship remember? if it is just a friendship then what right do i have to forbid it? her refusal to admit to an ea keeps it alive.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 After 29 years of marriage, you're damn right I can control who her "male" friends are. I don't know if in your vows you said "forsaking all others", we did. Anything that knowingly causes you pain is verboten. If it was only "friendship" you would not sound this miserable. She has chosen someone in preference to you. So if you like, by all means please continue to be enlightened instead of happy and in love. You told us that she gave you the ILYBINILWY. Oh and in regards to building something together, without love between you and her its a marriage of convenience. What it all comes down to is YOU GUYS GET THE MARRIAGE YOU WANT. If you can live with it, more power to you. I know I could not.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 she refuses to go nc If your W is this insistent over something that was entirely one sided - to the point where she will choose to do this over choosing to work on the marriage then she is either pathological or she has you snowed. I'm going with 'snowed' on this one. He reciprocated on some level, and still is or she wouldn't be so willing to crap all over your marriage and your feelings. There is only one response to a spouse who has had an affair and refuses to go NC: and that is to give them a choice in the matter and then hand them divorce papers if they choose to stay in contact. You don't break an affair with a weak passive blow. Affairs don't end for altruistic reasons. They have to be forcibly broken, with devastating consequences if they are not. It is the only way to break through to them: to make it clear that choosing the affair (on any level) means ending the marriage. Period. End of discussion.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 She needs to choose. YOU OR HIM. In all honesty there should be no hard choice.. This guy fed her ego as much as she fed his. They got caught up in an emotional affair and fantasy.. You are her husband, father of her kids.. WTF is with her? You need to be forceful with her on this since SHE was the one who allowed something to happen with another man, your friend!! Has she actually suffered ANY consquences of her choices and actions? Why does she NOT want to end the friendship? Is it possible that she still has feelings for him and that's why she won't let go and do NC? I'm sure this guy isn't in your life anymore, so why should he be in hers?
signedin2008 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 is the speech the actual last chapter of the story? it is if i chose it to be. i doubt there has been any more than an ea but who can know? we have worked hard as a family to create a great situation and it is amazing how fragile things really are. i agree it is about lack of respect but it is also about my right to controll her friends. do i have that right? does she for me? she admits being wrong about her past behavior and is ready to move on. i am too but the continued contact makes it tough. also she denies having an ea- just a friendship remember? if it is just a friendship then what right do i have to forbid it? her refusal to admit to an ea keeps it alive. One advice for you: GROW SOME BACKBONES! You're allowing her to do this to you. When are you going to do something about it...when she's pregnant with his baby? If she doesn't want to stop this EA (or more) or whatever "relationship" she's having and choosing "it" over her husband's feelings, you need to thow her out and if it ends in divorce, be it. You don't need or want a cheating wife in your marriage, or do you?
blueintheface Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I don't think you can call the guy, your wifes "friend". It is way more than that. So basically it is not about ccontrolling wife's friendships but more like trying to save marriage which quite frankly i don't think your wife is interested in. I also think it would be better for the kids if you were in a more emotionally stable situation and that might mean divorce.
Author greenbuilt Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 so i file for d, kick her out and move on and be happy? sounds great! meanwhile two great kids lose thier home that they were born in, family buisiness get disrupted, etc, all because of a friendship? even tho i know this is more and not the norm. my lack of back bone is also my inherant belief that the glass is still half full, and can be refilled. we still have a good marrage in all other ways. i am a major conflict avoider and so is she. we have rarely argued and this prob does not help. i have talked many times to the other guy and he agrees with me but cannot bring himself to tell her not to come by. if fact he has tried and she does not listen, she is stubborn to the point of having blinders on. my hope is that things will get back to how they were pre d day. and they mostly are between contacts with om. the big picture is this: two great kids, solid investments, good buisnesses, two decades of good marrage, basically the american dream. i am not willing to chuck it because of my insecurity. i do have a backbone but it is but it is not used to always get my way. again the bigger picture is about the family as a whole not me alone. my ego is not that big that i need to be king. bash away!
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Your standard as a parent is not to give them comfortable life. It is to raise them to be honest, good people. Do you ever think that you are raising future husbands and wives? They learn what marriage is suppose to be watching you two. They will seek out what they know. Why do you think children of abusers, marry or become abusers. It's because its what they were taught and know. So you can name off the lists of benefits to your family for allowing your wife to be in love with someone else. But as a parent, I want to meet the parents of my children's fiances, because I will be able to get a good indication of how they will act by watching the parents. In a few years, from now your children (the children you love and worry about) will model how you two live in their own marriages. So then the way you and your wife live is OK for them. HMMMMMMMM?
jwi71 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 greenbuilt. Why are you convinced this is an EA? BAsed on your post I see NOTHING that indicates that it is. So, what PROOF do you have that your W is having an EA with this "player"? Based on your posts, I don't EA. Prove it.
signedin2008 Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 i have talked many times to the other guy and he agrees with me but cannot bring himself to tell her not to come by. if fact he has tried and she does not listen, she is stubborn to the point of having blinders on. She, a mother and a wife, stops by a single man's place on a regular basis for no apparent reason EVEN after he told her not to? Does this make any sense to anyone at all? Does she thow herself at him in his place? Does he, as your described, a player, take the offer once in a while?
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 is the speech the actual last chapter of the story? it is if i chose it to be. i doubt there has been any more than an ea but who can know? we have worked hard as a family to create a great situation and it is amazing how fragile things really are. i agree it is about lack of respect but it is also about my right to controll her friends. do i have that right? does she for me? she admits being wrong about her past behavior and is ready to move on. i am too but the continued contact makes it tough. also she denies having an ea- just a friendship remember? if it is just a friendship then what right do i have to forbid it? her refusal to admit to an ea keeps it alive. GB, You should not have to "control" her friends. Fact, is that if she really love you, respected you, and repented her actions, she would no longer have contact with this guy. So, bottom line is. Your marriage is over... you just have not been told. I believe that it would be in your best interest to tell her that she needs to respect and love you... or find somewhere else to live.
Author greenbuilt Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 it is an ea? how do i know as i am not there. i do know she has expressed feelings of love to him and told her friends the same. i think it is a huge crush really. she now says she is over it and wants to be friends with him. at this point after so much lying and hiding it sweems like a bad thing. also her absolute refusal to give it up says to me that it is more than a friendship. i guess that is why i am torn about it. we all have the right to friends, tho she squashed any femail friends i had. isnt life grand??
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 her absolute refusal to give it up says to me that it is more than a friendship As it should - loud and clear. There is absolutely no doubt that there is more to this than you know. Until you bust it wide open, you are doomed to live with an OM helping your W to disrupt your family and your life.
desertmoon Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 GB, Let me get the facts straight ok? 1) your wife fell in love with this single guy 2) told you she loves you but no longer is "in love" with you 3) told you she loves this guy, told friends she loves this guy but 4) has since claimed has gotten over him and wants to stay married 5) wants to maintain the "friendship" with this single player guy Questions: 1)Are you and your wife willing to stay in a marriage as partners even though you (or at least, your wife)are not "in love" (many marriages in non-western cultures are successful and these parents raise morally upright (and intelligent children) without that volatile emotion, you know). Mutual respect, love for your children, common goals, propagation of good genes are some of the reasons to stay in a marriage.. 2) Does your wife even want to stay in the marriage? 3) Does your wife realize how much she has hurt you? by not only keeping it between the two of you, she also told friends? they probably knew before you found out, right? and if she knows how much she's hurt you, does she not care that by this continued friendship she continues to hurt you? 4) has your wife taken back the "i love you but not in love with you" statement? has she told you that THAT was a momentary loss off sanity? and truly mean it? 5) Have you given her the "it's me or him" speech? I think you should. When you do, you should do it without anger, neither should you do it like you are begging for mercy.
Author greenbuilt Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 so i ran into om today and told him that he must end it. he replied that he has tried and he has no control over her stopping by. it seems as if wife has no feelings for anyone but herself and the fantasy "friendship". om says he has not been kind in any way and spent her last visit bitching at her for stopping by. things get lots better bwt wife and i when the issue is removed either by me not knowing or her not going there. i think there is hope if this issue is removed. i have given her the me or him choice and she says she has chosen me. no sex no foul right? this is where it gets bad. i am overreacting about her friendship. she said she didnt tell me early on because she was afraid i would react poorly. she went to her friends is order to process the feelings and to work thru them. months later i found out......
ForumFool Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Green hi I am newish too.....a thought to consider......if this om....your friend really wanted to end this with her....he would not open the door and hang up when she calls.....if she bugged him at work he would get or threaten to get a restraining order.....something isn't right here... I can't say or know what they are up too but something isn't right in their story....IF my friends spouse chased and bugged me and my friend was hurt by all that..those are the things I would do...unless....I WAS doing him.....Maybe the three of you ought to seek a therapist......if he is telling the truth....maybe another party telling her to knock it off would help .....and help her figure out why she is stalking him IF she is....she is disrespectful no matter what and I am sorry for your pain
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