gemstem Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Hello Everyone, I am new to the group. I came across this website and I am relieved to find there are people I can relate to with the same/similar experiences as myself. I am going through a dilemma at the moment. I do not know whether I am being oversensitive and paranoid (I am a Scorpio), or if I really need to take some action in my relationship. Please help. Am I going mad?! Any advice gratefully received. I met my LDR via internet in April 07, and we finally met in person in Oct07. We have been in a LDR nearly 2yrs now. It was a very slow starting friendship, but now we have reached a stage where we are on the same page and know what we want. We have declared our love for each other :) well, more or less... and we want to be together in the same country (working on it) and make the relationship work long-term. A bit of background history: This man I want to spend the rest of my life with is Loyal, trustworthy, honorable, but he is also a Workaholic, stubborn and if that isn't enough, he has no money' - and I love him. Since he has no money and no passport, and I have a job and time to spare I have been to visit him 8 times in the past year. On my last visit we argued constantly about his business, finances and the stress he is under (I tried to avoid any frictions that might cause a row, but they just kept popping up, out of now-where!). He has his own business (hence the long working hours), which is slowly going down the tubes, due to his back- stabbing, thief of an accountant, hence the financial problems and stress (but thats for another forum!). I have been trying to support and help him as much as I can, but being in another country the help I can give is limited. Present day: We were IM a few nights ago, he told me that his business problems are depressing and he can't seem to motivate himself, and that he has never found life so hard. I told him I understood how he felt, but to remember he is not alone, as I am here to talk to, if he wants/needs to talk - he then said 'yeah but it's not the same as having somebody close - sorry'. Although it's true, this really hurt my feelings . On 5Feb09 he told me an ex-customer had heard on the grapevine that he is in trouble with his business. They had a meeting, and she has offered to help him get his business back on track, and has even offered to lend him money to clear some of his debts! I couldn't believe it either! She is now working with him 3 days a week. (She is about 15yrs younger than me). He says she has been very helpful. He told me that she is the most Intelligent woman he has ever met, and that she is 'Hot' and an amazing woman. Since she has been working with him his contact with me has been nearly non-existent. I called him on 10Feb09 and he was whispering on the phone, he said he did not want her to hear him talking. He was singing her praises, I tried to talk about other things, but then he said he had to go as he was very busy. I Had one short non-committal text from him yesterday and that's been it. You can now see my worry - I am really worried that he will now drop me for this woman who is helping him and who is conveniently 'somebody close' - support and a shoulder for him to cry on etc... She seems to have managed to 'worm' her way into his life so easily and so fast. I love this guy and want us to go ahead with our plans for our future together. I don't want our relationship to end. What would you do? Any suggestions? Sorry this post ended up so long... (also posted in the LDR forum).
Taramere Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 A bit of background history: This man I want to spend the rest of my life with is Loyal, trustworthy, honorable What's your assessment based on? What he's told you about himself? You can now see my worry - I am really worried that he will now drop me for this woman who is helping him and who is conveniently 'somebody close' - support and a shoulder for him to cry on etc... She seems to have managed to 'worm' her way into his life so easily and so fast. I love this guy and want us to go ahead with our plans for our future together. I don't want our relationship to end. What would you do? Any suggestions? Sorry this post ended up so long... (also posted in the LDR forum). Regardless of the extent to which he's been encouraging you to view this as a relationship, and regardless of the fact that he allows you to visit him (and presumably provide sex as well as a willing ear for his whining), I think this woman is entitled to regard him as single. Which is probably how he presents himself. I'd go a step further and say that "single" is probably how everyone except you would regard him. Right now, in the face of mounting evidence that this relationship is a fantasy that got out of control (there's nothing imaginary about the money you've been shelling out to visit him, I'm sure), you probably feel a little like someone who's invested everything they own in a bankrupt company. You don't want to face up to it. It's too much....but your instincts are telling you that you must. When you've invested in a bankrupt company, you don't borrow more money to invest more in it - in the futile hope that that will somehow turn things around. You cut your losses and walk away. If your "rival" wants to pour fifteen grand down the drain then that's entirely up to her. If in fact she actually exists....and this isn't some elaborate stunt he's pulling that has the ultimate aim of conning fifteen grand out of you. That might sound unfairly accusing, but... ....slowly going down the tubes, due to his back- stabbing, thief of an accountant You know the expression "birds of a feather..." It generally applies doubly in business. Dodgy people like to hire dodgy accountants.....then when it all starts going tits up, the crooks like to pile blame on eachother. Cut your losses. Really. I mean, read what you wrote here... I am a Scorpio That says it all, I'm afraid. You're being terribly naive. Have you spoken to friends and family about this? What do they all say about it?
lovephupphy Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Wake up and smell the coffee. You are about to be replaced with a newer, younger, and most importantly, closer babe. Long Distance relationships rarely work for several reasons, one of which is there are always others nearer who may take a fancy to what you thought was yours.
Author gemstem Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Wow! You certainly don't hold nothing back? or did you omit a few things, and are saving it for the final kill, later. (Still working out how to use the 'Quote' function - so here goes). Thanks for your feedback - it has really opened my eyes to a few things I could not see before. I would like to think I have not been so naive, but I guess we can all get caught out once or twice in our lifetimes. What's your assessment based on? What he's told you about himself? He's told me alot about himself, his family, his friends and his ex-girlfriends and I have no reason to doubt him. Regardless of the extent to which he's been encouraging you to view this as a relationship, and regardless of the fact that he allows you to visit him (and presumably provide sex as well as a willing ear for his whining), I think this woman is entitled to regard him as single. Which is probably how he presents himself. I'd go a step further and say that "single" is probably how everyone except you would regard him. I think this woman is entitled to regard him as single. From your comment here I assume you are from that small percentage group of people who feel that LDRs do not work. Having said that, on two occasions he has introduced me as his 'friend' and when I challenged him on this, he told me that they are not people he is close to and probably will not see again, so why should he tell them his business. Right now, in the face of mounting evidence that this relationship is a fantasy that got out of control (there's nothing imaginary about the money you've been shelling out to visit him, I'm sure), you probably feel a little like someone who's invested everything they own in a bankrupt company. You don't want to face up to it. It's too much....but your instincts are telling you that you must. When you've invested in a bankrupt company, you don't borrow more money to invest more in it - in the futile hope that that will somehow turn things around. You cut your losses and walk away. If your "rival" wants to pour fifteen grand down the drain then that's entirely up to her. If in fact she actually exists....and this isn't some elaborate stunt he's pulling that has the ultimate aim of conning fifteen grand out of you. That might sound unfairly accusing, but... If your "rival" wants to pour fifteen grand down the drain then that's entirely up to her. 15 grand???? where did you get that from?!! If in fact she actually exists....and this isn't some elaborate stunt he's pulling that has the ultimate aim of conning fifteen grand out of you. He's spoken of her before, so I am pretty sure she exists. He is not so cunning (then again, what do I know... being in another country an all). You know the expression "birds of a feather..." It generally applies doubly in business. Dodgy people like to hire dodgy accountants.....then when it all starts going tits up, the crooks like to pile blame on eachother. Cut your losses. Really. I mean, read what you wrote here... That says it all, I'm afraid. You're being terribly naive. Have you spoken to friends and family about this? What do they all say about it?
Author gemstem Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Wake up and smell the coffee. You are about to be replaced with a newer, younger, and most importantly, closer babe. Long Distance relationships rarely work for several reasons, one of which is there are always others nearer who may take a fancy to what you thought was yours. lovephuppy,have you even been a LDR? You sound so sure...
Author gemstem Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Taramere, [COLOR=#0000ff]I would like to think I have not been so naive, but I guess we can all get caught out once or twice in our lifetimes. [/COLOR] [COLOR=#0000ff]Thanks for the feedback - it has really opened my eyes to a few things I could not see before. [/COLOR] What's your assessment based on? What he's told you about himself? Regardless of the extent to which he's been encouraging you to view this as a relationship, and regardless of the fact that he allows you to visit him (and presumably provide sex as well as a willing ear for his whining), I think this woman is entitled to regard him as single. Which is probably how he presents himself. I'd go a step further and say that "single" is probably how everyone except you would regard him. Right now, in the face of mounting evidence that this relationship is a fantasy that got out of control (there's nothing imaginary about the money you've been shelling out to visit him, I'm sure), you probably feel a little like someone who's invested everything they own in a bankrupt company. You don't want to face up to it. It's too much....but your instincts are telling you that you must. When you've invested in a bankrupt company, you don't borrow more money to invest more in it - in the futile hope that that will somehow turn things around. You cut your losses and walk away. If your "rival" wants to pour fifteen grand down the drain then that's entirely up to her. If in fact she actually exists....and this isn't some elaborate stunt he's pulling that has the ultimate aim of conning fifteen grand out of you. That might sound unfairly accusing, but... You know the expression "birds of a feather..." It generally applies doubly in business. Dodgy people like to hire dodgy accountants.....then when it all starts going tits up, the crooks like to pile blame on eachother. Cut your losses. Really. I mean, read what you wrote here... That says it all, I'm afraid. You're being terribly naive. Have you spoken to friends and family about this? What do they all say about it?
bean1 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 gemstem, You appear to be this man's friend/confident/therapist rather than his girlfriend. To be fair, any man facing financial disaster (especially a business) would feel like a failure or go through a bout of depression. BUT... Do not use that as an excuse for him to not treat you right. It sounds like you are justifying this behaviour because of this. He should be PROUD to call you his girlfriend. He sings praise about her but not you. He doesn't communicate to you. You pay for all the visits. I'm sorry, but I think you can do better then this. You seem to have a lot of love to give so give it to a man who deserves it. For the record, I'm not a fan of LDR's but I would give this same advice if he lives next door to you.
Taramere Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 Sorry about the fifteen grand bit. I read where you said she was lending him money. The figure 15 stuck in my mind (but that did, of course, refer to the age gap between you and her, and not to a sum of money). Okay, you didn't like my post. Here's an alternative response you might like better: You and this man were made for eachother. The only things standing in the way of true love are a) his business problems, and b) this other woman. He has no responsibility for the above. The business problems are all the crooked accountant's fault. The hot woman who wants to lend him money popped out of a bottle he picked up on the beach. Look, I know I'm being horrible. If you were a friend of mine I'd have put far more effort into being diplomatic and gentle. As it is, you're someone on a message board who had posted the same story twice and wasn't garnering any responses. I figured that even a negative response (and I can't see how to put a positive spin on this situation) would be better than none at all. Once again, have you discussed this with friends and family? Are they advising you to persevere with this guy? I suspect not.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 It's CLEARLY obvious that this "relationship" is falling apart. Even before the hot woman, you visited him 8 times while he was too busy to visit you at all. That says it all. Men that like you WILL make an effort to see you no matter what. I can not beleive that you think you are being too sensitive. Sorry if this is blunt but you need to stop making excuses for him and see this situation for what it really is. Also it would be tempting for you to think that we are all just anti-LDRs. I personally think that LDRs can work, it's just that your particular LDR is not working. Please do not settle for crumbs. P.S. He has probably already slept with his co-worker.
Taramere Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 It's CLEARLY obvious that this "relationship" is falling apart. Even before the hot woman, you visited him 8 times while he was too busy to visit you at all. That says it all. Men that like you WILL make an effort to see you no matter what. Agreed. It sounds horribly one-sided gemstem. I understand that you want to make this work, and are prepared to put all kinds of effort into making it work....but if this guy ends up ditching you, despite all your best efforts, it's going to hurt infinitely more than any harsh post from a stranger. She is now working with him 3 days a week. (She is about 15yrs younger than me). He says she has been very helpful. He told me that she is the most Intelligent woman he has ever met, and that she is 'Hot' and an amazing woman. What he's doing there is far crueller than anything anyone here has said to you. This is someone you believe you have a strong, loving and genuine connection with. You've visited him 8 times in the last year, and what does he give you in return? Self esteem crushing digs about another woman he's developing an involvement with. On my last visit we argued constantly about his business, finances and the stress he is under (I tried to avoid any frictions that might cause a row, but they just kept popping up, out of now-where!). Friction doesn't just pop up out of nowhere. He's under stress, and he's taking it out on a woman who is doing everything she can to make a relationship work with him against some overwhelming odds. Then he's rubbing salt into the wound by devaluing you with these comments about another woman who is closer, younger, hot and "the most intelligent woman" he's ever met. These are the actions and words of someone who's far too wrapped up in himself to care about how you're feeling. Stress doesn't create a selfish personality. It only amplifies it.....which is why you really shouldn't be using it to excuse his actions. Those excuses will only keep you in a situation that's going to deliver a lot more of the pain you're feeling right now, before it finally spits you out. Okay. I'm going to try to end this on a positive note, because I'm conscious of the harshness of my opening post. It sounds as though initially this LDR brought you some happiness. I'm sure that some of the times you visited him you had a really fun time. There are probably some good memories to take from this, as well as lessons. The faster you disentangle yourself from what's left of it, the easier it'll be to hold onto those more positive times.
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 I also feel like you're fooling yourself and that this is about to go up in flames. I'm sorry, too, about being blunt - but why waste time dancing around the issue? You wanted honest opinions - here they are. He's freaking whispering on the phone to you while she's in the background because he doesn't want her to hear him talking to you. Hello? That right there would have been enough to make me hang up and preserve a little bit of my self-respect. He stated that you in another country is not the same as having somebody close. Ta-da...he has somebody close. I'm not sure how many red flags it's going to take for you. I guess it's going to take him dropping off the face of the planet or dumping you cruelly to get it. Just be prepared for when it happens.
mr. Posted February 13, 2009 Posted February 13, 2009 i hate to agree with everyone here but this seems like a very one sided thing going on. it's sucks, but . . . .
Author gemstem Posted February 17, 2009 Author Posted February 17, 2009 Thanks for your opinions, 'mean, blunt or otherwise'. This was a hard lesson for me, and I can't deny what I feel for him. I still hope he does well with his business, and that he makes it over to see me, but in the meantime, I will not be putting my life on hold and I will keep my options firmly open.
BCCA Posted February 17, 2009 Posted February 17, 2009 A good friend of mine went through a similar situation with an LDR. Basically, the amount of effort it takes to make something work from another country is not very much, so hes going along with it. You'll come to see him (and sleep with him), he doesnt have any money so I assume youre paying for things, and then if all else fails...he stops answering his phone, and viola - he's completely off the hook without even having to try. I'll tell you like this, as a guy, when I have a girlfriend, thats what I call her. I dont tell anyone 'friend' unless I dont consider her my gf. Second, I would never tell someone I cared about that another women was hot, the smartest girl I ever met, and I would expect to be hung up on and eventually slapped if I tried to whisper on the phone so this other woman didnt hear me talking to you. To me, he's doing his best to get you to dump him, and youre not taking the bait.
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