My Ex gets married in 10 hrs from now

[eske]

My ex gets married in some 10 hrs ... ours was a 3 year relationship .. more of a mutual breakup.. for 2 years in our 3 yr relationship i knew that a day will come when i will be tellin her good bye.. she loves me and this marriage is not wat she was looking ahead too but circumstances r such that she couldnt say no(she is marrying as per her parents wishes) and i understand that.. i am not anti her or against her.. i dont even doubt her love for me or vice versa..

 

we have been through everything together and have always been for each other.. never physically but emotionally(i have met her just twice in 2 years that too for a day only)

 

Can some1 tell me

 

1.))) Now that she is gettin married why do i feel so heavy in the heart?? i knew this was comin my way.. i am not sad that she is not with me, but i know that i probably may not be as close to her as i was before her marriage..

 

2.))) Am i normal i still feel that i am kind of losing my friend??( i guess i still have feelings for her)

 

3.))) i have started a No Contact(just 4 days back) after speaking it over with her as i feel that its the best for "us".. i feel she also has to get out of the habit of being in touch with me and confide and get close to her husband. Am i correct here???

 

4.))) i miss the good times i shared and want to be friends with her in future and she also wants the same.. but i know this is only possible after time has gone by.. wat i am scared off is will it ever be possible???

 

There are days when i feel wat ever happens, happens for good and i have spurts of relief but just like that all of a sudden without notice tears come out of my eyes. But i guess thats the way it is..

 

Can any1 pacify or justify my feelings or answer my questions. i would love to hear from any1.. i am alone and i cant share these feelings with any1 and so i have come here..I am not in high school or anything.. i am 25 and still struggling to cope

[Peter_pan]

hey mate i know it hurts so much.

 

i think your normal for feeling this way, it shows you care deeply for her. of course you would feel something in your heart.

 

as it wasnt a messy break up i dont see why being friends in the future wouldnt work, but of course there is the issue of "feelings" to be honest friends is a strong word, i feel that ex's can be "in touch" but never friends.

 

yes you miss the good times, try and remember the not so good or "boring" times. you are young like me mate and you will meet another amazing girl, just takes time. then truly in the future you wont think its so bad.

 

time does amazing things.

[eske]

why did i never get angry on her or vice versa for not being together?? and yes wat u have told is correct.. ex's can remain in touch but not close friends.. and i in a way want her husband to be closest to her heart.. i pray that she loves her husband so much that she kinda forgets my relationship with her. and after this i cry a little and say to myself things will be better tomorrow..and that she drifting apart from me is inevitable.. she also wishes just good for me. because i know wat she has been through also.. she married under quite a lot of pressure to keep others happy.. i hope she falls in love with her husband and forgets about the times with me.. i sincerely do

[Peter_pan]

ah man that sounds sad. you will go through a roller coaster of emotions so thats also normal just gotta ride it best as you can.

 

and remember even though you had good memories with her and have particular fond memories of certain times or events they wouldn't happen the same again even if you were with that person things would always be different.

 

so basically you two where together out of choice (obviously) and but her religion dictates that it is her parents who will give her to someone of there choice?

 

i think you didnt get angry because deep down you know you cant change it so getting angry you realised wouldnt solve anything anyway

[eske]

ah man that sounds sad. you will go through a roller coaster of emotions so thats also normal just gotta ride it best as you can.

 

and remember even though you had good memories with her and have particular fond memories of certain times or events they wouldn't happen the same again even if you were with that person things would always be different.

 

so basically you two where together out of choice (obviously) and but her religion dictates that it is her parents who will give her to someone of there choice?

 

i think you didnt get angry because deep down you know you cant change it so getting angry you realised wouldnt solve anything anyway

 

Well dunno bout her religion but yes as indians(tats wat we both r) thats how it is.. arranged marriage is prevalent.. though things r changing.. her parents have been of the conservative types and she we knew it from day 1.. she didnt want to dash her parents hopes and in a way i respect that,because i too believe in the same..

 

i at times feel that i shud have fought for her and should have fought with her so that things were different.. but thats not how i am..becoz i truly did respect her decision for abiding with her parents wishes.. i feel that not fighting for her makes me a loser..but i tend to disagree.. i gave her up so that her parents could be happy and also as a result she would be happy..

Do u think i made a mistake????.. anyway nothing can be done..

 

i only hope time does something.. thats wat every1 says.. that time heals.. i am scared if it will heal this.. i am just scared... but i know i have to move.. because that is what she wants the most and i know that.. i will try my best..thanks for ur response..u r the only one who responded.. thanks again

[Peter_pan]

thats a tough one mate. you basically put her happiness above all! thats a mighty hard thing to do and now your feeling the effects of your sacrifice in a way.

 

yeah i would have fought for it cause its who i am. i did with my ex but it got me no where really.

 

so i think you did the right thing and you respected the choice of her and the parents.

[eske]

thanks i feel better.. A decision has been made.. good or bad let time decide.. i wish everything goes smoothly for her.. and she wishes same for me.. thanks mate.. thanks a lot

[eske]

1- dont be a baby

 

2- people dont stay friends after a break up they may say that they do... but one or the other party secretly resents the other.

 

3- you should not have had any contact with her or or new hubby in the first place. let them live their lives with no interference. geesh I don't want any of my ex's giving me bad advice about someone I'm goint to marry

 

4- just make new friends.

 

Let it go man... let it go.

 

1. Hmm yeah maybe u r rite.. but i am trying.

2. maybe again u r rite.. maybe i will realize this later as time goes by.. but at the current moment i wont agree to u.

3. I haven even spoken to her husband and i have never ever instigated her against him in any way..she used to tell me if she was facing any problem(arranged marriages come with there own set of problems)..but i agree to the fact that i should have started movin away from her. which i actually started to do but could manage it only partially..

4. Yeah i know i have to make new friends..

 

Thanks for ur inputs.. time to move on rite..

[MalachiX]

Look, it seems like it's too late to do anything about it and it's important to move on. It's also not worth beating yourself up over past mistakes. THAT SAID, you owe it to yourself to at least learn from your prior experiences (especially if this is likely to come up again because of your religion).

 

I believe in having a strong spiritual life but I also don't believe in making yourself miserable for something which is really more of a cultural custom rather than a spiritual tennat (I'm not hindu but, from my studies, I always saw it to be a religion which was actually very tolerant, ephasizing a variety of beliefs and the idea that there are many paths to the one truth).

 

What I'm saying is, next time something like this comes along, don't decide you are going to sacrifice your happiness and hers for her parent's happiness (which is really what it sounds like you've done).

 

This is just me, and I really don't want to come across as judgemental, but I grow tired with seeing people make themselves miserable so their parents are happy. Like I said, I respect someone who has strong beliefs and wants to abide by them. I think that is noble. I don't think it's noble to deny yourself happiness to make your conservative Mom and Pop happy. I've known a lot of Hindus and Muslims who have done this. I've also known orientals who broke off meaningful relationships because their parents didn't approve of them dating a black person.

 

It's great to pay respect to things that you value but giving something respect just because your parents say so usually doesn't have the best results. I don't respect biggotry in any form no matter how ingrained it is into a culture and I don't respect parents who make the most important decisions in their child's life because, "it's what we've always done."

 

If "things are changing" as you said part of that is the younger generation like yourself being willing to take a stand and make a change. The older ones sure as hell aren't going to beak the trend. Why would they if they had to deal with it and the possible misery it came from. If you value your faith then understand that YOU are going to be inheriting these traditions. Ask yourself if you want your children to go through the same pain you are going through now for no apparent reason than because it's tradition. You may not be able to change the situation you're in now but you can make sure that next time it happens you won't lie back and take it.

[eske]

Look, it seems like it's too late to do anything about it and it's important to move on. It's also not worth beating yourself up over past mistakes. THAT SAID, you owe it to yourself to at least learn from your prior experiences (especially if this is likely to come up again because of your religion).

 

I believe in having a strong spiritual life but I also don't believe in making yourself miserable for something which is really more of a cultural custom rather than a spiritual tennat (I'm not hindu but, from my studies, I always saw it to be a religion which was actually very tolerant, ephasizing a variety of beliefs and the idea that there are many paths to the one truth).

 

What I'm saying is, next time something like this comes along, don't decide you are going to sacrifice your happiness and hers for her parent's happiness (which is really what it sounds like you've done).

 

This is just me, and I really don't want to come across as judgemental, but I grow tired with seeing people make themselves miserable so their parents are happy. Like I said, I respect someone who has strong beliefs and wants to abide by them. I think that is noble. I don't think it's noble to deny yourself happiness to make your conservative Mom and Pop happy. I've known a lot of Hindus and Muslims who have done this. I've also known orientals who broke off meaningful relationships because their parents didn't approve of them dating a black person.

 

It's great to pay respect to things that you value but giving something respect just because your parents say so usually doesn't have the best results. I don't respect biggotry in any form no matter how ingrained it is into a culture and I don't respect parents who make the most important decisions in their child's life because, "it's what we've always done."

 

If "things are changing" as you said part of that is the younger generation like yourself being willing to take a stand and make a change. The older ones sure as hell aren't going to beak the trend. Why would they if they had to deal with it and the possible misery it came from. If you value your faith then understand that YOU are going to be inheriting these traditions. Ask yourself if you want your children to go through the same pain you are going through now for no apparent reason than because it's tradition. You may not be able to change the situation you're in now but you can make sure that next time it happens you won't lie back and take it.

 

Yeah i know where u r comin from wen u say all this.. and i agree..fortunately my parents didnt have much of a problem with this, they r open minded.. religion is not a big criterion for them..but unfortunately that was not the case with her parents.. anyway will full regards to her and her parents and MYSELF i guess we took this step of going different ways.. and yes i have learnt a lot.. this thing has got me closer to other ppl (family).. i am learning and there is a long way to go.. i am not trying to be great but yeah i had a taste of the peace one gets in giving rather than taking/asking.. thanks for ur response..

i have been of the humorous kind and am hopin to get that back.. dunno how much time that will take but it will soon..