redant Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I get extremely pissed. I don't say anything but my whole mood will change for hours. I am paranoid of being a rebound because I have been in my last few relationships. We were at a store. I pointed out a bat feeder immediately he said he would have bought one in the past but his ex didn't want him to. I agreed with her opinion, he argued his point and I said well get one!! Just him mentioning her angers me but maybe hurts me cuz I think he loves her or she was in his life for 1 1/2 yrs. Me only 2 1/2 months they broke up last august. Him complaining about her brings bad memories of last guys I dated who were still emotionally tied to exs. Other than that things are smooth we have good times. I just get very emotional over any mention of his ex althouh it's not often. What is the best way of handling this? I can't control what he says so maybe I have to roll with it unless I see it is a major issue. I thought I would put it out there and see what the LS experts thought! Thanks for listening!!
SoulSearch_CO Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Well, honestly, my X was a big part of who I was for 5 years. He had a part in shaping who I am today. If I had to worry that my current BF got upset every time I brought up my X, I'd feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells. And I most absolutely am not in love with my X anymore. I learned a lot from that relationship, however. I like sharing some of the things I've learned (to do or NOT to do). I think the comment about his X and the bat feeder was pretty tame. Now if he started comparing your sexual styles, giving unsolicited advice, then I'd be worried. I can understand why you'd be gun-shy given your experience. But cut the guy a little bit of slack. His X is an X for a reason. You're in his life now. And nothing kills the romance quicker than jealous-over-nothing GF.
Author redant Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I'm going to take your advice thanks.
MSUE Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I catch myself doing that quiet often I'll lokk at something random somewhere and be like oh 'Nick" had one of those...something silly that I see nothing wrong but it makes my BF nuts...just let it go...seriouslyit more than likely means nothing I know cause i find myself in your BF's shoes a lot and I know that I mean no harm
dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Well, honestly, my X was a big part of who I was for 5 years. He had a part in shaping who I am today. If I had to worry that my current BF got upset every time I brought up my X, I'd feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells. And I most absolutely am not in love with my X anymore. I learned a lot from that relationship, however. I like sharing some of the things I've learned (to do or NOT to do). I think the comment about his X and the bat feeder was pretty tame. Now if he started comparing your sexual styles, giving unsolicited advice, then I'd be worried. I can understand why you'd be gun-shy given your experience. But cut the guy a little bit of slack. His X is an X for a reason. You're in his life now. And nothing kills the romance quicker than jealous-over-nothing GF. I agree with this. Some people have a large impact on our lives, and it's healthy and normal to still recall things that remind you of them. If it weren't for those in our past, we wouldn't be who we are today.
Author redant Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I'm going to let it go it upsets me and I get angry thinking he has not taken the time to completely heal but we are all different I don't bring up my x because I feel I want to start new and I think he should do the same plus it brings up fears when he does. I want everything perfect I guess but I can't control him. I am going to enjoy what we have and hopefully build a great rela. Thanks again!!!
dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Nothing is ever perfect, and you can't ever make things perfect. Honestly, a relationship with no flaws is a fake one. There's always going to be something that annoys you about your partner, that's normal. It's just about how you deal with it.
Author redant Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I agree plus it is not excessive
Trialbyfire Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Unless there's substance abuse or a mental disorder, each person has ownership of part of the reason why it ends. Does reference to his ex happen quite often or does he always speak about her in a negative light or bitter ways?
Author redant Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 It's not often but it's bitter reminds me of past relationships where the girl ex did not allow the guy to be a certain way and he resents it. It's happened prob 3 times in 3 months. I guess I personally try not to blame another so I don't expect him to
Author redant Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I'm paranoid about being a rebound or not being loved
Trialbyfire Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Three times in three months? Not a big deal. Does he own his portion? It's also just as bad if he claims full ownership of the problems because that's just a control thing. In believing that he has full ownership, it's a fracked up way to believe he could have controlled the outcome, without any concern about her feelings.
Author redant Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Hmm intersting I may lean towards the control thing. I don't talk to him mush about his past gf nor mine. I want would like to start with a clean slate if possible. Thanks for ur words.
socialight Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 soulsearch is 1000% correct. Your focus on being a rebound is going to be self fulfilling if you keep it up. The best thing to do is when he mentions memories or other things about how it was with his ex is to talk about "how it is going to be with us". Keep replacing the memories with new agreements or experiences.
burningashes Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 If it bothers you so much, why don't you tell him not to bring his ex up? You could explain that there's really no reason for him to bring his ex up and that it bothers you when he does. If he cares, he'll stop.
Island Girl Posted February 14, 2009 Posted February 14, 2009 I think mentioning exes is unnecessary. It can cause problems where there weren't any - this thread is proof of that. And there is a reason they are exes. That relationship is over and has been replaced. Why talk about it? Why mention it? Should your current guy/girl care? Because I can tell you they don't. They don't care that you went to Disneyland together or couldn't buy a bat feeder - whatever. Those comments have no value except to the one saying them so just think them instead. I guess I've got my brain trained because I don't even think them.
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