oneyrmarried Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 my husband and i are both on facebook. i know his password, he does not know i know it. for some reason i got on this morning and looked at his...he had sent a message to a past girl he used to hook up with before we were together...one of the girls he was kinda with when him and i started. he had asked 'what is going on?' and she wrote back a long message telling about her ex and how she is having a rough time and then said 'honestly i miss you. your wife is so very lucky." then she writes "i woudl love to see you and maybe catch a coffee at lunch if that would be better for you" then goes on to say "you look great in your posted pics :)" WTF what do i do? i trust him but not her. not one bit. do i tell him i saw it? do i watch to see how he reacts to it?? i'm so hurt. i'm crying at work. i can't tell him i saw it cause i don't want him to know i know his password...he doesn't know i know it. i crossed the line here but i had a feeling. i had to see. now i wish i hadn't... help me...
Author oneyrmarried Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 sorry...i forgot to give any details of hubby and i. been married one year last month, been together 4 years. have a house, talking about trying to start a family in a few months, he's 30 and i'm almost 30. i'm a very jealous person...maybe that's why i think this is such a big deal. i want to say something but the more i think about it i think i'm going to watch his response...to me this is cheating...we had a truce that on facebook anything we say to 'past exes' will only be on the wall and not behind hidden msgs. and tha'ts what he's doing. i'm so hurt.....
Island Girl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Honey if you are jealous I must be crazy jealous but then again that is my husband's nickname for me...crazy. But he is just as jealous and possessive so we understand each other. Does he have similar reactions to you about this kind of stuff? I can't imagine what of anything of value one would have to say to an ex anyway. So why talk to any of them? Facebook like MySpace is the devil. In any event he has breached your agreement and now you are put in a very bad position. It may effect the way you interact and cause him to react and then well, it can get to be a HUGE mess. I agree that you are probably going to have to wait. It is really your call if you don't feel that you can put the fact that you know his password out there. I don't know your relationship or how negatively he would react to that. My husband knows I know all of his passwords and pins. I am the one who creates them but he is computer illiterate. If you do in fact take the wait and see approach are you just going to continue to view the communications and then bust him if indeed a meeting is set up? Or at the meeting? Perhaps if you get a plan of attack in place it will help you to feel less out of control? If he does have similar reactions you could plant the seed so that he has an indication of how it would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. It may make enough of a difference that he stops this altogether. ?
Island Girl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 BTW -- you have good reason not to trust her! She knows he is married yet is giving him the kind of compliments that we both know are flirtations! AND she is suggesting they meet! FOR WHAT?!! To start a book club?!! I think not.
Author oneyrmarried Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 thanks for the thoughts! i am a jealous person but i understand he can have friends, and she wasn't really an ex...just an ex hookup, which there is a difference there. not like they shared much other than chats and her wanting to hookup. for her to tell her 'you look good in your pics and then give a smiley face. that is just messed up. but she did say your wife is very lucky..so she acknowledges me she's in a tough time with her ex husband harrassing her and as i hate that for her, she doen't need to bring my hubby in that. maybe she's lonely. i dont' know. but then to say we can meet at lunch if that is a better time...she's trying to help him hide the meet-up. i'm so hurt just knowing she says this and he hastn' even responded so what do i do if htey do decide to meet...i'm going to find out where (hopefully they won't exchange freakin numbers) and then either go in or drive by and call hubby wondering why his truck is there. then my trust will be forever gone. i hope he doesn't meet up. i will be crushed. i'm going to hold off and watch...if i can...
Sands_of_time Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 for her to tell her 'you look good in your pics and then give a smiley face. that is just messed up. but she did say your wife is very lucky..so she acknowledges me i'm going to hold off and watch...if i can... Oneyr....that's a tough spot to be in. Incredibly painful for you, I'm sure. When she says your wife is very lucky I think what she means is, "I'd like to have what your wife has right now. Oh, and I'd like your husband to stand naked with his back up against the wall and I'll just back right up into him and see how it feels." I don't think she is acknowledging you as a human being, wife or anything else. She is talking to your husband and asking him out on a date. i don't think she cares who you are or how she hurts you. If you know that a horrible train wreck is about to occur and the pain is going to be intense AND YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO STOP THE WRECK why hold off on stopping it? You should act immediately before it goes any further. Don't let it get to another level because there is a good probability that you won't recover--EVER. Confront him without being mean, nasty or beligerant if you can. What is he going to say..."you broke my trust by going into my facebook account?" Sorry buddy, but your about to hook up with an ex. How about offering to give each other passwords to your accounts so there is no hiding. Just a thought...
Heroic Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 Ask him to take you to the gun range.....when your there shoot the crotch out of your target. Then let him know your so glad he will never cheat on you.
Lionblade Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 Oneyr....that's a tough spot to be in. Incredibly painful for you, I'm sure. When she says your wife is very lucky I think what she means is, "I'd like to have what your wife has right now. Oh, and I'd like your husband to stand naked with his back up against the wall and I'll just back right up into him and see how it feels." I don't think she is acknowledging you as a human being, wife or anything else. She is talking to your husband and asking him out on a date. i don't think she cares who you are or how she hurts you. If you know that a horrible train wreck is about to occur and the pain is going to be intense AND YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO STOP THE WRECK why hold off on stopping it? You should act immediately before it goes any further. Don't let it get to another level because there is a good probability that you won't recover--EVER. Confront him without being mean, nasty or beligerant if you can. What is he going to say..."you broke my trust by going into my facebook account?" Sorry buddy, but your about to hook up with an ex. How about offering to give each other passwords to your accounts so there is no hiding. Just a thought... So she should automatically assume that he's going to cheat right? In relationships, there will be many people that will hit on the girl or on the guy but does that mean they will automatically give in? You're basically telling her to defend herself from an action that might not ever happen. It's up to the OP to realize if your guy is the type of guy who might cheat or if it's really the jealous issues you mentioned that are getting the best of you. IMO, it's the latter but only you know yourself and the relationship.
Heroic Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 This woman is fishing. You can catch up perfectly fine with a note. He knows this or is monumentally naive. It is utterly inapropriate to see someone you had romantic feelings for in a situation where you can act. it's desception pure and simple. A few months ago I was contacted by my very first GF on Myspace. I immediately turned my monitor to my wife and showed her the contact. We caught up with one another but I did not freind her. I every compliment was generic and not aimed at her specifically, "Wow what a nice looking family. I'm glad you found a good man. I can see that your happy". Now she is stunning but I wouldn't tell her that, its not my place it's her husbands. Now there are women that I dated that due to the intense attraction or time spent together I wouldn't even think of responding too.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 If you and your husband are going to continue using facebook or myspace, or any other social networking site, make a rule, NO past flames allowed. It just makes things much easier in the long run. Too many fall backwards into the past and get caught up in feelings based on stuff years ago.. What your H is feeling has NOTHING to do with who that person is now. He's caught up a fantasy. Also, there's NOTHING wrong in telling an ex, I'm married now and it wouldn't be appropriate to add you as a friend. Take care.
whichwayisup Posted February 15, 2009 Posted February 15, 2009 but then to say we can meet at lunch if that is a better time... Tell him that if he goes to meet his ex for lunch then he's out the door and not to bother coming back home. He doesn't need to get sucked into her dramatic life. He may be trying to be a friend and to rescue her from the bad stuff in her life, but she MUST have other friends and family to turn to during all this, she's using your husband and if they meet it's just asking for trouble.. Don't be passive, sit and wait.. DO something about it now before it's too late.
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