9 year old not fitting in

[lexi29]

My fiance's 9 year old son started a new school in January. Some days he likes it but a lot of the time he complains or cries about school, friends etc. My fiance had a conference with his teacher last night and the teacher said she always sees (son) talking with other kids and giggling, and that he doesn't play by himself at recess. She told my fiance that she sat him beside another new transfer student hoping they would become friends since neither knows anyone else. She said she never sees him by himself but this other new kid has no friends at all and she is concerned about him. Fiance asked his son if he likes the new kid and he said he's ok but he's "rude" to him sometimes.

 

His son told us that he thinks no one in his class likes him and that they "hate him". When asked why he said he asks kids to play and they say no and then someone else asks them to play and they say yes and go play (this is 3rd grade). He has talked about playing games (some bakugan game) with kids before so we know he does interact with some of the kids. He also complained that he was on the computer playing a game and some "fat kid" came up and told him to move because he wanted to play the game and so he did and the teacher didn't say anything.

 

He's had problems at his old school as well. They lived in town then, and (son) would go to the park and play with friends after school. He became good friends with this kid John who was a grade below him and they would always play together for about two or three months and then suddenly he hates John and John "is mean" to him and picks on him. He also used to cry alot about getting picked on during the bus ride home. That kids would be mean to him and he'd cry. He also is kind of a wimpy kid (feel bad for saying that) but a few times at the park a kid his age hit him with a foot ball or threw it at him and he got upset and cried and called his dad to come yell at the kid. So he doesn't know how to stand up for himself. Not that I fault a 9 year old for not fighting. I really do not understand why he is such an outcast among kids his age. This summer he had a birthday party at the park and he invited all the kids in his class (June). Only four showed up. 3 of those were girls.

He has had other friends that he will play with for a few months and then he doesn't like them (or vice versa). He has a ton of cousins that he plays with (and gets along with) and a half sister who is 5. So even though he's an only child he gets along with other kids and is used to being around them (he prefers it). He is very social. He will talk to anyone and is very friendly and outgoing.

 

The only thing I can think of is because he's been raised as an only child he's very self centered (aren't most kids?) and he's used to everything being about him so maybe he doesn't like not getting his way with other kids? The interactions I've seen between him and his cousins sometimes he's the leader, sometimes he's the follower.

 

His teachers have all liked him and talked about how good he is in class and he is normally very polite to adults and I don't see him insulting kids either. He does get frustrated easily though and probably cries more than a normal 9 year old (he cries when he's upset, when you hurt his feelings, when he's mad, and when he's frustrated) I'd say we see tears probably twice a week. He is also very sensitive. Do you think there is something about his behavior that is turning other kids off? Or is he just under stress from the move and it is effecting his outlook (thinking he has no friends when he does).

 

He may have different interests than the kids at school. He still believes in Santa Claus and the kids at school told him he's not real (so he's starting to doubt) and he loves watching wrestling WWE and playing wresting video games and his hero is John Cena and he told us the kids at school told him he's a dork for watching wrestling because its all fake.

 

How can we help him?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think that you are right about the only child syndrome adding to his difficulty in making friends. We basically because of ages had 2 only children and they did have more trouble getting along in group settings than some other kids, though they were socialized from young ages.

 

Why not try inviting a child over to spend the night or to go on a family outing with you so that you can see where the problem really lies.

 

Another thing to suggest is some type of sports if that is an option for you. Even though my son was not terribly atheletic we put him into different group sports so that he could learn to work as a team. He mostly enjoys TaeKwonDo though as he can work at his own pace.

 

I believe some of the chain toy stores have Bokegan (sp) tournaments, maybe he and a friend could go to one of those.

 

I know how sad and frustrating it is for your child to come home unhappy from school.

[Rerun]

That's life, sad to say. Not everyone is the popular kid and not everyone is treated nicely. There are just some people in this world who have a big red target figuratively painted on their backsides, you know? It sounds like this young lad is one of them and he's getting a quick lesson in the harsh realities of life.

 

He needs to learn how to be comfortable in himself and also how to entertain himself. If he can't be good company for himself, how can he be good company for anyone else?

 

Maybe some "sucking-it-up" (assertiveness) classes are in order for both of you.

 

I'm just sayin'.

[TwinkletOes26]

Teach your son to stick up for himself. I am an only child too and was teased for various reasons but i stuck up for myself and the kids backed off. If they try to get physical tell himn to get to an adult pronto. Some people are just mean and hatefilled he has to learn that making friends takes time. Def get him into an extracarricular activity to help him make friends and get self esteem.

 

Rerun i do not know why you thought your answer would be helpful. This poor woman is asking for help not ridicule. You make it sound like the child deserves to be picked on. When you are an adult and someone "picks on you" at work it is called harassment and they can get their BEHINDS in trouble. If someone gets physical with you as an adult its called assault. Adults have it a lot easier with these things than children do. So it is quite easy to say suck it up. How would you handle it if it was your own child?

[lexi29]

I think that you are right about the only child syndrome adding to his difficulty in making friends. We basically because of ages had 2 only children and they did have more trouble getting along in group settings than some other kids, though they were socialized from young ages.

 

Why not try inviting a child over to spend the night or to go on a family outing with you so that you can see where the problem really lies.

 

Another thing to suggest is some type of sports if that is an option for you. Even though my son was not terribly atheletic we put him into different group sports so that he could learn to work as a team. He mostly enjoys TaeKwonDo though as he can work at his own pace.

 

I believe some of the chain toy stores have Bokegan (sp) tournaments, maybe he and a friend could go to one of those.

 

I know how sad and frustrating it is for your child to come home unhappy from school.

 

 

He seems to be doing better in school and has not had anything bad to say about the other kids. However, I witnessed him having a new friend over for the first time the other day. This kid was a year older than him and he met him riding his bus (he only rides the bus maybe once a month). He invited the kid over (kid can walk to the house from where he lives) I guess this kid lives with his grandfather as his father is in jail. So he sounds like he has a difficult life. Well he came over and my fiance's son wanted to play playstation games with him. They did that for awhile. After he was there for over an hour, fiance's son played other things with him and I noticed why he probably does not get along well with kids his own age. First of all even though the neighbor kid was the same age as my fiance's son, he seemed several years older in demeanor. I think my fiance's son is very immature and have not noticed this as we dont' see him around other kids very often.

 

Also my fiance's son was quite bossy- always saying "lets do this now!" and directing the play. I know it was his house and maybe thats how it goes, but it just seemed he was demanding (not meanly or anything) that this kid do what HE wanted. He told him to play follow the leader and did goofy things and this kid seemed uncomfortable. Fiance's son had an eight ball that you ask questions to and somehow got to "are you wearing underwear" and told the kid to ask it if he was wearing underwear and laughed at the answer. Then he asked if the neighbor kid was wearing any and the magic eight ball said no and fiance's son laughed and wanted the kid to show him his underwear. Very strange. Also after the kid was there almost two hours fiance's son asked "what was your name again?" And this is the kid that remembers EVERYTHING! He can repeat a conversation you had with him a year ago! So he didnt' even bother to remember his new playmate's name. I dont know if kids are insulted by that or not. Also my fiance's son seemed to have double the energy this kid had. He seemed like a mexican jumping bean while this poor kid was like one of those sad looking hound dogs that just lays on the floor and looks at you.

 

When the kid left my fiance's son was grining from ear to ear and told him " I had a great time!!" and the kid just looked at him and said "thats cool" and went home. I told my fiance I don't think he'll be back and he agreed with me.

[curiousnycgirl]

IMHO this is all part of your finace's view on child rearing. If his son is not taught boundaries and compromise at home, how can he possibly know how to intereact within a group?

 

Of course he is immature, his father promotes his immaturity by not giving him age appropriate responsibilities and by allowing his bad behaviours.

 

By age 9 a kid may cry often, but more frequently is trying deserately hard to suck it up and hold the tears back. It sounds like your fiance's son is upset so he bursts into tears - very immature behaviour.

 

I agree he needs more exposure to kids, but he also needs all the things we've discussed in this forum over and over again.

[lexi29]

Ok, please give me some examples? What are age-appropriate responsibilities for a 9 year old? Because I have no idea. Ever since he was five or so, he will do the dishes if you ask (he likes it but obviously its not a responsibility for him) And yes, I agree crying is immature and he definately cries too much. For ex. last night when I came over, he was watching tv and it was WAY too loud for me (my fiance is deaf in one ear so he doesn't notice when its too loud) so I got the remote and turned the tv down and fiance's son burst into tears because he wanted the tv louder than I did. however, two minutes later he was laughing and smiling again.

 

Its the only-child syndrome too- he is used to being the center of attention, having all his needs and most of his wants met and probably gets frustrated when other kids do not make him feel as included or special as he expects of others. Part of his immaturity is becasue of his always-changing life situations and lack of stability in some parts. his mother refused to see him for the last two months, and then last weekend she said she wasn't coming to get him and changed her mind at the last minute and told my fiance to meet her with their son and she came and picked him up. in the four hours that he knew his mom was coming to get him, he clung to both of us, kept telling his dad over and over " I Love you" and needing to hear it back. Kept asking dad what would happen in his mom refused to bring him back (something she threatens to scare him) and he kept being very lovey and wanting to sit between us and he'd go around the house (new place he's only lived 2 months) telling us "I LOVE this house"

 

He also cried one time over a homework assignment that had a question that asked "what is your favorite activity to do with your family in the winter?" He said he was crying because he couldnt' answer the question because he didn't have a family. He said a family is a mom and a dad who live together and that since his mom and dad never lived together and since my fiance and I aren't married yet that he doesn't have a family yet and wants us to hurry up and get married so he can have a "mom" and a dad who live with him. We had to explain to him that a family doesn't mean just a mom and a dad etc.

[blind_otter]

Lexi, I've read some of your other posts about your fiance's son and it struck me that he seemed less emotionally developed than other children I have known who are his age. I admit I often compare him to S/O's son, who is 2 years older. But I think back on how he was when he was 9 and it's just very different.

 

S/O's son went to counseling after his parents split (he was 4/5 at the time)...has your fiance's son been to counseling at all?

[curiousnycgirl]

Age appropriate responsibilities for a 9 year old:

 

1. sleep in his own bed - as in NEVER sleep in his father's bed with him

2. dished every night, not just when asked

3. taking out the garbage

4. make his bed/clean his room

5. clean up mud when he brings it into the house

6. behave or suffer the reprecussions of losing a priviledge (in this one I am thinking back to your posts about his not behaving while house hunting, or riding in the car etc.)

 

Basically he needs to already have taken responsibilities for his own actions (which he has not) and begun to contribute to the overall household.

 

For his contribution to the household, he should get an allowance, perhap a dollar or two or even five a week (with which he will begin to learn fiscal responsibility - like if you want something like a new video game, you will have to save your whole allowance for so many weeks).

 

If he doesn't do his contribution - then his allowance gets docked. If he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions - he loses priviledges, like watching tv, video games, whatever.

 

Does that make sense?

[lexi29]

Age appropriate responsibilities for a 9 year old:

 

1. sleep in his own bed - as in NEVER sleep in his father's bed with him

2. dished every night, not just when asked

3. taking out the garbage

4. make his bed/clean his room

5. clean up mud when he brings it into the house

6. behave or suffer the reprecussions of losing a priviledge (in this one I am thinking back to your posts about his not behaving while house hunting, or riding in the car etc.)

 

Basically he needs to already have taken responsibilities for his own actions (which he has not) and begun to contribute to the overall household.

 

For his contribution to the household, he should get an allowance, perhap a dollar or two or even five a week (with which he will begin to learn fiscal responsibility - like if you want something like a new video game, you will have to save your whole allowance for so many weeks).

 

If he doesn't do his contribution - then his allowance gets docked. If he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions - he loses priviledges, like watching tv, video games, whatever.

 

Does that make sense?

 

 

Makes perfect sense. thanks.

1. he hasn't slept in dad's bed since they moved to the new place (rule my fiance made)

 

and he has behaved much better when in public over the last few months. No problems at all. I like the allowance thing. Good idea.

[lexi29]

I guess I had not realized that his behavior is immature for his age because I am not around any other kids. I do think he doesn't fit in because of the way he acts but some of it is just other kids being mean and THEM not being taught correctly by their parents. For example my fiance went to pick him up from a school function and there were two kids on the playground with his son. The two kids were playing together and my fiance's son tried to play with them and they yelled at him so he walked away and picked up a jump rope and started jumping. My fiance said the one kid started running around the playground and ran by his son and hit him in the chest so hard it knocked him down (he has a bruise there). Fiance's son just got up, didn't cry but looked like he wanted to and picked up his jump rope and tried jumping again. Fiance said this kid did this for absolutely no reason at all and the kid's father was standing right there and didn't say a word to him. My fiance said he would have confronted the kid's father but since he is new to this school he didn't wnat to start trouble. Also said if the kid's father wasnt' there he would have yelled at the kid for what he did.

 

I told him I would have told his son to take that jump rope and smack the other kid in the face with it (because it made me mad he was treated like that) However, his son was taught that you don't hit or kick or spit on anyone and he knows if he hits back he will get in trouble (and he fears that) so he won't fight back. So in teaching him to be a good kid (not fighting or hitting others) he's basically a wimp. NOt sure what one can do.

[lexi29]

Also I feel so bad for him because I have a feeling he gets teased alot. The other day he was sitting near the sink watching me dry my hair and he was looking at himself in the mirror and smiling and I said "Oh are you checking out how cute you are??" nad he looked at me said "why do you say I'm cute, everyone else says I'm ugly, I know I'm not cute. And I told him he's VERY cute (he is) and don't let anyone tell him otherwise.

[allina]

I don't think this is related to him being an old child. I was an only child and had no problems interacting as a kid, I never got picked on.

 

I think the best way to help this child is to increase his self esteem and make him less clingy. From what you've posted here he's too attached to his parents, doesn't have his own hobbies and identity and can be over sensitive. This makes him an easy target for other children.

 

I also gather that this child hasn't had the easiest and calmest childhood so far and I know a lot of emotional issues can stem from that.

[SierraRose]

I have an 8 year old son. He is not whimpy, but very polite and a sence of humor. His dad lives in another state and they only see each other on alternating weekends. My concern was that my son was not having enough "man time" and learning how to stick up for himself if need be. I mean, as a mom, I can only each him so much. Yes, use your words; however, words arent going to help much if he is being physically threatened.

I had enrolled him in karate for about a year and it really boosted his self confidence. Karate has stopped and now he is enrolled in wrestling, which he loves. I am happy too; he is learning to defend himself with out hitting...IMO, if someone does come after him, he knows at least how to take that person to the ground. Enough to send the message "don't mess with me."