called him in the middle of the night

[kimberelly]

so i made the mistake of calling my ex in the middle of the night and left a message telling him i wanted to talk and get some things off my chest

he's always been a night owl so i figured he'd be awake but he didn't answer

 

now i'm not sure what i should do because i want to tell him how i feel, although i'm sure that he has an idea.

 

i broke up with him in august. we dated/lived together for 5 years (i'm 24, he's 26)

we were pretty close, not the most social people but it worked well for us because we were low key. however, now i feel as though maybe i shut myself off too much from other people because he was my best friend...and as much as i want him back i find it hard to tell him how i feel (which is what partially led to the break up, i ended up cheating on him because i felt he didn't care about me sexually anymore because we were having sex once a month, then afterwards i told him and broke up with him).

 

in the first couple months after the break up i was ready to move on, i moved into my own place and started dating this guy (whom i broke up with after a few weeks because i started missing my ex). at any rate, the first couple of months we were still able to remain in contact on pretty good grounds, i didn't feel confident about wanting to be back with him but we could tell each other how we felt and still feel comfortable around each other. he still called me pretty frequently, we still hooked up on occasion. one of those nights in september he told me that he loved me after we had a heart to heart. (i should mention that we never used the word love the entire time we dated because of an agreement we had on the confusion of the word).

 

after that night however, things didn't just go back to the way they were. there was too much damage and emotional baggage still lingering despite that fleeting moment. the time came for him to move into a new place after our old lease was over in october. he expressed some of his anxiety about bills/moving in with someone new; i offered for him to come and stay with me but he declined saying it was too soon to forgive and forget. also i should mention that he moved here from across the country to live with me about a year and a half ago and chose to stay instead of moving back home. i don't know if i should even read into that.

 

ever since october i have gone through a few phases, first of guilt (for breaking it off with him) - this one was very difficult to cope with. I apologized to him for leaving him, and being too ignorant to realize what i had before i put him through the stress of leaving, telling him i was over, and moving out. it made me feel better to get that off my chest but i realized that even though i felt i made some pretty horrific mistakes i needed to be comfortable with myself and figure out how to best move forward - to be aware of the flaws and find a positive way to express my regret. now that the guilt started to ease i instead just became overwhelmed with my desire to have him back. i didn't want to scare him away by telling him my desires but at the same time i felt i couldn't live with myself shutting my feelings for him away (especially since me not talking about my feelings is partially what led to the dissatisfaction of the relationship). when he agreed to meet to talk i basically just reiterated my apology and told him how thankful i was to have had the opportunity to know him and that he didn't completely shut off contact with me, i told him i didn't expect him to say or do anything in return but i just wanted to let him know i still really cared about him, and that i hoped that there was a way that we could reconcile. he accepted my apology but said he wasn't sure what i meant about reconcile since he had forgiven me. what i meant of course is that i hope there was a way that we could work things out, but i didn't want to put any pressure on him to immediately respond to that because i felt that i got my point across.

 

basically that leads to now, months of agonizing over this and feeling that i haven't been able to express my true feelings for him. we still hang out pretty frequently but there is an unspoken vibe of discomfort about how to act around each other. we do still hook up but very much less frequently. it's such a damn tease.

 

so my question is, what should i say when he calls me back? should i tell him how i feel or should i take a different approach? i don't want to put him on the spot because in some ways i figured if he still wanted me back then there isn't necessarily another conversation i should initiate about how i still love him. what should i do?

 

i don't want to be needy. i feel like i am. but i just feel devastated of the thought of losing him. i've been keeping myself occupied with hobbies/work/researching various "self improvement" methods, etc but i just can't shake this.

[Geishawhelk]

so i made the mistake of calling my ex in the middle of the night and left a message telling him i wanted to talk and get some things off my chest.

 

Yup.

"mistake" would be right.

never go back.

You should never call or make contact.

It's not healthy.

You think it helps you move on, but it doesn't.

 

so my question is, what should i say when he calls me back?

 

Don't answer.

Let it go, do not respond.

It was, as you put it, a mistake.

Two wrongs won't make a right.

let it lie, and walk away.

My guess is, he won't call back, but if he does, erase, delete, ignore.

 

should i tell him how i feel or should i take a different approach? i don't want to put him on the spot because in some ways i figured if he still wanted me back then there isn't necessarily another conversation i should initiate about how i still love him. what should i do?

 

i don't want to be needy. i feel like i am. but i just feel devastated of the thought of losing him. i've been keeping myself occupied with hobbies/work/researching various "self improvement" methods, etc but i just can't shake this.

 

He doesn't want you back.

It's over.

You're putting him on the spot just by trying to get in touch with him again.

he doesn't feel about you, the way you feel about him.

 

You ARE coming across as needy and desperate, and he doesn't want to initiate anything that would prolong both dialogue and agony.

 

You can shake this, but you have to let yourself shake it.

At the moment, you can immerse yourself in a multitude of different past-times, but unless you really accept this is complete history, you'll never get over it.

So accept it.

[UCLAMike]

Kimberly, do you love him and care about his well-being? Or have you outgrown the relationship but miss what you had? Be honest and take time to really think about this.

 

I disagree with the poster above.

 

Look, I've been here for 7 months just lurking around and I've read countless threads like yours. Many people here know NC is the way to save them from pain and they are right in saying that NC is required at times.

 

Sometimes, however, like in your case, it might not be the best. Take every advice with a grain of salt.

 

The cheating that you did, was that a mistake or your character? Only you know this. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. Sometimes people make mistakes and realize just how devastating their actions were and truly learn the first time.

 

You have to know something. You cheated on him. You could have done many things to deal with your issues with him but you took the most careless and hurtful approach. Trust is broken. He is broken. Nothing you say or do will convince him of the new image he has of you.

 

Getting back together after this is difficult. He may or may never want to get back with you. He has to see that you are for reals and have learned ur lessons.

 

Have you been supportive of him in his goals and career? Are you dragging him down or encouraging? This isn't simply about romance.

 

If you truly want him, for all his flaws and shortcomings, then I say fight for it. Fight for it until he calls it quits. Right now, I think he is in deep pain but still has hopes with you.

 

Speak to him honestly. Tell him how sorry you are. Let him know that whatever decision he makes you will accept. But do let him know that you will take the necessary approach, whatever it is, to prove yourself worthy to him. Don't just cut him off. You may break him for the long run and you also may lose a part of yourself. Don't just go NC.

 

If you believe you want to make this work, trying to save your own ass is not going to work. How is staying NC forever going to help you? There cannot be any progress in terms of getting back together if there is no communication. NC obviously works only if you are trying to get over the person and heal the wounds. You have hurt him and he is vulnerable right now. If you want him back, then take the risk and stay by him.

 

But don't go back to the same old relationship. It has to be a completely new relationship. Old one failed, let it die. Talk in details what will change, what will be different and what he can expect new. You also change yourself and grow out of this. What will you do different? What do you have to offer to him if he gives you a new chance?

 

Good luck.

[rainbowbrite]

Kimberly, do you love him and care about his well-being? Or have you outgrown the relationship but miss what you had? Be honest and take time to really think about this.

 

I disagree with the poster above.

 

Look, I've been here for 7 months just lurking around and I've read countless threads like yours. Many people here know NC is the way to save them from pain and they are right in saying that NC is required at times.

 

Sometimes, however, like in your case, it might not be the best. Take every advice with a grain of salt.

 

The cheating that you did, was that a mistake or your character? Only you know this. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. Sometimes people make mistakes and realize just how devastating their actions were and truly learn the first time.

 

You have to know something. You cheated on him. You could have done many things to deal with your issues with him but you took the most careless and hurtful approach. Trust is broken. He is broken. Nothing you say or do will convince him of the new image he has of you.

 

Getting back together after this is difficult. He may or may never want to get back with you. He has to see that you are for reals and have learned ur lessons.

 

Have you been supportive of him in his goals and career? Are you dragging him down or encouraging? This isn't simply about romance.

 

If you truly want him, for all his flaws and shortcomings, then I say fight for it. Fight for it until he calls it quits. Right now, I think he is in deep pain but still has hopes with you.

 

Speak to him honestly. Tell him how sorry you are. Let him know that whatever decision he makes you will accept. But do let him know that you will take the necessary approach, whatever it is, to prove yourself worthy to him. Don't just cut him off. You may break him for the long run and you also may lose a part of yourself. Don't just go NC.

 

If you believe you want to make this work, trying to save your own ass is not going to work. How is staying NC forever going to help you? There cannot be any progress in terms of getting back together if there is no communication. NC obviously works only if you are trying to get over the person and heal the wounds. You have hurt him and he is vulnerable right now. If you want him back, then take the risk and stay by him.

 

But don't go back to the same old relationship. It has to be a completely new relationship. Old one failed, let it die. Talk in details what will change, what will be different and what he can expect new. You also change yourself and grow out of this. What will you do different? What do you have to offer to him if he gives you a new chance?

 

Good luck.

 

 

100% agree

[Template]

Kimberelly, I can totally 99.9% empathize with what your ex bf is going through. Though our stories are different, the main points are similiar.

I love my ex very much still, and I am in NC with her. While I'd love to get back with her, I have to look out what's best for myself, and I don't trust her. I don't know about you, but that a HUGE part of my definition of love. If she was to come begging back to me, telling me how much she changed, and what she can do for me, I won't take her back. Why? Because she is still the same person, and I am still the same person... We'll be back into a dysfunctional relationship again. I agree with Mike in that if you are to get into a relationship, it has to be a NEW one. This means that you are a different person, he is a different person, and the reasons that you both will pursue the relationship is different than why you want to be in one now. Unfortunately, I don't think the both of you are ready for that yet. Just my 2 cents

[kimberelly]

i don't like the word never because very frequently does the "never" exist in reality. there are exceptions to almost every rule. granted some things are highly improbable but i don't feel that us being back together is. otherwise i would pick up the pieces and try to move on. i don't feel as if there has been any closure.

 

i don't know how he feels completely...and we have yet to really sit down and share our thoughts and views of the experience after some time has passed for us both to cool down and think about where it goes from here in a more objective state of mind. At this point we still see each other pretty frequently (twice a week or more) and neither one of us are dating anyone else. we keep the conversation on neutral terms only; spending our time together doing the things that brought us together in the first place vs. sitting around arguing over what has happened in the past.

 

he had the choice, and still does, to pack up and move back home where he knows he has a family and friends who will support him financially (his parents recently inherited quite a bit of money) and emotionally. instead he chooses to stay here, with all of his family half way across the country, a few friends, and despite being stuck in a situation where he is not satisfied with his job and can barely afford his current living situation. maybe i am reading too far into that, but part of the reason i'd like to talk to him is to find out more about his reasons for doing so. if it doesn't involve me, yes, i'll be heartbroken, but at least there will be some closure, and it will easier to move on.

 

he could've very easily initiated no contact with me after what i did, and while it may have been effective in an immediate sense in order to forget about the relationship, i don't feel it would be in the best interest of either one of us to take such a drastic measure. i can't help but feel, especially when looking at things in a broad perspective, that closing yourself off from people/information hinders growth. i think that's why they say ignorance is bliss. i believe that we should face our initial fears of rejection and try to take an objective look at things. this is not to say that there isn't a time to let go and move on, but in this situation i don't think it's reached that point.

 

i think we could both learn something from this (and have already), and i am happy that we have been able to handle the situation as gracefully as we have thus far considering that a far greater amount of pain could have come from this type of situation. there were reason that led to the break up and our separation has given us both some time to sit back and evaluate out lives. he has always been a very talented and intelligent person and i am impressed to see that he is still going strong, moving forward and taking steps to find a long term plan for his life (ie - going back to school, pursuing his dream of becoming a martial arts teacher and getting back into competitive chess). i have also had time to evaluate what i want from life and am on a similar path to adjust my life.

 

i know that things will never go back to the way they were; nor do i want them to. that would only be a disservice to myself and to him. i can't take back what i did, but because a lot of things have been brought into the light about myself, my weaknesses, my strengths, his weaknesses, his strengths... i feel more aware about who each of us are. i still feel very connected to him; and i assume that he does as well if he has chosen to stay in contact and confided his desires and passions, and stayed close by. also, since i am the one who initiated the break up i can only expect him to be hesitant about expressing his desires to rekindle our relationship.

 

he has agreed to meet me for dinner tonight.

i really am unsure about what to say.

i don't want to say too much, but i don't want to say too little.

i want him to know i still love him and can imagine a beautiful future with him. but maybe i will only end up pushing him further away.

 

either way i just feel that something has to be said so we both have an idea of where to go from here.

[kimberelly]

 

The cheating that you did, was that a mistake or your character? Only you know this. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. Sometimes people make mistakes and realize just how devastating their actions were and truly learn the first time.

 

You have to know something. You cheated on him. You could have done many things to deal with your issues with him but you took the most careless and hurtful approach. Trust is broken. He is broken. Nothing you say or do will convince him of the new image he has of you.

 

I agree that I broke his trust on a tremendous level which is why I struggled with a great deal of guilt for a long period of time. Eventually, after apologizing, I realized that actions speak louder than words and that I needed to adjust my view of life in order to prove to him and to myself that I can move forward and improve this. The cheating came from a lack of physical intimacy, which I believed stemmed from a dissatisfaction on both of our ends with our self esteem; droning into the same routine. Being easily offended, and easy to judge each other...knowing how to push each others buttons.

 

 

Have you been supportive of him in his goals and career? Are you dragging him down or encouraging? This isn't simply about romance.

 

If you truly want him, for all his flaws and shortcomings, then I say fight for it. Fight for it until he calls it quits. Right now, I think he is in deep pain but still has hopes with you.

 

Speak to him honestly. Tell him how sorry you are. Let him know that whatever decision he makes you will accept. But do let him know that you will take the necessary approach, whatever it is, to prove yourself worthy to him. Don't just cut him off. You may break him for the long run and you also may lose a part of yourself. Don't just go NC.

 

If you believe you want to make this work, trying to save your own ass is not going to work. How is staying NC forever going to help you? There cannot be any progress in terms of getting back together if there is no communication. NC obviously works only if you are trying to get over the person and heal the wounds. You have hurt him and he is vulnerable right now. If you want him back, then take the risk and stay by him.

 

But don't go back to the same old relationship. It has to be a completely new relationship. Old one failed, let it die. Talk in details what will change, what will be different and what he can expect new. You also change yourself and grow out of this. What will you do different? What do you have to offer to him if he gives you a new chance?

 

Good luck.

 

I am very supportive of his goals and proud of where he's come since we broke up. Thank you for your words of wisdom.

I have read a lot about NC as well and while I can see the benefits I don't think there is a cut and paste answer to every relationship. Each person has different strengths and different things that bring them together. However, with out any contact at all there is no opportunity to discover or learn from each other. I guess it depends on the situation. But hey, maybe I'm not looking at myself objectively as I should. I can only act on what I feel is the most logical to me with the best information I have at the time, and at this time I don't feel that NC is the path to take.

[kimberelly]

i don't like the word never because very frequently does the "never" exist in reality.

*rarely instead of frequently

[Goatsbreath]

Kimberelly, don't make me want to contact my ex. You have me second guessing my NC as your reasons for breaking up and seeking a new relationship sound familiar. I know she would still like to be friends but I can't and don't know if its possible even but..........12 years of history with this girl say it probably is. We dated for 3. Hmm.....no, not today. Not for a while. Ive broke NC the last 3 times and she never bothers to call. Sure she takes my call or visit and tells me I can call her but she never initiates it so whatever..............

 

As for you, I don't know. It sucks when trust is given up in a relationship. For me its the best gift somebody can give someone and its very fragile. To trust someone completely is to have ones mind at ease. I always try to give it freely at the start but once I'm wronged I don't know if there is a way to get it back. I just don't know.

 

good luck

[kimberelly]

Kimberelly, don't make me want to contact my ex. You have me second guessing my NC as your reasons for breaking up and seeking a new relationship sound familiar. I know she would still like to be friends but I can't and don't know if its possible even but..........12 years of history with this girl say it probably is. We dated for 3. Hmm.....no, not today. Not for a while. Ive broke NC the last 3 times and she never bothers to call. Sure she takes my call or visit and tells me I can call her but she never initiates it so whatever..............

 

As for you, I don't know. It sucks when trust is given up in a relationship. For me its the best gift somebody can give someone and its very fragile. To trust someone completely is to have ones mind at ease. I always try to give it freely at the start but once I'm wronged I don't know if there is a way to get it back. I just don't know.

 

good luck

 

Well let me tell you the outcome of last night.

 

I ended up telling him my feelings for him; like you we have a long history (while not as long there is still I suppose a similar sort of bond you get when you are in a long term relationship). He basically told me that while he does feel a very strong connection with me he has been struggling to trust people. Not just me, but everyone. He says he is not sure that he feels he can trust peoples intentions, and what they say since most people say one thing, mean another or don't know what they mean.

 

He's not ready for a relationship; he has to take time to evaluate himself because he finds himself getting angry and having unrealistic/high expectations which he finds no one fulfilling. That brought up the feeling of guilt I had which he recognized and said that I shouldn't feel. He said there is no reason for me to regret the past because I did what I felt was right at the time, and all anyone can do is the best the can with what they know. He said he feels his standards of others are too high and until he can figure out the cognitive dissonance between his logical/emotional mind he will not be able to reconcile these issues within himself or anyone right now.

 

Like I mentioned before he is in a job/financial situation where he feels insecure in his ability to support himself and needs time to figure those things out before he can even consider a relationship because it will take a lot of invested emotional energy for him to be able to take steps to change those things. He's not one who has an easy time accepting the status quo, the system, "the man", etc and it's been challenging for him to feel like he needs to fit into this structure in order to be prepared for the future. I can understand this. And I do respect his message; even though it nullifies my chances to have him again, at least right now in the shape I'm in.

 

After all maybe I am only wanting what I can't have, or wanting what made me comfortable in the past. Deep down inside I don't feel I am completely ready or changed enough to try for a second chance. I know I still have a lot of soul searching/change of action to make before I can expect his perception of me to change that is one where he feels trusted and respected.

 

He is very confused right now because he says the more aware he becomes, the more he is able to understand the intentions of others, and the confusion and uncertainity that resonates in everything. it's hard for me to explain but in summary a lot of what he has been having internal conflict over is in lines with what i've been feeling. At any rate I told him I respect, understand, and agree with a lot of what he said and I have been struggling to make sense of the same concepts.

 

I didn't expect him to come running back to me or for all of things to be solved after this one conversation but the conversation I think was one that was needed for both of us. He thanked me for listening and was appreciative that he had someone to confide in about his inner struggles which most others become defensive when hearing. He said he'd still like to remain friends, but is just not ready for a relationship now. He's never been the type of guy to jump into a relationship he didn't think was valuable on a deep level so it makes me feel good that even though the outcome wasn't necessarily what I "wanted" to hear it is what I expected and part of what made me attracted to him in the first place.

 

It helped bring closure to this stage of our relationship, it helped me to overcome my fear of expressing my thoughts to him, and of recognizing the dissonance betwen my desire to have him back as a boyfriend as well as my confusion about what a relationship is/should be, and if I'm truly ready for now. It will help me to move on and focus more on the issues that are making me feel insecure/needy. I can't say, nor his he the type to say, that anything is set in stone. But like the previous poster said, neither one of us are ready right now. Time to move forward, into the unknown.

[tinke]

If he has given you the opportunity to meet for dinner, why would you hold back your feelings? This IS the time to share your thoughts! Otherwise, what's the purpose?

 

Don't get caught up in games or holding back, he is most likely quite vulnerable right now and you are fortunate to have the chance to meet with him. Use that time wisely, or you may not have another opportunity to do so. Whatever the outcome, at least you can be sincere with him.

[Goatsbreath]

Question, when you talk about hooking up does that mean sex and if so did you guys have this deep conversation about trust and "the issues" and then go have sex. I would be really confused if so.

 

Hmm, You ex sounds a lot like me. Everything he told you is exactly what I'm going through from the financial mess that is my life to holding everyone to a template I know they will not achieve. I trust nobody at this point and I'm quick to think "nope, the shoe doesn't fit."

[kimberelly]

Question, when you talk about hooking up does that mean sex and if so did you guys have this deep conversation about trust and "the issues" and then go have sex. I would be really confused if so.

 

Hooking up means sex. And as for the deep conversation: back in September yes, that's pretty much what happened. Not last night though.

 

Hmm, You ex sounds a lot like me. Everything he told you is exactly what I'm going through from the financial mess that is my life to holding everyone to a template I know they will not achieve. I trust nobody at this point and I'm quick to think "nope, the shoe doesn't fit."

 

Well I can understand this perspective. .. just hurts a lot losing someone.

 

Where do I go from here? I mean I've told him how I felt, we hung out again today for a while and we are still on good terms. Should I back off and let him take the lead now that I've said my piece? Should I still contact him or wait for him to contact me? I don't want to give the impression that I've given up my love for him but at the same time I don't want to put him in an awkward situation.

[Goatsbreath]

thats tuff...you really need to make sure you know what you want. Its not fair to lead him on and then a few weeks later when he starts to fall for it you say oh yeah, I guess I did want to break up. Just be sure of yourself and then I think because you were the dumper your going to have to put some creativity into showing him he can trust you and that you are serious. But are you serious?

[gd26]

The cheating came from a lack of physical intimacy, which I believed stemmed from a dissatisfaction on both of our ends with our self esteem; droning into the same routine. Being easily offended, and easy to judge each other...knowing how to push each others buttons.

 

This may sound harsh, but you clearly have not taken full responsibility for your actions, and you still lay a part of the blame for your infidelity on him. Why don't you get that this was not his fault?! This was 100% your fault. The cheating did NOT come from a lack of physical intimacy - it came from your selfish and immature behavior and complete disregard for your partner. Instead of working out relationship issues with your boyfriend, YOU chose to be devious and get sexually involved with another person. I dislike when people say their affairs "just happened". It didn't just happen. YOU made it happen. You knew full well when you were enjoying some other guy's penis how devastating this would be for your partner... but you didn't care a bit about his feelings, only your own gratification. Don't act like your cheating was as much your ex's fault as yours.

 

If you think I am being hard on you here, then you obviously still don't get it. Having relationship problems is not a license to go out and cheat. And the fact that you say your cheating was caused by a lack of intimacy means you still haven't taken responsibility for yourself fully. I hope your ex has enough sense to not get back with you. I really do feel for him.

[BCCA]

This was 100% your fault

 

I was thinking the exact same thing.

 

If you've never been cheated on, its one of the most disrespectful and hurtful things you can possibly go through. Here you are, in love with someone, and although any man would want more sex, you let it go because you want to be fair and make everyone happy. Then, this person you love to death and tells you the same, screws someone else.

 

Ladies, let me tell you right now, I would never look at anyone the same again if they slept with someone else while they were with me. I would forever consider you a total tramp, regardless of whatever reasons you want to use for your behavior.

 

There is no excuse for cheating. I wouldnt say that everyone that has ever cheated with cheat again, but its likely, and you certainly wouldnt see me taking that chance. Cheating is about being totally selfish, nothing more. Accept that what you did was wrong - thats your first step. There is no excuses to be made.

[kimberelly]

Thanks for the feedback guys you've given me a lot to think about...