techfan Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 If someone is trying to heal and get over their ex, typically as most everyone agrees on this board, the way to go is NC.... I know a lot of people here also recommend letting go of false hope of reconciliations as well as they hinder your progress. False hope will hurt you, etc. My question is this.... if you're in strict NC altogether, is it still bad to have false hope? I was thinking about this today and realized typically it makes it easier to almost 'hope' to see your ex or talk to them at some point. For some i would assume that 'hope' would make you get through the day easier.... Was wondering if this could be used as a sort of 'emotional hack' on yourself. Using the hope of seeing your ex or connecting with them sometime in the future as a way to ease the pain a bit... even though you follow NC. It seems to me that by doing this, after time passes, the hope will slowly fade and with it, your real feelings as well for your ex. Does this make sense or is it a bad idea? It just seems extremely hard to give up all hope and pretending someone is dead vs. saying to yourself "well ill see them eventually in a few months or half a year and we'll go from there." Thoughts anyone? I really would like to know if anyone thinks this approach would work or be okay to use. Sorta like letting it fizzle out....
LoveisWar Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Hi techfan, What you just posted is the same scenario i am going through right now. I have been NC with my ex for almost 7 weeks now. In that time the pain has become less each day. Some days i want nothing to do with her, other days it swings the other way and i desperatley want to make contact, the fact is im still healing and getting over things. It all comes down to self respect with me - i need to get back to that man i was before i met her(or even stronger), Despite this i still harbour some small hope we might one day in the future be in contact, this very small piece of hope or expectation that we might cross paths does give me some comfort. In a way i am using it as some kind of false hope i know but it does ease the pain but i only use it when im feeling low or having a bad day and by doing so i am more commited to maintaining NC. Guess im hoping that one day there will be no hope if you dig what im saying....Anyways, i wish you the best,
Ronni_W Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Actually, that is a truly creative, innovative approach! I can't see any harm in conning one's self when we KNOW that we are doing it. The big caution would be to remember that you are just BSing your psyche with the intent/goal of having it (the BS) facilitate your healing and recovery. Normally, I would say that ALL "false hope" is ultimately harmful. But this is not so much "false hope" as a tool/technique designed to help you, and you are well aware of what it is that you're doing. So. Now I'd have to say, all UNCONSCIOUS "false" hope is ultimately harmful. But you seem to have hit on a bit of gold, as to how to feel better in the present moment AND move forward into the future...and that's exactly what a good tool/strategy is supposed to do. Well done! Stay N/C, and stay self-aware. Hugs and good luck with your healing.
Goatsbreath Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 techfan, no matter what people on here say the rule is you can't just shut off what you feel. If you have some hope then you have hope. I don't think your alone. I know I did at the start and only just recently have been more accepting of the situation (about 1 1/2 months into the breakup) I think the hope is part of the denial and your likely to be in that stage for a bit. Like you said, eventually you realize the situation for what it is and you start to be more accepting of it. Just keep chugging along and tell yourself everyday that the hope I have for the relationship would be better aimed at hope for me and my future. Day by day focus the hope back onto yourself. Good luck
Author techfan Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Goatsbreath, thats a great point. I'm in a similar situation as your and have been NC for 3 weeks so far.... i am planning on breaking it though this week. I have some things that need to be said to her regardless of the outcome. Things i need to say to help me move on and also to let myself know that i said everything i could and layed every card out on the table so when i finally do walk away i will have no regrets and can be honest with myself of what i have learned and that I communicated everything from my side. Even though that won't be good enough for her, it will for me. Our relationship broke down because of lack of communication basically and ended on good terms so its hard for me to completely let go without communicating everything one last time. I know breaking NC, especially seeing her face to face (haven't in 6 weeks) will definitely take me back a lot into the healing process but i know that she is worth that risk and that while it will suck terribly, my heart says to do it. I don't want to second guess that, as i haven't said my peace yet. Thanks for the advice guys. I do think maybe (especially in my situation) that false hope can be okay.... if handled properly. As long as the false hope doesn't keep you from waiting around to live your life.... in my situation i plan on using it as a tool to help me move on and focus on the present situation while keeping hope about the future...... kinda like saying "well i hope we can talk sometime soon and maybe reconnect somehow, but i'm not gonna wait around for it." It is a hack but maybe it's worthwhile. And also, i think it might be useful to motivate you to become a better person as well so when that future meetup happens if ever, you have grown and become better in so many ways.
sunshinegirl Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I agree with the other posters who say you can't necessarily control whether you feel some hope or not. One thing to be aware of is that you may experience a tremendous letdown if/when you DO see or talk to the ex - and your real grieving may only start then, as you realize that the relationship is well and truly over. That's what happened with my 2004 breakup - after 3 months of NC (and a lot of hope of reconciliation on my end) we had some light email contact that made it perfectly clear that it was O-V-E-R. It was crushing. However, in the longer term the contact was actually helpful to my healing as I was finally able to let go of that hope.
Author techfan Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I agree with the other posters who say you can't necessarily control whether you feel some hope or not. One thing to be aware of is that you may experience a tremendous letdown if/when you DO see or talk to the ex - and your real grieving may only start then, as you realize that the relationship is well and truly over. That's what happened with my 2004 breakup - after 3 months of NC (and a lot of hope of reconciliation on my end) we had some light email contact that made it perfectly clear that it was O-V-E-R. It was crushing. However, in the longer term the contact was actually helpful to my healing as I was finally able to let go of that hope. yeah i understand... i hope there is a chance but i know its not gonna be good.... its definitely gonna be a letdown but i still need to say what i have to say so then i can at least know in my heart everything was said on my part. That way i can move forward. We ended on a good note and there aren't any bad feelings, just confusion on her end.... and a little on mine. So by explaining myself entirely at least i know in the end that i did my part to the fullest. Was your situation similar Sunshinegirl? Thanks for the responses all.
sad_panda Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 The first couple of weeks after we broke up, I did NC with the intention of winning him back. It was an intention that I held on to dearly, and if it weren't for that, I would've lost the last shreds of my dignity by begging him everyday to take me back. I consoled myself with the idea that my ex would come back after six months at the least because he needed time to heal and miss me so I had to be patient. Gradually, though, I just started not giving a damn. Before I knew it I was doing NC for me, and that I already accepted that it was over. He would not come back in six months, and even if he did, I wouldn't want him anyway.
norajane Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Hope keeps you hanging on and delays your moving on and keeps you dwelling in the past. That said, it's not likely that you wouldn't hang on to some degree anyway. I'd recommend flipping that hope from hoping to see him/get back together to hoping to meet someone who excites and interests you. Use hope to look forward, not back.
EmperorR Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Hope is a killer for months I tohught hey my ex is going to call she will see the light and her mistakes. That's the reason i did NC for hr to miss me and call me back, then after a while it healed me and im glad she never tried to contact me.
NCdude Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 In my opinion, thats the only way. Ive never been able to just all of the sudden say, "It's over, get over it." Its too much of a drastic change in feelings for me. Now, if I just say, "We might get back together later." Then I can go on through, in a good mood, with hope being in the back of my head. False hope yes, but like you said, it just keeps you going and eventually everything dwindles away. If the NC gets tough, you can always just tell yourself, "No, that will mess up what possibility I have for the future." And so on... For me.. That's the only way I can do it, otherwise I'm just not myself, always down in the dumps, and can never get it out of my head.
blue16 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 In my opinion, thats the only way. Ive never been able to just all of the sudden say, "It's over, get over it." Its too much of a drastic change in feelings for me. Now, if I just say, "We might get back together later." Then I can go on through, in a good mood, with hope being in the back of my head. False hope yes, but like you said, it just keeps you going and eventually everything dwindles away. If the NC gets tough, you can always just tell yourself, "No, that will mess up what possibility I have for the future." And so on... For me.. That's the only way I can do it, otherwise I'm just not myself, always down in the dumps, and can never get it out of my head. Pretty much my thought process too. I think most of us have learned that breaking contact isn't going to get your ex back anyway, and certainly isn't gonna make you feel any better so why do it? I just keep those thoughts in my head and continue to go strong and after a while you don't even think about it.
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