Friend invities me to parties with his other friends but not interested anymore

[Jordanjames]

My situation is this I have a close friend and he has invited me to a few parties for a group he is involved with at the local university. Anyway, I went to a Halloween party last year and I went to a girl's farewell party last weekend. I have met my pal's friends a "few" times but I guess I just feel kind of "weird." I will be honest I felt a bit conflicted like a part of me felt like I didn't really want to go to this party but I felt like he really wanted me to be there. He even called me up on Saturday night last week asking "do you want to go to the party with me?"

 

I feel like an outsider when I am around his "other friends". I am not suggesting that his "friends" are not nice people because they are. I am just saying they are "his" friends and not "my friends." I wonder sometimes why does he want to me be with him around his other friends? I asked him once and he said " I thought it would be fun for us to hang out with them together."

 

We have known each other for over six years last year we got involved it didn't work out but that's okay. We both figure since we have known each other for over six years let's just try to make the friendship work.

 

Anyway, at the party last weekend this girl comes to our table and says "I have heard so much about you it is so nice to finally meet you." And my friend says "he's my friend boy". Does anyone know what the term "friend boy" means?

 

Next, later on in the evening there is some Indian music being played. I don't speak Hindi or Punjabi so I don't understand the lyrics to the songs. Next, I see my friend and his other South Asian pals dancing to the music.

I feel weird watching them like I am a foreigner. I am not South Asian and just about all of my friends pals are South Asian.

I hope I don't sound prejudiced or anything.

 

I realize I want to cultivate a life of my own. The following day after the party I went to dinner with an old university friend of mine. She's straight and she's a nice girl. My female friend and I share the same racial and cultural background. We chatted for a few hours about life, our hopes, and dreams. I was wondering, how can I contact this female friend and ask her out again? I don't want to come across as desperate or anything but I enjoy her company. I realize I have to make a life of my own.

 

I don't mean to say my pals friends are not nice people because they are. I just feel that I don't "connect" with them. I wonder why he even invites me to these parties anyway? His friends know we are both gay and that's not an issue. I just feel like it is time for me to stop going to these university parties with my friend because I guess I feel like an outsider. I feel like "what am I doing here?"

[Geishawhelk]

...." And my friend says "he's my friend boy". Does anyone know what the term "friend boy" means?

 

Yes, it means that you're his freind, and you're a boy, but that you're a convenient companion along for company. nothing more.

I just feel like it is time for me to stop going to these university parties with my friend because I guess I feel like an outsider. I feel like "what am I doing here?"

 

Well, unless someone is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to do this - don't do this.

You have a choice.

Yes or No.

 

It's up to you.

[Ronni_W]

I guess I feel like an outsider. I feel like "what am I doing here?"

I think that is a very good question: What ARE you doing there?

 

Since, obviously no one "forces" you to go to various events with your friend, you must have some personal goals when you do go -- what are they?

Ideally, what would you get out of going? How would the night unfold? What would you think/feel about your experience, the next day?

 

You sound somewhat closed off to the possibility that you even might connect with "his" friends. I'm guessing you're aware that it will take some interest and effort on your part, for that to happen.

 

When my friends, gay or straight, male or female, invite me to meet "their" friends, it is that they wish to share that "other" part of their lives with me, and bring me into that circle. AS WELL AS that they think I have something to contribute to that circle. It's not rocket science, really.

But it is up to me as to what value I take out of the opportunity, and how much I give back to the rest of the group.

 

It's not that you sound prejudiced, but you do sound...distant and aloof -- sort of like you just stay the "objective observer" at these get-togethers, without bothering to try to make an real connection through conversation.

As if you have zero interest in turning "his" friends into "our" friends.

So, yes, your attitude WILL make you feel like an outsider -- your feelings are an accurate measurement of your attitude and behaviour when you get with "his" friends.

 

Of course we do not need to be able to understand the language (lyrics), to appreciate a genre of music, or to "feel the beat". I don't understand Italian, but there are some operas that I love. (But I don't feel the same way about operas sung in German and, to me, English "opera" just sounds plain weird.)

 

Yes, part of it is preference, but maybe it MORE about our attitude, and what we are willing to open our minds and hearts to?

 

If the girl knows that you're gay, then just call her up as you would any platonic friend -- she'll know that there is no romantic interest or overture on your part and, if she also enjoyed your company, then she'll likely also be interested in expanding her platonic friendship with you.

[Jordanjames]

You do have a point it is my choice. I think I made the wrong choice I don't think I will be attending these South Asian parties anymore. For one thing I am not South Asian and I am certainly not going to pretend that I understand this culture because I don't. If he wants to attend these parties with his other South Asian friends he is free to do so but I think it's best for me that I stay away from those parties.