ESSENTIAL information for any woman in an EA

[Aquarius Rising]

Hello forum

 

I just have to share with you my extreme excitement about having come across an author by the name of Michelle Langley (I'm certain some of you know of her already) who has written two books on Women's Infidelity.

 

I ordered these as e-books today and I'm up to Chapter 3 of the first book. It is ground-breaking evidence I believe, of the biological factors associated with married women becoming involved in EA, why we do in the first place, what we believe once we're in them, and why we choose to say in them, or to separate.....

 

Absolutely FASCINATING information and a MUST READ for any MW seeking out answers BEFORE making a potentially disastrous decision to end their marriage.

 

Girls, I'm telling you ......... there's hope!

 

AR

[Holding-On]

Thanks Aquarius,

 

Yes I came across these books before. I only read one.

 

I was in the middle of an EA that made no sense whatsoever. I mean I made no sense to myself!!

 

I was searching and searching and none of the other infidelity/polyamory/other woman forums was really helping to explain what was happening to me.

 

Many will dismiss her but for me it rang true.

 

Fortunately I am in an open marriage so it did not ruin my marriage as I was able to talk to my husband throughout it all. My late thirties hubbub has certainly put a strain on my poor darling husband though.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

Sound fascinating - I love relationship reads - but I wanted to ask - does this address women in their late 30's? Because I know someone who is caught up in an EA - but she is only in her late 20's I think.

 

Does it address how to "break out" of one, once someone has been in one?

 

Additionally, what's so different about it that I can't find elsewhere? The "biology" slant? And if it the biology angle, then it focuses mainly on women in their 30's?

 

Sorry about all of the questions, I just don't know how suitable it would be for her situation.

[Aquarius Rising]

Many will dismiss her but for me it rang true.

 

Fortunately I am in an open marriage so it did not ruin my marriage as I was able to talk to my husband throughout it all. My late thirties hubbub has certainly put a strain on my poor darling husband though.

 

Thanks for your post, I have alot of reading to do yet, but it's frighteningly accurate so far in terms of what happened for me. I am not in an open marriage in the sense that my husband would permit extra marital relationships... but for the first time since the A I sat down with him last night and began to explain what I have learnt so far... and he was certainly very open to the ideas and theories etc.... which gives me more hope than I've had for some time.

 

I'm in the 40's now.... and I think it's different for every woman. Can begin mid 20's right thru to late 30's according to the author.

 

Best wishes to you

AR

[Aquarius Rising]

Sorry about all of the questions, I just don't know how suitable it would be for her situation.

 

According to the author this natural change in testosterone levels can begin mid-20's right thru to late 30's. I still have many chapters to read, but I promise to post anything I believe may be really helpful to the forum members. The author discusses female sexuality (which is grossly misunderstood in society) especially by women! in great detail. Along with cultural shifts and all kinds of different factors that may impact a woman looking for LOVE or SEX outside of marriage. It's just a MUST READ in my view, for ALL of us.

 

Hope this was helpful.

AR

[Geishawhelk]

It amazes me how people make money out of the obvious.

For every "Women" or "Woman" in any given paragraph, sentence or line, you could remove the "wo" and still be factual.

 

The bottom line is, people cheat because they want to, and because they can.

No Human being is actually programmed or wired to remain faithful to one partner.

Not a one.

That some manage it, is astounding in itself.

We then pile on reason, justification and excuse one on top of the other, and cloud the issues and muddy the waters with pseudo-emotional reasons as to why this, how that, and when the other.

The simple basic fact is that monogmany is Unnatural.

 

I'd be willing to bet a pound to a pinch of snuff that even the marriages that "stay together" have endured indiscretion at best and infidelity at worst.

 

I'd be more interested to read a book on how and why people manage to stay faithful.

[Aquarius Rising]

No Human being is actually programmed or wired to remain faithful to one partner.

Not a one. The simple basic fact is that monogmany is Unnatural.

 

The author states this very boldly in BLACK & WHITE and you are absolutely correct. I guess what she is doing, that many choose not to, is to acknowledge that women's sexual needs are the same as for males. The age-stages are different however.

Historically, infidelity was seen as 'just a man's need' and largely excused, whereas for females.......well in some countries they are still tortured and killed for the crime of infidelity. It's time the rest of the world caught up and started to discuss these issues openly and frankly and began setting some realistic expectations about what marriage is and isn't for the generations to come. If I had known even the small amount of information I have now, just from 3 chapters, it would have helped me, because instead of feeling shame about my sexuality, I would have realised it was 'normal' for a women to be thinking about sex with a 'different' person and may have been willing to engage in open discussion with my husband instead of going underground and distancing from him.

 

I don't feel qualified until I have read more, but I will offer anything that I think is truly valuable here.

 

AR

[Geishawhelk]

This book basically tackles the same issues, then, as "Misogyny - The world's oldest prejudice" which talks about women's positions and changing roles in different societies, from ancient pre-Christian times to the present day.

 

The clever twist is that it was written by a man.

So it has no personal agenda or axe to grind..... In fact it's written from an extraordinarily unbiased position.

[Aquarius Rising]

This book basically tackles the same issues, then, as "Misogyny - The world's oldest prejudice" which talks about women's positions and changing roles in different societies, from ancient pre-Christian times to the present day.

 

I can't comment on that book I haven't read it. The first 3 chapters of this book is about helping a H who's wife states she is 'unhappy' and 'doesn't know what she wants' to understand what may be going on for her .... stuff that she is too ashamed discuss with her H. In my view this book is aimed at helping couples, not women. Men need this information just as much as women do. I can't find any evidence of axe-grinding by this author, or bias.

 

I would thoroughly recommend this book to anyone, male or female.

[Holding-On]

Geisha,

I also felt that monogamy wasn't practical and did not choose a long term monogamous relationship. It seemed logical to me that I would love more than one person and my husband would want to have sex with more than one person.

 

I also had read that women's sex drives usually increase at some point in those years but I have always just wanted sex. Sex with the same person was not actually a problem for me. My partner having sex with other people is not a problem for me either.

 

So I was expecting that.. waiting patiently for this increase in sex drive. I thought, "this will be great - my husband and I are going to have compatible sex drives at some point (his cup runneth over) - woo hoo"

 

What I DID NOT know, and I suspect many women are not aware of, is that I might crave someone different intensely and not, sadly, my husband more intensely. I wasn't expecting this. If I had been expecting this I would have handled things differently. It actually snuck up on me. I was very busy in my life as mother and wife and student and later employee.

 

I couldn't figure out why I fell so hard for someone so different from what had consistently been my type. And I mean very very different.

 

This theory of wanting variety occuring later in life when you hadn't wanted much variety before as a natural thing in women. No this theory I had not heard of, nor, not being an observer like you, seen.

 

Please remember your signature and do not mock those of us for whom this was actually a revelation. You are normally so kind.

 

The $30 or whatever she charges probably saved me thousands in therapy that would have been useless anyway. It certainly helped save me (along with discussions here and in other forums) from committing further havoc.

 

to read her theory/anecdotes and those forums she has was like having a doctor say "oh, by the way, this is possibly just a normal possible trajectory for a woman's sex drive as she ages" in a way that sank in.

 

I mean I don't care for Dr. Phil per se but if his way of wording things helps some people then yay. kwim?

[Geishawhelk]

I can't comment on that book I haven't read it. ....In my view this book is aimed at helping couples, not women. Men need this information just as much as women do. I can't find any evidence of axe-grinding by this author, or bias.

 

I would thoroughly recommend this book to anyone, male or female.

 

 

I wasn't trying to imply the author was.

My point was that the author of the Misogyny book - essentially about how men have treated women over the millennia - was written by a MAN. He's the one who wrote the book in an extraordinarily balanced way, with no axe to grind.....

 

My wording was at fault. Apologies.

[Geishawhelk]

Please remember your signature and do not mock those of us for whom this was actually a revelation. You are normally so kind.

 

Mock?

 

Where have I mocked anyone?

 

 

The $30 or whatever she charges probably saved me thousands in therapy that would have been useless anyway. It certainly helped save me (along with discussions here and in other forums) from committing further havoc.

kwim?

 

I am genuinely and sincerely very pleased that it has done so.

I don't however, think that the author will be putting therapists out of business anytime soon. And I'm sure that is absolutely not her intention.

 

I haven't read the book.

I will make efforts to do so, because there is sufficient interest for me to do so, and also, because I'm training for a diploma in Couples Counselling myself.

 

My point is, that breaking the matter up into gender-specifics is actually a relatively superfluous exercise, because both men and women cheat, for pretty much the same reasons.

It's this focus - making it a 'special' book relating purely to women - that I find puzzling.

 

But as I said, I'm due to read it, and I'm sure it will be extremely interesting.

 

I was with you up to the kwim.... (with a slight alteration to the spelling, it's actually a slang word for.....

 

No I couldn't say. I'm supposed to be a lady.

[Holding-On]

Craving (or more intensely craving) variety sexually probably isn't something that sneaks up on most men but is a surprise to quite a few women. So I think that is why she wrote the book toward women/couples. Many/most guys are used to dealing with, recognizing these desires earlier in life and developing some techniques/self-discipline to handle it.

 

Yes. I know what quim means. I think that it is somewhat of an archaic term whereas "know what I mean" is pretty standard forum dialect.

 

I certainly will put your book on my reading list.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

Thank you SOOOOO much for this recommendation, AR.

 

If you hadn't have brought this to my attention, I never would have known...

 

 

Wow.

 

I see myself, and many others in these two books (I bought the e-books). I am a true believer in looking at the self in the mirror, and examing oneself honestly, warts and all. I'm not even in this situation, not really - and the books helped me.

 

I am blown away. Seriously.

It's been awhile since a book has kept me up all night, as these have.

 

I do not agree with everything she writes, but what I do agree with is enough to know there are great truths here that will help me on my journey to being a responsible, honest person - both to myself, and all those around me.

 

It starts, with being honest with myself.

 

Can't wait to share these with my friend!

 

 

Many thanks, and much respect, Aquarius.

[Aquarius Rising]

Thank you SOOOOO much for this recommendation, AR.

 

If you hadn't have brought this to my attention, I never would have known...

 

 

Wow.

 

I see myself, and many others in these two books (I bought the e-books). I am a true believer in looking at the self in the mirror, and examing oneself honestly, warts and all. I'm not even in this situation, not really - and the books helped me.

 

I am blown away. Seriously.

It's been awhile since a book has kept me up all night, as these have.

 

I do not agree with everything she writes, but what I do agree with is enough to know there are great truths here that will help me on my journey to being a responsible, honest person - both to myself, and all those around me.

 

It starts, with being honest with myself.

 

Can't wait to share these with my friend!

 

 

Many thanks, and much respect, Aquarius.

 

I echo your thoughts exactly ..... Wow is what I've been saying for days. Only up to Chapter 7 but it has changed so much about the way I think and understand what I experienced. If it can help anyone out there who has struggled to make sense of an EA, I am pleased. Thanks for your kind appreciation. Best wishes to you.

AR

[Reggie]

Her second e-book is even better, especially for a BS. She points out the fact that many WW are poor communicators , expecting clairvoyance from their BH's. SHe also points to the fact that women in todays society have very unrealistic expectations, shut down their H's attempts to open up and share feelings, and how women , in general, are held to a much lower standard in terms of accountablity for misdeeds like domestic violence(she points out that her research shows more womne than men are physically abusive and how female pedophile/predators are given way lighter sentences).

It opened my eyes to how my WW sabotaged our relationship and how the allegation that men do not open up and are emotionally distant is not true. Very good stuff in the second book.

The first was enlightening, as well, what with the hormonal thing going on and the fact that women have never been socialized as men are to realize that attraction is normal and having it does not mean one's spouse is the wrong person. Rather, it is societies failure to make girls aware that feeling the itch does not make it a good idea to act on it,

[Reggie]

I wasn't trying to imply the author was.

My point was that the author of the Misogyny book - essentially about how men have treated women over the millennia - was written by a MAN. He's the one who wrote the book in an extraordinarily balanced way, with no axe to grind.....

 

My wording was at fault. Apologies.

 

I felt the same way about Langley's book She is femaele(obviously) yet she cut women cheaters no slack in their failures to open up and communicate. It just rang so true to me.

She put to rest many of the one sided theories on men and intimacy and rebutted the oft cited cliche that men are not emotionally open or good communicators.

I particularly liiked her examples on how wives often condition their husbands to keep their feelings inside, by ignoring them or commandeering the discussion and evn subtly or not so subtly ridiculing the man's attempts to be intimate.

Nice to hear it coming from a woman. I strongly suggest reading both books.

I've had tow e-mail converations with Langely and she is sharp. SHe does set the husband up as a bit of a strawman in the first book as he cheated on a past wife. He is a composite, she told me and she did it so she could have a conversation with someone male that had expierienced similar urges at an earlier age and acted on them at the point where the peak in male testosteron is having the same effect on urges.