Dantes Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 I have a close female friend who doesn't know many people in the area. I used to (and secretly still do) have feelings for her but being the incapable blithering fool that I am I successfully managed to destroy any chance of a relationship. A few days ago I invited her out to join me and some other friends who she didn't know on a night out in hope that she would make some more local friends. I drove round to her house, picked her up and we set off to meet everyone else. She got on really well with everyone at the meal and we all quite happily took a cab to a local club. We all danced for a while before she disappeared. I text her to see where she was and she told me that she wasn't feeling very well and had gone outside to get some air but would be back soon. I walk outside to check on her to find her talking to some guy and decide to leave her to it. I text her again later to find out if she wanted to go home to which she replied she had already got a cab back to her house with this guy. I felt hurt because I had put a lot of effort into trying to make her feel comfortable around my friends and she hadn't even bothered to say goodbye. I usually wouldn't have minded but the fact that I had gone out of my way to pick her up, buy her the odd drink and made sure she felt comfortable all evening. To make matters somewhat worse I knew that she had arranged to meet this guy previously, only she never thought to tell me. She lied about feeling ill as an excuse to go and meet him. That is what hurts the most. I can only take it as an insult to my intelligence (as little as it may be) that she would think I would just accept her poor attempt at lying. To add salt to my wounds she texts me later saying "Sorry about earlier, I really didn't feel very well". I haven't been in touch with her since. Although this is problematic I was thinking maybe I could use this to my advantage. I never usually tell people when I have a problem with them and instead just grow apart from them, usually a terrible approach but in this case I feel it might just have its uses. If I can remind myself about all the other times she has let me down (which she has) I may just be able to stop loving her. I feel stupid for being so smitten but I have felt like this since I met her two years ago, despite all the crap. We have booked to go and see a friend in Spain together next weekend so I'm not sure what to do. It may be somewhat awkward and childish of me to let this go unnoticed but how else will we survive the trip? Am I blowing this out of proportion? She obviously doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong, but then again she doesn't think me smart enough to even work out her most obvious lie. Help?!
Author Dantes Posted February 14, 2009 Author Posted February 14, 2009 Just thought I would add that she is a very private person when it comes to dating and relationships. She has never once mentioned to me any guys she fancies and becomes shy when people tell her about her admirers. She has never asked me who I like either, possibly dreading the answer since I have told her a while ago how I felt. Maybe she just wanted some privacy? But then why not just say so, and why arrange to meet him when she knows damn well the trouble I went through for her. Maybe she still knows how I feel about her and doesn't want to hurt my feelings by rubbing my face in it? I'd love to think that was the reason, fool that I am. I'm sick of thinking about it and don't really want to confide in anyone with this. Any advice?
kashmir Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 If she wants to be a skank just let her be that way and don't associate with her. Show her the consequences of the lifestyles she chooses, which includes losing any friendships or potential relationships with decent guys like you.
Ronni_W Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Dantes, There's nothing inherently "wrong" with feeling angry. The emotion is there to indicate that we're feeling disappointed, frustrated and/or sad. That is, we feel anger when we are not getting what we want out of life, whether that be from our relationships, career, financial situation, whatever. Anger over other people's actions or inaction also indicates that we are only looking at things from our own perspective (with our own needs, wants and interests in mind), and not also taking into account their needs, wants, personality, strengths, fears, weaknesses, etc., etc. It's what we do with our anger, how we express it, that can be "healthy" or "dysfunctional". I'm reading that you lack self-confidence and the ability to communicate assertively. Your unwillingness to verbalize when you have problems suggests that you are afraid of conflict, or to "rock the boat". You also make assumptions about what/why others are thinking and doing, and then you take what are merely your assumptions and believe them as if they are facts. For example, "she doesn't think me smart enough to even work out her most obvious lie." In truth, YOU are the one calling your Self an "incapable blithering fool" -- YOU feel 'not smart enough' but you are ignoring that it is your self-assessment. Instead, you're telling yourself (BSing yourself) that SHE thinks you're stupid and socially inadequate. So. Your anger is "justified" in the sense that you're feeling frustrated and disappointed and sad. BUT. Directing your anger at her would be misguided. She is not the source of your frustration/anger. What is causing that is actually your own lack of effective communication, coping and relationship skills. Put another way, YOU are the source of your own frustrations. She is just someone who triggers within you, your own lack of confidence and esteem, and feelings of inadequacy, incompetence, etc. There are no quick fixes. And you can start anywhere. This article on assertive communication may be helpful. < ezinearticles.com/?Assertive-Communication---6-Tips-For-Effective-Use&id=10259 >. Here's a link to a free 'emotional intelligence' book: http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm It will be a work-in-progress, obviously. Be kind to yourself, and keep a sense of adventure and playfulness. Growing one's self-awareness, and learning/mastering more effective life skills, does take effort and courage...and lots of practice!...but the rewards are well worth it. Best of luck.
norajane Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 The only reason her behavior is bothering you is that you have feelings for her and are pretending that you don't have feelings for her and trying to be "just friends" and hanging out with her. Either be honest about how you feel, or stop trying to be friends with her. It never works to pretend.
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