EnigmasMuse Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I wasn't sure where to put this...maybe parenting would have been better, I don't know. I was over at a friends house yesterday evening...and we were all sitting around chatting about this and that..... I don't even really remember how we got on the subject exactly, but I do know we were discussing, her husband and what a clean freak he is. Nothing wrong with that, if that's how he rollls, lol! Anyway he was telling me about how clean he likes things, the house, the cars, etc. Well I was taken back by what he tells me next. While he was discussing his "clean" issue, he then says, since he is such a clean/germaphobic neat freak....that there are have been times...he would remind his son when he (who is 8) is in the shower, to bathe really good and to make sure he gets his penis really clean. He even admitted there had been times when he didn't truat his son getting himself clean as he could be and would go in the there pull the shower curtain back and clean his son's penis for him!! they have a daughter who is 6 and he said he didn't do that to her...just his son. I then told him that wasn't right, and his son is old enough to do that on his own. His wife then says, "Why would you tell something like that, it is to muuch info for people!" She didn't say it in a surprised way or really angry..but just kind of like, you don't tell people that kind of stuff way. He then tells me, he knows he probably shouldn't but feels his son probably doesn't do that a good of a job at bathing.(its not like he goes out and rolls around naked in the dirt.) He says he doesn't do it as much now, but did it more so when he was 5, 6, years old, but now that he is 8, still does it on occasions. A small child, or a baby still in diapers that can't clean themselves well, I might could see, but at that age, I would think he knows how to bathe. This seems to be more about the dad than the son and his cleanlyness anyway. This just doesn't sit well with me at all. I have a son that is older..and I nor his dad (my ex) had ever done anything like that. Has anyone else? Not only do I think its odd he does this, but I think its odd he would even tell someone. Thoughts?
Still Trying Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 NOT healthy. It's the dad. I remember being that age and having my father stick his nose up at me when I came out of the shower once . He wasn't as nice as he should have been about it but basically I got a quick lesson in butt crack washing - not personally from him though! I was given enough information about cleaning my OWN body that I figured it out - it's OK to clean your butt crack from time to time. Not a bad time frame to figure that out right? better than being 16 and told that it's time to start combating BO. That goes beyond what I would consider normal for a child of that age. Kids at that age need their privacy just like we do. Nope, not normal.
Geishawhelk Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I can understand your discomfiture. It's just weird, but I would extract a crumb of comfort: The fact that he's admitted to this would indicate that it's not abusive. Not in the paedophile/sexually intended sense of the word. He's obsessive, and the danger here, lies in the fact that he may well be giving his son a complex and pass on the obsessive behaviour. That's the damage. But I don't think he looks upon it as something arousing. cleanliness osession. Secondly, his son is getting to an age where anything associated with his sexuality is going to be an embarassment. He needs time alone, and that's an infringement of his privacy. I don't know how friendly you are with them (very, very good friends or just freinds....?) but do you think it might be worth having a word with the mom? It's really difficult to know how to approach this.
JackJack Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 This is JMO....yes, its inappropriate, wheather its a "clean issue" on the dad's part or not...its still not right. I think he crossed that boundary IMO. I have known many people who are neat...and like things clean and they are obsessive about it... but they are usually obsessive about things or how clean the are themselves not about how clean another might be...not to the point to where they go and check or clean someone else themselves. I would discuss it more with your friend if she is willing too. If not perhaps she is bothered by the issue as well, which might be a red flag.
Still Trying Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 yeah, It's not sexual abuse, he wouldn't admit to it if it was, he's OCD and I agree that's where the danger with this one lies. There's very little the OP can or should do in this situation unless the parents bring it up again, I wouldn't go there.
runner Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 poor kid. his dad is passing on his OCD onto him, not to mention some potential intimacy issues down the road. definitely not cool
tinke Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 yes, the father appears to have poor boundries on where his "illness" should stop. It is one thing to carry this burden, but he is now inflicting it upon someone else. Once, when the child was younger, should have been enough. It is no longer a suggestion, teaching, when he continues to "command" the act, or intrudes on the child's personal space. I have to wonder if he is seeking psychiatric help for his condition, it seems to consume him. Above all, where is the wife in this matter? She must be very passive in this, according to her blaise response with company.
Author EnigmasMuse Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Thanks for the replies.....Yeah its just odd and i do think a line was crossed as well. He is at the age now where that is not right to be doing. Yes, the dad is very OCD thats for sure. They were seperated recently and just got back together a few weeks ago due to his infidelity and they are trying to work on things. Odd topic for him to tell me after all that has happened. Perhaps he was trying to passs time, wasn't sure what to talk about or felt it would take the focus off what he did to his family..... Anyway, I just know that neither of their kids care much about being around him...espcially since he has come back to work on things....they seemed much happier when he was gone....he had been gone so long maybe they got used to it...it could be they just feel akward right now with him being back and trying to put the family back together. They need time I guess to readjust. I do think its odd though and was an odd topic for yesterday, but just wanted others opinons, thanks so much.
Trialbyfire Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Okay, this is odd. Why wouldn't the son have been circumcised at birth, if this was something of concern? On the otherhand, I sit back and think about it another way. What if a mother was concerned about a son not cleaning behind his ears and cleaned them for an 8 year old? Would everyone be reacting the same way? Anyone with any exposure to the average 8 year old, is aware that personal hygiene isn't top priority. Is this the father's problem or our problem with having too much concern about sexual parts v. other body parts?
Author EnigmasMuse Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Okay, this is odd. Why wouldn't the son have been circumcised at birth, if this was something of concern? On the otherhand, I sit back and think about it another way. What if a mother was concerned about a son not cleaning behind his ears and cleaned them for an 8 year old? Would everyone be reacting the same way? Anyone with any exposure to the average 8 year old, is aware that personal hygiene isn't top priority. Is this the father's problem or our problem with having too much concern about sexual parts v. other body parts? Actually I did ask him that when he told me what he did...that was my orginal thought was maybe he wasn't circumcised and his dad thought he wasn't getting clean down there. However, he told me he was circumcised. I have a son and I agree, personal hygiene isn't top priority at that age..most like to get dirty and hate taking baths anyway lol! I just remember telling my son to wash good, he would always so, "OK", but I sure wasn't going to go behind him and check that area.
Geishawhelk Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 We've flogged this horse before, but not being circumcised has absolutely nothing to do with cleanliness. If a child is taught how to clean well - and believe me, at the first sign of trouble, they have that lesson re-inforced - then it makes no difference whether a boy is circumcised or not. Just as snip-happy as the Americans have been conditioned to become, equally, the British balk at the idea, unless there's good medical reason to do it. (Or religious. But that is a different [done-to-death] topic altogether).....
PandorasBox Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 "Is this odd?" Yes, I think its odd. However, even if he is one of these that has OCD about things, he still has no business putting his hands on other people's privates(espcially a 8 year old) to clean them, just because he thinks they might not be clean enough. I have known people with OCD and never known them to touch other people like that. If he is not already, he might need to seek some kind of counseling for this type os OCD issue.
tinke Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 If there is concern of the boy not cleaning properly, It doesn't deem necessary for the father to perform the job, why not just watch over with advice NOW AND THEN? At some point, one would want their children to know how to clean behind their ears on their own, and it seems logical to me, to allow them to do the job so they learn.
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