sarahcox Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Hi everyone, I have been searching the net high and low for some advice or just wisdom and finally today stumbled onto this page - I was delighted!! So here goes, any and all opinions will be valued.... I am 29 yo, divorced with a 1 year old baby girl. I am financially independent and have a great career, good friends and a good life. About two months ago, on the advice of a friend, I posted an ad on a site in search of someone to start a relationship with - someone I can chat to, spend good times with, have fun and generally enjoy life - which includes the eventual intimacies - should it lead there. Thing is, I was completely NOT looking for a serious relationship at that point, I just wanted someone I can spend some time with on custody weekends where my baby girl was at her daddy. So, once again on advice of a friend - in his infinite wisdom - I posted that I was looking for someone that was preferably married or involved. Thinking that it would make things easier as I wouldn't end up with someone that needed to move things to the next step blah blah blah... I can enjoy the good times and the wife / gf can have the grumpy days and such... (boy was I naive) Sooooo, as best laid plans go...I met a couple of really nice guys, went on some great coffee dates and one or two dinners. Then, enter stage left - my MM. This was approximately 6 weeks ago. He caught me completely by surprise and I couldn't believe that I had met someone as great, as complimentary to my own personality, someone I share so many things in common with - that is exactly the problem. I was not, in my wildest dreams, expecting to meet the man of my dreams! He is married, with one daughter - 10yo. They have been seperated for the past 5 years. Live in the same house but have seperate bedrooms, living spaces etc. They share only their daughter (that is what he has told me anyway). He has not and cannot leave, he says, cos the wife is very unstable - has been in and out of institutions, bi-polar, suicidal etc.etc.etc (also what he has told me). We have been seeing each other since the first day we met. For some reason though - apart from the odd breakfast here and there - I am totally unable to get hold of him or spend time with him over weekends (which has raised a couple of flags on his account of the situation at home). Our relationship only became intimate about a week ago, and it was out of this world. He does however constantly remind me that what we share is not purely sexual. He has never met anyone like me and only yesterday, that he loves me. Here's my dilemma - which is the stock standard dilemma us OW's seem to find ourselves in all the time it seems... I really have a lot of feelings for this man and I have fallen completely, totally and enitirely madly in love with him. It is making me physically sick that we cannot be with one another whenever we want to. I have met most of his friends and his office staff; which makes me think he is honest about the home situation, who knows. So what do I do - it's only been 6 weeks I know, but I really do not want to hurt myself any more than I am already hurting. Do I give him the dreaded ultimatum or do I stay longer and hope he will do the right thing and move things forward and finally get that divorce? As I said, any and all opinions will be valued - but please be gentle Thanks, Sarah
Owl Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 OK...I'll be as gentle as I can be... First off...your friend who suggested you start dating married men? An idiot...clearly. This was complete and total foolishness, as you've now learned. Second...MM lie. You can tell when they're doing this...their lips start moving. Third...there is NO SUCH THING as being officially seperated and still living in the same house together for five years. Perhaps I'm wrong...and you can prove it one way or another. Ask to go to his place. And, ask to meet his "seperated wife". If they're seperated, and ONLY sharing their daughter, there's no reason why this should be any kind of issue whatsoever. None. If they're completely and totally emotionally seperate...then there should be no issues at all with the fact that he's dating and sleeping with you. She may not LIKE you, but there should be no issues with finding out for sure that she knows about you, right? I'd bet you a good amount his response will be negative. He'll come up with a ton of reasons why he can't do that...and they'll all be EXCUSES...not reasons. And THAT is how you'll know he's lying about his marriage to you...or not, if that's the case. Once you know the reality of his relationship with her...THEN you can start working out gameplans for your future. Make sense?
bentnotbroken Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Will this be the type advice that you will pass on to your own child. If you don't want a complete commitment date someone else's spouse or significant other. Go ahead and put in jeopardy the emotional well being of someone else's child. Do you want someone aiding in the emotional hurt of your child? I am really curious how you would advise your own child in this situation.
melodymatters Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 End it, NOW ! You are only 6 weeks in, you will survive. Otherwise it is quitre possible you will be in this situation for six YEARS. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughter : she deserves a happy mom and eventually a caring stepfather. Read the infidelity OW threads, your situation is text book. " Unstable wife, we don't sleep together, I'm only there for the kid/s" blah blah blah. Just GET OUT !!!! PS. the next time your " friend" makes a suggestion, I suggest, you do the opposite !
Geishawhelk Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 The next time some chauvinist makes a wisecrack about men being more intelligent, and I feel like contradicting him, I will think of this thread and know that as with everything, there is the exception that proves the rule....
Mr. Lucky Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Sooooo, as best laid plans go... A pun ??? We have been seeing each other since the first day we met. For some reason though - apart from the odd breakfast here and there - I am totally unable to get hold of him or spend time with him over weekends (which has raised a couple of flags on his account of the situation at home). What do you make of this? Mr. Lucky
Author sarahcox Posted February 14, 2009 Author Posted February 14, 2009 Hi all, Thanks so much for the replies... Today is, as I'm sure you all know, Valentines Day and I was taken to breakfast and given a gorgeous gift. So, I took some of the advice and asked him to come with my to a party tonight; as the party only starts after his daughter's bedtime there shouldn't be aby problems - he said he won't be able to, needs to do some work. Then I asked whether he want to come over for bfast tomorrow - you guessed it; no can do - he can see me on Monday, but is going to miss me terribly. So, eventhough I do believe that they are no longer in a happy relationship and might even be sleeping in seperate rooms - she does NOT know that he is seeing me or anyone outside of their R for that matter. I have decided to do the following - once again, please - any and all opinions valued.... He is leaving on next Saturday morning early am on a 14day trip with his best friend; they are doing a road trip via some African countries back home - a boy thing. So what I thought, we are going for dinner Friday night, I was thinking of writing him a letter explaining that I am already hurthing each time we have to say good-bye and I know that it will only get worse, so for both our sakes - I think it's better to call it off now and just go our seperate ways. I need to find someone who if free to be in a relationship with me, for whom I am not an option or a number 2 but a real, factional part of their life - their whole life - bdays, holidays, xmas eveything...He has not left in 5 years and the best indicator of future behavious is past behaviour; so I assume it unlikely that he will leave in the next 5. I am not willing to waste 5 years on a probability. He has his trip to think about eveything and when he comes back he can tell me what he wants to do - but there are only 2 options. Me or her. No inbetweens or untils or buts etc. etc. I guess I'll then just have to grin and bear it - knowing that he might, and probably come back choosing her. But in the long run; I will survive and find someone available to love me the way I deserve,... Thanks all! S
Island Girl Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 You REALLY think they sleep in separate bedrooms? C'mon you can not be that naive! He has a full relationship with his wife. He just lies to her the same way he lies to you. You are giving him an ultimatum and you pretty much KNOW that he'll choose his wife. I know it -- I can guarantee it. There is nothing that you have shared in the last 6 weeks that will negate his lengthy marriage to his wife whom he has a family with. Just cut to the chase and tell him it's over. That you should have never gone looking for a MM in the first place and you are never going to be comfortable with 2nd place. Then tell your friend to stay out of your love life and that was horrible advice. THEN look for a man that is available for a relationship and all that comes with that.
Geishawhelk Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 As usual, Island Girl is absolutely 100% on the button. I would have advised exactly the same thing. I would however, in all probability, have been a lot more blunt, straightforward and to the point....
jj33 Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 It COULD be true. Sometimes people do live in the same house while "separated" while a divorce is going though. I have a friend who lived through that hell for 4 years. But how likely is it that it would be going on for 5 years? Not likely. You need to see separation papers know WHY its taking this long. You need to have hard facts before you believe it. Otherwise run so fast you dont even leave skid marks. And if your user name is your real name change it. This is a public forum you dont really want the whole wide world knowing your business.
Author sarahcox Posted February 15, 2009 Author Posted February 15, 2009 Thanks again....I am slowly mustering up the courage to call it quits... Not using my real name, thanks for the head-up though Will keep you all posted!
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