EbEvoVIII Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 A little background information: I am 19 years old and I have been dating my girlfriend for three years. She is 18 now. Her past relationships were horrible due to the fact that she wouldn't put out. Her boyfriends were older and would cheat on her with her best friends and hit her. She found me and we are so attachted to eachother. She trusts me so much that she lost her virginity to me. This girl can't even sleep unless I am on the phone with her sleeping. She loves me and I love her. I was never the guy that emotionally or physically abused her. We are and were perfect! I mean we fought, but who doesn't in a relationship. We always worked everything out. About a year ago she even switched religions even though I strongly advised her not to switch to my religion. This is how crazy we are about eachother. Her household is horrible, where her parents are divorced and her mom constantly nags at her for getting B's in school. She has to take care of her little brother all by herself and I am the only one in her life. We are so close that she calls me her husband and I call her my wife. We wanted to get married and live the perfect life. She would always tell me there is nothing in this world that would seperate us. I believed it, all of it! Not it just seems like it is too good to be true. Here is my story............ Last week she told me she had a job interview and I told her that she wouldn't be able to cope with her job, me, school and her mom all at the same time. She said will will be okay. Well the next day she never called or texted me. Now on a side note, my girlfriend would call me every night she goest to bed and sleep on the phone or else she will stay awake. Then she will call me every morning before she went to school. Well continuing, she did this for about two days until she finally answered her phone. I was going nuts asking questions back and forth. She told me she wouldn't talk to me because she totalled her car and wasn't wearing her glasses while driving when she was supposed to. She told me she knew I was going to yell at her. I told her well babe I would first ask if you were okay! I wouldn't get mad especially after that. She was like I don't know, I just got scared. Well that weekend she went to bed on the phone with me and she said, "I am so glad you didn't leave me babe. I thought that if I stopped talking to you, you would get up and leave me." I told her no way! I love her more than anything in this world. Now here is where the trouble begins. The third night she came home from work and told me she would call me. She didn't so I called and she said she was up doing homework and that she would call me when she is done. I went to bed to wake up and notice she didn't call me that night or in the morning when she woke up. I assumed she was tired and woke up late. So now I come to find out she is doing the exact same thing. She won't call me or text me at all. Finally she answered the phone and I had a talk with her. She tells me that she doesn't know what she wants. I asked her, "Stephanie do you love me and want to be with me?" She told me that she does want to be with me but at the same time she doesn't. She said that she misses being single and not dependant upon me. She said she HATES being dependant upon me. I asked her if I did something wrong or if she did something she wasn't supposed to do in a relationship. She said that it has nothing to do with any of that. I even asked her if she was interested in what's out there and she said no. She told me she still loves me and that she will be back. I asked her if she is even regretting what she is doing and she said "I know I will in the future." Then me, all emotionally upset, said "tell me right now that you don't want to be with me and we will never get with eachother ever again." She said she couldn't because she will come back. I told her look, what makes you think I would take you back after all of this? She said that I had that right to not take her back. Then I am like, "Do you want time alone?" She said I don't know. So I suggested that she take time to herself for a couple of weeks. I mean she told me this, "Syed, I feel like I don't deserve you." She said she will tell me in about a week what she wants. So she isn't breaking up with me or going on a break but she is just ignoring me. Even when I text her, I get one word answers that are very bland like she is depressed or something. Well two days later (today) I texted her to tell her, "I just wanted to tell you I miss you and I am thinking of you. Happy Valentine's Day baby and I love you." She texted back and said "Happy Valentine's Day babe." Well I texted her a little more and she kept giving me one word answers. Then I texted her I love you twice and she texts saying, "Can you stop texting me like crazy? I am working." Then I backed off a little and told her hey I will text you when you get out of work if that is okay with you and asked her what time she got off. All she texted was "Eleven". Now to me it seems like she is trying to get over me. A girl who was so crazy about me, just snapped and maybe wants out? It doesn't make sense. Whenever I ask something, she always says I don't know. There is something going on that I don't know about. I know it isn't another guy but some internal or external factor that is driving her nuts. I know that she would always come crying to me due to her mom always b****ing at her. Right now, I don't want to text her or call her. I want to give her that space until Tuesday or Wednesday to see what she has to say. I want some advice please.......I don't want to wait so long that I lose heart for her. I feel like I am hopeless and that I will never get my baby back.
Author EbEvoVIII Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Anyone? Please I need some serious advice!
SYL Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Hmmmm... new job? She's meeting new people and leaving her options open is my best guess. For a girl who was scared of so much before and relied on you so much... Once she got to this job that you told her she couldn't handle, and she realized that it wasn't so bad after all and that she actually could, a new world opened up for her! She probably isn't seeing anyone but she is definitely testing new uncharted waters. She's growing and getting to know herself and embracing what she CAN do. Dependance on anyone to the degree she had with you is not healthy, not for her and not for you. So be happy for her for trying to stand on her own two feet. While you love her, try to do your best to support her. If this is truly the case, she is keeping you on the sidelines in case she encounters something 'difficult' where she will need her security blanket again. Don't be mean or coddle her -- but gently remind her that embarking on adulthood has all its ups and downs and that is the only way that we learn. Tell her you are proud of her, always.
Author EbEvoVIII Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I completely understand but how can I support her when she won't talk to me? The problem is that she is ignoring me. I even told her, we can take it really really slow. I mean I am and will always be pround of her. I gave her the confidence to stand up on her own two feet. What hurts is that she let me go out of everything. In all honesty I don't want to be on the back burner. I was there when she needed me but when I need her she isn't there. I love her and I will wait but if she isn't back then it's her loss, not mine. I tried to do everything in my power to be the best.
Kage111 Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Sounds familiar... My ex worked two jobs, barely passed any of her classes, and had a mom that called her every hour to see where she was and what she was doing. I already thought she was dealing with too much, but she decided to join and become an officer of one of the clubs on campus... that's when she decided to put me on standby. For around half a semester I dealt with her being unreachable and irritable most of the time and still loving her but I could tell she wasn't into it as much as before. Finally she just told me flat out "I don't feel it for you anymore" and I, the guy who took care of her and protected her, suddenly took a blow to my self esteem that sent me from being her confident boyfriend to a pathetic shell of what I once was... So I hope your relationship doesn't end up the same way... but it is eerily similar to my experience... so be ready... SYL said it well. She's testing new waters and she's realizing she doesn't NEED you as much as she thought she did. She probably wants to see if she can handle everything without you. Good luck.
SYL Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I completely understand but how can I support her when she won't talk to me? The problem is that she is ignoring me. I even told her, we can take it really really slow. I mean I am and will always be pround of her. I gave her the confidence to stand up on her own two feet. What hurts is that she let me go out of everything. In all honesty I don't want to be on the back burner. I was there when she needed me but when I need her she isn't there. I love her and I will wait but if she isn't back then it's her loss, not mine. I tried to do everything in my power to be the best. You will always have YOU and I hope that you are not beginning to feel like she is the one that has validated your confidence all this time... That's not a good sign. You don't have to be left on the back burner -- it's your choice to be or not to be. You can still love her while YOU stand on your own two feet without her and enjoy life for yourself. This will be a good experience for you.
Author EbEvoVIII Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Sounds familiar... My ex worked two jobs, barely passed any of her classes, and had a mom that called her every hour to see where she was and what she was doing. I already thought she was dealing with too much, but she decided to join and become an officer of one of the clubs on campus... that's when she decided to put me on standby. For around half a semester I dealt with her being unreachable and irritable most of the time and still loving her but I could tell she wasn't into it as much as before. Finally she just told me flat out "I don't feel it for you anymore" and I, the guy who took care of her and protected her, suddenly took a blow to my self esteem that sent me from being her confident boyfriend to a pathetic shell of what I once was... So I hope your relationship doesn't end up the same way... but it is eerily similar to my experience... so be ready... SYL said it well. She's testing new waters and she's realizing she doesn't NEED you as much as she thought she did. She probably wants to see if she can handle everything without you. Good luck. Yeah you and SYL are absolutely correct. I am waiting for her answer on Tuesday or Wednesday. I have already deleted her number, pictures, emails, changed my relationship status on facebook, etc.. I am getting prepared for the worst. I know I can handle it because nothing can be as bad as losing my three best friends in the same day due to a car accident. There are plenty of fish in the sea, but after I want to concentrate on my career and my future. I am thinking about ending it myself because I know she will be back. No matter how hard she is trying to stay away, she will come back to me. You will always have YOU and I hope that you are not beginning to feel like she is the one that has validated your confidence all this time... That's not a good sign. You don't have to be left on the back burner -- it's your choice to be or not to be. You can still love her while YOU stand on your own two feet without her and enjoy life for yourself. This will be a good experience for you. I will always love her but not in the way I do now. I have always stood up on my own two feet. I myself work two jobs, full-time school, find time for her, my friends and homework. I have learned to manage my time and budget well. I have many girls that are willing to go out with me but I wanted her out of everyone. Oh well, I guess she will learn the hard way what she let go of.
SYL Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 You don't want her to come back... Please don't think this is intended as harsh. Let me explain. I firmly believe that teenagers do not know what love is in terms of commitment, compounded further if sense of love is unstable within the family unit. A teenager who has endured such strife at home is especially not emotionally, mentally, or physically capable of understanding what real love is -- she is not mature enough by healthy experience. She may have said she loves you and wants to marry you and she probably believed it at the time BUT she was unaware that it was essentially impossible for her to make those decisions then. She wasn't 'wrong' for the time... she didn't intentionally 'use' you although in retrospect, she did without knowing. It's not her fault. However, from this point forward, she has the potential to return to you on HER terms. It is up to you what you decide and how YOU want to be treated. Remember the good times, hon. You will never forget her but try not to be slighted. I see this as actually good for both of you. Move on for YOU. Respect yourself.
IcemanJB Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Holy...crap....is all I can really say. This story is so similar to mine that it's scary. Your ex even has the same name as my ex. As I was reading it, I kept wondering if we dated the same girl. You are NOT alone here man. My ex was crazy about me too, and then came over one night in tears. After 30 minutes of me trying to calm her down, she rattled off a bunch of random, non-connected reasons why she was so upset. She's young too (19, turns 20 in a couple weeks), and my best guess, even though I still to this day don't know for sure, is that she's always depended on others for her validation; i.e. she said she's never been on her own, and is just starting to realize this as she gets more into college. I asked her if she wanted to break up, and she couldn't say it. Finally I told her to take her stuff and leave as I was too scared and shocked to do anything else. I told her to come over a few nights later and she did right away. She made it about 30 minutes without crying, but when I straight up asked her if she wanted to be with me (just as you did), she started crying and kept saying 'yes'. We talked through things for about 3 hours with lots of tears from her, and it was clear she needed to break up. She still couldn't say the words, so I had to even though I TRULY did not want it at all. I care(d) about her too much to see her like that. It's been about 4 months since the breakup, and she's still single, so I'm more inclined to believe what she said. The point is, they probably DO want to be with us, but what's more important is them getting out and learning to stand on their own feet. We're at a more mature point than they are man! It wouldn't be fair for us to hold them back. I'm not sure what your situation is, but my ex wanted contact frequently after we broke up, but it was too hard on me, so I told her I wanted NC until I say otherwise. She understood, and has left me alone for almost 3 months. I suggest you do the same to heal yourself, and maybe, just MAYBE she'll learn to stand by herself down the road. It sucks, I was crazy about my ex too. Just hang in there, and leave her be is my advice.
Author EbEvoVIII Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Tuesday is my last day to wait. If she is a no show then I am done for good.
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Your ex is gone. Due to the abuse she endured (or endures), most likely she suffers from one or many mental disorders. If she maintained her individuality all these years during her abuse, she is evolving into a narcissist. If she lost herself (which it sounds like she has to some degree), she is evolving into someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. You should've never let this relationship progress to such a disgusting level that she couldn't even sleep without you on the phone. That is a suffocation of personal space. And after a while, she probably only did it because she knew you expected it. And when she got tired of it and stopped, and saw you didn't break up with her, she learned something. Then she started to pull away. This relationship is over. But the better question is, did it ever really start? Forgive me for being so harsh. One day looking back on what I just said will give you a lot of comfort in a lot of ways.
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