My husband is having an affair.

[kinkasaurus-rex]

Hey all.

I have been married almost 6 years but have been with my husband for 18 years. We are happy. I know that sounds dumb cuz why would he be happy and still have an affair? blah blah. I get it. I know. I just thought it would be helpful to my recovery if I get it off my chest. Anyway, we still love each other after all this time. The sex is great. At times, it becomes a bit routine but it is generally always great. He still very much wants to remain married. I am still unsure but I am not letting my emotions get the best of me too quickly. I will not make a decision about seperation or divorce until I finish this roller coaster of emotion.

So, here's the story: My husband and I had a very close mutual friend pass unexpectedly. At the viewing is where we ran into an old acquaintance. Since we were all mourning our friend, we started hanging out. We knew her from high school. I never really liked her because in high school, she would sleep with all my exes and sometimes before they were exes, at least in one case. She was always scraping my leftovers. still is...

I always suspected that they hooked up in earlier years while we were seperated but both deny it. One night, recently, she was over and we watched a movie. Then, my husband walked her out to her car. A few days later, he says he is going out. Then, a few days later, he goes out again.

A few weeks ago, I was doing my tax return on the computer and he left his email up. I know I shouldn't snoop, allright? That's not the point. The point is these emails I read were so intimate and personal and signed your "new" girlfriend. I confronted him and he said, "YOu weren't supp. to find out about this... not yet." So, you were just gonna keep hiding it until you found out if you could have your cake and eat it too kinda thing..

Anyway, point is...I DID find out and I got a few details. Like how she confessed to him that she has always had a crush on him and how it's too bad he's married and all the good ones are taken. blah blah blah.

I just think it's in poor taste to tell me I have nothing to worry about, that you're just friends, meanwhile, you are walking up to a willing married man and saying, "Hey, I know you're married but I used to like you a while ago and I think I still do, so let's try this out. I don't want to steal you from your wife. I just want a small piece of you." She actually emailed me and told me that she doesn't want to take him from me, she just wants a small piece and that she will take her leave now so we can mend our relationship.

First, you can't steal him. I don't possess him. He is his own individual. Second, why are you entitled to HAVE a small piece of anything? He's married. Third, come in, help create the damage and then take your leave so we can fix what you helped break? Sure, sounds great.

It's not like she met him in a bar and said, "Hey, I like you." She knew who he was, she knows who I am. They both hurt me.

I don't know. We've always had an intense relationship and he is being a little better at being honest, now that I know, right. Of course, how convenient. But, he's admitted to not being able to be monogamous. So, we either redefine the terms of our marriage and try to get thru it or we split up. Is is worth it? Do I share my husband or do I get out?

[Geishawhelk]

Read the first part of my signature.

 

And then decide.

[norajane]

he said, "YOu weren't supp. to find out about this... not yet."

What's that supposed to mean? That he would carry on an affair until he was ready to let you in on the secret, and then divorce you?

 

he's admitted to not being able to be monogamous

Well, how easy was that? He's being honest and telling you that he's going to have sex with other women if you stay married.

 

If that does not meet your needs, then I'd suggest getting out now before he brings home some STD's.

 

Personally, I'd hire a very good lawyer and start the divorce proceedings.

[desertmoon]

a friend, huh?

 

Question to all legal minds out there: Can She sue the OW for Alienation of Affection?

[norajane]

a friend, huh?

 

Question to all legal minds out there: Can She sue the OW for Alienation of Affection?

 

In some US states, yes.

 

But she can sue her husband for divorce in all states.

 

Why so angry at the friend/OW? It's her HUSBAND who is lying and cheating and who is the one who owes her fidelity and honesty. He's not just a child who can be lured away with candy and a shiny toy..

[mark982]

south caroilna was the latest to try for that, don't know if it passed.

[whichwayisup]

"YOu weren't supp. to find out about this... not yet."

 

What is that supposed to mean exactly? What is with this "not yet" part? WTF.

 

OK, forget the friend as she is NO friend of yours...Never was and never will be.

 

Your H got caught up in the fantasy and she totally played him, he was stupid and didn't say NO to her.

 

Do you love him enough to give him a chance to make things right? Can you trust him? Is it over between them? Seems your husband isn't husband material..Really think about what you want and if he's worth fighting for.

 

Don't think about sharing him, that's crazy.

[desertmoon]

In some US states, yes.

 

But she can sue her husband for divorce in all states.

 

Why so angry at the friend/OW? It's her HUSBAND who is lying and cheating and who is the one who owes her fidelity and honesty. He's not just a child who can be lured away with candy and a shiny toy..

 

Were you asking me? I am not angry at the friend/OW. I am a BS for many years and currently an OW...so...it's not like I have any right to moral indignation in this issue. But I am curious, how is it that you think I am angry?

 

I think it is amazing that she actually made the moves to the married man-knowing all the facts...that's some guts, she puts all OWs to shame!

(sarcasm).

 

Thanks for the info about her being able to sue her husband for divorce in ALL states-I didn't know that

[2sure]

After all this time, your husband has come to the conclusion that he cannot abide monogomy, being married.

 

You are right to wait before deciding anything. It is quite possible your husband is basing his new found revelation on feelings he has simply because of this affair - not reality. If the affair is over, these feelings may fade.

 

So, what you both have to do is find out if his "inability" to be monogomous is simply an excuse for cheating, or an excuse to get a divorce, or just the way he really feels.

 

First, does he acknowledge that the affair with OW is over? In other words...is he basing his need to be with others only on her or if she was gone would he want permission to find someone else?

 

Next - does his idea of an open marriage work both ways...you have to share him with other women...and you can see other men??

 

You say he wants to stay married, but see other people. Will these other people be women you approve of or will he simply be having relationships completely aside from your, ahem,marriage?

 

Tell him to move out until he decides if he wants to be married or not...and you will do the same. Tell him you also will be seeing other people - just to try on the life style he is suggesting.

[kinkasaurus-rex]

Thank you for all the good advice. My husband is a musician and he played a club last night. I couldn't bring myself to go even tho he claimed to really want me there. He called shortly after he left to let me know he would be thinking of me all night and that I am the one he is in love with. I looked at his phone this morning and he called the OW 2 minutes after hanging up with me. I DO believe that he loves me and wants to remain married. Am I just supp. to settle for the "hey, it's better than nothing?" He wants me to see other people. I don't want to. I only want him. I know we have a special bond, but am I just plain crazy?

[Geishawhelk]

.....He called shortly after he left to let me know he would be thinking of me all night and that I am the one he is in love with. I looked at his phone this morning and he called the OW 2 minutes after hanging up with me. ..... I know we have a special bond, but am I just plain crazy?

 

How long was he on the 'phone to you?

 

And her?

 

I only ask, because it seems to me that he "got you out of the way" first, and then rang the main person in his life.

 

I'm sorry, I think you're deluding yourself.

You don't have a special bond, at all.

people with special bonds don't go cheating on their "soulmates" and tell them "you weren't supposed to know yet...."

 

You have a simple decision:

Live with him and share him, or leave.

 

That's in effect, what it all boils down to.

 

I'm too good for anyone to be a part of a triple act.

I'm afraid, as far as I'm concerned, it's astarring role in a double-act.

Any third player, and I'm off.

[norajane]

He called shortly after he left to let me know he would be thinking of me all night and that I am the one he is in love with.

 

I looked at his phone this morning and he called the OW 2 minutes after hanging up with me.

 

Am I just supp. to settle for the "hey, it's better than nothing?" He wants me to see other people. I don't want to. I only want him. I know we have a special bond, but am I just plain crazy?

 

So how does that make you feel? Knowing that he called her right after professing he's in love with you?

 

Really, how do you feel about that? Did it make your stomach sink? Did your heart cringe? If it tears you up inside, then you know that his version of love and marriage does not work for you! Why would you stay around for more and more of that, for more and more hurts and pains every day?

 

If it makes you feel terrible to know he's pursuing her, then yes, you're crazy if you're even considering staying.

[kinkasaurus-rex]

I have so much history with this guy. Aside from the infidelity, he is a pretty decent guy. I know I am acting stupid to even consider this, but he has mentioned the open marriage thing more than once and I was willing to give it a shot but he went behind my back and pursued the OW without my knowledge. That's not an open marriage, that's cheating. He has broken my trust over and over and I am just so in love with him, it hurts.

I know half of what I read on here is correct advice and good advice. it's just so hard.

[jj33]

Youve gotten great advice. And my heart goes out to you.

 

But it doesnt sound like you want the same thing. From what you say this is not the first time he has mentioned an open marriage. And he said he is not able to be monogamous.

 

Whether this woman is the first or not, the question is do you both want the same thing out of t his relationship.

 

You should not settle for a piece of this man if what you want is a monogamous relationship. As a former OW I will tell you it eats at your self esteem. And the damage would have to be deeper and more cutting if you are his wife and sharing him.

 

Unless you are happy with sharing him and really want an open marriage, you need to put your foot down. Either he lives a monogamous life with you or he leaves. Plain and simple. Trust me there is no middle ground here. Assenting to sharing him just because that is the only way you can keep him is a prescription for misery. You will resent it and you will wake up in a few years wishing you had cut it off earlier.

 

If he sees the light and realizes he is giving up the best thing that ever happened to him, perhaps he can win your trust back. But dont settle for crumbs from your own husband. You deserve far far better than that.

 

(and aside from the infidelity they are all pretty decent guys... but that is beside the point. The infidelity is breaking your heart).

[kinkasaurus-rex]

Thank you, JJ. I do agree but I feel doomed.

I DO still love him with all that I am.

and our situation is different than most. We don't have any children but we do live with my elderly father who has alzheimers. My husband, since he is a musician and artist, is able to work from home most times and he is able to take care of my father while I leave the house.

He has offered to stay here and help me with my father no matter what the outcome but it is so emotionally draining on me.

But having to sit here by myself all day or work to have my paycheck cover a stranger coming in to sit with my dad would be emotionally draining as well.

I feel so stuck.

[jj33]

Im so sorry that is so difficult. OK if you separate could you get a job that would support you and your father and the carer? If so that is your best option.

 

If you send him packing, painful as that is, it gives you space to heal and to move on. Having this person in your home who has broken your heart, while he is seeing other women will destroy you. Make no mistake it will destroy you.

 

If you can swing it financially, then the pain of moving on will be no greater than the pain of having him slowly break your heart into smaller and smaller pieces each day.

 

Its possible as 2sure said that in time your H will realise he didnt really want sexual freedom if the price is losing you. But keeping the status quo is not the answer. You cant be like an OW in your own home.

 

Big hugs I am sure this is not easy. but you have to take a stand for you. he is clearly not going to do that. How kind of him to offer to stay on and see other women. Eff him. That is not a viable option if you can afford to kick him to the curb.

 

edited to add - it may sound harsh but as they say the converted are the most fanatic...