dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 So I went on my dinner date tonight. It wasn't horrible, but I wasn't really feeling any chemistry. He was very polite. Made a lot of conversation. He was easy to talk to. A little thinner then me (and I'm 125 pounds), which normally I'm not attracted too. I normally like my guys bigger then me. The conversation was going okay, we were talking about work, what we do. Then he said "I'm the kind of guy that normally lets people walk all over me". The interest that I did have at that point, which was so so, dropped quite a bit. I did learn that he was in a serious car accident in 06. Shattered his spine, no one thought he'd walk again. A year after that he was diagnosed with OC. He said before all this, please don't judge me. Which I'm not basing my judgement off of this what so ever. The truth is, I was border lining between friends and possible interest. We talked some more. After we finished eating. I know he wanted to hang out some where else, but I was ready to call it a night. I was getting tired (no not an excuse, because I did enjoy hanging out with him, just not sure if I'm interested in dating him). I told him possibly we could do something again Saturday. He walked me to my car, which he ended up being parked next to (we met inside). He was looking for a place to set the take home down at, so I knew he was planning on going in for the kiss. I tried just giving him a hug, because I didn't want to lead him on at this point, not knowing if I would go out with him again, but he wasn't getting it (or just not wanting to get it). Hung onto me, and ended up trying to kiss me. He then proceeded to ask if I wanted to talk with him for a bit in his car. I told him no, I needed to get going. He said, "please, just for five minutes". The pleading thing turned me off a bit more. I was chit chatting with my mom about this. She thinks I should give it another chance and see what happens. I'm not so sure about that. What do you guys think? Oh and for those of you who read my "nervous" thread. I did disclose the smoking thing to him, and it didn't seem to bother him apparently.
BCCA Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 It sounds like youre not interested and he's somewhat desperate. He 'tried' to kiss you, as in, it was rejected? To me, thats pretty much a done deal. Dont waste this guys time anymore, or your own for that matter. You would only be going out with him again because you had nothing else to do. Not worth it for either of you, and it sounds like he could turn creepy real fast.
confused_2008 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Hmm, why would you admit to letting people walk all over you on the first date? or ever really? Maybe he was just nervous. I'm not a gal but I'd say as long as you didn't come across any total dealbreakers why not give him another chance? A lot of people get nervous on first dates and you said he seemed polite and the conversation flowed fairly well.
Author dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 It sounds like youre not interested and he's somewhat desperate. He 'tried' to kiss you, as in, it was rejected? To me, thats pretty much a done deal. Dont waste this guys time anymore, or your own for that matter. You would only be going out with him again because you had nothing else to do. Not worth it for either of you, and it sounds like he could turn creepy real fast. Tried meaning, I think he wanted to slip me the tongue, but I just kept my lips pressed. I had mixed feelings, and didn't want to lead him on. I already have an email from him asking what I would like to do next time.
Geraltt Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Tough call, frankly. He told you the truth about something that must have been very hard for him to say (the "let people walk all over me" line). And he opened up emotionally when he asked you to hang out for an extra five minutes. So, on the plus side, he's open with you and in touch with his emotional side. But I get the fact that women generally don't find this particularly attractive. That's the downside - he displayed what's commonly thought of as weakness (actually, it isn't weak at all, but it can come across like that). I would suggest one more date. He was probably nervous, so give the dude a chance. However, if it's clear that you don't have any attraction for him, then part with grace. Don't do the whole "friends" thing with him.
BCCA Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Tried meaning, I think he wanted to slip me the tongue, but I just kept my lips pressed. I had mixed feelings, and didn't want to lead him on. I already have an email from him asking what I would like to do next time. Ah, I see. I usually dont let myself walk the line on things like this. If its not 100% yes I want to go out with someone again, than its a no to me. Usually, your gut feeling is pretty right on, and I feel like you should be pretty high on someone after your first date if youre interested. Are you interested in dating this guy? Thats what he wants. I wouldnt try and find a new friend in this person, I think it could get ugly. He sounds kind of clingy/desperate, from what youve told me, and the begging for 5 minutes of hanging out would totally turn me off. But Im a guy, so maybe I see things differently.
Author dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 Tough call, frankly. He told you the truth about something that must have been very hard for him to say (the "let people walk all over me" line). And he opened up emotionally when he asked you to hang out for an extra five minutes. So, on the plus side, he's open with you and in touch with his emotional side. But I get the fact that women generally don't find this particularly attractive. That's the downside - he displayed what's commonly thought of as weakness (actually, it isn't weak at all, but it can come across like that). I would suggest one more date. He was probably nervous, so give the dude a chance. However, if it's clear that you don't have any attraction for him, then part with grace. Don't do the whole "friends" thing with him. I like the fact that someone can be open. And those things didn't bother me. But hearing that he usually lets people walk all over him was not a turn on. I don't want a doormat. I want a guy who can assert himself in a healthy way. Ah, I see. I usually dont let myself walk the line on things like this. If its not 100% yes I want to go out with someone again, than its a no to me. Usually, your gut feeling is pretty right on, and I feel like you should be pretty high on someone after your first date if youre interested. Are you interested in dating this guy? Thats what he wants. I wouldnt try and find a new friend in this person, I think it could get ugly. He sounds kind of clingy/desperate, from what youve told me, and the begging for 5 minutes of hanging out would totally turn me off. But Im a guy, so maybe I see things differently. It did turn me off a bit, then the immediate email when I got home.
BCCA Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 It did turn me off a bit, then the immediate email when I got home. I find that to be a tad creepy after a first date. He sounds desperate to be honest.
manugeorge Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 It did turn me off a bit, then the immediate email when I got home. I find that to be a tad creepy after a first date. He sounds desperate to be honest. I know that feeling. But I say give him another chance, what will it cost you? Some people can be so nervous on the first date that they just overact. We don't always make the best first impressions. If he gets too excited again the next time just say thanks but no thanks.
Tomcat33 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 It did turn me off a bit, then the immediate email when I got home. I find that to be a tad creepy after a first date. He sounds desperate to be honest. If he were the cool cat that makes your heart sink every time he looks at you and you had a FANTASTIC date and he blew your socks off you'd be totally excited he emailed you when you got in to tell you he had a good time. I think MOST women would, no? It's not fair to call it "creepy" when a guy you are not into does that. Dreamrgrl, personally I always go on a second date when on the fence after the first time. On another point though, and how can I say this so it does not come off bithcy, because I can totally see what the appeal in having someone who doesn't totally do it for you make you doubt how interested you truly are in him since they are SO into you, but if he is sort of loser-ish and "desperate" which is what you are implying given the more negative things you had to say about him than good, then why would you entertain the thought of going again? What do you think you are missing out on?
Author dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 If he were the cool cat that makes your heart sink every time he looks at you and you had a FANTASTIC date and he blew your socks off you'd be totally excited he emailed you when you got in to tell you he had a good time. I think MOST women would, no? It's not fair to call it "creepy" when a guy you are not into does that. Dreamrgrl, personally I always go on a second date when on the fence after the first time. On another point though, and how can I say this so it does not come off bithcy, because I can totally see what the appeal in having someone who doesn't totally do it for you make you doubt how interested you truly are in him since they are SO into you, but if he is sort of loser-ish and "desperate" which is what you are implying given the more negative things you had to say about him than good, then why would you entertain the thought of going again? What do you think you are missing out on? I was put off by it because it was a continuing of pleading for more. I told him 3 or 4 times I had to get going. I said possibly we could go do something Saturday, not for sure, and he's already asking what we are going to do. I don't think the whole date was negative, but there were some points that made me less interested. What woud you say to someone who told you they usually get walked all over? How would you feel with constant pleading for more time? I'm just curious. I know I've had dates where I felt nervous, and screwed stuff up, and wished I had a second chance, which is why I am considering.
blind_otter Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I vote no. You can't manufacture chemistry, and it's always more fun to hang out with someone who knocks your socks off.
Trialbyfire Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Another no vote. He's too...soft and too much all at once. If he'd asked you out for another night on your date, with some reasonable confidence that you would accept, that's one thing. To misjudge the take down, when you were avoiding it, then plead, then email afterwards...no.
chrislovestosurf Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 So I went on my dinner date tonight. It wasn't horrible, but I wasn't really feeling any chemistry. He was very polite. Made a lot of conversation. He was easy to talk to. A little thinner then me (and I'm 125 pounds), which normally I'm not attracted too. I normally like my guys bigger then me. The conversation was going okay, we were talking about work, what we do. Then he said "I'm the kind of guy that normally lets people walk all over me". The interest that I did have at that point, which was so so, dropped quite a bit. I did learn that he was in a serious car accident in 06. Shattered his spine, no one thought he'd walk again. A year after that he was diagnosed with OC. He said before all this, please don't judge me. Which I'm not basing my judgement off of this what so ever. The truth is, I was border lining between friends and possible interest. We talked some more. After we finished eating. I know he wanted to hang out some where else, but I was ready to call it a night. I was getting tired (no not an excuse, because I did enjoy hanging out with him, just not sure if I'm interested in dating him). I told him possibly we could do something again Saturday. He walked me to my car, which he ended up being parked next to (we met inside). He was looking for a place to set the take home down at, so I knew he was planning on going in for the kiss. I tried just giving him a hug, because I didn't want to lead him on at this point, not knowing if I would go out with him again, but he wasn't getting it (or just not wanting to get it). Hung onto me, and ended up trying to kiss me. He then proceeded to ask if I wanted to talk with him for a bit in his car. I told him no, I needed to get going. He said, "please, just for five minutes". The pleading thing turned me off a bit more. I was chit chatting with my mom about this. She thinks I should give it another chance and see what happens. I'm not so sure about that. What do you guys think? Oh and for those of you who read my "nervous" thread. I did disclose the smoking thing to him, and it didn't seem to bother him apparently. No, you arent into him so just save his time and yours. At least you gave it a chance and seems like you really want to give it a chance even though it wont go anywhere. Dreamergrl, I think you should go out with me instead!
Stockalone Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 If he were the cool cat that makes your heart sink every time he looks at you and you had a FANTASTIC date and he blew your socks off you'd be totally excited he emailed you when you got in to tell you he had a good time. I think MOST women would, no? It's not fair to call it "creepy" when a guy you are not into does that. If a woman likes a man, he shows confidence by making contact so soon and she gets all giddy over the fact that he is obviously into her. If she doesn't like him, he becomes a needy loser for doing the exact same thing. No offense meant, dreamrgrl. The conversation was going okay, we were talking about work, what we do. Then he said "I'm the kind of guy that normally lets people walk all over me". The interest that I did have at that point, which was so so, dropped quite a bit. Hung onto me, and ended up trying to kiss me. He then proceeded to ask if I wanted to talk with him for a bit in his car. I told him no, I needed to get going. He said, "please, just for five minutes". The pleading thing turned me off a bit more. I was chit chatting with my mom about this. She thinks I should give it another chance and see what happens. I'm not so sure about that. What do you guys think? ... I know I've had dates where I felt nervous, and screwed stuff up, and wished I had a second chance, which is why I am considering. The things I bolded are not because he is nervous. That is a part of his personality. I get much better in a relationship, but exhibit some of this neediness when I date. So that could be the case with him. But I would never go around telling a woman that I let people walk all over me (because I don't let people do that) or beg for 5 minutes (why, if I couldn't convinvce you before, what could 5 minutes and begging for it possibly change to my advantage). That means he will always be either a real doormat or at least a man who will be the passive part in the relationship. At best, he will from time to time take the lead if you force him to. You know that type of man is not for you. I am usually all about second chances. But I don't think it will make much sense in this case. You said conversation went okay. You have personal experience with being nervous on a date. Is a fluent, or an okay conversation typical in that case? For me, conversation gets akward if I get nervous, I screw up there. I don't have an okay conversation and then start to plead for more time and make it known that I am a doormat. I am not saying don't give him a second chance. But I think you only should do that if you truly believe that he was only being needy because he was nervous and not because that is a part of who he is. If you give him the benefit of the doubt, then go for a second date.
CommitmentPhobe Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 If you keep him around, you'll only walk all over him. Everybody does!
Author dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 If a woman likes a man, he shows confidence by making contact so soon and she gets all giddy over the fact that he is obviously into her. If she doesn't like him, he becomes a needy loser for doing the exact same thing. No offense meant, dreamrgrl. None taken. There is a gray area to this though. I do like certain qualities he showed, however there are some characteristics that I was not fond of. The needy part. Should he have not come across as needy during the date, that email would have been taken a lot different. But by pleading and begging, that email was too much on top of it. You said conversation went okay. You have personal experience with being nervous on a date. Is a fluent, or an okay conversation typical in that case? When I get nervous, I tend to lower the volume of my voice, kind of shy like. I fumble with what to say, how to say it. Things that normally come across as funny or witty end up being a jumbled mess. He talked quite a bit, but sometimes it seemed like he was trying hard. Which that part to me is fine. I like the attempts at conversation, even if it doesn't go well, I just don't like the doormat type of behavior, nor the overly needy and not accepting no.
BCCA Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I dont think youre interested. It shouldnt be such a difficult decision, and the fact that it is tells me this guy has all but turned you completely off, and the only thing a second date would accomplish is hammering that home.
Stockalone Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 When I get nervous, I tend to lower the volume of my voice, kind of shy like. I fumble with what to say, how to say it. Things that normally come across as funny or witty end up being a jumbled mess. That was what I was getting at. And I think that is how it is for most people who are a bit on the shy side and get nervous. He talked quite a bit, but sometimes it seemed like he was trying hard. Which that part to me is fine. I like the attempts at conversation, even if it doesn't go well, I just don't like the doormat type of behavior, nor the overly needy and not accepting no. Nothing wrong with that. That is also why I think it doesn't make much sense to go out with him again. If he is that passive, that hardly ever is because a guy is nervous, but because he actually is passive. And you are looking for a man who is more asertive.
Author dreamergrl Posted February 12, 2009 Author Posted February 12, 2009 I guess unless a guy does something rude or horribly wrong, I always have trouble with this part. I second guess myself, like I wonder if I'm just being picky or mean. I feel bad because he wasn't a bad person.
BCCA Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I guess unless a guy does something rude or horribly wrong, I always have trouble with this part. I second guess myself, like I wonder if I'm just being picky or mean. I feel bad because he wasn't a bad person. Its true, you do have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. Even still, sometimes you find a few princes along the way that just aren't the one for you.
DollWelch Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 How old is this man? Perhaps you should (or could) make a pros versus cons list. If either one outweighs the other, then you have your answer. () It is in your best interest to look at the entire picture as a whole; Does your heart and mind contradict? Follow your gut instinct. As much as I would like to say "No, Don't go on a second date", the better side of me can't judge this man solely on this one (first) date. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Go on a second date, because ultimately, at the end of the day, you want to be able to reflect upon the encounter with thoughts of "I don't want to have any 'What If' ideas circling around; If I try, then I can say I tried without fear of being overly judgmental/picky/high-maintenance". Note: I'm not saying you are any of those things. On the other hand, the fact that he opened up about his accident (among other things) is a major step towards communication, and selflessness.
Stockalone Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I guess unless a guy does something rude or horribly wrong, I always have trouble with this part. I second guess myself, like I wonder if I'm just being picky or mean. I feel bad because he wasn't a bad person. Look at it this way. What would he have to do on date two to change your mind? So you would think: "Hey, he isn't a needy doormat after all. I'll even go on date three with him"? Given that date one was not good, he would have to do a lot better on date two, now wouldn't he? Just answer those questions for yourself. And then, the next question is: Do you believe he can actually do that? Do you believe he has that potential? If you think that he can do it, then by all means, go on date two. If you don't think he can do it, then it's very unlikely, probably impossible for him to change your mind. And then you shouldn't go on date two.
Tomcat33 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 What woud you say to someone who told you they usually get walked all over? How would you feel with constant pleading for more time? I'm just curious. That's tough I have never had a guy be THAT frank with me on a first date. I think knowing me and how I react when I am told something that puts me off, I would have asked a few more non-threatening questions to get a better feel for what he means and to also ensure my interpretation of what he is saying is in line with what he wants me to understand. If when he answers it leads to what I was already thinking I would just leave it at "hm ok" change subject and note to self. BUT then again a comment like that comming from a guy who is selfconfident and comes across like he knows exactly what he is saying, would be intepreted as him being "coy" Where as if it comes from a guy who comes across less sure of himself and not as "articulate" or confident than I would intepret that as him being too honest for his own good. Context is everything and according to what you worte here you had more than enough "context" I dunno D the last thing you wanna do is go out with a guy 'cause you feel sort of sorry for him, ya know? As I am sure you in his shoes in the reverse would want the same. No? I am terrible at rejecting guys, I'll take rejection 10 times over having to tell a persistent guy I am not insterested, In terms of how to deal with a guy that is super insistent and you know you are not interested I would make sure not to lead him on to think there was chance for more. You need to figure out what's best for your style in terms of doing that.
Oliveman Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I think what people are failing to realize here is that normal, confident, assertive men wouldn't email asking about a second date before she even got home. That's absurd. You can sit here all night and say how if he was cool and knocked her socks off it wouldn't be creepy, but if the date went well and he had anything resembling a backbone there's no way he would have done something pathetic like that. Not saying he should wait three days or anything like that, but at least wait until the next day. Even just emailing asking her what she wanted to do speaks volumes to me. I can't even imagine doing that. You need to find a real man who can call (on the phone) you for plans and who isn't afraid to take charge and tell you what the two of you are going to do. Oh and that's a no vote for me as well...guys like this will only get harder to get rid of the longer you see them and he'll probably end up at your work stalking you or something.
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