TheSilentRain Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 ]I broke up with my ex in oct and we have been trying to reconcile getting back together since jan. So we were apart for about 3.5 months. We have basically been talking to each other and relaying what the problems were in our relationship, saying how much we love each other, and saying how we want to work things out. The problem is, I am ready to commit and be his girlfriend, and he is telling me he is not ready to commit. He said that because I have broken up with him so many times (about 3) he said he is scarred to commit because i might break up with him again. He said that trust takes time and what not (and i agree) and that he has yet to build the trust with me to commit - basically trust that I wont leave him again. I told him the reason why I broke up with him those times was because he was doing shady things (flirting with girls on myspace, acting distant and insensitive, creating online accounts... etc) I left because I was unhappy and he was not treating me right. He acknowledges the wrong he has done and understands his play in me leaving, but, he doesnt want to commit to be because of it?!> I have admitted to my wrong doings as well and we do have open and honest communication when it comes to how our relationship was previously.[/sIZE][/FONT] Also, when we started rekindling the relationship (in Jan), he told me he had started to see another girl. I told him if we are to continue to progress with our relationship, that he needed to let her go. He did - or so he says, lol. So now, its just him and I. On all other accounts, we act like bf/gf. We spend a lot of time together, he even posted pics of us on his online networking site (think myspace, facebook, etc) saying how much he loves me and basically putting it out there that we are "together" YET our status still say "single So now, here I am, in a gray area with a man I am in love with who doesnt want to commit (for the aforementioned reasons). We have not had sex yet (after a month of us talking) and I am scared to do so without a commitment from him. I dont want this to become THAT type of relationship where we ACT like bf/gf but we really arent. I told him that I dont want to take it to that level (having sex) because i know my expectations of him will naturally increase. he said that its not a big deal because we have done it before, when we were together... that its not like we are strangers. he even went so far to say that I am using it as "leverage!" I told him that i dont want to give myself to someone who doesnt want to commit to me in that way. Why should I commit my physicallity to someone who doesnt (or is too afraid) to commit to me emotionally? guess my question is, being that its Valentines Day tomorrow, should I let him have the "cookies" even though he has told me that he is not ready to commit right now. I dont want it to become a situation where he can "have his cake and eat it too" ya know? I love him dearly and WANT to have sex, but I want to also have the sense of security that a relationship provides. My sense is telling me to wait (despite the holiday) until he says, "Yes, I want you to be my gf, and I your bf" to have sex. Some people are saying, "have sex, back off.. see how he acts" and others are saying, "dont do it... respect yourself and your needs" please help!!!!!
audrey_1 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Don't do it. I feel empty having sex without commitment. Some people can do the FWB, but I can't. It's not for me. It makes me feel used and resentful. Terrible. If you guys have a chance of working it out, and he's serious about it, then he won't mind your passing on sex for Valentine's Day while the status between you two is up in the air. Leverage? Hmm. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. But you broke up with him, so he probably does have reservations about you. Rightfully so, I guess. Having sex with him may be the only way he thinks you're truly serious about him, though if you're not comfortable with it, then you shouldn't do it. You'd just be going through the motions, which sucks for both of you.
Author TheSilentRain Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Thanks so much for the advice! My intuition is sort of guiding me in that direction as well. I guess a part of me is scared that he'll think me not wanting to have sex is me not being invested enough, in turn perpetuating his fear of me leaving... lol... i dont know if that makes any sense.... But you're right... if he really does love me and wants to make this work, he will respect that decision. I want him to be ready too....
Author TheSilentRain Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 ugh... so wait.. I should do it? Or i shouldnt do it??!?!?
Trialbyfire Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Your ex wasn't ready to commit while in the relationship or out of the relationship, regardless if he's now trying to use the trust issue as an excuse. A guy who's shady while in a relationship, already has issues. If you think about it, he's now got his freedom and doesn't want to let it go. Why would you want to bond further with a guy who's not all in?
Ramrod Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Uh, it's only a holiday, not to mention a holiday created by Hallmark to sell more greeting cards, Russell Stover's (Godiva et. al.) to sell more chocolates, and by FTD andf other florist's to sell more flowers, boquets and arrangements. If your going to allow this date to pressure you into what you and I BOTH perceive to be a big mistake, then you need professional help. Because it's Valentine's Day is ALL the more reason NOT to have sex with him. Let him know this much is true "No ticket, NO laundry"
Author TheSilentRain Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Thanks for the advice! I went on craigslist and posted the same question and BOY are they harsh out there... Some people think Im crazy... others think I am being controlling... most think that having sex is NOT a good idea... I dont think its controlling to look our for my emotions. I KNOW how I will feel afterwards... I will feel so sad and so empty knowing that he cannot give himself emotionally while I have given myself physically and emotionally... just sad I want to be with him.. I want us to be together and work on our relationship knowing we are committed to each other. He wants to wait and build trust and THEN get into a relationship... i dont see how that can work... how can we work on being together if there is no committement? Im so confused... If a man really loves a woman, will he wait to have sex?
MeMyself&I Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Im so confused... If a man really loves a woman, will he wait to have sex? The bottom line is you have to do what you can live with. If you are insecure (and rightly so I feel) going into a sexual relationship w/o commitment then DON'T DO it. He is aware of your feelings and if you give in he is going to think he can just use you because you are willing to let him. I say willing because you have a choice....not to be mean or judgmental. If we don't value what is important to us, why is somebody else going to? Now if you are someone that is able to do this and it does not go against your morals or how you feel about love, respect and sex It could have maybe worked because you aren't allowing yourself to go against your beliefs. I know people that have done this and it sometimes works out. But that's the exception not the norm. But that's normally in a new relationship. He has already had a relationship with you so until you know he's working toward one again with you don't let yourself be used. Like I said if you weren't looking for a future/relationship with him it would be different but by giving in you wouldn't be giving him any reason to work at getting you back. I also depends on the guy. The guy I just broke up with I dated before over a year ago. We talked about the relationship again and were both ready to try again and we hopped right back into bed and it wasn't an issue. The difference is that although we hopped right back into bed we both committed to a relationship. Hope this makes sense. Be strong. Value yourself and he will value you. Here is a quote I heard. "You only get the best out of others when you get the best out of yourself" You could change "best" with "respect" and it still applies. Best of luck
rainbowbrite Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 hell no!!!!!! why on gods green earth would u give him what he wants if he wont give u what you want. and another thing? that means hes cheating on u with his current gf? that is effed up. he will still not ever go out with u if he can have all of u and another girl. make urself valuable to him, make yourself sumtn to work for. not sumtn to disrespect
Geishawhelk Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 ... If a man really loves a woman, will he wait to have sex? You are kidding, right....? If a man really loves a woman, he cannot WAIT to have sex with her. If, however, a man doesn't love a woman - he cannot WAIT to have sex with her..... I know, that's a cynical remark, but it seems that men (and I'm going by what I have seen some men say here) are far more able and capable of having sex without any kind of emotional attachment at all. Women seem to need the emotion. They seem to need to know that if a man is screwing them, he's doing it with love. In this case? Ahem..... No. Nowhere near. No Way. No How. No.
Trialbyfire Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 It's a rare man indeed, where sex is an indication of any deeper emotion or commitment.
wowIlose Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 You want to elaborate on why you would break up with him 3 times? Since when is "creating accounts" grounds for a break up? Maybe I am missing something here and there is more to it. What kind of "flirting" was he doing? Its easy to mistake flirting for simple chat and common courtesy. I see girls with boyfriends always write what can be misrepresented as flirtatious messages on facebook You broke up with him 3 times... what do you expect from him? If hes not willing to change the first, second or third then he won't do it the 4th... and if he does its going to be temporary and you'll be right back where you started. That being said if your looking for a relationship then by having sex you won't get it. I guarantee you won't get it. Why? Because by doing so your giving him the ultimate prize for being in one and if he already has the best part then why would he commit? Think about it. Good luck.
lookingforward1 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 This is EXACTLY what I am dealing with in some ways. I never fully committed (I was always afraid to talk about spending our life together and it really bothered him) to my boyfriend because he was doing a lot of shady stuff. We have tried keeping the intimacy without the rest of the relationship because that was the only part that seemed to work well... I just can't pull it off. It's too painful for me to sleep with someone when I have unresolved emotions.... I love him, but know beyond a doubt that he is not a good person for me on many levels. I get hurt easily, even though I know I can't spend my life with him. The intimacy was our best/most uncomplicated element so going back there is emotionally very painful. Nobody can tell you what's right and wrong for you, but for me it is extremely hard. good luck whatever you decide to do.
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