danpickard Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 So basically me (age 19 1/2) and my gf (age 18, just turned) broke up a few weeks ago after being together for over a year. We broke up because she says she couldnt handle all the arguing that occoured when in the last months it seemed to me like it was her causing most of the arguments instead of myself. We'd split in the past and that but i knew that this time was the end. i was so so upset and couldn't stop myself from crying, i had a puddle of tears in my lap on my jeans. Since the break up I'v wanted to see her every day. I have texted her a few times to see if she wanted to meet up for a chat but she didnt really have none of it. Since the split she has said some hurtful things like 'I just want to move on, forget the bad times, remember the good' but all i want is for us to be back together. I love her so so much, i found myself doing things for her that i didnt know i was capable of, writing love poems, sweet letters the lot. She keeps saying to me that she wants to be left alone, so i do so, unwillingly and then i always get a text from her a few days later and it messes with my head coz once she starts talking to me, after a while she seems to like fizz out and replies with short blunt texts which f***s me up even more. I always say to her text me when you wanna talk and things like that, I'll be here for you, etc. I've also found out that she has had "a drunken kiss" with someone else and possibly slept with him but cant be sure of that. However in the early hours of the morning she asked if i was awake, which i was, then she asked if we could be good friends without bein all awkward and off with eachother and i told her how i felt like she's treated me unfairly and spoken to me like garbage over the past few weeks and things like that, but im not sure if that was the right thing to do or whether i was blinded my by own stubborness. I have tried calling her a number of times but she never answered the phone, but after out short conversation i found out she was doing coursework, so i called her, and to my surprise she answered it! All i said was did she need any help then we got chatting for a few mins and talking to her was weird, i cut the conversation short coz i was getting upset. I'v sent her a couple of texts since this morning but havnt got a reply, i hate it when she doesnt reply, why do girls do this? The truth is i really want her back, i want her, her smile, her laugh, her hugs, to make love to her, everything! Can someone please help me and tell me what im doing wrong, how i should go about talking to her (if i should at-all), and how to cope with not being with her. I feel so alone and all i want is to have her back but doubt that's going to happen.
janjan Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Diagnosis: You are being used to feel wanted and desired. Treatment: No contact, will feel like crap for a while but DON'T give in. Go out more with friends, meet new girls to talk to. You're 19 man, seriously. Even if this girl really likes you and is confused, at this point you're handling it like mush. Do the NC to pull yourself together, and after that, you will either be happy single, have met someone else, or be able to handle yourself with dignity and control when interacting with her.
Author danpickard Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 I've tried that then she just talks to me, however I did contemplate to replying to her text saying 'am i awake' Some days I am fine and feel happy then the next i feel like dirt. When I've told her how i feel, like where to go i feel good, but then the next day my emotions feel like jelly. And whats the NC? :S lol
janjan Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I've tried that then she just talks to me, however I did contemplate to replying to her text saying 'am i awake' Some days I am fine and feel happy then the next i feel like dirt. When I've told her how i feel, like where to go i feel good, but then the next day my emotions feel like jelly. And whats the NC? :S lol Yes, I and a lot of others here know this exact feeling. Feel like you're going to make it one day, feel like total crap the next. It is a part of getting over it, the days you feel like crap DO NOT mean you have to give in and contact her. Think of it as purging something from your system. You are in a bad way and you need to get a handle on yourself. NC = No Contact. Do this, ignore all attempts to draw you back in. If meeting up in person is unavoidable, do your best to just acknowledge her and go your way, and thought this can be very hard, don't get nervous, or at least don't let it show. You can't instantly change your feelings, but you can control the things that influence them.
Author danpickard Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 I do try my hardest but sometimes i just give in. I went to go and see her a few hours ago and asked if i could meet her by her house. I found out she was going on a double date and felt compelled to tell her how i felt and thus went to go and see her. I rang her and told her where i was and she said she couldnt and there was some awkwardness, she said she wanted to go but i always said no as i felt like i hadnt finished what i wanted to say to her. She got annoyed at this even though i felt that i wasn't doing a thing wrong. Then we just started chattin like normal friends do which was nice, and then we started talking about meeting up coz i feel like i'v got a lot to get off my chest to her, so i said she could come over on Monday and she got a bit annoyed/didnt like the idea of that incase 'something happened' she'd rather just go get something to eat. Do you think meeting her at-all is a good idea? I feel like i can handle the situation ok but i know i'd want to tell her that i love her or something like that. For some reason i dont think that i can get over her until i at least see her. i feel so hurt at the fact that she might be sleeping with another person and i should be getting on like she is but i just cant seem to do it. When im like this i just want to go jump off a bridge
wowIlose Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I feel like i can handle the situation ok but i know i'd want to tell her that i love her or something like that. For some reason i dont think that i can get over her until i at least see her. No you can't handle the situation. Mentally your very weak right now. Your being extremely clingy and its a major turn off. Your losing all respect by acting the way you are. Don't beat yourself up over the fact that your not moving on like she is. It takes a long time when your still in love with someone and they leave you. Don't worry about if shes sleeping with someone or not. The point is she doesn't want to be with you anymore - respect that and tell her to respect you by not contacting you anymore. Be nice and calm and wish her the best. Tell her you can't be friends because its not realistic and leave it there. Walk away - it will get worse before it gets better but eventually the pain will lessen. At the end of it all stay true to yourself, don't let a girl ruin you. Good luck.
Author danpickard Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 So since all of that i wished her a happy valentines day and left it at that to try and get on. Then she texts me the next day (think it was Sunday) askin for my help, to lend her money coz her credit card and money has been stolen, i replied but didnt say yes and didnt say no. We kept talking and i said that i thought she was taking the micky a bit and was bein a bit selfish, do you not agree? She didnt like this...of course and she said stuff like; i came to you for help nothing else, i know you're the one i can trust and used to feel safe telling you things until today, now i know how you rele feel. I thought that was a bit rash considering i could have told her where to go. So one thing leads to the next and she tells me shes got a new boyfriend:lmao:. I thought thats not right, so i try ringing her just to find out about it all and she doesnt answer so i keep trying and she says leave her alone or she wont speak to me ever again, and of course i dont want that so i gave up trying to ring her then she says 'i dont want to see you or speak to you ever again, leave me alone forever, i dont want anything to do with you and from this point on your nothing to do with me' So naturally I cried my eyes out. Then i send her a long goodbye text sayin good luck with your exams, have a nice birthday etc...and she replies askin me to meet her from work the following evening. So i got some money out, put it in an envelope with a little note saying (You know what this is for, I'll always find myself doing stuff like this for you, have a nice birthday, love forever and always Dan) and i went to meet her, I was feeling so so nervous. And i only go to the wrong place, so i have to get a cab accross town to go and meet her, she was laughin at the situation and said dont worry about it, when i was thinking to myself no i want to meet you so i managed to convince her to wait so she did. We sat on the train and had a chat, she was talking to me just like i was a normal friend. All i wanted to do was to kiss her and hold her. I pop the envelope in her bag without her noticing. So i start asking questions about her new boyfriend. Seemed like a couple of weeks after we broke up her and him were gettin it on and then he asked her out and they've already slept together. This of course made me upset and silent. All this after she said that she wasn't gonna go shack up with some other guy and she wouldnt be able to sleep with anyone for a long time and now look! She said her friends told her she seems happier, when i thought i made her happy. She gets in a cab and goes home, I just wanted to kiss her so badly. I still consider her as mine even though shes not. Im finding it hard to let go and dont know how to. So I walk around in the rain for a few hours just crying because of everything. She then finds the envelope in her bag with the money in and sends me a text saying; Dan you do know you deserve the best, im so grateful even if i have you as a friend, and said please stop crying i deserve better then her' so i said thank you for not blocking me out of her life forever and she says ' that im the most kindest person she knows and that things will be ok and that i'll find someone sspecial whos better for me etc. Then theres me thinking that all i want is to have her back coz it rele felt like she was the one. Why would she do this if she loved me? I cant see how she can move on so quickly, I was her first love, I did so much for her. Did i over committ myself or something? I just need some help or someone to analyse whats goin on inside her head or something. Thank you to all that have helped
janjan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Walk away - it will get worse before it gets better but eventually the pain will lessen. At the end of it all stay true to yourself, don't let a girl ruin you. How true! Wish I had this point of view a while ago! Yes come to think of it, you initiate No Contact, and at that point you expect it to get better gradually, but there are times you will have to feel worse before you feel better. But you have to persevere, otherwise you'll spend a very long time moping over someone who doesn't care.
janjan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Dude, this is an f-ed up situation. You see those girls that yo-yo you, they talk good with you and then get upset over one thing and cut you off, stay away from them. Time away from someone like that will give you perspective on just how selfish that is. You are only getting worse and worse by maintaining this contact. Are you here for help with this situation, or are you here to share your downward spiral? Again, go no contact and don't look back. Find a few friends to talk about it to. As the above poster said, it will get worse before it will get better, but it will get better. As time passes, you will find yourself wtf-ing at the things you overlooked and the emotional abuse that you allowed yourself to take. Moving on does not mean from this moment, you get better and better instantly. There are times things will really get to you and you will really cry or really rant and rave to your friends, and you need to process that. You currently seek this girl's approval, and that is a BAD THING. Make short term sacrifice now to avoid long term pain.
wowIlose Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Well - Good job at handing your balls over on a platter... You acted like a big chump here, but I won't hold it against you. I've been there and done that. You need to separate yourself from her as soon as you can or you will drive yourself insane. You need to realize your being very unattractive. You need to man up and respect yourself. Shes in another relationship and your basically telling her that you will always be there for her no matter who shes sleeping with - this isn't exactly the best stance to take when trying to get someone back, now is it? I know it hurts but your best option is to separate yourself from her. Let her live her life and start living yours. It's not going to be easy at first - your still in love with her and its going to take a lot of time for you to get out of that stage. Now grow a pair and take the advice - learn from the experiences of others on here. Good luck.
Surfer Dude Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 First of all, you're acting sappy, like a total chump and a tool. And that's ok, we've all been there. I was once also the guy who laid drunk on the street, begged and pleaded, swore to give her my unconditional love no matter where she was, wrote letters and poems... etc. But I grew so much and evolved so much, I don't ever see myself falling into that behavior again. I hope you'll reach that too. Now, let me give you some insights: arguments, irritability, shallowness that occur in the last few weeks of the relationship - it means she is already sleeping with someone else and you have become the guy who is stopping her from having fun monkey branch theory - when a monkey is traversing a forest, he never lets go of one branch until he firmly holds the next one. Likewise, women never let go of their relationships (no matter how unhappy), until they have found something new and it's 100% certain. That's why it often seems like they have jumped into new relationships hours or days after breaking up. They didn't, they had someone lined up. she is acting totally selfish, using you for favors while giving back nothing but disrespect. It happened to me as well, she'd call me to help her out with something and when she was done, she'd insult me and tell me she never wanted to see me again... until she needed another favor! hahaha As the previous poster said, acting needy and clingy, pleading and begging is extremely unattractive and she probably thinks you're pathetic. Giving her money, promising to love her? What's up with that. You need to kick her off that pedestal. It is true that she is disrespecting you, but she's doing that only because you are disrespecting yourself and you are practically inviting her to disrespect you. When you open yourself to such treatment, very few people can resist treating you like sh*t. I know you think this is the right one for you and that you'll never meet anyone ever again, but nothing could be further from the truth. There are many women out there who are nice and respectful and won't create trouble for you, so get out there and meet them. Sleep with other women. Once you sleep with like 10 girls, you won't even remember this chicks name. Chances are, once she sees you with other girls, she'll beg you to take her back - it usually works like that, but by then you won't find any reason to take her back, because you'll be having so much fun with other girls Also, the fact that she left is totally ok. Women are also free beings and have the right to their own choices and happiness. They just don't have the right to be disrespectful. So tell her to shape up and leave you alone for good. You need to do a lot of self work before you can rise a new man unhindered by societal chains of sappy love and hollywood romance! haha You will be fine.
Surfer Dude Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Oh and, in your next relationship, please don't fall into the trap of "romantic love" portrayed by books and movies. That sh*t is a recipe for disaster. Be a man, expect her to treat you as such, treat her with respect, demand respect, be fun and unpredictable, don't be boring, don't be needy, clingy, desperate, convey confidence, personality and high value... you get the picture. Don't be the nice guy who finishes last.
Author danpickard Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 You see those girls that yo-yo you, they talk good with you and then get upset over one thing and cut you off, stay away from them. Time away from someone like that will give you perspective on just how selfish that is. You are only getting worse and worse by maintaining this contact. Are you here for help with this situation, or are you here to share your downward spiral I'm here for both man, i feel telling my story is helping me to let everything out and get over her but also need guidance coz i havnt got a clue what to do. I'll definately try the no contact thing too
Author danpickard Posted February 19, 2009 Author Posted February 19, 2009 You need to realize your being very unattractive. You need to man up and respect yourself. Shes in another relationship and your basically telling her that you will always be there for her no matter who shes sleeping with - this isn't exactly the best stance to take when trying to get someone back, now is it? I know it hurts but your best option is to separate yourself from her. Let her live her life and start living yours. It's not going to be easy at first - your still in love with her and its going to take a lot of time for you to get out of that stage. Now grow a pair and take the advice - learn from the experiences of others on here. Good luck. You're right, i am askin to get slapped in the face by her. I'll make no contact after I've got my money back from her and have a 'final goodbye' when i meet her for it and leave it at that
janjan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 You're right, i am askin to get slapped in the face by her. I'll make no contact after I've got my money back from her and have a 'final goodbye' when i meet her for it and leave it at that okay, well I would like WowILose and Surfer Dude to give input on this too, but I'm not sure about this. You gave her money and now it's another reason to keep contact. You can either (a) cut your losses now and just get out of it, or (b) get your money back, and once you do, say 'thanks catch you later' and then f-ing disappear. FORGET 'final goodbye'. Guys (Surfer, WowILose) please give input on this too, cuz I've never gotten jammed by a girl in this manner (money), so I don't know if it's best to forget the money, or get it back first then exit. But in any case, make a decision cuz the longer you put off 'sever contact' the more it will seem impossible.
wowIlose Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I would cut my losses in this situation. You've already given her the money, it will look ridiculous asking for it back and you will lose even more respect. Leave it alone man. I am not saying your never allowed to speak to her again but this isn't the time. Learn from this - don't make the same mistakes again. I am telling you right now dude, you do not want to lose yourself for this chick. Eventually down the road when your thinking straight you will realize how pathetic you acted... don't let that happen by avoiding unnecessary situations now. Its not going to be easy and its not going to be straight path to recovery but you will begin to feel better with time. Also keep in mind that any action to bring her closer to you at this time will only push her further away from you.
janjan Posted February 19, 2009 Posted February 19, 2009 I would cut my losses in this situation. You've already given her the money, it will look ridiculous asking for it back and you will lose even more respect. Leave it alone man. I am not saying your never allowed to speak to her again but this isn't the time. Learn from this - don't make the same mistakes again. I am telling you right now dude, you do not want to lose yourself for this chick. Eventually down the road when your thinking straight you will realize how pathetic you acted... don't let that happen by avoiding unnecessary situations now. Its not going to be easy and its not going to be straight path to recovery but you will begin to feel better with time. Also keep in mind that any action to bring her closer to you at this time will only push her further away from you. putting it like that, i agree completely with forgetting the money. after i posted, i remembered some situations i knew of where owing money became a way to drag things on and keep someone miserable. dude, just do it. no contact. we have been there. after some time, things will dawn on you. you will see your interactions in a new light. for example, you will come to realize that there were times you were patient and understanding when she did her ****, while she acted like a complete ******* when you did minor things. you will realize that you acknowledged your mistakes and apologized to her, and when you brought up her mistakes, she brushed it off. you will realize that you were thoughtful of her feelings while she never really gave a crap about yours, she was just following whatever gave her emotional charge. those are just a few of the things you might figure out with time away.
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