single women

[Woggle]

They are at a bad age right now and I don't mean that as an insult. Men their age who have never married are usually confirmed bachelors and set in their ways. The divorced ones are usually divorced because of a walkaway wife and that whole experience tends to taint a man's view of women and makes them much less trusting. 35 is the age where many men stop being nice guys after years if being chewed up and spit out by women and your friends unfairly are taking the brunt of that.

[Els]

I honestly think that being in a relationship or not... is pretty much by chance. I've only been in three in my life, and two stemmed from the same circle of friends.

 

I have many female friends who would appeal more to the typical male my age -- pretty, social, likes to dress up, the typical nice girl... and I sometimes wonder why I'm in a relationship and they're not. I wasn't even looking, to be honest. But I think that since I'm rather... different (my strengths are personality, intelligence, open-mindedness and wit, IMHO, instead of looks), I have a smaller pool of possible partners, yet when I meet one the connection is very strong, tangible, and nearly instantaneous. I was just lucky to have actually met one. And they, from their larger pool, have not been lucky enough to make a connection strong enough yet.

[marlena]

educated and intelligent women who are also good looking have the hardest time finding suitable men (especially once they get past 35)...part of it is socio-economic and part is cause they are more "picky" than the average female.

 

basically they feel uncomfortable settling for mr. joe-the-plumber

 

 

Totally agree with this post.

 

Women in their late thirties andforties who are financially independent, educated, attractive and intelligent want it all or nothing. This is even truer of women in theri fifties. Whether that suitable man comes along or not is pure luck and with the laws of probability working against them, it is extremely unlikely that he will.

 

After a certain age, they have acquired experience and the knowledge that comes with it and so are more discriminating when it comes to choosing a partner. Young people are more easily trapped into marriage than their older,wiser counterparts who refuse to enter any relationship just for the sake of having a relationship and nothing more. Unless it feels absolutely right, they are unwilling to give up their freedom and stree-free life. They simply see no reason to compromise. As a person gets older, he/she also becomes more set in his/her ways, is rather opinionated, has a fully-developed personality and becomes more and more resistant to change and adjustment, both imperative in a relationship.

 

The divorced ones have taken off the rose-coloured glasses and know what marriage entails and do not want the responsibilities and hard work especially after a certain age. If they have already had their children, many could care less about marriage. They feel they have come full circle, been there, done that, and that now is a time to get selfish and live their life for themselves and only themselves.

 

Here, we have a saying that goes something like this: either marry young or become a monk when you're older. Yeah, it loses in the translation!! It just means that young people are more adaptable, willing to compromise and more apt to be fooled as they haven't got a clue as to what they are getting themselves into.

[Stockalone]

I'm just confused, I don't understand what prevents you from dating if you want a relationship.

 

I wanted everything or nothing.

 

When I no longer believed that I could get it all, I threw in the towel.

 

Fast forward a couple of years, and I still am not convinced that I could actually find love again. However, a strange twist of fate has got me thinking about maybe dating again.

 

But I would need to lose a lot of weight and work on some other issues (being set in my ways now after being single for so long, being picky). I don't think I could get a date at the moment, even if I tried.

 

 

 

What exactly did you attempt to change?

Being comfortable with oneself is always #1...

 

What did I change? Well, my life and aspects of my personality are compartmentalized, there are clearly defined roles.

 

There is who I am at work (anylytical and assertive), there is the ex-military (ruthless and a leader who can be a bit full of himself), the former athlete (unrelenting and plays to win) and then there is the "core-me" (rather passive, introverted, shy around and usually not good with women).

 

The "core-me" is who I like the most though, that's who I am at home and around the woman I care about. But that core-me is usually a turn-off for women. So far, I have met one, maybe a second one that actually likes the core-me the best, without mistaking me for a doormat. Those were the women I was looking for.

 

I had my best results with women, as far as getting dates and keeping women interested is concerned, when I changed and mixed work, military and athlete. Assertive, a bit full of himself and determined but also not that dedicated or loving. And that is also a problem. Because what good did it do me to date women, when I was holding back and only had a luke-warm interest. That wasn't the love I once had and was looking for again.

 

And I need to be loved for my core-me too. It represents the things I like the most. Caring and loving, loyal and devoted, but unfortunately also predictable, a bit needy and not really exciting.

 

And it bothered me, that women liked the other aspects of my personality so much better than the core-me that was so much more important to me. I had only developed those other parts out of necessity. Don't get me wrong, I don't despise those parts of me, I am comfortable with those roles, but I don't really value them.

[quankanne]

wow, y'all have really thrown some good, thought-provoking stuff out there.

 

before I go any further, I have to say that no, my girlfriends are not bemoaning their status in life, and yeah, the subject of male companionship comes up. My college girlfriend is a single mom with teenage kids, and I know she made a conscientious effort to hold off on a relationship while they were younger becuse she felt that's where her focus needed to be. And because she didn't want someone telling her how to raise her kids. But it sounds like she's ready to start dating again, and I'm behind her 100 percent ... but it hasn't sounded like she's had guys knocking down the doors and this was the hottie girl in our crowd: Nice face, kick-*ss body, smart, hard-worker, incredible sense of personal economics. Only drawback was that she was a Yankee in South Texas

 

another friend is 30, single, sweet if a bit shy, and keeps up with me from time to time and we talk about the guys she's interested in, but doesn't date. I'm guessing the shyness is a big factor here, because she really is a sweetheart.

 

other friend is in her early 60s, got out of an abusive marriage years ago, and broke up with her man-friend over the holidays because I believe he couldn't commit. Not as in marriage, but being physically and emotionally available. And she's also sweet. And funny.

 

I know that at different levels, they're seeking partners, and I guess I'm concerned (okay, worried for them) that the older they get, the less chances there are for them to find a suitable mate for a committed relationship (not necessarily marriage, but serious boyfriend material).

[lovestruck818]

women who are very attractive often end up alone.

[Trialbyfire]

Being in a relationship is wonderful but not necessary, to be happy. Better to be patient, than to settle. It's also a great feeling when you're single, in that you have complete freedom to do what you want and date who you want. Perhaps that's the motto of your single g/fs too.

 

I have married friends who want me to get remarried. For about a year after my divorce, they would always try to set me up with single men, who they considered eligible, having them show up a dinner parties, etc. While they were eligible, they weren't what I was looking for and realistically speaking, I wasn't in the frame of mind to consider them, since they were all but thrown at me.

 

Do them and yourself a favour. Stay out of it unless they ask you to help them find someone. Being single isn't a tragedy. Being in a bad relationship is a worse fate.

[quankanne]

Not to knock married people but sometimes, married friends can't understand why people enjoy being single.

 

fantastic point, but I swear, I'm only concerned because they're the ones bringing up the subject of male companionship!

 

part of it is socio-economic and part is cause they are more "picky" than the average female.

 

well, I imagine Joe the plumber would be a suitable catch in my circles, as we're homeowners, and a handyman would be handy to have around! Though I know these women want mates who aren't expecting to mooch off them ...

 

as for the picky part, yes, we do become pickier as we get older ~ someone mentioned being more open-minded or willing to date various kinds of people when your younger, and that's true. And another poster talked about people getting burned by bad marriages so they're more wary about getting involved, also true ... no one wants to repeat a bad experience.

 

here it is, per Marlena: "After a certain age, they have acquired experience and the knowledge that comes with it and so are more discriminating when it comes to choosing a partner."

 

Elswyth hits the nail on the head, though: "I sometimes wonder why I'm in a relationship and they're not."

 

I mean, these gals are much more attractive than I am, and in some cases more intelligent, but it seems like they're having a harder go at finding a mate and I just don't comprehend why.

 

choice? Yes, to a degree, but people change their minds.

 

I guess the other big question is, are men of a certain age, who have been through the break up of a serious relationship or two, even interested in attempting to forge that bond with a woman again? Or are we women just screwed because we want something that doesn't exist?

[Stockalone]

I know that at different levels, they're seeking partners, and I guess I'm concerned (okay, worried for them) that the older they get, the less chances there are for them to find a suitable mate for a committed relationship (not necessarily marriage, but serious boyfriend material).

 

Kids (no matter the age) can be a dealbreaker for a man. If he doesn't already have a family but wants one, he might also look at the age of a woman harshly. Or question if she even would want "another" family, having another baby or two.

 

And he could be thinking that if his swimmers are on the decline, he should better find a younger woman whose biological clock has more time left for better overall odds.

 

For someone who is shy, the question is, do they socialize enough to be noticed and approached? If you sit on your couch and read a book, instead of having drinks with co-workers, that means less exposure to the other gender.

 

And alphamale already mentioned the problem that educated women face.

 

More women than men are now graduating from college and women outperform men in school. Women are mostly looking for a man who won't bring down their lifestyle, hence look for someone of equal or a higher level of education and income.

 

Men don't really care about that. Men marry down, women marry up. Men have more time to have kids.

 

So basically, women have less suitable men to choose from and then have to compete with a lot more women for those men. There simply aren't enough desirable men to go around for all the educated women. Depending on where you live, that can make it better or worse.

[tanbark813]

I guess the other big question is, are men of a certain age, who have been through the break up of a serious relationship or two, even interested in attempting to forge that bond with a woman again? Or are we women just screwed because we want something that doesn't exist?

 

There is no universal answer. My mom got divorced in her 50's and lives in a small town and didn't have too much trouble finding another man (men, for that matter).

 

Realistically, it's probably a combination of bad luck/timing/whatever and something to do with these women. It's unlikely that the problem can be solely attributed to men or solely attributed to these women.

[Isolde]

I may be cynical right now, but I'm honestly beginning to believe that some women are destined to be single forever, for no explainable reason.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I think that in order to meet men and date you have to put yourself out there.

 

I know of a lady who is 60 some that met a great guy. He is crazy about her, takes her to trips and buys her tons of gifts (even a computer and desk).

 

But she went to dance lessons, trips, to the gym, and tons of activities. And it took a while too, she was single for years.

[BentSpine]

I know that at different levels, they're seeking partners, and I guess I'm concerned (okay, worried for them) that the older they get, the less chances there are for them to find a suitable mate for a committed relationship (not necessarily marriage, but serious boyfriend material).

This is a VERY interesting thread. Maybe because I myself am single and possibly open for women like your friends. Yes, even your 60+ friend. Please help me understand what you mean by serious boyfriend material. I have my good & bad qualites, and I wonder if my bad traits can be compensated in order to become a Serious Boyfriend Material.

 

You see, I welcome all nice women whose path crosses mine: as brief as a minute or as long as 30 years, I will be grateful for their smaller or bigger contribution to my life. So I will appreciate a fling. But I've gotten the impression that most women don't really like a fling, they wan't "more" and I guess that means more time together.

 

From my appreciating viewpoint my honest question then becomes: How much potential time together do women need before a relationship is worth embarking on?

 

Is it a fear of ending up alone at the retirement home? Does old & alone at the retirement home equal to not feeling feminine, as if lost beauty has made the woman genderless and unwanted like garbage? Is this why you fear that possibilites are getting fewer as your friends get older?

 

 

I don't have a great deal to contribute but I agree with some points that have already been made:

 

Short hair is a major turn-off. For me, women loose more femininity when they cut their hair short than if they lose their breasts.

 

Being overbearing will become tiring for a man who has a will of his own.

 

Being shy is being self-conscious and perhaps self-conscious enough to not be able to orgasm, which in turn leads to low sex frequency. And that's bad.

 

Being funny is a double edged sword: Some sense of humour is a good thing, it makes the woman easy going. But if she's so funny that she'll anticipate the punchlines of my jokes, then I as a man loose one thing that would make me attractive to other, less comedically blessed, women. Given two otherwise equal women I would pick the one who laughs the heartiest (at my jokes). But if a man has plenty of other attractive qualities this might be a non-issue.

 

Do you friends have a vivid plan of their desired relationship? Do they have a list of must-have traits?

[Els]

Being funny is a double edged sword: Some sense of humour is a good thing, it makes the woman easy going. But if she's so funny that she'll anticipate the punchlines of my jokes, then I as a man loose one thing that would make me attractive to other, less comedically blessed, women. Given two otherwise equal women I would pick the one who laughs the heartiest (at my jokes). But if a man has plenty of other attractive qualities this might be a non-issue.

 

Do you friends have a vivid plan of their desired relationship? Do they have a list of must-have traits?

 

Wow, so I guess it's true in some cases, what they say about 'when a man says he wants a woman to have a sense of humour, he just means he wants someone who'll laugh at all his jokes'. And here I was thinking that was just plain ol' satire laced with cynicism...