theBrokenMuse Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I don't know what possessed me to do it but I went out and got him something I knew he'd *really* like along with a nice card for Valentine's Day. He mumbled thanks to me as he was too busy playing a computer game to look up at me for five seconds, apparently and put it aside without opening it. I put the kids down for a nap and I find shredded wrapping paper on the floor and he's nowhere to be found. I figured he must have forgotten to get me something or perhaps felt guilty that whatever he had gotten me wasn't as thoughtful as the gift I had bought him and went back out shopping. Hours later he walks in, eats, watches TV and goes to bed all without even wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day or even really acknowledging my presence when he's always known how much this one particular holiday means to me. I can't believe I am married to such a self-absorbed POS. He better not even feign the slightest bit of surprise when I tell him I'm leaving. People treat their pets better than he does me.
Lizzie60 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Leave the jerk.. simple.. he doesn't give a hoot about you.. You're wasting your precious time with him.. move on.. you'll be much better on your own than in a miserable relationship.
pelicanpreacher Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 When you leave him leave his life a parking lot to give him a real reason to cop his attitude for if somebody's just got to mad in all this "better him than you"!
Citizen Erased Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 That is just awful. I'm so sorry he hurt you like this, and I'd bet this is just the cherry on top of the pile of crap he's done to you. I really hope you leave him and soon.
Mountains10 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I don't know what possessed me to do it but I went out and got him something I knew he'd *really* like along with a nice card for Valentine's Day. He mumbled thanks to me as he was too busy playing a computer game to look up at me for five seconds, apparently and put it aside without opening it. I put the kids down for a nap and I find shredded wrapping paper on the floor and he's nowhere to be found. I figured he must have forgotten to get me something or perhaps felt guilty that whatever he had gotten me wasn't as thoughtful as the gift I had bought him and went back out shopping. Hours later he walks in, eats, watches TV and goes to bed all without even wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day or even really acknowledging my presence when he's always known how much this one particular holiday means to me. I can't believe I am married to such a self-absorbed POS. He better not even feign the slightest bit of surprise when I tell him I'm leaving. People treat their pets better than he does me. Is your husband addicted to this computer game? Just curious.
Gunny376 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 The trouble is that your going to run into many men like this because men really are clueless when it comes to such things and yes women need another pair of shoes. That's not to say that any and all men are like your husband, most of us aren't totally and completely clueless. Back in the day, even I knew that there were certain special days that I dared not forget to recognize and ackowledge. But I look back over the years and I can see where although I was a good man, husband, (even cleaned the house on my off-days, cooked, while the wife was at work and I was off) there was a lot of ways that I was lacking. My main defincey was in the "What It Took To Get Her ~ is What It takes to keep her" in that I laid down in the romance, dating, etc department once I got married. I was like Paul in "Mad About You!" when the wife said, "You use to take me out, wine and dine me, bring me flowers, and give me little special "somethings" but now that we're married you don't do that anymore, why?" Paul said, "That's why I got married so I wouldn't have to do that anymore!" That really hit home for me like a punch in the stomach ~ after she left and was gone and I was divorced. It made me quit being a fool, and I realized that I needed to get my happy-@ss back in school, and so I became a student (indeed that's the main reason I"m here a LoveShack ~ to learn and grow. In fairness my XHEX left me because I was laying down on the job, had my priorties mixed up (sort of) and wasn't focused enough on what really mattered ~ her and the children and the family. In the book, "Crazy Time" a book about divorce, the author relates about a case-study in which the husband kept his nose to the grind-stone, and was a corporate man. Finally after years and years he "made" it and was promoted to vice-president and got the corner office with the view. The kids were grown, gone, and own their own ~ busy with their own lives. (i.e. Cat Steven's "Cats In The Cradle") and it was just him and the wife. He came home with roses and champagne to celebrate the new promotion and that he had finally "arrived" but was deflated when the wife told him that the house they had was "nice" and all the expensive clothes, furniture, furnishings, cars were nice ~ but in the end she just wished that he had spent more time with her and the children when they were younger instead of so much time at the office. Men are like the Pillsbury Doughboy. First you've got to pluck out the bulge of what they've been taught as young boys as to what a husband is, along with all the crap they've learned from their parents. Then you've got to kneed, mold and fold them to meet your needs as a woman and as an individual! Trouble is? We men don't know this? And so we resist it ~ fight it even.
wuggle Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Agreed men can be a 'bit dim' sometimes but this guy just sounds like an ar**hole. Have you actually told him your pi**ed off with him not getting you a card or present ?
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Is your husband addicted to this computer game? Just curious. He's a run of the mill computer geek (I am too in a sense) however, he has no addiction to any one game. He loses interest in them fast.
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 That is just awful. I'm so sorry he hurt you like this, and I'd bet this is just the cherry on top of the pile of crap he's done to you. I really hope you leave him and soon. Really, I don't know why it stung so much, I should have seen it coming. He didn't buy me a Birthday gift or card either last year. In fact he actually complained about having to watch the kids while I went out to celebrate without him (since he didn't want to make any plans with me for my Birthday). I guess I just can't wrap my head around how people can be this horrible to someone who has always gone out of their way to be good to them. I mean, even if he doesn't love me, shouldn't he at least treat me with a little kindness since I am the mother of his children?
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I can empathize, but let me share my opinion about the "why". Treating you with a little kindness involves caring, and evidently your H doesn't want to make that emotional investment. I re-read one of your initial threads on LS from about a year ago to confirm. I don't see any upside here, sorry Personally, dealing with a mixed signals person (I'd opine passive-aggressive), I'd much rather be with someone who gives me consistent negative signals. At least then I'd have some idea of how deep the rabbit hole goes. In some ways, I envy you. The hard part, for you, is making the decision to leave. The why appears quite clear. BTW, for the first time in our M, I didn't get my W anything for V-day. My signals are clear. I moved our marital goods into her new home. Consistency
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 That's not to say that any and all men are like your husband, most of us aren't totally and completely clueless. The thing is Gunny, I don't think he is clueless. I have told him point blank how bad this made me feel when he pulled this stunt on my birthday. I don't expect him to go out and buy me anything expensive, hell, he doesn't have to buy me anything at all. He could let me sleep in for once (he hasn't gotten up with the kids ONE TIME since my first was born), he could cook me dinner for a change, or bake me a cake because I have one heck of a sweet tooth and he knows this. I have not been worth the effort to even attempt to make me happy since we married. I have bent over backwards to try and make him happier, hoping that in turn if he saw how hard I was trying, he'd be more inclined to want to do things for me. Instead, he just grew increasingly critical and cold. Nothing I do is ever satisfactory but if I even try and discuss something that upsets me in a calm and collected manner he insists *I* am being an unreasonable and am against him in everything he does. He demonizes me and refuses to even acknowledge he has any faults at all. Everything is all my doing -- even both my pregnancies! (Immaculate conception I guess! Shall I go call the Vatican?) I honestly don't know why I bought him anything. He doesn't deserve it. In all honesty, he's made my life pretty unbearable. I guess I was just hoping for a miracle but I know deep down, like most abusive SOBs he'll never change.
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Agreed men can be a 'bit dim' sometimes but this guy just sounds like an ar**hole. Have you actually told him your pi**ed off with him not getting you a card or present ? Actually, I don't even know if I want to discuss it with him at this point. I know with absolute certainty that he was aware it would hurt me, especially since the conversation we had on my Birthday about this sort of thing. I am 99.99% positive that he choose to do this as a slap in the face to me. A sort of passive aggressive FU. (I say passive aggressive because he'd never admit to doing things to intentionally hurt me - even though it's obvious he does.) I am too tired of his antics to keep explaining to him how I feel when he pulls stunts like this. If he doesn't get it by now, he's just not going to and if he does get it but does it anyway, he's a sadist. Either way, it just doesn't seem worth the effort.
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I just can't get over how he seems to hate me so much. WTF did I ever do to him to deserve this? All I ever wanted was to have a partner in life to love that would love me back. WTF does that seem like such a tall order these days? Maybe even with all attempts to be a good wife, I am just a failure. This is the second man that I really loved and shared all of myself with that's hurt me to the very core and not cared whatsoever for the gaping wound they inflicted upon me. I find myself wishing it was lethal enough to completely kill my ability to love. I never, ever want to go through this again. I'd rather my heart turn to stone than ever risk being vulnerable with another man. I guess it's a good thing then that I am so damn unlovable, so it really should be a big concern. Good god, I just want to be drunk right now. I'm having a meltdown.
marlena Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I just can't get over how he seems to hate me so much. Why are you staying with a person who is trying to cancel you out like this? What are you afraid of?
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I know this feeling The really hard part is avoiding true destruction of that part of you that does love and remains vulnerable, for those are the essences of your positive force in the world. MC helped me understand the concept of incompatibility, where love styles can be equal but incompatible, so I can process that seeming disparity in a healthier way and retain my ability to love and be vulnerable. The key is discerning the correct signals and qualities in a partner to properly share those vulnerabilities and love. Bluntly put, you picked wrong. So did I. That doesn't make any of us (including our partners) bad people. Normal might be a better description We all make mistakes.
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I know this feeling The really hard part is avoiding true destruction of that part of you that does love and remains vulnerable, for those are the essences of your positive force in the world. I for one look forward to it with open arms. Romantic love is no longer an option for me once I divorce (There's just too much baggage for any sane human being to want to get involved in this mess I call a life) so it's best if I don't ever miss having that kind of companionship. Call it a small mercy.
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Therein lies the conundrum of an unromantic/unloving marriage and approaching 50 and, hearing such revelations from yourself (and also female contemporaries), I have to decide what's healthy for me, and that is increasingly coming to mean a relationship-less existence. I have no interest in a companion. I have a few really close friends and lots of lesser friends all over the world. Being alone is fine with me. I tried the companion (non mutually romantic) marriage and choked on it. Good on ya if you can make that work in the future
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I have no interest in a companion. Being alone is fine with me. The problem is I still do want it. I have to learn how to not want it because I know in my head it's not viable for me.
doomed Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I am too tired of his antics to keep explaining to him how I feel when he pulls stunts like this. If he doesn't get it by now, he's just not going to and if he does get it but does it anyway, he's a sadist. Either way, it just doesn't seem worth the effort. Wow. If you were with me flowers and a card on the kitchen counter for you to see first thing in the morning, at a minimum, even if I'm *hating your guts, is what you'd get. I didn't go look at your story, but have you guys done the five love languages thing ? He could be madly in love with you and still not show you anything that feels like love to you... Thats the theory anyway. And let me echo your happy f****n valentines. When a marriage is working, every day can be like valentines day. When its not, its just a "wow, your life really sucks" day. Let me share a little story about gifting the one you *hate. My aspiring X and I went through over two years of sexlesssness in 2003/4 & 2005/6. I didn't understand it at the time, but we lost our emotional connection and although she agreed that sex could still be recreational, she refused to feel like a piece of meat. There were many quietly fought out scenes. I'd be like hey, we still get itches right ? She'd be like "I could go the rest of my life without it". (ow...). I'd be like c'mon - I see your eyes, I see your soul, I know your reactions and know we're mind blowing together, and you know it too. She'd be like "even r@pe victims have org@sms". (OW!!!). Topics of m@sturb@tion and p0rn would come up. And THAT would be just like cheating and unfaithful to her and is not okay. I would say hey, are you really telling me that you expect me to live like an asexual castrated monk my entire life ? She'd get biblical on my @ss and quote vows at me emphasizing the "forsaking all others", and "until death do you part" parts and how HER faith has even stronger vows of all eternity! I'd be like you left out the cleavage part. You left out the one flesh part. You can't forget the cleavage and the flesh! I learned not to argue scriptures with the missus... but anyway, I'm on the couch for a year at this point when Christmas 2005 rolls around. I'm feeling seriously bad for and about myself this season. I just can't quite get into that Christmas spririt, you know ? She gets a card, she gets a stocking full of her favorites, she gets nothing but gifts of utility, every damn thing was something she said she wanted, but there was just no magic, no romance, nothing for "us". For me she gets wicked thoughtful things. Among them a new wedding ring, an exact replica of the one I grew out of and she now wore. Just to say to me, with and without words, that our wedding rings mean we have each other no matter what. It took all of my inate grace and poise to muster up a moderatlely shocked "thank you" while I'm thinking "yeah, no matter what... to have and to hold, to pay for everything in life, sleep on the couch, to be the family ATM and chauffer... until death do we part ...". No, I did not hasten the parting, and yes, the sexlesssness continued. She was insulted by the lack of passion in my gifting, and I was insulted at the ring feeling like she's just rubbing my face in the dirt and making sure I know it. She can rant about how insulted she was, and still does to this day, but I can't really say anything about mine, I mean who should get insulted with their wife who gives them a freakin wedding ring ? But I managed it and the estrangement continued. Talk about mixed signals, misunderstanding of intent, and how effed up life and love can be ... Three years later ... Even this year, with my aspiring X having me leave the family home 6-7 weeks ago, and me really *hating her guts, I sent her **two cards, and she had her DD deliver me one that I've smelled 1,000 times since yesterday morning. She said to me "You always find the perfect card" and I know hers was perfect. By the end of last night, she was back to refusing me access to the children in a deal she JUST worked out with me the 13th !! The fight broke out over songs in my cd changer for hell's sake. Rhetorically, which signal should I read ? I hate estranged holidays... Happy f*****n valentines day, indeed. doomed * when I use the word hate, I use it in a context that only those who've experienced a very long term broken relationship can understand. Its not that you really hate the person, so much as you hate their contributions to what you've become as a couple and at that moment do not give a rats @ss about your own contributions. ** Valentines day will forever suck for us since her oldest boy, my oldest stepson and my boy for ten years, passed away the day before valentines day in 2005 Imagine, as a mom, trying to muster up that romantic feeling ever again. I must say that in 2006 she literally blew me away with valentines day, but 2007, 2008 and 2009 ? Sucked. The second card I sent this year was a sympathy card telling her I can see what she goes through at this time of year and wishing I could ever be a support to her.
Mountains10 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 He's a run of the mill computer geek (I am too in a sense) however, he has no addiction to any one game. He loses interest in them fast. I was just curious, as I got stuck on 1 game and watched my wife get very jealous of it and the computer. I'm a geek too .
carhill Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 The problem is I still do want it. I have to learn how to not want it because I know in my head it's not viable for me. By companion I meant someone who accompanies me in life but with whom I have no deep emotional or spiritual connection. My wife would be happy with me as a companion, for example. Someone to go places with, fix her car, share meals with, have sex with, etc. but leave her alone when she wanted her alone time. The common theme is "her". I have no interest in that, which in no way lessens its validity for her. I'm just the wrong kind of man for that relationship style. Hope that clarifies
Mountains10 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 The problem is I still do want it. I have to learn how to not want it because I know in my head it's not viable for me. I don't think that's possible. It's something you want and need. Because things didn't work out with my life, I'm not going to let that skew what I want from a relationship going forward. It's ok to want someone and to want to share an emotional connection with someone. To me, that's what being in love is all about. I guess it's different for each person. I think you will always want it and it's not a bad thing is it?
soserious1 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Actually, I don't even know if I want to discuss it with him at this point. I know with absolute certainty that he was aware it would hurt me, especially since the conversation we had on my Birthday about this sort of thing. I am 99.99% positive that he choose to do this as a slap in the face to me. A sort of passive aggressive FU. (I say passive aggressive because he'd never admit to doing things to intentionally hurt me - even though it's obvious he does.) I am too tired of his antics to keep explaining to him how I feel when he pulls stunts like this. If he doesn't get it by now, he's just not going to and if he does get it but does it anyway, he's a sadist. Either way, it just doesn't seem worth the effort. He's telling you very clearly that he doesn't care about you or about your needs.He's been telling you this for years now actually and yet you stay around, you continue to try to make nice with him. At this point in time he probably figures that you thrive on emotional abuse,that you in fact crave the cold,inconsiderate, indifferent manner in which he treats you. This guy has learned that he doesn't need to lift a finger caring for his own kids or home, he can flat out ignore things like your birthday... and the consequences of this? you still stay.. you cook for him and buy him gifts. Why would he change, he's getting everything he needs.
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 I don't think that's possible. It's something you want and need. Because things didn't work out with my life, I'm not going to let that skew what I want from a relationship going forward. It's ok to want someone and to want to share an emotional connection with someone. To me, that's what being in love is all about. I guess it's different for each person. I think you will always want it and it's not a bad thing is it? It's only possible if I can find a way to completely eradicate all hope but that's one hell of a tall order.
Author theBrokenMuse Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 He's telling you very clearly that he doesn't care about you or about your needs.He's been telling you this for years now actually and yet you stay around, you continue to try to make nice with him. At this point in time he probably figures that you thrive on emotional abuse,that you in fact crave the cold,inconsiderate, indifferent manner in which he treats you. This guy has learned that he doesn't need to lift a finger caring for his own kids or home, he can flat out ignore things like your birthday... and the consequences of this? you still stay.. you cook for him and buy him gifts. Why would he change, he's getting everything he needs. I get all this. I really do but it's still hard to accept a rejection of this magnitude. I know he hates me. I know. I just don't understand why. I am leaving once I find a better job, someplace to bring the kids that takes special needs children that doesn't cost an arm and a leg with a massive waiting list, and figure out what I am going to do about a place to live... Did I mention he completely ruined my credit? Ugh! He's really turned my life upside down. I hate this. I hate this so damn much. My life is in shambles right now because I had to get suckered in by a headcase with peter pan syndrome. I sure know how to pick 'em!
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