Did depression break my relationship?

[noone]

My ex-boyfriend left me 4 months ago because he “couldn’t make me happy anymore”. Yes, we did argue over little things towards the end of our relationship. It was not like me at all. At the time, I just started a new job, in a new city, and was super overworked and stressed (and my ex was on a different continent). When my ex broke up with me, he said he wanted me to be happy. I know he still loved me a lot when he left. But since then, he has stopped all communication with me. I think it’s his way of moving on.

 

A month ago, I called after 3 months of NC. I told him I missed him and still loved him. He quickly came back with: “Too bad I don’t”. That really hurt. Then he said he’s fine talking to me about “happy things” but he doesn’t want to hear “crazy **** like that” (that I still love him). After that day, we’ve spoken once more and he told me that I wasn’t allowing him to move on (by calling). Then, he stopped picking up the phone and I stopped calling.

 

Recently I was diagnosed with moderately severe depression. I suspect I got this when I first moved to the new city. My sudden change of behavior was probably a result of my depression. I really want to explain this to my ex and ask for his forgiveness. I also yearn for his love and support. But I know this is not “happy things” so should I…

 

a) try to get better myself and contact him again a few months later, when I’m happier, when perhaps we could have the tiniest chance of getting back together

b) tell him about my depression and ask for his support (not getting back, just friendship)

c) never contact him again and lose the love of my life

 

I know many of you will tell me to move on. I have tried, and I can’t. Maybe it’s depression. I don’t know. Even happy things in my life make me sad because I can’t share it with him anymore.

 

Just FYI, he doesn’t have a new gf and probably won’t for a while (he has told me it takes him a long time to move on). We didn’t break up because of trust issues or cheating. There was just too much sadness. We were in a long distance relationship. I am looking into moving to his country (not entirely for him but also a change of scene for myself).

[Toodle]

I am in a similar situation - we moved into a flat which was too small. I get claustrophobic, got depressed, started pushing her away, arguying, lost my sex drive so she felt rejected. We moved out but over 6 months it had taken its toll, and she broke up with me 4 days into living in the new flat. She didn;t ackowledge the depression and seemed drained by the whole experience.

 

So far I have seen her once and mentioned I was seeing a therapist. I am doing this for myself, and being positive /neutral when she initiates communication with me. I feel I have to accept that I blew it unfortunately - maybe one day she'll feel secure enough to try again, but I can't make that assumption or hope for it.

 

I'm sorry I can't suggest more, but thought you might like to know someone else is in the same boat. If anything progresses I'll let you know how it happened

[carhill]

OP, I'll share two things...

 

First, believe his words. When a man speaks negative words, there is no meaning between the lines.

 

Second, if you merely shared that you loved him and missed him, but did not accept responsibility for your role in the relationship and breakup and the steps you are now taking to rectify those issues within yourself, you made an incomplete attempt to reconcile.

 

Taking responsibility for your own behaviors, perspectives and "faults" is key to having a healthy relationship. You can't control what your ex thinks or does. You can only share your perspective and hope there is a meeting of the minds and souls.

 

Since he's not answering your phone calls, try writing him a letter. Be honest about what you've shared here. Then, let him process that. He knows how to find you

[noone]

Thanks Carhill. I believe him when he said he didn't love me. Who would love an emotional wreck? I just hope he still has a place in his heart for the pre-depression me. And maybe one day, when I am back to the real me, there could be once again "a meeting of the minds and souls".

 

I will write a letter to him but how can I avoid doing the following:

 

1.) sound like I'm using depression as an excuse for my previous actions

2.) sound like the break up (my ex) caused my depression and I'm putting the "blame" on him

3.) scare him away with my depression / mental illness

4.) sound selfish for asking him to go through this with me (I know it's not fun to support people with depression) or wait for me (for a second chance when I get myself out of depression)

 

I don't know how long it will take to recover but I don't want depression to take away the best thing I had in my life.

[LoveisWar]

Hi, the position you are in is similar to my experience, with the exception that my ex was the one with the emotional problems/depression.

There were other factors involved but coping with someone who is all over the place emotionally is tough to deal with. You say who would love an emotional wreck? The fact is i still love her even inspite of that. Try not to put yourself down, people do love ones with depression.

If you decide to write your letter, doing as Carhill suggests and being open would be a good idea, i know from my experience if my ex had done that it would of shown that she was at least putting in some effort. Perhaps in the letter refrain from 'asking' for his help and support. If he still has genuine concern for you then the ball really is in his court to offer that care. Similarly, if he has compassion for you then the depression will not scare him away. Just try to explain it in a factual way, explaining how you to plan to cope and get on even with depression on your own. This will then let him know you will get by with or without his help(even though you may have hope that he will help you).

At the end of the day once your letter is sent it's his call whether to get back or not. Either way, i wish you all the best with your situation, and dont forget even with depression you are still able to be loved Peace..