ahr268 Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Hi all, A question for anyone who has found him/herself in a similar position before. I am a woman in my late 20s and, about 6 months ago, I met a man about my age at my work function. We talked shop for a while, all was perfectly professional. We work in the same field but in different cities (New York/Dublin). After the first meeting, we shot each other a couple of work related Q&A emails throwing in comments on Irish music etc. Turned out we like similar bands. I came to NYC from Moscow on a business trip, and we emailed some more, planning to meet up for a drink, but never got there. He recently wrote to me that he's coming to Dublin on business again and said would be great to meet up this time around. This guy is very nice, funny, makes a useful networking connection and could become a good friend. However, I am married and have no romantic interest in him whatsoever. From his emails, it's difficult to tell whether there is romantic interest on his side (hopefully, not!) but I would like to let him know that, either way, I'm unavailable and married. I know should have, probably, thrown that into the conversation on our first meeting or into one of the emails, but now I'm not sure how to mention my husband in a natural, conversational way without getting into a potentially awkward situation. Preferably before he comes back to Dublin and we meet for a coffee. I'll be wearing my ring but I'm of Slavic origins and we wear our wedding rings on the right hand, so he might not get the message. Anything else (subtle) that I can do to make sure there are no mixed signals? Thanks.
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Well he must not be too sharp if he didn't see your wedding ring. Right? You were wearing a wedding ring when you met him. Right?
mark982 Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 tell him your husband and you would be happy to meet him for coffee. simple and to the point.
Ormolu611 Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Tell him that you think he and your husband would really like each other and say you can't wait to introduce them. But I don't get why you need to be subtle. I am married and not interested in romantic relationship, leaves no doubt. Unless you really like the flirting aspect of it. I agree with this. This should be very easy and I don't really understand the need to be subtle. Is it rude to be married or something? All you have to do is mention anything about your husband, and he will know that you are married. Done deal.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Of course he is interested in more than friends. Men don't just make friends like that with women. If he were not interested, your interactions would have never gotten past 'strictly business', and there certainly would never been a suggestion of meeting up outside of work. Too late for avoiding 'awkward' and anything you say or do that isn't to the point will simply complicate things. How about just a straightforward... "I'm sorry that I may have given you the wrong impression, but I am married and not interested in any outside relationships." He will likely go a little distant on you, but that is to be expected.
quankanne Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 or, "Hey, my husband and I can't wait til you get here so we can show you the town!"
Heroic Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Hey, I thought what you said in your last email was funny/appropriate/interesting...I told my husband about it and he got a kick out of it too, he said we should take you out to dinner when your in town.
Author ahr268 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Thank you for the suggestions, all. I'm feeling awkward about the whole thing now because I feel like I might have inadvertently (no, I don't like any flirting aspects in this deal) given the guy an impression that I'm available. And it's embarassing. Also, I know he's not really the type my hubby would be friends with, so I don't want to extend this into the family area (ie: lets all three of us go and have fun together). At the same time, he could be a good work connection (given the economic times we're living in, any connection needs to be maintained), so I don't want to blow him off either. So, he recently asked me some work-related questions and I've been meaning to answer him. When I do, I'm thinking of adding something like: "By the way, last weekend Dan and I heard this great band perform. Check them out if you have a chance." What do you all think? Or is that not clear that "Dan", whether husband or boyfriend, is a man who is in my life? Do you think it's better to spell it out: "By the way, last weekend my husband and I..."? I've always felt weird talking about my private life with work colleagues hence all the hair splitting... I just think that family life is a private affair and just as much as I dont care to know details of my colleagues marital/kid-related sagas, I don't want to discuss mine with them (and, yes, I get the irony with writing about these details in a forum where any stranger can read them).
Author ahr268 Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 How about just a straightforward... "I'm sorry that I may have given you the wrong impression, but I am married and not interested in any outside relationships." Lucrezia, that is usually my first instinct, but I once said something along these lines to a guy who, as it turned out, was just being friendly and not romantically interested. Embarassing... So, now i'm really trying to go with subtle hints.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 At this point, I have to ask - what do you have to lose by being straightforward? Why would his reaction matter? You can be very nice about saying it - it would be in your tone, rather than your words. Just a friendly... "you know, I think I should probably mention that I'm married and I don't want to give you the wrong impression" Isn't embarrassment worth finding out what he is really after? If he reacts with an 'that's ok - I'm sorry I gave you the wrong impression' then he was above board and not looking for any kind of hookup. He WILL understand that straightforward reaction if he respects you, and is genuinely interested in networking/etc. If he reacts with silence and cuts you off, then he wasn't interested in 'friends' or networking to begin with. You either gain a friend with your honesty, or you run off someone who was only pretending to be your friend. You don't lose either way.
Ronni_W Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 "By the way, last weekend Dan and I heard this great band perform. Check them out if you have a chance." Something like that would work, but I'd suggest to drop the "by the way" part of it. Because it's not "by the way" to anything. And rather than use your husband's first name, just say "my husband" so that it is all crystal clear. Or. "It'll be great to get together for coffee. Perhaps my husband will be available to join us." (It doesn't mean that your husband will or won't join you. It is just to let the guy know that you HAVE a husband.) Or. "I really don't recall if I've mentioned my husband...I guess it's just that we usually find so much else to talk about." Possibly it's more that your discomfort is messing with your mind? Because, really, there are many ways to resolve it without coming across as if you're making any assumptions about the guy's intentions or feelings. I'm making the assumption that you've already mentioned this new business acquaintanceship to your husband? If not, that could be adding to your queasy/uneasy feelings.
nleeh Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Yes you should tell him. I like the sentence "By the way, last weekend Dan and I heard this great band perform. Check them out if you have a chance." but I'd also forget the "by the way" part and add the word 'husband' in your sentence and say "Last weekend my husband Dan and I heard this great band perform. Check them out if you have a chance." nleeh
RecordProducer Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 For God's sake, this should be easy! You should only have such problems. "Yes, I like that song, it's one of my husband's favorite." "Sorry I didn't reply to your email sooner, my husband and I were at a picnic all day." "How's the weather in NYC? Here in Dublin it rained all week, my husband got a cold." However, it seems to me that what you would really want to tell him is: "If you're trying to get in my pants, I'll make sure I never mention your name in front of my husband." (or you wouldn't be posting about someone you're supposedly not interested in!)
Dexter Morgan Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 Hi all, A question for anyone who has found him/herself in a similar position before. I am a woman in my late 20s and, about 6 months ago, I met a man about my age at my work function. We talked shop for a while, all was perfectly professional. We work in the same field but in different cities (New York/Dublin). After the first meeting, we shot each other a couple of work related Q&A emails throwing in comments on Irish music etc. Turned out we like similar bands. I came to NYC from Moscow on a business trip, and we emailed some more, planning to meet up for a drink, but never got there. He recently wrote to me that he's coming to Dublin on business again and said would be great to meet up this time around. This guy is very nice, funny, makes a useful networking connection and could become a good friend. However, I am married and have no romantic interest in him whatsoever. Then why make plans to meet up for drinks? Thats inappropriate if you are married. From his emails, it's difficult to tell whether there is romantic interest on his side (hopefully, not!) but I would like to let him know that, either way, I'm unavailable and married. Let me guess.....you take your wedding ring off when your husband is out of sight out of mind:o I know should have, probably, thrown that into the conversation on our first meeting or into one of the emails, but now I'm not sure how to mention my husband in a natural, conversational way without getting into a potentially awkward situation. When talking, relate your husband into the converstion....like, "ya, I know what you mean, my husband is the same exact way..." But something seems too fishy here. Do you not have a wedding ring? You usually plan to meet men for "drinks"? Preferably before he comes back to Dublin and we meet for a coffee. I'll be wearing my ring but I'm of Slavic origins and we wear our wedding rings on the right hand, so he might not get the message. But were you wearing it before? If I saw what resembled a wedding ring on the right hand, I'd assume marriage. Anything else (subtle) that I can do to make sure there are no mixed signals? Thanks. ya, break contact with him....seems like you are a bit too chummy with him anyway. Does your husband know you meet this guy or want to meet him?
Author ahr268 Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 First, to answer a question several have asked - yes, my husband knows about this guy. From the very start. And about our plans to meet up for a drink. And I offered that he come along, but since we'd be talking about "boring" work stuff, Dan declined. We even joked around about my not telling the guy that I'm married. But, anyway, the update. I wrote an email to him 2 days ago, putting in the PS something like "my husband has this movie on DVD and when you're here next you're welcome to borrow it". Havent heard from the guy since. Maybe he's just busy or maybe, indeed, was interested in more than... On the one hand - maybe good riddance. But on the other hand - it sucks! I hate to be disappointed in people, especially since there are so few with whom I can usually hit it off. Ugh, another confirmation of something I've always spoken out against - no friendship possible between opposite genders...
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