Sands_of_time Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Just wanted to get your thoughts on this: Everyone is different of course, but how long did it take you to overcome the bitterness/anger toward your spouse after you discovered they were cheating on you?
Owl Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I went through the angry phase pretty quickly. Once I KNEW that she "got it" and deeply regretted what she'd done, and was now working to do the right things, I didn't stay angry much longer. I'd have 'flashes' of anger for as long as two years after d-day...but these were literally momentary...and when compared to how much improved our marriage was, not worth focusing on. I'm not bitter or angry about it today. It happened, it sucked...but it's part of our PAST, it's not our present. Had she not shown the remorse/regret, or had she not made the changes she needed to make...I'd very likely be in a far different place.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 XW dropped the bomb in August 2003, that she'd cheated repeatedly and wanted out. The attempt at reconciliation lasted a couple of months before she ended it, and we split in November 2003. I felt bitter and angry towards her for about the next two and a half years. It would wax and wane in terms of intensity, but it was always there. So I understand from others' experiences, getting beyond the anger and bitterness is easier and takes less time if the cheating spouse wants to repair the damage they did and recommit to the marriage. That wasn't the case in my situation, so I basically had to tough it through without her help or love. (Not to sound self-pitying, but it's the truth.) It certainly didn't make for a particularly pleasant level of interaction between her and me for a couple of years. She was contrite and remorseful and wanted things to be pleasant between us. But I didn't want to have anything to do with her, but had no choice because we have two kids. Having to interact with her was painful and difficult for me during that time. I'm not sure exactly what changed, but in about mid-2006 much of the anger evaporated. I now get along with her quite well and things are cordial, even friendly between us. I guess it just required time. I still have the occasional flash of anger, but it's pretty low-grade and doesn't linger or haunt me anymore. And it doesn't affect my interactions with her anymore.
Maladjusted Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Just wanted to get your thoughts on this: Everyone is different of course, but how long did it take you to overcome the bitterness/anger toward your spouse after you discovered they were cheating on you? For me, I think it will take a while to overcome. There is no real quick fix to these types of things. My bitterness stems more from more of what she put me through rather than anything else. Anger? It lessens every day I think. Most of the residual anger I still have is more directed at the OM, who had the balls to show up at my house while I was out of town. If I ever saw him I don't know what I would do. But, its a work in progress.
65tr6 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 So I understand from others' experiences, getting beyond the anger and bitterness is easier and takes less time if the cheating spouse wants to repair the damage they did and recommit to the marriage. That wasn't the case in my situation, so I basically had to tough it through without her help or love. so true. It depends a LOT on how remorseful is the spouse after the fact. I was never angry with my wife. May be sometimes. I still have triggers that make me so angry at the OM mostly but it is getting better. OM should have known better (divorced and had daughters...what kind of f* example is he leading ?) and I wish the worse on him BUT I know that does not help. (see now this thread got me started....lol)
Maladjusted Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 so true. It depends a LOT on how remorseful is the spouse after the fact. I was never angry with my wife. May be sometimes. I still have triggers that make me so angry at the OM mostly but it is getting better. OM should have known better (divorced and had daughters...what kind of f* example is he leading ?) and I wish the worse on him BUT I know that does not help. (see now this thread got me started....lol) I agree. From what I was told about the OM, his wife had cheated on him and he obviously chose to stay with her. I feel anger towards him because the ****er knows firsthand what it feels like. He also had two daughters for Christ's sake........
Dexter Morgan Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Just wanted to get your thoughts on this: Everyone is different of course, but how long did it take you to overcome the bitterness/anger toward your spouse after you discovered they were cheating on you? Oh I'll always be "bitter" towards her for what she has done to my kids. I resent her and always will. Now if the question is how long did it take for me to get over any hurt, that didn't take long once I got the divorce in the works.
silktricks Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I can't say I was ever bitter. I was certainly angry - at both of them. The anger towards him is gone now, though even up till probably four years later it would tickle around the back of my head once in awhile. The mind numbing pain lasted about two years. The anger towards her is probably something that could resurface if she ever messed with either of us again. I hope it's not something I ever need to find out. Mostly, though, my interaction with him went through a complete change. I never "protect" either of us from my feelings, nor does he. We have a much healthier relationship now than we did for many years. We are close in a way that we once were but had lost. I'm glad we have it back.
65tr6 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Oh I'll always be "bitter" towards her for what she has done to my kids. I resent her and always will.. what about the OM dexter ? not angry at all ?
Spark1111 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 It is 14 months since DDay, and I still have angry days but they are less and less. I still mourn the marriage I thought we had, but did not. Like I said to my therapist, "this couldn't have happened to a nicer person, could it?" He smiles. I am angrier about the damage done to my grown children who had never seen their mother sob, and I have told him I may NEVER forgive him for that. While my husband is truly remorseful and we are reconciled with many positive results, I know our children will NEVER view him in the same way and I grieve the loss of their illusions of dad, which may be life-altering for them. I am only bitter about the loss of two whole years of my life, when he grew cold and distant and estranged from me and our children and the events of our lives. I chalked it up to job stress, but he had already crashed into her. I will never get those two years back, but then, neither will he. I hold no grudge towards her. Should I? I do still wonder about her motives, but basically, I feel sorry for her because I think he lied to her too, and when he threw her under the bus to be with me, that must have hurt her deeply. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Is he worth it? Only time, and his continued actions to rebuild trust and love, will tell. And I think I am a shorter time on this journey to recovery than many who post here. Yes?
Crestfallen_KH Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 I'm 1.5 years out of D-Day. I still have angry moments, but the angry days are generally gone. I realized very quickly that I was way in over my head and got into therapy immediately. I literally believe I would have been dead by now otherwise. I also think it's contributed greatly to where I am. I believe I am pretty far along where I would otherwise have been, and it's helped me to view things in a new and different light. I just knew that I didn't want to live my life with anger and resentment. I couldn't control the affair, but I could control how I chose to react to it. And there was no way I was going to let his actions change me into a person I didn't want to be. I guess I still have some bitterness. I really feel like my situation has been especially painful. Sometimes it still affects how I feel about myself, as much as I hate to say it. It seems like almost everyone's ex has either tried to come back at some point down the road, wanted to reconcile right away, or the affair didn't materialize into a real relationship or last. Well, my ex left after knowing her a matter of weeks and moved in with her. He never tried to come back, and they are still living together. It just feels like they've beaten the odds and that leaving me was obviously a smart idea on his part. Plus, she gets the "new-and-improved" ex who said nothing to me about his unhappiness but is now evidently working on the issues he had with me, but doing so with her. It stings that she gets to reap those benefits in their relationship - not I. So yes, I'm sometimes still a little bitter after the end of a bad first date, or when I feel alone or hear the word "affair." I never expected to be out here again and I'm still integrating the wound into my life. The good news is that I really, truly like who I am now. I'm a much, much better person than I was before. I know I'll be an awesome gf to a really sweet, deserving man. Oh, the angry period lasted several months - it really came up bad about 6 mos in and lasted probably another 6 mos. I was so fearful it would never go away, and I actively had to work at it.
65tr6 Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 It stings that she gets to reap those benefits in their relationship - not I. ..... .... .. The good news is that I really, truly like who I am now. I'm a much, much better person than I was before. I know I'll be an awesome gf to a really sweet, deserving man. I see a contradiction there. What makes you think that you didnt reap the benefits ? Looks like you did to me. You like who you are and you sound confident.
Crestfallen_KH Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 I see a contradiction there. What makes you think that you didnt reap the benefits ? Looks like you did to me. You like yourself and you sound confident. Well, overall I know that I did. I wouldn't trade places with her; anyone who would walk out on a marriage to be with me isn't a good enough relationship candidate for me, personally. So, I'm grateful we had no kids nor any reason to say in contact. And, I realize that we learn from EVERY relationship (at least, that's the hope) and we take those lessons into our next relationship. So, on some level, we we all enter into any subsequent relationship as a better version of us, but my particular frustration came from him telling me - after knowing her two weeks - that the marriage was over. Had he said he was unhappy and then even tried after I became aware of that unhappiness, perhaps it would have stung a little less.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 16, 2009 Posted February 16, 2009 what about the OM dexter ? not angry at all ? Oh maybe at first, but then I realized, he did me a favor.
soserious1 Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I'm still angry, a feeling that usually builds up and peaks to a boiling point at month's end when I have to sit down and make out his court ordered alimony check and I realise that I'm going to have to do this every month till I die. My anger isn't really at him though, he was smart, a lot smarter than me, he saw a stupid,ugly old broad and hopped abroad the gravy train. I was stupid enough to believe that somebody could actually love me even though I'm not 22 sporting a size DD bra... I was wrong and I'm being made to pay dearly for my mistake. It won't happen again though.
Wibble Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 The anger lasted about 6 months, but interestingly only started once I had ended her affair. It was hourly, then daily, then weekly and finally about once a month. I have only felt disappointment and sorrow since, not anger. I am constantly surprised by how anger takes control of some people. I take the attitude that she simply had to prove she was worth getting upset about. Sadly she chose not to provide the proof, so anger is now even further from my mind. Now I just feel enormous sorrow for my kids as they watch their family torn apart by divorce.
PhoenixRise Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 I still get angry. Nothing even close to the anger I felt at first though. My WS and I had been in each other's life for over 16 years. We had been married for 6 years. We had a child. And he had an affair. What helped me start to get over the anger? Our child. No matter what happened with us I did not want our child growing up with an angry chaotic parent. Walking away helped too. Packing up my stuff and my child and leaving the situation helped me tremendously. The fact that my WS has been working his ass off to get me back and to restore our family and regain my trust has helped alot. Even though we are working our way back to each other. Even though I believe he is truly remorseful. I still look at him sometimes and I just want to hit him upside the head with a skillet . But that is usually just a temporary flash.
Reggie Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 QUite a long time.I'm three years post d-day and 2 years post divorce. I feel much better now. But, the fact that i am still on a site like this means I'm not past it. I think it may be a little different when the WS never admits and never shows any remorse. Taks longer to get past it. This happened to me in my first marriage,as well. 7 years post divorce, I got an apology and an admission. It helped to get past it. But, the fact of the matter is that I still dislike my first wife. She has remained an abusive a-hole and has tried to jstify her affairs claiming to have been an alocoholic whose "emotional needs" were not being met. Ever tyr meeting someone's emotional needs when she is wrapped up in getting high, and meaner than a rattlesnake? Many WS's seem to be a few standard deviations more selfish than the average person. With alcoholics or addicts, this is ramped up even more. Best thimg one can do when dealing with an unremorseful WS is to have as little contact as possible. That helps the most for me.
2sunny Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 i was sad and angry for two years. then i did some hard work for about six months to get past the resentment. things seem much better since i let go of the anger and allowed him to let go of his guilt. life is much sweeter this way. allows me to be happy.
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