emotionalydistraugt Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I just found out through her little cousin that her Grandpa died on thursday of this week. I heard nothing from her about it but I felt it might be a good idea to extend an invitation to talk about that if she needs to. I sent her a message on facebook telling her I like her grandpa and I was sorry to hear he had died. I said I was wondering how she was doing with the situation and i left it at that. I dont know if this was a good idea or not. I feel like I'm being the bigger person and trying to help.Even though about a month ago I told her I didn't want to be her friend and I didn't want to talk to her anymore because of her cheating on me. Was it a good idea or should I have not even gone there?
quankanne Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 on the outset, it seems like a mixed message that you're sending her, but truthfully? That was a very kind, considerate thing to do considering you are upset with her. Because losing a loved one pretty much levels your world, and it sometimes feels like people just don't comprehend how you feel ... I'm glad you could look past your anger with her to do that for her. hugs, q
Fiaman Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I think losing a loved one is an acceptable reason to break no contact (for the moment). I think if she found out that you found out about her grandpa passing away and you didn't say anything would be worse than what you did.
Author emotionalydistraugt Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 I'm kinda afraid she'll use this as an oppurtunity to try and open up new ways to communicate but I still dont want to talk to her especially while she's with the dude she cheated on me with. She'll want to be friends and I dont want that
Art_Critic Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I'm kinda afraid she'll use this as an oppurtunity to try and open up new ways to communicate I thought I would repost your OP.. it isn't her looking for ways to communicate.. it is you I just found out through her little cousin that her Grandpa died on thursday of this week. I heard nothing from her about it but I felt it might be a good idea to extend an invitation to talk about that if she needs to. I sent her a message on facebook telling her I like her grandpa and I was sorry to hear he had died. I said I was wondering how she was doing with the situation and i left it at that. I dont know if this was a good idea or not. I feel like I'm being the bigger person and trying to help.Even though about a month ago I told her I didn't want to be her friend and I didn't want to talk to her anymore because of her cheating on me. Was it a good idea or should I have not even gone there? By the way.. you did the right thing by extending your condolences..but you shouldn't continue to contact her anymore.. I had an ex contact me thru a card when my Step Mom passed away 5 years ago. it was a wonderful feeling that it gave me.. but I never contacted her back and I don't think she wanted that.. she just was extending her condolences to me
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 No. These people are wrong. You did NOT do the right thing by extending anything to her. SHE COULD'VE TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS IF SHE WANTED YOUR THOUGHTS. She DIDN'T. You found out through one of her family members. She DIDN'T TELL YOU. So why would you TALK TO HER? It wasn't the bigger thing to do. It was stupid and you shouldn't have done it. Btw, everyone brace yourselves for a cruel joke. I saw this in another topic and it was epic. You should've text her saying "You broke my heart, now God broke your grandpas". How big IS the scope of karma? God, being completely anti empathetic towards cheaters = awesome. *Disclaimer: My thoughts and best wishes go out to every good person involved in this situation who has had to suffer from the loss of a loved one. But **** the cheater girl. Stupid *****. And stupid topic creator for trying to talk to her. She cheated on you dude let go, you lost this power struggle. She was never the girl you thought she was. Your mental image of this girl wasn't real, that's not who she is.
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 have to disagree with you there tom. I think the OP did the right thing in offering condolences, regardless of whether the ex wanted that or not. I hate this whole notion of power struggle. if you love someone, it's not about who's got the power, sometimes having the humility to offer the olive branch , while knowing it will amount to nothing, especially in this circumstance, is a truly admirable thing. yes OP, you are the bigger person here, but I don't think that's why you did this. You did it because you care. This person cheated on you. And you deserve better, we all know that. But I'm sure she appreciated the message you sent her. It must be a hard time for her now. If she does use this as a way to open communication, be prepared to deal with it. all you were doing was offering your condolences, it's not like you were asking her back out. she has to realise that.
Citizen Erased Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 You should've text her saying "You broke my heart, now God broke your grandpas". And I hope He breaks yours for being so tasteless as to post that. But I do agree that the OP should not have contacted her.
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 And I hope He breaks yours for being so tasteless as to post that. But I do agree that the OP should not have contacted her. Awesome. He already has broke it many times though, so I still owe him a few more tasteless shots.
Citizen Erased Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Awesome. He already has broke it many times though, so I still owe him a few more tasteless shots. Sorry, that was bitchy but that joke was pretty harsh.
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Lol you have no reason to apologize, I know full well it was harsh. I can't take credit for it though... someone said that in another topic, I'm merely repeating it. It was eerily similar to this topic actually.. Btw happy camper I agree with some of the things you stated. What I meant by power struggle though, is the situation you're in once the breakup has occured. The dumpees ego is usually damaged and it becomes a power struggle.
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Tom, power struggle perhaps when it's really close to the bone, and where someone is trying to make contact with a motive such as getting back together, but where time has lapsed and ego begins to level out once more, I don't think so. Of course, this is more true where there is mutual respect. not always the case!
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Yes camper my friend you're right. Well, you're right in your respective perspective. You know I got your back
Goatsbreath Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 You should've text her saying "You broke my heart, now God broke your grandpas". oh c'mon, it was funny. Now everyone, say something dysfunctional in your next social encounter, its fun
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 oh c'mon, it was funny. Now everyone, say something dysfunctional in your next social encounter, its fun Lmao goat no idea if that was sarcastic or not.
Goatsbreath Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Lmao goat no idea if that was sarcastic or not. no sarcasm, it really is fun...... sometimes I do it in the lunchroom at work to see if people are really paying attention to me or just thinking about what they are going to say next.
CaliGuy Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I just found out through her little cousin that her Grandpa died on thursday of this week. I heard nothing from her about it but I felt it might be a good idea to extend an invitation to talk about that if she needs to. I sent her a message on facebook telling her I like her grandpa and I was sorry to hear he had died. I said I was wondering how she was doing with the situation and i left it at that. I dont know if this was a good idea or not. I feel like I'm being the bigger person and trying to help.Even though about a month ago I told her I didn't want to be her friend and I didn't want to talk to her anymore because of her cheating on me. Was it a good idea or should I have not even gone there? Not a good idea. While unfortunate, it's not really your issue anymore. She has friends and family to help her through this. You are not part of her life anymore. Let her go and live your life.
a_f_w Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I wouldn't initiate contact if I found out my ex was suffering some kind of tragedy or loss. I think I would, however, send a letter to her family - since I was quite close to her parents and others - but I wouldn't ever speak to or refer to my ex. She has a new boyfriend to talk to about all that kind of stuff, so it would be strange for me to offer to help, anyway. Plus it would be a dishonest offer, since I wouldn't actually want to see or hear from her about it, or anything else.
Goatsbreath Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I wouldn't initiate contact if I found out my ex was suffering some kind of tragedy or loss. I think I would, however, send a letter to her family - since I was quite close to her parents and others - but I wouldn't ever speak to or refer to my ex. She has a new boyfriend to talk to about all that kind of stuff, so it would be strange for me to offer to help, anyway. Plus it would be a dishonest offer, since I wouldn't actually want to see or hear from her about it, or anything else. I agree with this. When she dumped you she gave up not just laughing with you but also crying. She has a new support structure, let her use it and don't burden yourself. However, if you knew the family it might be appropriate to send your sympathy.
Island Girl Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 No you shouldn't have contacted her. The goings on in her life both good and bad are neither something you are a part of anymore nor should you want to be. She cheated on you. You are over as a couple and I completely understand you do not want to be friends. Who wants to be friends with someone that treats you like crap? So if you aren't friends, and I am not suggesting you should be, then why would you extend yourself to her in any way? That said, the damage is done so lesson learned, right? Just forget about her and move on completely.
Author emotionalydistraugt Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 I'm gonna go ahead and say the ones that said it was a bad idea are right. It made have made her feel better but I feel like **** again. I thought I was being a bigger person: WRONG!! She didn't deserve it. I think I ended up using it as a way to show I'm still around, don't forget. Then all I did was wait for her to respond. It was a stupid rookie mistake. Move on. NC again for it feels like the 100th time.
Fiaman Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 I actually laughed in a "I can't believe he just said that" kind of way
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