Mandy04 Posted October 1, 2003 Posted October 1, 2003 I need some advice, today at school a bestfriend of mine said she wanted us to come stay the night with her this coming friday because she had to tell us something about a doctor she had been to. We're all 17, (one 18), and cheerleaders... physically fit, not over weight. Well Kristin is about my size, 5'0" 105 lbs. We were anxious to know the news so we made her tell us today. She said she was bulemic. We were so shocked. We knew she had stopped drinking cokes and just drank water and complained that she'd get fat if she ate this and that. But this is a surprise to us. We all started crying because we feel sorry for her and want to help her in any way. Problem is, we dont really know how. We're scared for her because shes starting to feel some of the side effects of doing that. Her body is messed up, she hasnt had her period in a while, she doesnt have bowel movements like normal, and the acid from her stomach is hurting her throat and shes got acid reflux. She said shes been doing it for about 2months straight but that the past two nights she made herself not do it. But she says its like drugs, once you do it, you cant stop because fear of getting fat. My mom told me its more a mental thing than physical. We talked after school a little when she wasnt around because she has a class but we leave before her (seniors). We thought about instead of going after school to go eat junk food and pizza and stuff, maybe take her out and go eat something healthy, and maybe join the local fitness club thing. To show her that what shes doing isnt the way to loose weight or stay the same weight, the way is to eat healthy and exercise. But Im also aware that there are some things you shouldnt tell a bulemic person because it will upset them or make the matter worse, what i would like to know is what are some encouraging things to tell them and what should we not tell her. We are just trying to get more informed about what is going on with her, so we can help her because we love her and dont want anything to happen to her. Your replies are appreciated.. Thank you!
jalexy Posted October 1, 2003 Posted October 1, 2003 Ok, I want you to listen to me and take my advice. I used to have severe eating problems and so I know exactly what goes on inside their heads. First of all, There is NOTHING you can do. I would advise you to tell her that you will be her friend, but you will not encourage her actions. I think that you should never make comments to her about her body- EVER. saying "you are sooo skinny" makes her want to get even skinnier, and could also make her feel bad, but either way, its no good. Do not comment on her food that she eats or doesnt eat. You basically just have to act as though she does not have an ED. I hope that she does get some counseling but in reality,it doesnt really work. Getting over such a problem comes from within and thats it. I had been to tons of dr's, and i went to some groups where i talked with other girls who had the same problem. she needs to realize that its not about food, and you might want to know that too. its abotu control over one's "out of control" life. when you dont eat, or throw your food up, you are administering complete control over some aspect of you life, when you feel you cant control any other aspect. the weight loss/gain is just a by product. when she has a bad day, she might say "i feel so fat" or she might starve herself, but by doing either or both of these, she is just pushing away her feelings about her bad day (which she cant really control) and focusing them onto something she can control- her weight, food, etc. doing this numbs her and she "feels no feelings" does this make sense? i dont really expect it to, to a normal person. i have completely recovered and sometimes i cannot even understand ppl with ed's now. but i know what happens during one. I will say, do not be shocked if her weight fluctuates. Most ED'd people do not stick with just one eating disorder. Most, like myself, experience almost all of them. Anorexia, bulimia and compulsive overeating. You have to take care of yourself and do what you need to do. You cannot save her, please realize that. People with eating disorders Live or die, thats it.if they dont recover and have the will to live, they die. Thats just how it is.
Author Mandy04 Posted October 1, 2003 Author Posted October 1, 2003 Ok, I see. Thank you so much. I also had problems, i had mesintaric artery syndrome, where my mesintaric artery that comes off the aorta was wrapped around my intestines and i had no fat in me so it was squeezing them and no food could go through, so it stayed in me and made me so sick to my stomach. But i wouldnt throw up. I had to have a feeding tube and do numerous things to try to gain weight so my insides wouldnt be putting stress on one another. At first everyone thought i was bulemic or anorexic, but in reality i wasnt and it hurt me so bad because everyone was so convinced and looked down on me. I know she needs support, because its a reality for her. Im going to try to make it clear to my other friends that comments should not be thrown at her, in any way, maybe just on the fact that she *didnt* do what shes doing. She has that doc. appt friday morning, so maybe they will put her on some medicine or help her in some way. I understand though, its all up to her, and her controll. She says its like drugs, once you start, you cant stop. Im also going to explain to them about the feelings and controll thing, I believe that part.
HokeyReligions Posted October 1, 2003 Posted October 1, 2003 Be honest and tell her that you don't know what to do or say, but that you WANT to help her and that you are and will be supportive of her. If she is going to counseling (& she should be) you might even ask her if it would be okay for you to go with her and talk to her counselor and ask some specific questions or offer to participate in counseling with her if she and her doctor think that might help. Make the offers seriously - she might take you up on them. check into some support groups for family members too - talk to her parents and see if they are also going to counseling or if they have any recommendations. Don't do it behind your friends back though. Educate yourself on what her body is going through and some of the psychological patterns she may be experiencing.
Author Mandy04 Posted October 2, 2003 Author Posted October 2, 2003 Ok, today I talked to her a lot more and she started telling me more about the mental part shes going through. She says she felt like she wasn't herself when she started gaining weight, this summer. Her exact words were 'I feel like... if im not 90 lbs (her previous weight), who am I?' I told her I can sorta relate to her because while i was really sick too, i had to get used to the fact that i wasnt as little as i used to be, and for me it was a good thing but it was a *big* thing for me. I felt so much better with my weight gain. I told her that she needs to realize that just because her size changed and is changing, that doesnt mean SHE did as a person and that its just something she'll have to realize as she grows. I also told her that she and other people around her will realize that she looks alot better with more weight, and after a while she will get used to it. Who she is doesnt depend on her weight. Its hard to explain, especially to her. But am i on the right track with advice to her? Anything else i should say?
jalexy Posted October 2, 2003 Posted October 2, 2003 just a kind word of advice, most ppl dont listen to other peoples advice, especially an ed'd person. so dont stress yourself over this ok, it will hurt the friendship.
shopgrl Posted December 10, 2003 Posted December 10, 2003 Mandy04- I'm not sure if you still check this thread but in case you do.... I hope your friend is doing well. I was anorexic and bulimic for years. It started when I was 14. Gosh.. 14.... I was so young... I went through one psychologist after another and none of them helped because I was not ready to be helped. I had the support of friends and family but that didn't mean anything. I was under 80lbs ( I'm 5'4'') and pretty close to dying when I was admitted into a hospital. Doctors said if I would've waited a few days, I would've died. I'll never forget the day I looked in my mirror and finally saw myself, what I truly looked like. I was a skelatin... I hardly even recognized myself. Before that day, I always saw myself as being fat. That's when I decided to admit myself into a hospital. I was in the hospital for about 1 month b/c my parents allowed me to come home at my 85% mark which was 104lb (85% of the weight I was supposed to be at). I should have stayed in longer. I was released the day before Thanksgiving. I went back to my old ways off an on for years to follow. Now, at 25 years old, I still have an eating disorder, I just control it. I now weigh anywhere from 110-120, my weight flucuates alot. Still to this day, sometime when I look in the mirror I see myself as being fat but I would never go back to starving myself or binging and purging. I now look back and regret what I've put my body through. I don't think that anyone truly understands eating disorders unless you've been through one. I agree with Jalexy-- it's a control issue. Eating disorders have little or nothing to do with being or feeling "fat". Anorexics/Bulimics feel as though they cannot control anything in their life. And eating, starving, binging, purging, excessive exercises and weight control is something he/she can control. The more weight you loose the more you want to loose. You control it. As strange as it sounds, there's just about nothing you, your friends or family can do to help your friend. She has to want help in order to receive it. From your post, it doesn't sound like she's ready to be helped. I get the impression that she was almost advertising to you that she was bulimic. Most anorexics and bulimics are very secretive about it. Just like you cannot make an alcoholic put down a drink, you cannot make an anorexic eat and you cannot make a bulimic quit binging and purging. Please realize that anorexia and bulima are like diseases.... something you have forever but have to learn to control. Some say it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. Don't tell your friend she looks too skinny, don't tell her she looks gross, don't tell her to eat.... saying those things will only encourage her too loose more weight. Treat her as you would any of your friends without eating disorders. Just be understanding and listen to her if she comes to you. Pay attention to the words she says, she may be reaching out for help. I can go on for days about eating disorders. I feel for you, your friend and her family. It may be helpful for her to speak with someone who has gone through an eating disorder rather than a psychologist or someone who's never been there. I'd be more than willing to speak with her whenever she's ready for help. PS-- I think your post said something about your friend not feeling like herself. From my experience, I wasn't myself when I was going through my eating disorder. It's like someone or something takes over your body and you can't stop the eating disorder. It's a very strange disorder. I wish your friend the best.
Girlie Posted December 11, 2003 Posted December 11, 2003 I, too, wish your friend luck. As someone else said, there's little that you can do other than continue to be there for her. I struggled with an eating disorder and it's not pretty, and it leaves others feeling helpless because there's nothing they can do. Just be there. While I was going through my recovery, one of my friends did something I thought was really sweet. They spent some time reading up on anorexia and recovery and things like that, and I'll never forget them for taking the time to try to get some sort of understanding as to what I was going through. And things like that are really about all anyone can do because the recovery is something you have to do for yourself.
spicyhot Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 i wish your friend lots of luck! i recently have become bulemic and i want to stop and i tell myself i will but everyday i find a way to go to a bathroom and puke. I know several of my friends who do it and one lost her weight down to 105lb. i know why i started it but i dont kno why i still do it. about three months ago my boyfriend dumped me and said we'd go back out within the next week he just needed time, we were everything together i mean like perfect. and we got in a fight b/c i heard he was doin things with other girls. i have some what gotten over it and now i'm starting something with someone new. I recevied a textmessage from my ex asking "so i hear your in love with ***** now?!" i replied with a yes. he told me that he was really missing me and that we should think about gettin back together. this kinda messed up my other relationship. I started to cry and told him i had waited 2.5 months for him and i'm not gunna turn around after he had been treating me like crap and i've moved on. everyday hed make gay comments about me and this new guy saying things along the lines of "i hope you two have something special together i guess u have no more time left for me." things like that and one day he totally snaped. thats when i started to do this. It was just me and my brother home at the time we had ordered pizza. I ended up being so upset i went down ate 4.5 slices and all this easter chocolate candy and crap. then about 20mins later my parents had come home and left leaving me with my sister and takin my brother. wen i knew they were gone i went into my bathroom and puked up everything i had. I honestly felt better. The next day wen i got home from school i ate a little then went into the bathroom and threw it up again this went on for about 2 weeks now and the other day was really weird. my friend had told me not to get caught b/c she has to go to all these dr.s and i wouldnt want all that. so i told my mom i waa sgunna take a shower locked all the doors turned on the water and my music really loud. then i knelt down and i threw up until i couldnt anymore. i dont remember ever thinking i was fat i mean i'm 5'4" and i weigh 115-120 and i'm only 15!!!! but i guess i figured even though i dont want my ex back and i'm happy with this other guy now if i lost weight i'd want me more. he's always told me i had a perfect body, i even got picked out of 200 girls to be a model (not to sound conceded) and everyone always used to comment on me being skinny but i think i could be thinner and i want to be! my parents would never guess that i'm bulemic and i like it that way but they tell me the way i eat and wat i eat is horrible (if only they knew) and i dont know wat to do but i dont want to stop--not yet!
spicyhot Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 sorry i went on about all that stuff before and about things that dont matter but i thought that was the link to my bulima
jmargel Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 Spicy it does matter. Its good that you admit you have a problem. Sounds like you have a problem dealing with stress and not having control over the matter with your ex, so you subsitute that by doing this to your body. Do you have a caring mom? If so, please talk to her. You would be surprised what parents have gone through in their lives. They once were young like you are. You fear losing your current bf? If you want a successful relationship you need to communicate. That's something you aren't doing. No one is going to hate you or hurt you because this is happening. As for the ex, if he leaves you messages, don't read them. He's only being selfish and cares only about himself.
Girlie Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 Spicy....Please think about talking to someone and getting some help. I know you said you at the end of your message you don't want to stop yet, but you do realize if you keep going, you could end up dead. I know that you probably think you have it under control and can stop anytime you want, but that's not the way this whole things works. Trust me. Talk to your parents or some other adult that you feel you can trust.
shopgrl Posted March 19, 2004 Posted March 19, 2004 spicyhot- I'm sure you read through my post above but I just wanted to comment that reading your post makes me think of myself when I was your age. I'm 25 now but gosh, I remember going through what you are 10 years ago. Please get help before you really hurt yourself. There are so many physical problems caused by your disease. Please, don't ruin your high shool years like I did. The longer you continue doing these things, the worse it is.
VonDutch15 Posted March 20, 2004 Posted March 20, 2004 I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. I've been through eating disorders and if it wasn't for my friends, I would have never gotten past it. They needed to get me help. At first, I wasn't happy with them. But, I needed it and I'm VERY greatful for their "interference." I just wanted to tell you, that you are doing the right thing... :0) You are a true friend!
Thinkalot Posted March 22, 2004 Posted March 22, 2004 I've never been anorexic or bulemic, but I HAVE had an eating disorder, which involved obsessively counting calories, and planning my day around my meals, or lack of meals. It was about control for sure. Plus my tendency to get stuck obsessively on things. BUT it ended up controlling me. Life stopped being carefree and fun. It is no way to be. It can be beaten, and life gets better again. And you will remain a good weight for you anyway! Good luck.
tropical dreamz Posted June 28, 2004 Posted June 28, 2004 I really wish I could help you in terms of your friend, there's not a real solution but I feel I can relate. I agree with some of teh other reply's you recieved though, I think she has to figure out where the root of this is coming from and then recovery will be alot easier. If she can't, then I wouldn't eat alot around her, Im also bulemic and dont know exactly where my life got out of control but every week I make a new attempt to stop. Chocolate however is my downfall. Im fine for about 3 days then I feel reality starts to kick in and I go to the bathroom to "take a shower" as somebody else said . Im just upset because I make so many attempts to stop this behavior but I cant. Im going to set personal goals for myself though. My goal is 30 days-it's a leap...but I want control of my body and mind and I want to be, I need to be a stronger person. Maybe if she sets goals for herself, even a couple of days to start then maybe she would want to try for a week afterall, she would be half way there.Last year I was overweight. I practically starved myself -lost 30 pounds and suffered from depression along the line. This year I started eating alot of junk food and indulging when I go out which made me gain wieght almost 15 pounds. Then I became obsessed with going to the gym to keep the weight off. Neither of my attempts were succesful becauase I binge and purge now. I found this is a way to fullfill the emptyness I feel inside and stay slim. I already suffered from acid-reflux and this makes it even worse-I can only imagine, but I never had the guts to talk to anybody about my problems because I feel ashamed and embaressed, and im only fifteen. I think your friend had alot of courage to confront you about this. Just being there, being supportive, and delicate with the situation is the best to do for now. I wish her the best of luck with recovery-I know it's a struggle but she's definitly not alone in the battle, she is also very lucky to have a caring friend to help her through this.
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