Author jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Im supposed to see him in the next few days for a meeting. I wish we didnt have to meet in person. Its been months and months since we have seen each other. I think it will be awkward. Moreso because I am no longer interested in being overly nice and smoothing things over to create a rapport. Im just not sure I can stomach it anymore. Its all such a mess. But I guess thats what you get. It wouldnt be any different if he were single. Same awkwardness when you have to deal with someone you used to date if things didnt end amicably. I guess that is just how it goes. Cant avoid him forever.... tho I have done my best LOL
Author jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Still having a difficult time with this. I cant seem to wrap my mind around how sincerely selfish he really is. Its all so disorienting. Its probably good that I finally see it. But it just doesnt compute in my mind that this person who I held in such high esteem and would have trusted with anything, is so self involved that I probably shouldnt trust him to tell me if the sky is blue. Because if its in his interest to say no he will find a way to rationalize saying no... yes he apologized and yes peace reigns once again (thank God for that) but... you cant unring a bell. Now that I realize how manipulative he is, I dont see him the same way. I suppose it will take some time for the knowledge to settle in. And to accept it and be OK with the fact that I was so blind for so long. I always assumed that we both had each others best interests at heart despite the fact that the A was over so long ago. Now I know better. He has my best interests in mind when its convenient for him. And he twists things around in ways that I never noticed before. I would get upset but I was never quite sure if I was being overly sensitive. But I can see now I wasnt. I am beginning to wish I had never met him. Its all very disturbing.
Owl Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 JJ, this is exactly why LC does NOT work to let you recover from the affair. It leaves the door open...at least in his mind. It allows him to continue to "skirt the limits" with you. This is one of the reasons why I'd pushed you so hard ages ago to do a FULL NC instead of this. Until something happens to massively change the situation (i.e...he gets caught, or he gets fired, etc...), you can expect him to keep doing exactly what he's doing.
Author jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 I know Owl but what I supposed to do? Give up my clients and industry relationships because I wont speak to him? I would bankrupt myself. I cant do that. Our client relationships are so intertwined that not speaking to him at all would be disasterous. Client: Can you call x for me about abc? Me: sorry i dont speak to him anymore ??? Not speaking to him would mean leaving the industry and retraining in another field. Not going to happen at my age when I worked so hard to become a success doing what I am doing. But my attitude towards it has changed. I used to look back fondly. now I look back with loathing. Hopefully that will make a difference. Since I slammed him a few days ago he has not contacted me which is a good sign. He may finally have gotten the message.
Author jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 What is frustrating is we never see each other almost never talk (do everything by email) have no personal relationship whatsoever and yet he still thinks its ok to push the boundaries. Its like what is left is the worst bits of what was. But I suppose that is who he is. I think he is like that with everyone and this is not directed at me. I just never saw it before.
Owl Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Well, the only thing I could suggest in that case would be some polite blackmail. "Back off. If you 'push the envelope' with me one more time, I'm going to your wife." Other than that, I guess you're just in a position where you're stuck until some other major factor forces a change.
Author jj33 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 Ive thought of that. Believe me I have. But if I declared war, he could bad mouth me in the industry and I would never know it was him. I dont think he would do that to me. But I also never thought he would act out of such self interest.
Owl Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 How often have you seen those strong feelings of love/lust/whatever turn to equally powerful negative feelings of hate/anger/revenge on this forum? Be very aware that this could come down from HIS side of this at any point as well. If you continue to refuse to let him "back in", he may well start down that path on his own...take steps NOW to protect yourself in case he does follow that path. He's already shown you a side of himself you've never suspected.
woe_is_me Posted March 12, 2009 Posted March 12, 2009 sorry to bring this thread back up but it's where i posted last time i was here i haven't been here since then, still haven't seen him but have very much heard from him .. i come here thinking ill just read a bit of this and a bit of that and end up really really really not liking him .. he's now saying that he ended it 'way back when' because im 'psycho' ...thats nice lol.. charming how hes trying to go to work on my self-esteem and any resistance or bitchiness at him because he's hello..duh married!! is seen as 'a tantrum' LOLOL... what is he my Dad!!??? im in a bit of disbelief ... but as long as ya'll keep posting... i'll keep reading.. ive been good at ignoring him but it's sad that i may now have to change my own numbers or email address ..they're not leaving his head ..nothing about me has from the sound of it...but he still has the ability to give me 'false hopes' and my mother said to tell him not to contact me until he is divorced and has an engagement and wedding ring for me ... bahahahha as if that's going to happen.. changing numbers .. WOW
Author jj33 Posted March 13, 2009 Author Posted March 13, 2009 Woe is me. If he says he ended it because you were a psycho dont take his calls. You dont have to change your email and phone just block his emails (label them spam and they will immediately be sent to the bin and you wont see them) just block his phone calls or click off when he calls. If you think its too much temptation then change your number by all means. Im doing great thank you. xMM acknowledged that he knows that I would never be happy with an A and there is no going back. Things have been easier between us since then. We do our business and leave it at that. Now that its all out in the open we were able to put it to rest. Hes contemplating leaving (again) but thats something he needs to mull over on his own. By the time he finishes pondering I may be involved with someone else. Who knows. Or he may ponder and never leave. I cant concern myself with it. I just hope he finds happiness whatever he decides. We dont talk when we see each other unless we have to, which has led one person to think we are having an affair (a little behind the times there) but there is no need for small talk. And no need to spend time together in a social setting. So its all good. I reconnected with someone who wants to go out with me (not interested) and someone else who I might be interested in if he asks me out. So I am moving on.
woe_is_me Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 i wish i read your post before i last spoke to him because it's done .. i dont think i put it quite as nicely as you did jj .. i swore at him and was mean .. i was sad the next day and really wanted to take it all back .. ffwd a few days and im fine .. it's kind of nice to know he can't think of me as an option now .. because i can't really deal with having to share him and yeah im babbling now i just wanted you to know it's over .. he will detest that behaviour from me ..which is good!! i didn't think i would be so 'not worried' because obviously the fact that he is still in his marriage (and seems even more protective of it now..than he was then ..)well that tells me a lot ..and it really doesn't 'sit' well with me .. .. kind of like feeling constantly ill im out .. if im not there then there's nothing to protect right .. like you said jj they need to figure this stuff out on their own .. i never thought i'd get that nasty but i guess it had to happen..
Author jj33 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Dont beat yourself up. Hes hurt you and he wasnt kind about things and you were upset. Its just the way it goes. There is no rule that says you need to stuff your emotions because its not ladylike - well there are "rules" (dont let em see you sweat etc) but they are not rules you need to follow. I am always happier when I speak my mind and if cursing him out was what you needed to do then that is fine. Hes a big boy, he will get over it. Let him go cry to his wife.... Hang in there. It may take time but it will pass. I promise you. I never thought it would, but it did. And you will come out stronger and happier. Take good care
GreenEyedLady Posted March 20, 2009 Posted March 20, 2009 I'm really sorry to hear about this jj... I don't have any really good advice, just wanted to let you know that you're heard.... (((jj33)))
Author jj33 Posted March 20, 2009 Author Posted March 20, 2009 Thanks GEL. I appreciate it. Its all fine now. Apparently he forgets that I am not his wife (not even his OW) and thought it would be perfectly normal for us to send something together... (hes a little flakier than I thought...) and he is now thinking (again) of leaving etc etc. I am just letting him do whatever pondering he needs to do.. He is moving at glacial speed and may never decide anything. But we are getting along better than we have in a long long time things are back to normal (but for the fact that the A is over). Will be interesting to see what he decides, if he ever decides anything.
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