quankanne Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 have been thinking about this quite awhile, and I'm wondering what y'alls thoughts are: I've got lots of single female friends (some divorced, some never married), all decent women with good jobs and easy on the eye. but none of them have had luck at finding men! I know that one is a bit shy, but she's a lovely, smart girl who would do any guy proud; another is a bit outspoken, but she's funny as all get out and damned good about being there for the people she cares about. But it doesn't seem to do them any good when it comes to getting into a relationship. are men that picky? Do they really want arm candy? Or am I just being generous to a fault because they're my friends and I want to see them happily paired with someone? are they just that bad and I can't see it, or are they simply women who automatically put into a "friend zone" by men because they're "nice" but not memorable? For the life of me, I just can't see why guys don't see what I do about these gals ... your thoughts?
tanbark813 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Keep in mind that men and women don't look at women the same way. For example, if a woman cuts her hair short other women will often tell her how cute she looks while men are silenty cringing at the change. It could be anything, really. Maybe something physical. Maybe they have poor attitudes about men (seems more and more likely the older a woman is). Maybe they themselves are being too picky.
Trialbyfire Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 The larger the social and work network they have, the more likely they'll find someone. AND realistically speaking, men are visual, forget subtlety. Unless a man's alpha where he's unafraid to go after what he wants, the rest need a swack up the head, to figure out a woman's giving him the green light.
lovephupphy Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Maybe it would help if these single women get drunk and show a little tit every now and then, hmmmm?
confused_2008 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Maybe it would help if these single women get drunk and show a little tit every now and then, hmmmm? Haha, show a little tit, huh? Probably depends on how old they are, but yeah, in most instances that probably couldn't hurt.
kizik Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 No one ever gets anything at the exact time that they want it. People who are "looking" for people come off as needy and unattractive. Anytime I hear someone verbally bemoan their single status, it kind of grosses me out and makes me feel sorry for them. Your friends don't need men. And anyway, all the good ones are on the Internet, trying to cope with having been severely mistreated by women that don't deserve them.
kizik Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 BTW, if your friends actually 'need' men, that's a problem, IMO. We can tell when you're self-sufficient, and damn, is that a turn-on. Unfortunately there are TONS of chicks out there looking for a man to 'complete' them, then they act surprised when they end up with an abuser, whose only goal is to find prey like them.
Woggle Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 If they are single and don't want to be there is something they are doing which repells decent men. Also some men when they get to a certain age after being through the ringer with women just don't trust them anymore. I know a lot of men in their 40s that are just bitter as hell.
kizik Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Christ, I'm already getting that way, and I'm only 25.
fral945 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Well, when you say one is a bit outspoken you're probably understating it, being that you are her friend. That could be a problem. But it's hard to say with the rest based on your description. As their friend likely you are biased to view them favorably. Why not find some single guys who already know them or find some new guys to introduce to them? Not even necessarily to date, just meet and get to know. You could get some feedback from them that might help you find out what the problem (or problems) is.
Author quankanne Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 maybe "outspoken" was not the right word, because she's not obnoxious ... "forthright," maybe? Let's just say you never have to worry about beating around the bush with her, she can handle the truth, but she's never rude about it. and no, to my recollection, they don't "whine about needing a man," just wistfully talk about how sometimes, they miss having a companion – they're both pretty self-sufficient and bounced back without getting all mopey and **** after their divorces. however, my husband has pointed out that even the most perfect girl really isn't perfect ... somewhere, some guy got sick of her crap and dumped her ( Why not find some single guys who already know them or find some new guys to introduce to them? Not even necessarily to date, just meet and get to know. You could get some feedback from them that might help you find out what the problem (or problems) is. that's just it: I don't know many unattached guys their ages! Most of them don't stay unattached for long, the way my girlfriends have ...
Stockalone Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 are they just that bad and I can't see it, or are they simply women who automatically put into a "friend zone" by men because they're "nice" but not memorable? For the life of me, I just can't see why guys don't see what I do about these gals ... your thoughts? Without knowing these women, it's impossible to say. But I strongly believe that there are always reasons, and a streak of bad luck usually isn't it, at least not if we are talking about years of being single. I don't buy the "I don't know why I am single". If you don't know, you don't look hard enough to find the reason. Have you ever asked them what they think is the reason they are still/again single? And what they expect from a partner, what deal-breakers they have. Basically see how they view themselves, what their strenghts and weaknessses are and how realistic their demands are. And then compare that to what you and other friends think about it. Do you all agree, mixed opinions. And it does work best if you have both female and male input. Than can lead to some unpleasant or even devastating results though. But if you can identify those things, then it's easier to deal with them. It at least gives people a choice. Adapt (as much as you can without compromising who you really are). Don't hide, but downplay the weaknesses and try to work on them. As for the strengths, advertize them and use them to your advantage. Or accept the status quo and stop dating.
Trialbyfire Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 quank, are they honestly bemoaning their status in life or are you just concerned about them being single? Not to knock married people but sometimes, married friends can't understand why people enjoy being single.
Lizzie60 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 My thoughts.. Even though you know these women.. you cannot put yourself in a man's shoes... What it is exactly that makes them un-datable.. it's hard to say.. but methink you cannot have an objective opinion about them on a date or from a man's point of view.. (but you might have a good idea). Anyway... it's not really YOUR problem..
Isolde Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 First of all, there's nothing wrong with bemoaning being single. It is irritating if that's all you talk about and may well turn people off hanging out with you, but it's no more "repulsive" than a person in a relationship complaining about their sig other's behavior. Honestly, I don't think you'll find anyone that's been single for several years or longer that won't mention they'd like to change that situation. (But I do agree one should try to be optimistic and not drag your friends down with you!) Secondly, and more to the point, I really do think luck figures in somewhat. I think that some personalities more easily lend themselves to being in a relationship than others and that there's some degree of variance in how many people each individual may be compatible with. It is most likely not that guys want someone drop dead gorgeous or that your friends are being unreasonably picky. I see perfectly average (personality and physical) people in the happiest relationships all the time. The problem is, I'm guessing, a combination of insecurity, baggage, and pure luck in terms of finding someone compatible. [And don't forget that some vulnerability isn't necessarily a bad thing or a turnoff to men.] The thing is, no one is inherently unmatchable. In the end, we're all #&*%&^ up humans
Isolde Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Oh, yeah, this is another thing I was thinking about, "eligible" men get taken up so much faster than "eligible" women. I have never been able to figure out why. My theory is that there are a lot more attractive women (physically) than attractive men in the world, so an attractive man "stands out" more.
Isolde Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Basically see how they view themselves, what their strenghts and weaknessses are and how realistic their demands are. And then compare that to what you and other friends think about it. Do you all agree, mixed opinions. And it does work best if you have both female and male input. Than can lead to some unpleasant or even devastating results though. But if you can identify those things, then it's easier to deal with them. It at least gives people a choice. I don't think dating really works that way. Dating is about compatibility and little else IMO. It's not about leagues, it's not about expectations, and it's definitely NOT about how good of a personality you have.
fral945 Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 that's just it: I don't know many unattached guys their ages! Most of them don't stay unattached for long, the way my girlfriends have ... Well use attached guys then. How old are these women? I find it hard to believe there aren't any single men available in their age bracket, unless they are 70-80 years old (in which case most of the men their age would be dead).
Stockalone Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I don't think dating really works that way. Dating is about compatibility and little else IMO. It's not about leagues, it's not about expectations, and it's definitely NOT about how good of a personality you have. Expectations, personality, and looks will determine, among many other things, if there will be chemistry and ultimately, how compatible people will be.
Isolde Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Expectations, personality, and looks will determine, among many other things, if there will be chemistry and ultimately, how compatible people will be. This is true, of course--it's just that you can't map out who will have chemistry with whom, ahead of time. I'm just basically saying that there should be someone for almost everyone on earth, so it's useless to say "I'm not dateable."
alphamale Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I've got lots of single female friends (some divorced, some never married), all decent women with good jobs and easy on the eye. educated and intelligent women who are also good looking have the hardest time finding suitable men (especially once they get past 35)...part of it is socio-economic and part is cause they are more "picky" than the average female. basically they feel uncomfortable settling for mr. joe-the-plumber
Stockalone Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 This is true, of course--it's just that you can't map out who will have chemistry with whom, ahead of time. I agree, you can't say: Do the following and it will work out with a specific person. I'm just basically saying that there should be someone for almost everyone on earth, so it's useless to say "I'm not dateable." It depends. Getting a date is one thing, finding a suitable partner for a relationship is obviously a lot harder. Many people have told me that I am basically not going to get into another relationship the way I was/am. Friends, family, co-workers. And they were right. So I made changes, and that worked, but I didn't like the more dateable me. I reverted back to the "old" me and eventually, I stopped dating.
Isolde Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 It depends. Getting a date is one thing, finding a suitable partner for a relationship is obviously a lot harder. Many people have told me that I am basically not going to get into another relationship the way I was/am. Friends, family, co-workers. And they were right. So I made changes, and that worked, but I didn't like the more dateable me. I reverted back to the "old" me and eventually, I stopped dating. What exactly did you attempt to change? Being comfortable with oneself is always #1... I'm just confused, I don't understand what prevents you from dating if you want a relationship.
alphamale Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 ... I'm just confused, I don't understand what prevents you from dating if you want a relationship. people are not always in control of (or even aware of) what their subconcious mind wants
alphamale Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Keep in mind that men and women don't look at women the same way. For example, if a woman cuts her hair short other women will often tell her how cute she looks while men are silenty cringing at the change. not me, if she was close to me i'd tell her i prefer it longer. if its a stranger or casual acquaintance i wouldn't care and just say it looks fine.
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