shayna Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Its been over a year and a half (almost 20 months) since he left me after 9 years. I've had good days and very dark days as expected- I was doing much better around Christmas as he and I were still in some occasional touch. He even tried to get me into bed around that time to which I said no. He is now with someone new. I've tried so hard to prepare myself for this and I'm surviving but there's a constant hole in my stomach and a sadness I can't get rid of. I've not dated yet- I'm 34 and in a med school class with folks who are mostly 10 years younger than I. There is just no one who is single it seems- someone closer to my own age. I have entered this anger phase toward my ex that I haven't been able to get out of for months. I stay busy, I go to counselling, I spend time with friends, I try not to think about him (and his new girl) but the hole in my stomach won't leave. I'm obviously depressed but I've tried 6 medications, none of which helped at all. I can even stop them cold-turkey and I feel fine (and this is cold turkey off a huge dose!). That's not normal. I'm scared I'll be alone because of the damage this breakup has done to me and because there's no one even on the horizon. I'm ripping myself apart too- that is, I'm starting to think that I must be ugly or fat or just plain boring. I don't know what else I can do to feel better. I feel disappointed in myself that I'm thinking about him even now- even when our relationship was emotionally abusive the whole time (him toward me). I've cut off all contact- its been 3 weeks now. It hasn't helped. I really never want to see him ever again- and I doubly don't want to EVER see him with his new young girl toy (oddly enough- she is very similar to me, as young as I was when we first started dating). I hate her by association. Yeah I know, that's not fair but that's just how I feel and I can't change that. I'm scared they'll be engaged very soon because that's what many guys do after getting out of a LTR in their 30s. I don't think he deserves to be happy after how he treated me. I hate him now. Unfortunately I can't leave town as I have two more years of school to complete (and transferring isn't an option). I can't stand this any longer. I can't stand who he's made me become!!
dethfire Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 You say you don't want to be with him, yet you still feel poorly. This means it's not about him even though you are making it seem so. He seems to have his life back on track and you don't. This makes you feel depressed and jealous. This may actually paralyze you instead of making you feel like you feel like running out and getting a new life. Again realize this is no longer about him. This is about you feeling lost in your world. He is irrelevant to your world now. He does not factor in any of your decisions. Do not make him into your savior or life messiah. I've been through horrific endings to a 6yr and 3yr relationship and I've had countless nightmares and breakdowns from them. There is no magic pill to cure you. In fact there is nothing you can do to block the pain. So don't. Go to your bedroom and breakdown. You need to bottom out. Take a long hot shower and lay in the tub. Think reflectively about what has happened and what you want. Find comfort in friends and find new friends. You'll never forget him, but by finding new friends and people to love you can heal faster. Life is loss and that is the most difficult lesson in life. And unfortunately unless you are a Tibetan Buddhist you won't ever completely learn. But take comfort in the fact that in a short 5 years I bet you are perfectly fine, healthy and stronger than ever with new people who care about you and want you in their life. And lastly, you aren't alone. The world seems cold because most people hide their problems with a smile, but everyone you pass on the street is full of secret tragedies. Always express yourself, never repress.
Blessings Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Hey Shayna... Obviously you're going to feel hurt, you were with him for so long...I'm sorry to hear you're going through this because i KNOW how painful it is...That hold in your chest that never leaves no matter how distracted you are...I don't know what words of encouragement to give you but I wanted to ask you a few questions.. Are you still in love with him? If given the chance would you take him back? If never saw him again would you care? Answer them honestly and then if the answer to those questions is NO then believe me, you will get over this sooner than later...if you still love him and hate him at the same time, then thats the tough part.
Blessings Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 You say you don't want to be with him, yet you still feel poorly. This means it's not about him even though you are making it seem so. He seems to have his life back on track and you don't. This makes you feel depressed and jealous. This may actually paralyze you instead of making you feel like you feel like running out and getting a new life. Again realize this is no longer about him. This is about you feeling lost in your world. He is irrelevant to your world now. He does not factor in any of your decisions. Do not make him into your savior or life messiah. I've been through horrific endings to a 6yr and 3yr relationship and I've had countless nightmares and breakdowns from them. There is no magic pill to cure you. In fact there is nothing you can do to block the pain. So don't. Go to your bedroom and breakdown. You need to bottom out. Take a long hot shower and lay in the tub. Think reflectively about what has happened and what you want. Find comfort in friends and find new friends. You'll never forget him, but by finding new friends and people to love you can heal faster. Life is loss and that is the most difficult lesson in life. And unfortunately unless you are a Tibetan Buddhist you won't ever completely learn. But take comfort in the fact that in a short 5 years I bet you are perfectly fine, healthy and stronger than ever with new people who care about you and want you in their life. And lastly, you aren't alone. The world seems cold because most people hide their problems with a smile, but everyone you pass on the street is full of secret tragedies. Always express yourself, never repress. interesting
Author shayna Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Thanks guys... Blessings- I do allow myself to breakdown every now and then when it all gets to be too much and too frustrating. I know at this point it must be all about me- but my anger and sadness all spans from him and what he did to me for the past 10 years. The anger just wont leave! Those questions you listed are difficult to answer. Sometimes I can easily say I wouldn't go back (things would never ever work because he just wont change). But I do find myself on my weaker moments wondering "what if" years down the road- but I know I can't do this and ruin what may come up with a new man (god I hope there's a new man out there for me SOMEWHERE!!!). Right now, I never want to see my ex again- but that's only because I never want to see him be happy with this new girl- this new girl who appears to be my replica. Nothing against her directly but I hope he doesn't treat her better than he did me- because then the reason for the breakup would be because of me- and not because of a fault of his. And yes, sadly, I am still in love with him. But I also hate him with the depth of my being. How's that for an oxymoron of the worst kind? All in all, I really really miss the life we had, apart from the emotional distance he had from me the entire time. What's really killing me is that I've lost a lot of our mutual friends that we used to hang out with and climb and ski with- but now they are spending most of their time with him because he is much better at those sports and much more available (thanks to me being in school) and I was too emotional for some of them to deal with (none of them had been through such an experience and couldn't understand or relate). The toughest part about this whole experience is losing those people. I was shocked that even though they all knew how he treated me, they still became more his friends than mine. I keep telling myself I wouldn't want friends like that anyway, but I still get incredibly sad that they would do this to me! I've lost my only connections to the sports I love- and trust me, this outdoor community here is SMALL and tight!!! I wish I never met him.
Recommended Posts