Am I being over-sensitive or is he going to drop me?!

[gemstem]

Hello Everyone, I am new to the group. I came across this website and I am relieved to find there are people I can relate to with the same/similar experiences as myself.

 

 

 

I am going through a dilemma at the moment. I do not know whether I am being oversensitive and paranoid (I am a Scorpio), or if I really need to take some action in my relationship. Please help. Am I going mad?! Any advice gratefully received.

 

I met my LDR via internet in April 07, and we finally met in person in Oct07. We have been in a LDR nearly 2yrs now. It was a very slow starting friendship, but now we have reached a stage where we are on the same page and know what we want. We have declared our love for each other :) well, more or less... and we want to be together in the same country (working on it) and make the relationship work long-term.

 

A bit of background history:

The man I want to spend the rest of my life with is Loyal, trustworthy, honorable, but he is also a Workaholic, stuborn and if that isn't enough, he has no money' - and I love him. Since he has no money and no passport, and I have a job and time to spare I have been to visit him 8 times in the past year. On my last visit we argued constantly about his business, finances and the stress he is under (I tried to avoid any frictions that might cause a row, but they just kept popping up, out of now-where!). He has his own business (hence the long working hours), which is slowly going down the tubes, due to his back- stabbing, thief of an accountant, hence the financial problems and stress (but thats for another forum!). I have been trying to support and help him as much as I can, but being in another country the help I can give is limited.

 

Present day:

We were IM a few nights ago, he told me that his business problems are depressing and he can't seem to motivate himself, and that he has never found life so hard. I told him I understood how he felt, but to remember he is not alone, as I am here to talk to, if he wants/needs to talk - he then said 'yeah but it's not the same as having somebody close - sorry'. Although it's true, this really hurt my feelings .

 

Three days later an ex-customer has heard on the grapevine that he is in trouble with his business. They had a meeting, and she has offered to help him get his business back on track, and has even offered to lend him money to clear some of his debts! I couldn't believe it either! She is now working with him 3 days a week. He says she has been a really helpful. He tells me that she is Intelligent, hot and an amazing woman.

 

You can now see my worry - I am really worried that he will now drop me for this woman who is helping him and who is conveniently 'somebody close'. I love this guy and want us to go ahead with our plans for our future together. I don't want our relationship to end. What would you do? Any suggestions? Sorry this post ended up so long...

[Double Oh Seven]

Sounds like he's going through the motions and is going to run out on you. I hope he doesn't because he will regret it. You need to have a serious talk with him about it and find out where you stand in all of this. You don't want to come across as confrontational and add fuel to his fire, but you need to know. It was wrong of him to make the comments he did and let him know that you're hurt, if you haven't already. Best.

[You'reasian]

Hello Everyone, I am new to the group. I came across this website and I am relieved to find there are people I can relate to with the same/similar experiences as myself.

 

 

 

I am going through a dilemma at the moment. I do not know whether I am being oversensitive and paranoid (I am a Scorpio), or if I really need to take some action in my relationship. Please help. Am I going mad?! Any advice gratefully received.

 

I met my LDR via internet in April 07, and we finally met in person in Oct07. We have been in a LDR nearly 2yrs now. It was a very slow starting friendship, but now we have reached a stage where we are on the same page and know what we want. We have declared our love for each other :) well, more or less... and we want to be together in the same country (working on it) and make the relationship work long-term.

 

A bit of background history:

The man I want to spend the rest of my life with is Loyal, trustworthy, honorable, but he is also a Workaholic, stuborn and if that isn't enough, he has no money' - and I love him. Since he has no money and no passport, and I have a job and time to spare I have been to visit him 8 times in the past year. On my last visit we argued constantly about his business, finances and the stress he is under (I tried to avoid any frictions that might cause a row, but they just kept popping up, out of now-where!). He has his own business (hence the long working hours), which is slowly going down the tubes, due to his back- stabbing, thief of an accountant, hence the financial problems and stress (but thats for another forum!). I have been trying to support and help him as much as I can, but being in another country the help I can give is limited.

 

Present day:

We were IM a few nights ago, he told me that his business problems are depressing and he can't seem to motivate himself, and that he has never found life so hard. I told him I understood how he felt, but to remember he is not alone, as I am here to talk to, if he wants/needs to talk - he then said 'yeah but it's not the same as having somebody close - sorry'. Although it's true, this really hurt my feelings .

 

Three days later an ex-customer has heard on the grapevine that he is in trouble with his business. They had a meeting, and she has offered to help him get his business back on track, and has even offered to lend him money to clear some of his debts! I couldn't believe it either! She is now working with him 3 days a week. He says she has been a really helpful. He tells me that she is Intelligent, hot and an amazing woman.

 

You can now see my worry - I am really worried that he will now drop me for this woman who is helping him and who is conveniently 'somebody close'. I love this guy and want us to go ahead with our plans for our future together. I don't want our relationship to end. What would you do? Any suggestions? Sorry this post ended up so long...

 

Small businesses are having it rough, with everyone else at the moment. Global economy isn't so hot right now.

 

Business set aside, the two of you should have a serious sit down and discuss the current state of your relationship. What you are feeling and what your intentions are at this point.

 

Once you get everything on the table, you can work things out however they may be.

[Island Girl]

OUCH!

 

BTW I read the posts on the other thread that you posted and man they were really going in for the kill it seems.

Sorry they were so rough there.

Not many of those people are familiar with LDRs and some do not view them as relationships as they assume there is so much going on that the other person doesn't know about - not really committed - blah blah blah.

 

That said, yes, I do think you have a serious problem going on.

I don't understand why you are not able to speak with him and why this hasn't been put out there before now.

 

When he mentioned this girl and told you she was hot and intelligent, etc. how did you handle that?

 

My husband and I would have had a very lengthy discussion at that point I can tell you.

 

If you have discussed immigration and all that it entails I would think you could demand a bit more from him as far as communication goes.

How much have you pushed for answers?

 

You have been there so many times. Did you meet his family? Do you have contact with them? Or friends of his?

[Lucky_One]

You have time and resources, so put those to use and go see him ASAP. The best person to talk with about this situation is your BF - not us. Meet this woman, see how they interact, see how he interacts with you if she is around. See if he even wants to you come visit.

 

But communication with him is vital, and doing it face to face is so much more useful.

[Habibti]

WOW.

 

I felt angry just to read that. He has been going through a rough time, she's helped him out and suddenly he puts her on a pedastol and prances it in front of..of all people..his loyal girlfriend. This is such immature behavior, I think you are headed for heartbreak with this guy. Yes, you could go "talk it out" with him, but he's showing severe red flags. Imagine if you were going through a hard time and you told him..oh honey, this really great, hot, guy has been helping me out. He's just so amazing. I mean come on, this is just awful.

 

I can imagine it will hurt to let him go, it's supposed to when we lose someone we love- it isn't a sign though from the universe that we ought to stay in a relationship that isn't good for us. Someone comparing you to another WOMAN who is CLOSE to him, this just isn't good at all.

[gemstem]

Hello again, thank you, to you, for your feedback/advice, I really appreciate it.

 

Well, I decided to do a disappearing act on him for a while (I thought maybe for about 2 weeks), but after a few days he was texting me day and night - asking me if I was ok, was everything ok at work, had he done something to upset me etc etc. I left it another day to compose myself to not sound confrontational, then I called him and told him that I had quite a few things on my mind we needed to talk about.

 

The abbreviated version: - He said I read too much into his comments, and that I think too deep about people and conversations sometimes. He said he didn't mean anything by his comments. He said he didn't think, he was being honest when he told me she was attractive, but he said that did not mean he would be jumping into a bed or anywhere else with her, now or in the future. He said he was annoyed that I would think that he could be so shallow. He didn't quite fully apologize, but he admitted he could see why I might be upset.

 

He told me he always listens to his gut feeling, and he will not be borrowing any money from the woman. He says his goal is to keep his business afloat during the recession and save money to come visit me.

 

I think neither one of us have been too clever here - This was a painful jolt to reality for me, but I can't deny what I feel for him. I really hope he makes it over to see me, but in the meantime, I will not be putting my life on hold.

[gemstem]

OUCH!

 

BTW I read the posts on the other thread that you posted and man they were really going in for the kill it seems.

BTW I read the posts on the other thread that you posted and man they were really going in for the kill it seems.

Hello Island Girl,

Yeah, well, I'm still alive... it was just a surprise, that's all - jeez

Thank you for listening and for your friendly pointers.

 

Sorry they were so rough there.

Sorry they were so rough there.

Is that all they got!

 

Not many of those people are familiar with LDRs and some do not view them as relationships as they assume there is so much going on that the other person doesn't know about - not really committed - blah blah blah.

 

Not many of those people are familiar with LDRs and some do not view them as relationships

You think!

 

That said, yes, I do think you have a serious problem going on.

I don't understand why you are not able to speak with him and why this hasn't been put out there before now.

 

I don't understand why you are not able to speak with him and why this hasn't been put out there before now.

We talk plenty, and we row plenty too. This has been an ongoing discussion/topic for a row, for a while now, he has no money etc etc. I have to be patient etc etc, he's doing his best etc etc. I really do believe he is doing the best he can under the circumstances, and I admire his strength and determination to succeed.

 

When he mentioned this girl and told you she was hot and intelligent, etc. how did you handle that?

When he mentioned this girl and told you she was hot and intelligent, etc. how did you handle that?

I didn't want him to know I was jealous, insecure, I didn't want to start a row with him (about another woman... for pete's sake!), so I tried to play it down, to play it cool... but now I realise sometimes it doesn't pay to play it down. He needed to know I was feeling jealous and insecure. The whole issue could been avoided if he had taken the time to communicate and explain to me in more detail, who she was and why she would be helping out etc.

 

My husband and I would have had a very lengthy discussion at that point I can tell you.

 

If you have discussed immigration and all that it entails I would think you could demand a bit more from him as far as communication goes.

How much have you pushed for answers?

How much have you pushed for answers?

I added this to an earlier post... The abbreviated version: - He said I read too much into his comments, and that I think too deep about people and conversations sometimes. He said he didn't mean anything by his comments. He said he was being honest when he told me she was attractive, but he said that did not mean he would be jumping into her bed or anywhere else with her, now or in the future. He said he was annoyed that I would think that he could be so shallow. He didn't quite fully apologize, but he admitted he could see why I might be upset. (much later, I received a text with lots of kisses and hugs, that's his way of apologizing)

 

If you have discussed immigration and all that it entails

This is not about immigration, not at all. We are both British ex-pats living abroad.

 

You have been there so many times. Did you meet his family? Do you have contact with them? Or friends of his?

You have been there so many times. Did you meet his family? Do you have contact with them? Or friends of his?

I have met a few of his friends and aquaintances, but none of his family - as they too live in another country.

[gemstem]

Hi Double oh Seven,

Thank you.

 

Sounds like he's going through the motions and is going to run out on you. I hope he doesn't because he will regret it. You need to have a serious talk with him about it and find out where you stand in all of this. You don't want to come across as confrontational and add fuel to his fire, but you need to know. It was wrong of him to make the comments he did and let him know that you're hurt, if you haven't already. Best

 

You need to have a serious talk with him about it and find out where you stand in all of this. You don't want to come across as confrontational and add fuel to his fire, but you need to know.

We both learnt a thing or two. He now knows that he should watch his mouth, and that some of his inconsiderate remarks upset me, more than I let on. I hate feeling jealous, I need to work on that... it is such a basic, raw emotion.

[Double Oh Seven]

Glad you were able to talk with him and it went decent enough. I hope things work out for the two of you.

[White Flower]

Hello again, thank you, to you, for your feedback/advice, I really appreciate it.

 

Well, I decided to do a disappearing act on him for a while (I thought maybe for about 2 weeks), but after a few days he was texting me day and night - asking me if I was ok, was everything ok at work, had he done something to upset me etc etc. I left it another day to compose myself to not sound confrontational, then I called him and told him that I had quite a few things on my mind we needed to talk about.

 

The abbreviated version: - He said I read too much into his comments, and that I think too deep about people and conversations sometimes. He said he didn't mean anything by his comments. He said he didn't think, he was being honest when he told me she was attractive, but he said that did not mean he would be jumping into a bed or anywhere else with her, now or in the future. He said he was annoyed that I would think that he could be so shallow. He didn't quite fully apologize, but he admitted he could see why I might be upset.

 

He told me he always listens to his gut feeling, and he will not be borrowing any money from the woman. He says his goal is to keep his business afloat during the recession and save money to come visit me.

 

I think neither one of us have been too clever here - This was a painful jolt to reality for me, but I can't deny what I feel for him. I really hope he makes it over to see me, but in the meantime, I will not be putting my life on hold.

He said she was hot and amazing! Words mean everything, especially in LDRs where there is a lot of IMing. Make him understand this! You lost two or more days being upset over this. Communication is everything.

 

Good luck.

[gemstem]

Dear White Flower,

Thank you.

 

Yes, exactly communication is everything. He just doesn't seem to get it. I have explained to him (again), he tells me he understands, and he will try harder, then it's ok for a few days, and then he reverts back to his old ways again! It's just so frustrating.

[White Flower]

And if he is going to make this R work, he needs to understand how to make YOU happy! Good luck hon.

[gemstem]

Hi All,

Thanks for all your feedback. I wanted to give you an update on my situation.

 

Well after we had our long talk and he explained away his comments about the hot woman, communication seemed to open up a bit more for a week or so. After some days of calls and texting, he then sent me a long text telling me about some new financial problem he has with his business, so I called him, and that was when he asked me when I would be visiting him again. Note: he didn't tell me how much he misses me and wants to see me. But instead; He told me, he only ever takes a proper rest from work when I visit him - he works 10-12hr days usually.

 

Later by IM, I asked him to come and visit me instead this time, he told me he has no money so can't visit me. I decided to test him a little, so I told him I would pay for his flight, all he had to do was sort out his ID Card and get on the plane - he told me he can't do that as he needs to be at work to earn as much money as he can to pay of the debts. I know the guy is trying to make his business work, but to turn down 2 days rest with no expenses - I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing!

Well I took the bull by the horns and asked him to justify his reasoning, as me visiting him, or him visiting me amounts to the same thing, right? He still has 2 days (the weekend btw) off work. He started to get irrate and then he said he was tired, and had to get up early in the morning and had to go. That was on 26Feb and I have not heard from him since then.

 

It seems to me, like the guy is totally self absorbed, and can only see things from his own selfish point of view. He's sulking, and in some sick way is trying to punish me (with no communication) for showing him how selfish he is.

Now, how do I extricate myself from him as stress free and pain-free as possible?

[Nicodaemos]

you said in your first post on this thread that you had declared your love for each other, more or less. More or less eh? what does that mean. Was is stated, clearly without any possible misunderstaning, or just kinda talked about, but never actually put into plain and simple statement of, I love you, I love you too. Sounds like there is vagueness in the talking you two do.

 

I am somewhat in his situation. Not really able to spare any money for things like going to see my so, and in a spot, but not as hard as his. I havent had any person be my saving grace, so to speak, but if she really has been the difference between his business going under or not, i can understand that he would kindof put her on a pedastal. It depends on his personality, cause my parents are like that somewhat. My step dad is very outgoing, and flirty at work, but only because he does so to make his clients feel at ease so he can properly fit them for thier clothing. Hes a tailor. My mother knows it is nothing, and understands its his method of work. But, not everyone can deal with someone like that.

 

Standard LDR advice, talk. always talk. But, if you were in his situation, and soomeone came along, and basically saved everything you have worked for, how would you feel? and wouldnt you want to expound on how wonderful that person has helped you. In a platonic, busniness way?just be patient, and talk about things, dont give him the silent treatment. It sounds like he didnt do it purposefully, so dont do something to him purposefully. If you always have been in a row about something, but have been together for this long, and he hasnt changed, i dunno. Maybe yall two are just one of the couples that love each other to no end, but love to push eachothers buttons as well.hopefully yall can find a way to be happy, together.

[Nicodaemos]

hmm, guess my delay makes my last post for him. Mabe he feels irritated that you asked him to abandon his work. I know, that is not what you asked, but maybe that is how he feels. If he is there, he can take care of any problems. When you are there, he can be close to his work, and take care of anything if need be, and have you next to him. That primal 'man' instinct may be coming into play with him. When you are with him, he has everything he wants, his job, and needs, you, under his protection.

 

But, by him leaving, he cant be anywhere near his business, cant be there if anything goes wrong. Yes, it may be time to ask him to make that sacrifice for you, to ask him to put himself under your care, and allow himself to become vulnerable. If yall have been talked about staying together, actually talked, and not just mused, it may be time for him to go to you. Ask him to come to the site and read around, maybe he can get a better understanding on how you feel. Good luck with it Gemstem, and take it easy.

[LikeCharlotte]

Hi All,

 

Well I took the bull by the horns and asked him to justify his reasoning, as me visiting him, or him visiting me amounts to the same thing, right? He still has 2 days (the weekend btw) off work. He started to get irrate and then he said he was tired, and had to get up early in the morning and had to go. That was on 26Feb and I have not heard from him since then.

 

It seems to me, like the guy is totally self absorbed, and can only see things from his own selfish point of view. He's sulking, and in some sick way is trying to punish me (with no communication) for showing him how selfish he is.

Now, how do I extricate myself from him as stress free and pain-free as possible?

I dated a guy just like this. UGH. Run. Get out. People who punish with withdrawal are completely messed up and you are right - self absorbed. I'd love to tell you all about it but I won't bore everyone with my past. Suffice to say that it was a disaster and never once did he realize how awful or cruel he had been. In fact it got turned around and I was accused of being the manipulator and the one who had to be "always right".

I find it hilarious looking back because that's not me at all. At the time however I took that crap and for awhile after the break-up I let it eat me up. Lesson learned and passed on to you sweetie. Walk away - this manipulation tactic is painful and can go on for a very long time. Let him have his narrow little world and you can be free to go find someone who is listening and fair when you speak to them - someone who won't make you feel as if ther might be someone better for him. People like that end up chasing a fantasy for the rest of their lives alone and unable to compromise. That sounds very lonely to me. If its any consolation I found someone who although he is plenty challenging in a different way exchanges in productive dialogue and compromises. The jerk from my past just made me set the bar higher.

 

You could write him a short letter.

Dear ****,

I appreciate that you will probably think that I am being obtuse or that I am not listening to your problems but the fact remains that you have chosen to withdraw from me rather than compromise. I want more from a partner and I intend to find it. Good luck in your business endevor. It has been very nice. Goodbye.

-You

 

and don't ever look back.

 

I was sleeping on a couch and was barley keeping myself alive and afloat when I went to visit my ldr boy. The break was good for me. He helped me by paying for everything while I was there. I was a little hesitant at first - I was losing lots of things but I didn't lose him. Now that things are going better for me I am glad that I went. He told me that it was an extension of trust to just go see him and that my life would be just as messed up when I got back. It was and I am grateful that I didn't act like a stubborn fool.

[gemstem]

Hi Nicodaemos,

Thanks for your comments.

 

you said in your first post on this thread that you had declared your love for each other, more or less. More or less eh? what does that mean. Was is stated, clearly without any possible misunderstaning, or just kinda talked about, but never actually put into plain and simple statement of, I love you, I love you too. Sounds like there is vagueness in the talking you two do.

 

About 1yr into the ldr, we talked seriously about living in the same town, seeing each other on a regular basis, to get to know each other better with a view to making it longterm i.e., living together, then marriage. We agreed on this plan for our future. About 3 months ago, I told him I loved him - I had told myself I would not say anything until he said it first. But it just sort of popped out of me one night. He said we do not see each other alot, and I should be careful what I say. He told me he did not feel the same way, but he feels something deep for me. He said he cared for me alot and knows he wants to be with me. A few days after that I was ragging him about what he said - coz it sure did Bite with a capital 'B'!!, and he said he is no good at expressing himself emotionally and talking about love and stuff, but yes, he loves me a 'little bit'. Wow, jeez, thanks a bunch!!! 3 weeks later, the woman came on the scene.

 

hmm, guess my delay makes my last post for him. Mabe he feels irritated that you asked him to abandon his work. I know, that is not what you asked, but maybe that is how he feels. If he is there, he can take care of any problems. When you are there, he can be close to his work, and take care of anything if need be, and have you next to him. That primal 'man' instinct may be coming into play with him. When you are with him, he has everything he wants, his job, and needs, you, under his protection.

 

But, by him leaving, he cant be anywhere near his business, cant be there if anything goes wrong. Yes, it may be time to ask him to make that sacrifice for you, to ask him to put himself under your care, and allow himself to become vulnerable. If yall have been talked about staying together, actually talked, and not just mused, it may be time for him to go to you. Ask him to come to the site and read around, maybe he can get a better understanding on how you feel. Good luck with it Gemstem, and take it easy.

 

Yes, he was stunned when I suggested he leave the business for 2days and come visit me. I guess from his point of view, he thinks I am being totally selfish. I don't think he is ready mentally to make that kind of sacrifice - he can't see the bigger picture, yet - if he ever will. I really think, if I told him about this site and what I had posted, he would be totally mortified and deeply offended that I had washed his laundry in public - he really would not understand.

 

Gem

[gemstem]

Hi LikeCharlotte,

 

I dated a guy just like this. UGH. Run. Get out. People who punish with withdrawal are completely messed up and you are right - self absorbed. I'd love to tell you all about it but I won't bore everyone with my past. Suffice to say that it was a disaster and never once did he realize how awful or cruel he had been. In fact it got turned around and I was accused of being the manipulator and the one who had to be "always right".

I find it hilarious looking back because that's not me at all. At the time however I took that crap and for awhile after the break-up I let it eat me up. Lesson learned and passed on to you sweetie. Walk away - this manipulation tactic is painful and can go on for a very long time. Let him have his narrow little world and you can be free to go find someone who is listening and fair when you speak to them - someone who won't make you feel as if ther might be someone better for him. People like that end up chasing a fantasy for the rest of their lives alone and unable to compromise. That sounds very lonely to me. If its any consolation I found someone who although he is plenty challenging in a different way exchanges in productive dialogue and compromises. The jerk from my past just made me set the bar higher.

 

I am so sorry to hear that you went through all that s***! But as you say, you survived it to tell the tale and pass on the message to me and others. Thank you.

 

Walk away - this manipulation tactic is painful and can go on for a very long time.

 

He told me, he only ever takes a proper rest from work when I visit him - This is a form of passive manipulation? it ensures I feel bad for him/guilty, and will visit him - and more frequently perhaps?

 

We never used to disagree so much, but I notice now that He flys off the handle real quick just lately, the stress of the business is obviously getting to him. The last time I visited him I noticed he had lost alot more weight, his hair was unkempt and he had not shaved. I mentioned how he looked and he got offended, but he did go shave and comb his hair.

Some days I feel firm in my decision to end it, I deserve better than this - then other days, I feel and know he can be so much more better than this, and I ask myself should I be patient and wait a while longer, see what happens... It still does not wipe out his selfish, and at times inconsiderate ways, or that he sulks. Can a person ever really change?

Gem

[TMichaels]

About 1yr into the ldr, we talked seriously about living in the same town, seeing each other on a regular basis, to get to know each other better with a view to making it longterm i.e., living together, then marriage. We agreed on this plan for our future. About 3 months ago, I told him I loved him - I had told myself I would not say anything until he said it first. But it just sort of popped out of me one night. He said we do not see each other alot, and I should be careful what I say. He told me he did not feel the same way, but he feels something deep for me. He said he cared for me alot and knows he wants to be with me. A few days after that I was ragging him about what he said - coz it sure did Bite with a capital 'B'!!, and he said he is no good at expressing himself emotionally and talking about love and stuff, but yes, he loves me a 'little bit'. Wow, jeez, thanks a bunch!!! 3 weeks later, the woman came on the scene.

 

Sorry gemstem, but I'm not sure he really does. Based on what you've said I think his first response was more truthful than later when you had laid into him about how lame his first reaction was.

 

Even if I'm wrong and he does love you a little bit, do you really want to spend your life with someone so emotionally unavailable?

 

Yes, he was stunned when I suggested he leave the business for 2days and come visit me. I guess from his point of view, he thinks I am being totally selfish.

 

Not sure that's the reason why he was stunned. From what you've described, I think this guy "is not just that into you" so your suggestion that he come see you was more of a "why would I want to do that?" kind of thing that he can easily justify to you and/or others (without getting into any emotional talk) as concern for his business.

 

I don't think he is ready mentally to make that kind of sacrifice - he can't see the bigger picture, yet - if he ever will.

 

What bigger picture? One with you in it? Or that there's more to life than work? Either way, it doesn't sound likely because before anyone can change, they have to see the need to and then *want* to -- and I don't think this guy sees the need or wants to at all.

 

He told me, he only ever takes a proper rest from work when I visit him - This is a form of passive manipulation? it ensures I feel bad for him/guilty, and will visit him - and more frequently perhaps?

 

I think it probably is the truth -- or semi-truth. From what you've said it sounds as if the guy is totally stressed out about his business. You *do* provide a brief respite from his worry when you visit, but I guess my question to you is, do you like being used like some sort of cure-all or drug?

 

I mean, it sounds as if your sole value to this guy is the fact that you provide a diversion. He doesn't have to lift a finger to make it happen -- he just sits home and you show up. Mention the idea of him getting off his butt and get away from his stress to come see you for once, and he flips out. Doesn't sound like a guy that really wants to see his girl...

 

We never used to disagree so much, but I notice now that He flys off the handle real quick just lately, the stress of the business is obviously getting to him. The last time I visited him I noticed he had lost alot more weight, his hair was unkempt and he had not shaved. I mentioned how he looked and he got offended, but he did go shave and comb his hair.

 

Stress will do that to a person, and if his business is in as much serious jeopardy as you've described, he's worried, scared and probably a bit desperate.

 

Some of the "symptoms" you described can also be warning signs of depression. Given the circumstances that could easily be going on with him or the weight loss could simply be from he's so concerned about money, he's scrimping on personal expenses and just not spending as much money on food.

 

He may not have realized how bad he looked as when you see something/someone every day the changes are gradual and not noticeable. Perhaps he was offended when you mentioned it as a matter of simple pride. It could have been worse -- he could have argued with you that you were wrong about his appearance or that's the way he wanted to look.

 

At least he made an attempt to clean himself up... but geez... is that saying a whole lot?

 

Some days I feel firm in my decision to end it, I deserve better than this -

 

Yes you do, gemstem.

 

...then other days, I feel and know he can be so much more better than this, and I ask myself should I be patient and wait a while longer, see what happens...

 

If you "wait" then I would disengage myself emotionally from this guy and get on with your life. Not necesarily saying cut him totally out of it, but I wouldn't make *him* your top priority. He needs to get his own stuff sorted out and decide where you fit (and so do you).

 

It still does not wipe out his selfish, and at times inconsiderate ways, or that he sulks. Can a person ever really change?

 

He is who he is -- you need to realize that.

 

He can be who he wants to be -- something that only he can bring about or change no matter how much nudging, nagging or wishful thinking you might be tempted to do.

 

The decision to either keep fishing or cut bait is always an agonizing one, but you sound like you have a level head on your shoulders, so hang tough and I am sure you'll make it through.

 

HTH,

TMichaels