LoveLace Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I asked both a male and female co-workers about this today. Tonight is the 1st real date with the guy I've been hanging out with lately (mostly it's been spontaneous hang outs thus far) and he told me to think about what I want to do tonight. I'm not sure what to tell him, because I don't want pricy or fancy, or suggest going to a bar (too unoriginal) or going to see a movie...the woman said I should tell him that whatever he wants to do is okay with me. The man argued that this is putting too much pressure on the guy, and he said that I should be specific about where I want to go...followed by him suggesting a nice sit-down chinese restaurant that isn't too expensive or formal. Who's right? I don't want to come off as too high maintence, nor do I want to be too casual or ordinary with whatever idea I give him...I'm not even sure if he plans on paying for me or not, I just know this is the 1st time we planned a night to hang out ahead of time and when we 1st re-connected we agreed to FWB, but it's appearing to be more of a dating-type situation here. That's fine with me in the sense that I'm not exactly willing to close all other options yet, so I also don't want this "date" to be suggestive of such; however I"m enjoying his company and don't see a reason not to continue, even though I'd be perfectly willing to date another guy if the opportunity would arise...anyway, given all that info, what should I tell him about tonight?
You'reasian Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Go out, have fun, be flirty and don't expect anything out of it. If you think or feel something more will come of it, let it happen. If not, move on. Don't worry about commitment just yet.
Author LoveLace Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Go out' date=' have fun, be flirty and don't expect anything out of it. If you think or feel something more will come of it, let it happen. If not, move on. Don't worry about commitment just yet.[/quote'] Well that's what I planned to do...thanks...however he left tonight's plans up to me and given we're in sord of a gray area right now and never had an actual date before, I don't know what kind of thing I should suggest...
Tomcat33 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Well it depends on if you are the "going dutch" type of woman or "the man pays on the first date" I like it when the guy pays so I tend to let him decide where he wants to take us. If he asks me what I want to do I will tell him let's go for a drink, something casual, and then let him decide where. I think you are putting WAY too much pressure on the activity and it's not about what you are doing together, sure you can go sky diving and simulate what it feels like to fall in love having your heart sink when you jump, but then once the rush is over and the adrenaline subsides you still have to hang out with him. Does it really matter what you are doing?
Els Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 IMHO if he asks you to think about it, he's asking you for suggestions... so you suggest this time! Just suggest whatever you like as long as it's reasonable, don't worry about what IMPRESSION it'll make on him... you do want him to like you for yourself after all, don't you?
Author LoveLace Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Does it really matter what you are doing? Yes it does actually, only because I don't think either of us are sure where we're going with this and I guess it's almost a little awkward simply because we were just friends long before this..so I don't know I guess it would be best to just say let's start with a drink somewhere and go from there? He recently got out of a 2-3 year relationship so I want to be careful not to make him think I want to rush anything, because I don't...and we both live with parents right now so it's not an option to invite each other over!
Skylar Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 He may have already arranged a plan in case you leave it up to him. Just don't be wishy washy, i think matter of fact goes over better with guys. Don't worry about letting him spend too much, after all it is a first date and that always tends to be more expensive. I don't know whether the girl or guy is right about this, but I do believe you should be flexible and just enjoy this new aspect of your relationship!
Tomcat33 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Does it really matter what you are doing?[ Yes it does actually, only because I don't think either of us are sure where we're going with this and I guess it's almost a little awkward simply because we were just friends long before this..so I don't know I guess it would be best to just say let's start with a drink somewhere and go from there? He recently got out of a 2-3 year relationship so I want to be careful not to make him think I want to rush anything, because I don't...and we both live with parents right now so it's not an option to invite each other over! I TOTALLY hear you! I was in the exact same predicament a few weeks ago when I went out on a couple dates with a guy I used to work with and whom I had a bit of crush on. We would talk casually at work and each time we would realise we had quite a bit in common but we lost touch after I left my job end of last year and he pursued me via email and then facebook quite a bit. Long story short he kept saying we should go out sometime so I said "yeah for sure" Well we did and he broke my cardinal rule He accepted my dutch offer to pay our bill which came to $20 (we went to a pub) because we were sort of not knowing where we stand and can appreciate maybe he doesn't know where we stand either I said I am going to give him another chance since he might just think I just want to be friends. Well he contacted me again and asked me out again, which for me was a good sign, then again when it came to pay the bill more dutch action. AND on top of it, he asked me to go back to his place to continue the night but I refused and it got weird from there, I think he took it as a I am not interested, and I took his not offering to pick up the bill (he chose both places we went to) as him wanting to be only friends or maybe just have "some fun sexually speaking". He asked but I didn't go out with him a third time. I know exactly where he stands. Let him lead, you will know EXACTLY where he stands too. Hope that helps
Oliveman Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I think the guy at your work doesn't date many women and this guy just got out of a relationship so he hasn't dated in a while. For me, if I ask a girl to go out I have a plan, as should he. If you ask him to go out, you should have a plan. A lot of guys seek women's approval way too much and are afraid to grab the reigns and take control, but to me this way of thinking lacks a certain confidence and after a while women get sick of it. I agree with the woman at your work...tell him whatever he wants to do is ok with you, since from reading the post that seems to be true.
Author LoveLace Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Well prob solved! Before I could even say anything he just asked if I want to go get a couple drinks and I said yes...whew! That was a lot of pressure! lol I can't believe that guy Tom...I would have given the 2nd chance too but I think you were right for turning down that last invitation... And I guess tonight, depending on how this guy flows with the date and if he pays or what not, will tell me a bit more about what's on his mind...
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I always make a suggestion when asked what I want to do. And every guy I've ever dated has said that one of the things they loved most about me was the fact that I did just that. "Where should we go to dinner?" "An Italian place sounds good." "What should we do tonight?" "Something low-key and relaxing." "What should we do this weekend?" "I'm itching to hit the slopes." These are not requests, or demands. These are suggestions to him, very clear signals about what he can do to please me. If he's not up for my suggestion, there's enough wiggle room to suggest an alternative that we'll both enjoy. They eat it up. They HATE it when you say, "Whatever you want to do is fine by me." I mean, do you not have ANY preferences? Are you a replica of his interests? Because that's what that sort of response conveys.
Tomcat33 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Well prob solved! Before I could even say anything he just asked if I want to go get a couple drinks and I said yes...whew! That was a lot of pressure! lol Yaaaayyyy!!! That was easy. Another reason I prefer when a guy suggests a place is because if I like it, it gives me a chance to praise him for the good choice in outing. Guys love that kind of stuff it makes them feel special if you like what they like. Oooooh good luck on the date tonight and HAVE FUN!!
Touche Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I know you've already decided and everything but you know what's a fun date? One of my first dates with my H was at a neighborhood sports bar and grill type place where we played pool. I loved it because it was relaxed and casual. It gives you something to do and something to talk about in between talking about all the other usual "date" kind of topics. You can eat at your leisure and casually. It was great!
Author LoveLace Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 I know you've already decided and everything but you know what's a fun date? One of my first dates with my H was at a neighborhood sports bar and grill type place where we played pool. I loved it because it was relaxed and casual. It gives you something to do and something to talk about in between talking about all the other usual "date" kind of topics. You can eat at your leisure and casually. It was great! HA! Well it turns out that's exactly what we're doing! He got home from work and texted me "what'd you have in mind?"...so I immediately suggested the place up the road with pool, ping pong, shuffle board, etc. However, he lives just down the road, around the corner from me...so I asked if he wants to pick me up or just meet there. He said to meet him there in a half-hour. He also reminded me that he has to get up early. WTF is that? I can live without him picking me up, but if he's too tired to go out he should just say so...I'm tired myself but we planned this days ago so I didn't even think of cancelling. AND when we planned this, he said tonight of all nights would be best for him to go out...and now it seems like he's acting funny. I guess it's that whole territory of confusion that comes with FWB? I don't know but if he's crabby tonight I'll be p*ssd!
Touche Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 That's a funny coincidence Lovelace. I must say I don't blame you for sounding peeved about this. I can't believe he's not picking you up! And what a non-"gentlemanly" remark about having to get up early. It's rude and presumptous..as if you would be keeping him up or something. I would have said this: "You know what? I really don't want to keep you up at all. Have a good night." And then I'd hang up the phone and forget about him. That said though, I wonder if you sent him signals that tell him he can be rude to you and it's ok. I suspect you did just by agreeing to be his FWB. No way can you go from FWB to bf/gf. You're either one or the other. "Never the 'twain shall meet" as they say. Either keep it FWB or leave him. If you're looking for a b/f he's not it. He'll always disappoint you because he has no respect for you. And without respect there's no relationship.
Author LoveLace Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Yea seriously I just texted him and said maybe another night would be better because you did say your tired before and that you have to get up early. I mean WTF, weather it's just FWB or not, my company is worth being a little tired or getting up early for. I have been looking for a boyfriend, but having him as a boyfriend has been an uncertainty already because we are friends and I'm only slightly attracted to him...it's just that I was willing to consider it because of how we've been lately....but now, not so much.
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Didn't YOU just recently flake on someone for the very same reason???
Author LoveLace Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 LOL okay so after that text he calls me and says, "so are you tired and want to do another night?"...I said I'm a little tired but it's not bothering me, YOU were the one who said your tired and have to get up early....and he says, "no no no, a couple drinks can't hurt!"....then asked if I'm still at home and I say yes....then he says, "well I'll just turn around and come get you..." Almost makes me wonder if he's been reading this thread...
Author LoveLace Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 Didn't YOU just recently flake on someone for the very same reason??? Oh NO, I cancelled on that guy because I had a feeling he was PSYCHO and I turned out to be right! I wasn't tired at all! I had a funny feeling in my stomach that whole day so I cancelled, then he texted me a bunch of really twisted, verbally abusive things, and when I showed them to my friends they ALL said that guy is seriously instable....so no this sitch is nowhere NEAR like that one!
Touche Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Wow, Lovelace. Nope, he's not reading this thread. It's just that you went from a doormat to a goddess all in a few minutes! YOWZA! You beat the record on that score. You go girl!
Touche Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Just wanted to add that this really illustrates the concept of how you treat people how to treat you. See the difference? You might have just broken the rule and gone from FWB to g/f. NO ONE ever crosses that barrier! You're a pioneer Lovelace!!!!
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Oh NO, I cancelled on that guy because I had a feeling he was PSYCHO and I turned out to be right! I wasn't tired at all! I had a funny feeling in my stomach that whole day so I cancelled, then he texted me a bunch of really twisted, verbally abusive things, and when I showed them to my friends they ALL said that guy is seriously instable....so no this sitch is nowhere NEAR like that one! That's not the point. YOUR real motive aside, you were still surprised he was even perturbed at your last minute cancellation. Now you're irritated at this guy because you thought he was trying to do the same to you, for the same "reason" (true or not). I find that turn... interesting. Hypocritical, really. That all said, not to be a party pooper here, but I don't think him coming by to pick you up changes anything or makes you go from doormat to goddess, like Touche says. The dude is still tired. You're only going for a couple drinks, like he said: "A few drinks couldn't hurt."
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I have to TOTALLY disagree with you, Touche. A goddess wouldn't have lowered herself to spend time with someone who's already said they're tired, are getting up early, and then closes off with, "But a few drinks won't hurt." She basically said if HE isn't up for it, they can do it another night. She should have told him that SHE didn't feel up for a half-assed evening (in a nicer way, of course ).
Touche Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 No way, Jose. I don't agree. I think I know men..not saying you don't but I think I know what's going on here. It could very well be that this guy IS interested in more than what they currently have but thought that Lovelace only wanted a FWB thing. But she turned the tables on him a little. And that threw him off. And NOW he's acting like a proper date and not like LL is just a FWB.
Touche Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I have to TOTALLY disagree with you, Touche. A goddess wouldn't have lowered herself to spend time with someone who's already said they're tired, are getting up early, and then closes off with, "But a few drinks won't hurt." Nope. It's almost as if you missed a post, SG. Go back and read the sequence of how it went. He totally backpedaled once she saw that LL was cancelling! Don't you see the shift in dynamic here? She basically said if HE isn't up for it, they can do it another night. She should have told him that SHE didn't feel up for a half-assed evening (in a nicer way, of course ). She did. But in a much more diplomatic and classy way, in my opinion. The message was obviously not lost on him since he turned around and acted like the gentleman he should have been in the first place. He's picking her up. And the comment about "no a few drinks won't hurt" or something like that, was his way of saving face. He did a total 180.
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