He's kinda my boss and mm

February 12, 2009

I'm just putting this out there for feed back.I work in the oil field as a inspector.One of the nicest, most non judgemental men i have ever met is the GF.He really has nothing to do with me but does give me work guidance and is a go between the head inspector and myself..

Last Oct my one of my eldest daughter passed away,She was sick for almost 2 yrs.After her funeral i decided to go back to work or stay at home and turn into an alcholic.He let me confide in him and he did the same with me.He's in a non loving marriage with 2 kids.His wife has mentally abused him for 10 yrs.I had asked a friend about his wife before mm telling me all about his family sitituation and when he told me it was like having the same conversation.So i know he's not making anything up.They've had sex 3X in 5 yrs..He goes to work goes home cooks cleans baths the kids and wakes up with them.He said she'll lay in bed screaming she needs sleep if he doesn't get up with the kids..I've heard from other people also that shes a BiT@h .Not to justify at all what i'm doing is right.

Any hoo, Weve been having a relationship.A couple weeks ago he left work early to tell her he wanted a seperation and basicly she could have everything except he wanted part time custody of the kids .He said she was agreeing to it all was going smooth.Then someone calls his house and tells his wife about me and **** hit the fan..She threatened to take the kids and he would never see them again.Yes she played (the u will never see the kids again card).I know she can't do that but he's freaked out she will. She forbid him any contact with me.Which lasted a week,i might add.I tried to stay away also cause i was so pissed that just like that because she said so i was traded in or i mean thrown away.After him telling me how much he loves me blah blah. We talked and here i am back again.

I have never met a man like him,I want him all to myself and i'm so scared now he will stay for the kids,I asked him yesterday ho long he figured I should wait for things.I told him i was reading on this site and some ow wait for years.My god,thats along time being alone and on holidays.He said he would wait for a life time for me,That he loves me just that much.

I told him he's not the one that has be alone.I go through a really hard time at home missing my daughter.I gotta keep busy at all times or i break. Also I'm really scared to be thrown away again, He thinks if he waits a few more months and then brings it up again it will be going great like the 1st time.(untill the Call)

I told him no way because now she knows if he leaves its because of me.

She will be just as pissed,I think anyway..

I just personally don't understand,They don't cuddle,have sex, she doesn't talk nice to him and she gets everything.She was ok with him leaving(untill the call).Why now does she not want him to leave and honestly who doesn't have sex with their husband.Like for years at a time.

Well thats my story:(

February 12, 2009

Do you have any proof that she knows about you? Were you putting pressure on him to leave her before they had their talk?

It's all a bit suspicious tbh. They may never have had the talk in the first place because he chickened out.

Also, if he does so much for the kids why couldn't he consider going for full custody if the wife is as lazy as he says?

Nice guy yes but maybe you need to take a step back here and do your own investigations into what's going on.

Fair enough, the friend has told you about their bad marriage. But maybe he has no intention of leaving ever?

February 12, 2009

She called me also left me messages on facebook..I also went through a devorce after my daughter got sick.I believe the children should not be used as a pawn.I think each parent has different values and morals to bring to their children and no child should ever feel like they need to choose.I think keeping each parent as equally involved is the best.We've talked about it.Maybe i am pushy.lol Its nice getting feed back

February 12, 2009

She called me also left me messages on facebook..I also went through a devorce after my daughter got sick.I believe the children should not be used as a pawn.I think each parent has different values and morals to bring to their children and no child should ever feel like they need to choose.I think keeping each parent as equally involved is the best.We've talked about it.Maybe i am pushy.lol Its nice getting feed back

Hi Jade. Ok so it sounds like he's genuine. However he's probably panicked at her threats.

I agree about not using kids as pawns. But if they did split, shared custody would mean his ex looking after the kids on her own at times - and according to your MM, she's lazy. So I'm asking, how would she cope with this responsibility.

Also, she has reacted to you as a lot of women react. She may not want him but she doesn't you to have him. She'll probably calm down eventually. Sounds like this marriage is all but over on both sides.

No one can say if you should wait for him - only you can work that out for yourself.

It's so sad about your daughter - you deserve to have a man at your side giving you full support through this time. Are you having bereavement counselling?

February 12, 2009

She called me also left me messages on facebook..I also went through a devorce after my daughter got sick.I believe the children should not be used as a pawn.I think each parent has different values and morals to bring to their children and no child should ever feel like they need to choose.I think keeping each parent as equally involved is the best.We've talked about it.Maybe i am pushy.lol Its nice getting feed back

I don't want my kids learning the morals that Mr. Messy had to teach. And if he had ended up with the ow, I would have fought tooth and nail not to have them be exposed to either of them. If they are that morally upright, then the A wouldn't have been a part of their lives.

And from personal experience, quite a few of the things that Mr. Messy said about me and my life weren't true.The lies that he told ow, he had also told to people who attended our church, he worked with and family members. I kept to myself so that had nothing to base their opinions of me on, except his portrayal of me. Once I got help for my depression and started to venture out more, I can't tell you how many times I heard "you aren't at all like I heard or imagined", so be careful about hearsay.

As far as sex 3-5 times a year. Unless you are the bed, the pillow or the walls around them, you still don't know that's true. You only have his word for it. Why don't you ask her if the things he is saying is true? Get her side of the story. I believe lots of AP would save themselves a lot of headache and heartache if they went right to the source of the married people claim is the problem and ask them their side of the story. Then if you decided you still don't mind being the side piece, go for it.

February 12, 2009

Why don't you ask her if the things he is saying is true? Get her side of the story.

But from her you'd only hear her side of the story. Remember that old LS saying - there's his side, her side and the truth !

Mr. Lucky

February 12, 2009

She threatened to take the kids and he would never see them again.Yes she played (the u will never see the kids again card).I know she can't do that but he's freaked out she will.

He thinks if he waits a few more months and then brings it up again it will be going great like the 1st time.(untill the Call)

Sorry, but his wife isn't just going to "forget" that he's been cheating on her if he waits a few more months to bring up divorce again! That's wishful and delusional thinking on his part.

Tell him to talk to a LAWYER. She can't prevent him from seeing his children, and a lawyer will explain that to him, along with his other rights and responsibilities in a divorce. If he won't go to a lawyer, then he's not serious about divorcing.

February 12, 2009

How does one do this for years ? I'm a reck after a few months. I do need someone emotionally to be there for me. Work is all I have that makes me keep it together. I'm so heart broken all the time. I try not to judge anyone because until u walk in their footsteps u don't know. I don't know his w. All I know is hear say. I don't believe because she's lazy doesn't deserve her kids. I wish I could just shut my feelings off. It would make things way nicer. I know he would never talk bad about her to anyone. I'm the only one he talks to about anything with. He just doesn't believe in talking bad about anyone. Not trying to defend him at all. Cause if its that ****ty why be there. I don't get it. His only answer is he just has lived with everything.

February 12, 2009

I'm the only one he talks to about anything with.

You sure about that?

This guy certainly has played the victim card in all this, he's quite the martyr..(sp?). Things probably aren't half as bad as he's made them out to be at home. That's part of the ploy of keeping someone on the side, to make it seem like his life is hell and he's barely surviving, but having you in his life keeps him happier.. Realistically, all it means is, he's got TWO women to meet his needs now.

I'm a reck after a few months

Then find the strength to end it before you become MORE attached. What's the point of being with a MM who isn't going to leave his wife and kids? Staying the OW is just going to hurt you in the long run.

February 12, 2009

Jade,

IMO, this sounds like bunk. Its tried and true cheater speak - heard it a million times in a million variants by a million OW.

Rarely does the H leave.

Oh I know - you have independent verification. Except I would venture to say THEY know how bad it is from HIM.

Point is, its rarely truly THAT bad.

Let me pick some quotes out here Jade.

A couple weeks ago he left work early to tell her he wanted a seperation and basicly she could have everything except he wanted part time custody of the kids .He said she was agreeing to it all was going smooth.

He told you this. And what ACTIONS did he take. Verifiable ACTIONS. Does he have his own place? I would think separation would entail exactly that - separation. See where I'm going...words dear...only words. No ACTIONS to support what he claims is true.

Then someone calls his house and tells his wife about me and **** hit the fan..She threatened to take the kids and he would never see them again.Yes she played (the u will never see the kids again card).I know she can't do that but he's freaked out she will. She forbid him any contact with me.

How convenient. Just after their big TALK where he wants to move out...some anonymous person calls the W and spills the beans. And now he CAN'T leave. Bad luck I guess.

More likely he got busted. And then, like most cheaters, threw you under the bus.

,I want him all to myself and i'm so scared now he will stay for the kids,I asked him yesterday ho long he figured I should wait for things.

He said he would wait for a life time for me,That he loves me just that much

Oh Gawd. He tells you to wait while he goes on living his life at home with his W and kids - leaving you dangling in the wind...waiting and hoping he leaves the awful no-good horrible very bad marriage.

I just personally don't understand,They don't cuddle,have sex, she doesn't talk nice to him and she gets everything.She was ok with him leaving(untill the call).Why now does she not want him to leave and honestly who doesn't have sex with their husband.Like for years at a time.

NO one does. Usually because its NOT true. And we're back to where we began Jade.

It simply sounds like the same bull***** cheaters tell the OW/OM. Do NOT listen to his words but watch his ACTIONS.

I know you are in a bad place. And you feel beat down and sad and weak. ANy ray of hope or goodness is seemingly magnified a 1000 fold.

But he is a false messiah.

Here's an action you can take. If he can't leave because he fears he will lose custody in the divorce...pacify that fear of his.

Call a local divorce lawyer. Any. Pick one. Schedule a 60 minute consult for your MM. This will NOT be free. So YOU pay the one hour fee for the MM. Tell your MM of it and then your MM can hear the truth from a TRAINED LAWYER in your area the truth about visitation.

Best coupla hundred bucks you WILL ever spend.

February 12, 2009

So every night this gem of a cheating husband goes home and cooks nd cleans and cares for his children because his wife is a bitch who does nothing? Ok so when exactly does he have time for you?

By any chance your friend who confirmed the condition of his marraige was she someone hot who he was trying to get into the pants of too?

Why would he ever let her have any custody if she does not care for these kids? Why would he believe she could even get custody if he is the hero and she is such an awful person?

Does demonizing a woman you do not know make you feel better about sleeping with her husband and the father of her children?

I always love when I read the wife is this horrible horrible person and the cheating mm some sort of martyr. What boloney. Why did he not divorce her sooner if she is this lazy good for nothing who has abused him for TEN years and doesn't even care for the kids.

So they have had sex only 3 times in five years? Anyone want to bet he has 3 kids under5?:laugh:

February 12, 2009

But from her you'd only hear her side of the story. Remember that old LS saying - there's his side, her side and the truth !

Mr. Lucky

This is true. The reason I think you should get her side is because she does have one. It is better to have two of the three sides instead of taking just his version of events. Of course neither will see what they contributed, but I would bet he has only listed the wife's faults, not his or anything(if anything) he contributed to her behavior.

February 12, 2009

I agree that there are three sides to every story. As a BS, I WISH I had talked to my stbx's first wife and investigated a little (Okay, A LOT! ) before I decided to marry him, but believed that SHE was the "evil bitch." There IS a reason he only has 20% custody of his children...and I know ALL the reasons why NOW! No, I was not perfect in the marriage, I dealt with things the wrong way....so yeah, I probably did seem "crazy" (Hell, & I FELT crazy much of the time!) or like a complete "bitch"...while he looked like the "nice" family guy. He was/is a very good manipulator! I can tell you that being away from him, I am far less crazy & far less bitchy!

If I were you, I'd investigate further...do not go just by what he (Or his friend's for that matter!) are telling you! Take it with a grain of salt....you may have just dodged a bullet here! JMO. I'm sorry you've been hurt by this.

February 13, 2009

This is true. The reason I think you should get her side is because she does have one. It is better to have two of the three sides instead of taking just his version of events. Of course neither will see what they contributed, but I would bet he has only listed the wife's faults, not his or anything(if anything) he contributed to her behavior.

I agree with what you say. Hopefully the OP understands that each person in these melodramas has their own agenda, herself included. One doesn't have to read too many of these OW posts to see that it's easier to rationalize being (and sleeping) with the WS if you feel that you're fulfilling some need that is unmet in their marriage. I don't think I've seen a thread yet where the OW starts off with "I'm just a booty call"...

Mr. Lucky

February 13, 2009

I don't understand why you would want such a 'wimp' for yourself..

Honestly.. his W abused him for 10 years.. and he's still hesitating to leave her.. come on...

February 13, 2009

I really don't understand either. I've always prided myself to be stronge. I have mostly daughters one son. I never wanted my girls to depend on a man. I've wanted my son to communicate with girls. My oldest girls are gonna be 18 this summer. Well I guess one. I have twins and yes had them at 18 myself. I know I'm broken. Trust me in every way. I never thought in a million years he would have cheated on his wife. I was watching him flirt and shaking my head thinking wtf. I asked him today what he was getting his w for valentines day. He told me a peace keeping card. My heart almost fell outta my chest. I was so upset. I told him I couldn't do this. How can I sit back and be ok with that. Who wants to be alone. More alone then I am. I thought my daughter some magical way brought us together. It might sound weird. I just thought she would be putting good luck in my life. He wore me down today and seemed to explain his actions away. I do know I don't wanna be alone waiting for him with year after year passing. In the other hand its hard to believe someone would be that manipulative for some tail once a week.

February 14, 2009

In the other hand its hard to believe someone would be that manipulative for some tail once a week.

Go into any local bar and watch how much time, energy, effort and money some guy will spend trying to pick up on some girl. Compared to that, your bed is the express lane.

As is often pointed out in these threads, you can get to the bottom of this fairly easily. Cut him off, don't have sex with him and see how long he sticks around...

Mr. Lucky

February 14, 2009

Jade

"My wife abuses me, we dont have sex, and I'm staying for the kids'

That is the MANTRA of every MM seeking an affair.

"The wife will take my kids away"

Also said VERY often - so he looks like the good guy martyr. This is the US, divorce happens, she CANNOT take the kids...and she sounds to lazy to find the ambition to kidnap them , change their names, and leave the country - which is what she would have to do.

"He would wait forever for you" Easy to say when you're not the one waiting. Those are words...what are his actions? He buys his wife a Valentine.

He chose you because you are vulnerable. Your believing this line of crap and considering waiting is proof that he is taking advantage of your lonliness. His workplace flirting was fishing.

February 14, 2009

I asked him today what he was getting his w for valentines day. He told me a peace keeping card. My heart almost fell outta my chest. I was so upset.

You asked, so when you ask questions like that, expect an answer you may like back in return.

Remember how it upset you and hurt your heart. Remember this pain because if you CHOOSE (and it IS a choice) to stay in this affair, then you will have alot of pain and heartache to deal with. Noone is holding a gun to your head, you can end it and walk away ANYTIME you want.

February 14, 2009

It's kind of easy to take advantage of people when they hit rockbottom and quite frankly i think that's what he's done to you. Whether he mans up or not, you can wait and see if you want because i think the bigger issue is that you lost your daughter and you are not coping on your own. Could you do counselling? Grieving takes years & the way you're going, you've clutched onto a sinking ship (i.e. him) rather than a liferaft.

I really don't understand either. I've always prided myself to be stronge.

Seriously, sometimes the strongest people fall the hardest when they're vulnerable so let this mistake go and work on yourself & your children.

February 16, 2009

Everything i hear makes sense.When i talk to him and tell him i need more, that i can't wait for him and i really need a friend.He talks his way back..I agree his wife doesn't deserve what he's doing at all..V-day was so lonely it really sucked..

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