smile_through_tears Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Im a freaking mess....I know most people here say go strict NC and everything...anyway i was hoping I could get some more PERSONAL advice than just the typical "GO NC" unless of course u truly believe that.... okay so he's been texting & writing on facebook.....I ignored it but now I'm feeling weird...if I keep ignoring them he's going to think I'm mad at him and he's just going to stop contacting me.....thats NOT what I want.... What do I do? My friends are telling me a simple response back wouldnt kill me and that I'm being rude and only pushing him away...but the truth is I don't know what to say and I hope that this would make him miss me (realizing Im gone)....I'm overthinking this...yes because I love him.....What do I do???? How would you handle this?? Pleaseee helppp me!!!!!
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Have you tried telling him you want to work things out? Unless those texts hes sending are opening an opportunity to get back together, I'd just keep ignoring them. Your "friends" clearly don't have your best interests at heart (or are idiots) for telling you to mssg him back... because that will only make it hurt more. If you've tried telling him you want to work things out, and it went nowhere, then this is over. 100%. There's not a damn thing that can be done, except TRULY GOING NC. That's it, straight up. He wants to dangle you on a string like a ****ing toy. If he wanted to actually BE with you, he'd tell you. Do you think he's testing you or something?
SushiX Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Its kinda hard to help without knowing the situation. Did he break up with you? Do you want him back or does he want to get back with you? What does he say when texting/writing on facebook?
Author smile_through_tears Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 thanks for replying..i'l try to explain a little more... he broke up with me...i tried to get him back, it didnt work...we said we'd remain friends... he asks how i'm doing? how's my little niece? then he'll write something like "oh i saw so and so today"....just random stuff....i don't know what's going on....by not responding i dont think he'll ever want to contact me again... i'm so confused..i know break-ups hurt but this sh** has messed me up emotionally...i want him to miss me...what message am i sending by not replying?? tom you're good with psychology right??? i hate mind games but im desperate and willing to do anything (if its possible) to get him back. back to my question (sorry im dragging this out) do i reply or not? he has written to me alot of times
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 No reason to apologize for seeking help. You're entitled to help, this is a very tough time for you. If you want my opinion on how best to get him back, then there's only one thing you can do. Manipulate him through NC. I am telling you this with knowledge of psychology. Here's what to do. Be very straight forward. Tell him this exactly: "I love you and I want to be with you still. I still care about you, and until you are ready to try and work things out and be happy with me, then you are not permitted to talk to me, because it is too painful. Do not text me, do not call me, do not email me, do not make any kind of contact. It hurts too bad the way things are now, and it feels absolutely wrong." Then cut him off in every way IMAGINABLE. Even remove him from facebook if he doesn't contact you in 1-2 weeks. If it takes months for him to come around, then give it to him and DO NOT BREAK. Do not let this guy string you along like you're his toy. He sounds pretty damn pathetic for doing this to you to be honest. That's your best shot, in my opinion. There is no greater shot than this. Some people here will criticize you for wanting to manipulate him, but **** whoever says that to you. (Or me for giving you this advice). ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR. PERIOD.
Author smile_through_tears Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Thanks Tom... See that's where it gets confusing...or where me being PATHETIC comes...We broke up 5 months ago.. Im not over him obviously..I have said that to him that I love him and would try to make it work...He said his feelings had changed...I havent initiated anything in 3 months...it's him...so I'm confused, what does he want? Your advice sounds good but wouldn't it be awkward for me to come after so long telling him I still love him?? My friends say I should just reply to him "normally"...Wow I cannot believe how much thought Im putting into this...I know its just messages on facebook and a couple texts...but to me it goes deeper than that.. he also sent me a message on facebook (kinda long) saying he is very sorry for the pain he caused me....nothing about missing me or anything like that just an apology i guess....I know he's probably not trying to get back with me but then what is it? is he trying to be friends? I miss him alot....to the point that I've even CONSIDERED buying the book on "how to get your ex back"...but i haven't of course....What do I do??
Geishawhelk Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 See that's where it gets confusing...or where me being PATHETIC comes...We broke up 5 months ago.. Im not over him obviously..I have said that to him that I love him and would try to make it work...He said his feelings had changed...I havent initiated anything in 3 months...it's him...so I'm confused, what does he want? Not you. he wants to make himself appear kindly and considerate. Yeh. Right. ......My friends say I should just reply to him "normally"...Wow I cannot believe how much thought Im putting into this...I know its just messages on facebook and a couple texts...but to me it goes deeper than that.. You shouldn't reply at all. I don't know what it is about people refusing to go No Contact because they can't bear it - but discovering that some contact hurts more - but they still keep doing it.... he also sent me a message on facebook (kinda long) saying he is very sorry for the pain he caused me....nothing about missing me or anything like that just an apology i guess. Yeh, but you understand that was to make him feel better, not you? he did it to get himself off the hook, not because you're hurting.... ...I know he's probably not trying to get back with me but then what is it? is he trying to be friends? No, like I said. Contact of this kind does a great deal to make them feel better about themselves; So noble, so kind, so caring so bulls-hit. It takes away their guilt and makes them look generous. I miss him alot....to the point that I've even CONSIDERED buying the book on "how to get your ex back"...but i haven't of course....What do I do?? You know what to do. It will hurt. But not as much as this.
PinkToes Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I agree with Tom (again?!). Let's assume the best about this guy, just for kicks. It's entirely possible that he really does want to be friends with you; it sounds like he's saying things that friends say to each other. I don't believe he's playing games with you, or trying to confuse you. When you broke up, you agreed to be friends. So he is still under the impression that's what you want. So you need to tell him that isn't what you want. Tell him you're not ready, not interested, whatever. Tell him you still care about him, but you need to look out for your best interests at the moment, and that includes a break from him. Tell him YOU will reach out to him if & when you're ready (someday). Meanwhile, you would like him to respect your needs. I really don't think this guy is trying to mess with you. He is behaving the way friends behave toward each other --- because that's what you told him you wanted. It's time to tell him something else now.
Author smile_through_tears Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 thanks everyone..i'm getting mixed replies... so far i have: 1) tell him how i feel then go NC then contact him if & when I'm ready 2) Just don't reply to him at all 3) "pretend" I Have moved on and reply "normally" So which one do i go with???????
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Thank you pink! And the answer is very simple. You tell him this. "I'm sorry I don't reply to you. But the truth is, I still love you (does true love ever really burn out?) and it is too painful to talk. <Insert rest of what I said in the earlier post>" Manipulate him. **** it. **** the human race.
Author smile_through_tears Posted February 13, 2009 Author Posted February 13, 2009 ahhhhhhhh!!!! love love love loveeeeee:o:love:
Island Girl Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 You tell him this. "I'm sorry I don't reply to you. But the truth is, I still love you (does true love ever really burn out?) and it is too painful to talk. <Insert rest of what I said in the earlier post>" I agree your only hope is manipulation. However I would NEVER say "it is too painful". That sounds pathetic. I would say, "I want you to be with you as my boyfriend. What we had was great. You want to be friends. I don't need another friend, I have enough friends." And then you are in NC.
JoL Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 NC. Tell him you don't want him in your life, tell him to leave you alone, cut him off completely. I'm not saying this will win him back but generally, when want what they can't have. The more needy and emotional you are, the more he will remember why he doesn't want to be with you. Just tell him flat out: "please don't contact me". And then leave it. For however long it takes. If he doesn't come back- then you have had time to get over him without his pressence. If he does- then you need to wonder if it's worth gambling on him again.
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 If it makes you feel any better smile, I think you're good looking (if that's you in your avatar). (What I can see anyways). It's probably that guys loss, because 90% of guys are ugly.
Template Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 If it makes you feel any better smile, I think you're good looking (if that's you in your avatar). (What I can see anyways). It's probably that guys loss, because 90% of guys are ugly. Heeeeey!! I resemble that remark!! You smiling yet girl?!?!
DSM-IV Tom Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Haha you resemble my remark, Template? What's that mean!
Template Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 i hate mind games but im desperate and willing to do anything (if its possible) to get him back. Hmm.. I am curious. So what exactly are you do to willing to get him back? Would you let him sleep around on you? Would you let him harm innocent people? How about aid him in drug trafficking? I know these sound extreme, and they really are; but my hope is to get you to think; which is the inherent purpose of the NC rule. You've already stated that he no longer has the same feeling for you. Would you prefer to be back together, boyfriend and girlfriend knowing that it's just all appearances. That you are the only one putting in the effort. Trust me, you will not be happy. I've read an article last night in one of the Men's magazines, and it dealt specifically with the science of a breakup, how our hormone actually play a large part in why we feel the way we do in love and breakup. However, when a question was asked about "being friends" the advice it gave was simply this, tell the person, "I know you'd like to be friends, but we cannot at this time. One day when I am COMPLETELY over you, we can consider a friendship." I know you want him back, in a lot of ways, if you are on this board, all of us at one time or another felt the same way. Remember though, you only can control yourself. IF you try some sort of manipulation, to try to get him back, it's the same as lying, and we all know what happens to relationships based on lies.
Template Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Haha you resemble my remark, Template? What's that mean! I'm one of the 90% ugly guys.
IcemanJB Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 I agree with others in that your best (well, really your only option) is to manipulate him, seeing as you seem hell-bent on getting back with him. For me personally, manipulation is a last resort. Most people can catch on that you're trying to manipulate, and it makes you look weak, pathetic, passive-aggressive, etc. But, if you MUST, just tell him straight up what you want (a rs), and ignore all his responses, unless they say he wants to get back together. If you decide you don't want to manipulate, I'll give you an example of the email I sent to my ex when I just wanted to be left alone to heal. This was a couple days after we ran into each other late one night, and she stopped me to talk for like 45 minutes: From: [ME] Sent: [FONT=PrimaSans BT,Verdana,sans-serif]Sunday, November 23, 2008 1:27 pm To: [HER] I hate to have to write this, but it needs to be done. First, it was really nice seeing you on Thursday. It seems like you're fine with talking and whatnot, and you're doing much better and I'm glad you are, but I'm not at that point quite yet. Much better than I was a few weeks ago, but I need more time. Yes I realize it's kind of lame considering it's been over a month and a half. Anyways, feel free to respond to this, but please don't contact me for awhile after that; I'll contact you. I just want to make sure it's said that I'm just doing this for myself. [stupid inside joke/small talk was here].... She replied saying basically she was really glad to see me, feels terrible, is so sorry, still isn't over it either, talk to her as soon as i can, blah blah blah. This email was the last thing I said to her. Now if she had cheated or done something awful, I never would have given her the courtesy of that email. The breakup (she claims) was mutual; I still feel it was mostly her though. I guess the only difference between manipulative NC and non-manipulative NC is the hope factor. One is to try to win them back, the other is to heal. Hope this helps.
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