Prim&proper Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 My ex and i broke up in dec. Two weeks ago we got back together. Last night we broke up again. He says that he loves me but it's a kind of love that you settle into and he never felt that heads over heels, walk on air, giddy kind of love that everyone talks about with me. He said he felt it once with his first love when he was 21. He's now 37. So I told him he should go look for what he wants and so we broke up. But the question I have for everyone is whether this exists? Is he describing just infactuation when you first meet someone new? He says that people say that you should know it when you meet it and he doesn't know it with me. And people talk about how everything becomes so easy when you meet the one for you, and that you should feel butterflies, etc. Is this thing he's talking about real? Is it just the deep infatuation of meeting someone new for the first times? Or does it really exists?
Dumbledore Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 You know what? - I've often wondered about that myself. Sometimes I think there is the one, and other times I'm just wondering. I will be very interested to see what other people's responses are.
not_a_happy_camper Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 i'm interested in the "it's always easy" concept of when you meet the right person. surely this isn't always true? All relationships require effort and compromise on both sides!
Trialbyfire Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 There are one of many. Each time you fall in love, you believe they're possibly the one. Then you realize after awhile, they're not. Then you break up. Then, while coping, you reinvent history and create a big, purple meanie. Then you finally let go and move on.
paperchase Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 There are one of many. Each time you fall in love, you believe they're possibly the one. Then you realize after awhile, they're not. Then you break up. Then, while coping, you reinvent history and create a big, purple meanie. Then you finally let go and move on. Some of us tend to romanticize our past loves. We do the exact opposite of creating a big, purple meanie. We excuse all flaws and put them on a pedestal in hindsight. Even after moving on, sometimes we have regret. I don't know about the one, but I do know there's a certain woman I dated 14 years ago who I left for my eventual wife whom I divorced after 10 years of marriage. I've been in love quite a few times and I've never met a woman like that old flame. If I ever see her set of qualities again I will run for the altar.
Author Prim&proper Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Paperchase, why did you leave that person? My ex says I check all of his boxes and he loves me, but he didn't feel the giddy, heads over heels feeling with me. He says that he's worried he'll make a life with me and find this person and where would it leave him? Of course, the opposite is true too which is what if he now finds that feeling and then it turns out to be not real or passing, will he regret leaving me?
Trialbyfire Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Some of us tend to romanticize our past loves. We do the exact opposite of creating a big, purple meanie. We excuse all flaws and put them on a pedestal in hindsight. Even after moving on, sometimes we have regret. I don't know about the one, but I do know there's a certain woman I dated 14 years ago who I left for my eventual wife whom I divorced after 10 years of marriage. I've been in love quite a few times and I've never met a woman like that old flame. If I ever see her set of qualities again I will run for the altar. You've conveniently forgotten their flaws or the main reason why they're an ex. Romanticizing doesn't mean they're the one and only one. What I have noticed, is that a lot of people romanticize their first real love v. puppy love or infatuation. My theory on that is that with your first real love, you don't hold back for the purposes of self-protection. When both sides are in a similar mindset, it can be mind-blowing.
movingonandon Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Some of us tend to romanticize our past loves. We do the exact opposite of creating a big, purple meanie. We excuse all flaws and put them on a pedestal in hindsight. Even after moving on, sometimes we have regret. I don't know about the one, but I do know there's a certain woman I dated 14 years ago who I left for my eventual wife whom I divorced after 10 years of marriage. I've been in love quite a few times and I've never met a woman like that old flame. If I ever see her set of qualities again I will run for the altar. I do that. I don't necessarily romanticise my ex, but rather understand that she's a great person in spite of all her flaws and craziness that eventually pushed us apart. She'll probably always have a place in my heart, but it does not mean that she's been "the one", or that I'll love somebody else any less - it will just be different.
Rafa Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I have only felt the "heads over heels, walk on air, giddy kind of feeling" twice in my life. In fact I have it now. It doesn't mean that you are necessarily perfect for each other. The first time I felt it, I stayed with the girl for many years but ultimately she wasn't right for me (we fought a lot). I've then had relationships where it started out slower, initially just liking the person (but not in a crazy/butterflies way), and then gradually turning into love over time. That can be a pretty good relationship, and quite healthy. The problem is, once you've tasted the madness of 'crazy love', it's hard not to miss it sometimes, and you can end up questioning a relationship that doesn't have it. For the first time in a decade I've started to have the crazy feeling again about a new girlfriend. All my friends are saying "wow, I haven't seen you this passionate about a girl in so long", etc. Also, I have to say that yes... "I just knew". After about an hour of meeting her I thought, "omg I could marry this girl". I have never felt that before so quickly! It will be interesting to see what happens...
paperchase Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Paperchase, why did you leave that person? My ex says I check all of his boxes and he loves me, but he didn't feel the giddy, heads over heels feeling with me. He says that he's worried he'll make a life with me and find this person and where would it leave him? Of course, the opposite is true too which is what if he now finds that feeling and then it turns out to be not real or passing, will he regret leaving me? I left her because I kept cheating on her and then coming back to her. I felt like she was too good for me. I was a bad boy back then and I was looking for a bad girl. Big mistake because the bad girl I married got the best of me and almost destroyed my life. The one I left behind is completely closed off to me. I call her a few times a year and we chat, but it's distant. I haven't seen her in about 13 years and will probably never see her again. The value I put on certain qualities now is different that what I valued back then. Maturity goes a long way to identifying what is right for you.
paperchase Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I have only felt the "heads over heels, walk on air, giddy kind of feeling" twice in my life. In fact I have it now. It doesn't mean that you are necessarily perfect for each other. The first time I felt it, I stayed with the girl for many years but ultimately she wasn't right for me (we fought a lot). I've then had relationships where it started out slower, initially just liking the person (but not in a crazy/butterflies way), and then gradually turning into love over time. That can be a pretty good relationship, and quite healthy. The problem is, once you've tasted the madness of 'crazy love', it's hard not to miss it sometimes, and you can end up questioning a relationship that doesn't have it. For the first time in a decade I've started to have the crazy feeling again about a new girlfriend. All my friends are saying "wow, I haven't seen you this passionate about a girl in so long", etc. Also, I have to say that yes... "I just knew". After about an hour of meeting her I thought, "omg I could marry this girl". I have never felt that before so quickly! It will be interesting to see what happens... Well right now I'm reeling from a similar relationship. We met and I wasn't all that enamored. I had other options. But she was crazy about me and I fell really hard for her. We were riding high for a little less than a year and then something changed in her. We broke up but I kept trying to fix what was wrong. I beat myself up real bad looking for answers. I did a little NC and she chased me again, but she never wanted to make the relationship official and we never recaptured the magic. On February 4th I found out she's got a new flame and she slammed the door on us hard. I suspect this person's been in the picture for some time which is why she was so disinterested and unwilling to work on us towards the end. She moved on a while back and she's found my replacement so life is good for her. She's chasing that good feeling of falling in love. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. I did not have a plan B and I'm truthfully devastated. I'm on here trying to cope. I've been losing sleep, weight and sanity. I've gotten off point but let me bring it to focus. I think that high feeling of falling in love is not real love. I don't think you hit real love until that feeling wears off and you see a person at their best and wost. Then you get the chance to decide if you are willing to accept them as they are and work together to preserve the relationship. In my case we didn't hit that point until almost a year which I think is pretty long. I believe she had problems with my baggage -- an ex wife and 2 young kids. She was only 22 and I was in my 30s. I wonder what's the average time of that euphoric love in a new relationship. How long do most people go before they fish or cut bait? Chime in folks, please.
peteyj Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I don't really believe in the whole 'the one' theory. That only lasts for a short while and then you actually have to work at building and maintaining your relationships. Many people just assume love is all you need and it's fairytale weddings. It's what you do after those stars that really matter. I think I had those feelings about my soon to be ex-wife when we first met. We didn't date right away though but when we finally did there was some kind of magic. But as time wore on, there might have been some butterflies now again but mostly it was worrying about paying bills, worrying about where to live, where to work, how to care for the pets, etc etc etc. Then it was over just like that. Come to find out these days it seems she wasn't exactly head over heels in love with me the same way as I was with her for years. Maybe she never was, who knows. Yeah she loved me and cared for me but who knows if she felt like "i were the one" the way I felt like she was "the one." I mean she did say it years ago but maybe it was just words to her and nothing more. Or maybe she hoped it would be true and finally one day when she met somebody else she thought could replace me, she was gone. I don't know. I did feel something like 'the one' years and years ago when I was younger. But she was a few years older and we really never dated. Yeah we did now and again but it just wasn't meant to be with her I guess. Always going different places or something. So that was probably more of the infatuation talking back then because while we knew one another, we really never dated to see if we'd actually like one another as a true couple. I don't think there is 'the one' per say but there are people we meet who, whether friends or lovers, have that special some kind of connection for whatever reason. I think that's what sucks when that special connection ends and you have to start the whole process again. Some people can be great and you get along with them, but there just isn't that special connection you feel or see. It's not really about 'the one' but more about the feelings. Yeah sometimes our assumptions are completely wrong but there has to be that special kind of connection for you to really want to continue a relationship. If you don't really feel that attraction or emotional connection, then in the long run either you can't stand being alone, or you're setting yourself up for disaster. You need some kind of connection to get through some rough spots in life. Cause if there isn't any, what holds you together with that person?
movingonandon Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 I started slow with my current girlfriend. Not only I didn't have any buterflies, I even asked myself why the F i even bothered to ask her on date 2&3. I guess I had nothing better to do. 4-5 months later, she keeps slowly growing on me. There's nothing about her that makes me "wow", yet I find myself more and more fond of her, discover her little quirks etc.. What eventually defines a relationship is how much fun you have together, and how much you trust each other. So, although i have no "particular reasons" to be all wow, I can see this relationshp lastig (or more?), because we can make it so, if all other pieces fall into place... The "crazy wow" type of love is therefore pretty much irrelevant. It can happen and then fizzle, it can happen and actually result in a good relationship, or you can have a good relationship without it.
LonelyConfusedSoul Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 i'd like to hope that there is the one, but i've lost hope
Author Prim&proper Posted February 16, 2009 Author Posted February 16, 2009 LonelyConfusedSoul: I'm beginning to as well. Two ex's ago, I dated this guy where i felt that we had the "wow gushy love" thing but we weren't compatible and it didn't work out. My last ex I felt we had all the compatibility boxes checked and yet no "wow gushy love" thing. I'm beginning to wonder how people even meet the one for them. A lot of people say that when they met that person, they just know. But how many people who claim they just know end up in divorce? We only have the positive data (those who are still in love and together), but who says that after the relationship doesn't work out?
EmperorR Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 I started slow with my current girlfriend. Not only I didn't have any buterflies, I even asked myself why the F i even bothered to ask her on date 2&3. I guess I had nothing better to do. 4-5 months later, she keeps slowly growing on me. There's nothing about her that makes me "wow", yet I find myself more and more fond of her, discover her little quirks etc.. What eventually defines a relationship is how much fun you have together, and how much you trust each other. So, although i have no "particular reasons" to be all wow, I can see this relationshp lastig (or more?), because we can make it so, if all other pieces fall into place... The "crazy wow" type of love is therefore pretty much irrelevant. It can happen and then fizzle, it can happen and actually result in a good relationship, or you can have a good relationship without it. Agree 110%
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