treehugger2008 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I LOVE my husband SO much. He is my best friend. He is my soul mate. I can't live without him. We are connected in every way and all my needs are completely met by him. We have been married for 3 1/2 years, but have been together for 12. I see my whole life with him, eventually having his babies, raising a family and growing old together... 2+ years ago, OM and I came to be. We were great friends at first, but then I guess the flirting got out of hand and we took it too far. First it was kissing at work, then on weekends, we would meet up somewhere privately...then soon we made time to meet at each others houses when our spouses weren't home, where we then took it to the far limit (sex). We did that 4 times. We even said we loved each other. This lasted about 2 months... With all that emotion built up that he and I created, one evening (actually right after we had had sex), he decides to show up with his wife at the same location my H and i were at. I drank WAY too much and just seeing him with his wife, I just cried my eyes out. When asked by my H what was wrong, I was so drunk, I wasn't controlling what I was saying and completely confessed to my H. (I honestly think I this was meant to happen and I was meant to confess...) Luckily, after a long horrible weekend of crying and begging, my H didn't leave me. It was the toughest thing for me to go through ever, watching my H cry and ask why and he was so upset, he actually said he hated me. That was THE worst moment in my life. Slowly, he came around and started loving me again. During that weekend, I was messaging the OM telling him what was up. He confessed to his W. She left him for the weekend, but came back. It was so up in the air, everything...OM was ready to leave his wife for me! esp. if my H was leaving me. But that wasn't necessary and both our spouses stayed with us. It was told to me that there would be no 2nd chances for me. So for the past 2 years, OM and I have still worked in the same office together. Our spouses, for whatever reason, didn't make us quit our jobs. Obviously, it's been understood that we would not talk to each other. That being said and even though I know better... I find myself going through a cycle with OM though. We'll see each other and say hi, then we'll be nice to each other...IM'ing or emailing... then we start flirting, then MAYBE we'll slip away together and kiss. Then after that I feel all guilty and angry at myself, then I ignore OM for days, weeks, months at a time. But then, something just reminds me of OM, and I start thinking about him again, then I start IM'ing or emailing, and he does this back, then it gets flirty, then we're going through the cycle again. I KNOW I should just completely have NC with him, but it's so hard when we are in the same location day in and day out. I try to tell myself, I can be friends with him, without it going thru that cycle..but I don't think it's possible. There is an attraction there that just won't go away. Recently I've told a close friend about this and he has helped me so much. Encouraging the NC, and lecturing me when I feel like I'm going to cave and go talk to OM. However, even with the friend, I still find myself wanting the OM. I miss his kisses, I miss his touch, I miss his attention. EVEN though, I love my H's kisses, touches and attention. I don't know what to do. I know I should be doing the NC thing, but it's so hard when he is right there, and I can see him and hear him...and I know his IM screen name and email. I can't quit my job (esp in this economy)... What should I do?
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I LOVE my husband SO much. He is my best friend. He is my soul mate. I can't live without him. We are connected in every way and all my needs are completely met by him. We have been married for 3 1/2 years, but have been together for 12. I see my whole life with him, eventually having his babies, raising a family and growing old together... Everything you just said here is a lie. Best friend? Tell your best friend you are kissing the guy you screwed and broke his heart over. Soul mate? Then your soul is broken. And you have no right to use that term. Connected in every way? Then I am sure you wouldn't mind him joining to watch as you and your OM lick each others tonsils. He fills all my needs? Which need is he filling when you obsess about the other man in your mind. You want to raise babies with him? He would be a fool to have children with you. That's all he needs is a thicker chain so you will even feel freer to carry on your affair. Now lets examine what your husband gets in this deal. A cheating wife who has and continues to defile her wedding vows. A wonderful wife who has turned her husband into a cuckold. A wife who he forgave and yet spits in his face every time he kisses the OM. Do you brush your teeth when you go home before you kiss your husband hello. Or do you think he would like his mouth on yours after betraying him? Oh yes he is a lucky man. Divorce him and let him find someone who will love only him.
KismetGirl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I think you already know what kind of responses you will be getting to this question, but I suppose you just want support to do the right thing. You've already decided you love your husband and want to stay with him. OK. That's a decision half the people on here can't make, but youve made it so that should make the rest an easier decision. I understand that its not easy to just get a new job, and im not saying to quit, but perhaps you should try looking for one. You never know, you may actually find another job, which would make this all alot easier. In the meantime, there isnt really anything anyone can do or say to make you do anything. You already have a friend physically in front of you reminding you to do the right thing. You know what you need to do. you need to not IM him or email him anymore. You need to not sneak off to the copy room to kiss anymore. I wish there was some magical formula to make you just stop, but there isn't. Some people on here will suggest you tell your husband youre still fooling around with the OM, but assuming he really won't deal with it anymore, but if you want to stay married I would advise against it. BUT, you can try telling the OM to stay away from you because you want to stay in the marriage. Perhaps even threaten to tell his Wife if he continues to pursue you or contact you outside of a professional manner. That might encourage him to stay away from you, seeing as how you have trouble staying away from him. You might want to get some serious individual therapy to keep you on track as well. Despite saying you love your H, I think you are lacking some serious introspection into your situation right now. I have to ask , despite saying you love your husband and want to be with him forever, I mean, do you really? Why did you cheat to begin with? I suspect if you don't understand the roots of your desire to cheat, it will be difficult to fix things completely. There must be something you feel you are missing with your husband if you are still craving this OM so much. Might you have any idea what that is? The therapy would probably be a good place to figure that out if you are having trouble doing it on your own. So, yes.... 1) look for a new job 2) tell OM not to contact you, call you, text you, email you, or IM you anymore, or you'll tell his wife. 3) take him off of your IM list. Erase him from your email address book. If you think it would help, give your husband the passwords to your email account. This might encourage you to stay more "honest" if you know that your husband can check up on you. Tell your husband to check your cell phone bill as well to make sure the OM's number doesnt show up on there. 4) get a good therapist. Both individual, and one who deals in marriage counseling. As I said, I suspect you are lacking some serious introspection into the roots of your affair. If you don't know why you are doing something, it's hard to fix it. That's a start.
lkjh Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 The first thing you need to learn is that it is inappropriate to turn to men for help. You became friends with OM and then screwed him at your H expense. Now you are confiding in another male "friend". You are telling this new "friend" things you should be telling your H. The second thing you need to know is that there is no easy way out of this. You chose a very bad and horrible path and it will be tough getting out of. Do not expect some simple solution that does not require anything from you. First you need to quit your job and then you need to tell your H EVERYTHING. If you can not confess then leave your H. If he is as great as you say then he deserves to be respected. Lying to him is such a horrible way to treat someone you claim to love. Ask yourself if you can continue to lie to him for the rest of your life. If you have children do you want to disrespect there father in this way. 40 years from now can you really look in your H face and say you love him when your entire marriage has been a lie.
lkjh Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Kismetgirl, Do you really think lying to her H is the best way to rebuild a healthy relationship? Treehuggger, you are going to get a lot of advice but you should really research who is giving it. I don't mean to disrespect Kismet but she has several post about being the OW and how weak she can be around her MM. If you want to be in similar shoes then take the coward way out and lie.
KismetGirl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Kismetgirl, Do you really think lying to her H is the best way to rebuild a healthy relationship? Treehuggger, you are going to get a lot of advice but you should really research who is giving it. I don't mean to disrespect Kismet but she has several post about being the OW and how weak she can be around her MM. If you want to be in similar shoes then take the coward way out and lie. No, I don't think lying is the best way, but it seems that if she tells him she is slipping again there won't be any relationship to build anyway. I think she should try the things I've said, and if she still slips up, then she should tell him, at which point he'll probably dump her. I readily admit that I have weakness around my MM....but I'm not married. She is. I'm single. She has a husband she has claimed she wants to stay with, but I don't think she understands why she is doing what she's doing. I've given her some suggestions on how to stay away from the OM. If threatening to tell his wife and all the other stuff doesn't work, then yeah, she should just tell her husband because at that point I don't think any relationship will really be possible anyway. Just saying I don't think every decision can be so black/white and nicely boxed up. I'v enever advocated lying as a good thing. But if she really wants to stay married she needs to take steps to make things better. She's said herself if her husband finds out she's slipped again he'll divorce her anyway. Granted, he might have a right to know, but she asked for advice on how to stay married, so that's what I gave her. She didn't ask for the best way to be honest, because I guess if she does that, she won't be married anymore, which defeats the purpose of her asking how she can save her marriage. Just trying to answer a very difficult situation.
lkjh Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Don't you feel that her H deserves to have a say in his life too? Doesn't he have the right to know that he is being made a fool of?
KismetGirl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Don't you feel that her H deserves to have a say in his life too? Doesn't he have the right to know that he is being made a fool of? Yes, but again, she came here asking how she can stop herself beause she WANTS to stay married. She did not ask me for my moral view on her behaviour. One thing about this board that irritates me, is that people feel a need to avoid answering a question as it was asked and repeat their own moral view on what a person should do. Say it once, you are entitled to your opinion. But answer the question. if you don't like the question, you don't have to answer it, right? So, with that said, no I do not think lying is the right thing to do. Of course, if I was in the H's position, I'd want to know if my spouse was slipping up again. But she didn't ask me if she should or should not tell her husband what happened. She asked for help in how she can save her future by getting away from the OM. So I am answering her in the best way I can with someone who I know nothing about and who is in cyberspace. And since she can scroll up and read my advice, I'm not going to repeat it again, but I also said that if she continues this behaviour without making any attempt to stop it, then she SHOULD in fact tell her husband, as by that point there isn't much of a relationship to save anyway. Whether or not she will want to live with the guilt of knowing she did slip up again at one point is up to her. If she really loves her husband that much and wants to stay married, she should kick OM to the curb, but that is not the only thing to be done. She needs to get therapy to understand why she is doing what she is doing and to address this. Get what I'm saying?
Reggie Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I think you shoud tell your husband. Nothing terribly complicated about this. No need to lie. Just get it out in the open and allow him to decide if he wants out. It does not sound like you have the ability to stop doing this. Maybe the single life would be better for you.
65tr6 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 What should I do? tell your husband how you feel. That is the least you could do. I am just surprised that he is letting you work at the same location as om. Do you really love your husband ? Do you want to spend rest of your life with him ? Tell him EXACTLY what you are feeling. That is a start. Together you work on this.
Lucky_One Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 You CAN quit your job - and should. That is BS that you can't afford to quit in this economy. Wait until your H divorces you - and THEN cry about money. It's a whole lot cheaper to look for another job and tighten your belts severely in the meantime than it is to hire a divorce lawyer and divide those assets. Tell your H your struggles to maintain NC. He will be willing for you to quit.
Bryanp Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 Your comments are absolutely amazing. You say how much you love your husband and that he is your soul mate. Yet you apparently had no problem having sex in your own home and bed and betraying and humiliating your husband in the worst possible way. You confess and your husband cries and is totally devastated. What do you do? You continue to cheat on him behind his back. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? Your actions show that you have absolutely no respect for your husband, his feelings and your relationship. You are a real piece of work. Please tell your husband so he has the option of getting rid of a spouse who has a broken moral compass and find another woman who can truly love and respect him because you clearly cannot. The fact that you could have sex in your marital bed in your house shows how much contempt you have for your husband. You have played him for a complete fool and sadly you continue to play him for a fool. How in the world can you be so cruel to him? You should be ashamed of yourself.
travelgirl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I can't quit my job is the worst excuse her on loveshack. YES you can. It has been two years and obviously you can not work with this man but yet somehow you continue to work there. In all of this time, you could have put out a resume and actively pursued another job without being unemployed. But instead you say in your post, DH didn't make you - almost putting the blame on him. YOU should have took it upon yourself to leave and get another job, knowing this would help your DH in recovery. So besides telling DH what is going on (which is obvious you need to do) you need to dust off the resume and start looking for a job NOW!
Island Girl Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 NC isn't working because you keep contacting. NC means just that NO CONTACT. It isn't NC until you FEEL like it! Apparently you can not treat your best friend, love of your life, etc. with the respect he deserves and abide by YOUR word. You promised to forsake all others and broke that promise. He forgave you and you promised never again. You KEEP breaking that one. I advise you look for another job because you have stated you won't quit. -- Really you should quit and eat Top Ramen every meal if you have to because you value your marriage above all else but well, the economy is terrible, blah blah blah. I agree with the others that since you can not control yourself even though your actions are hurting the most important and most valuable person in your life you must tell your husband and let the chips fall where they may. If you do indeed love him so much then you should give him the opportunity to find someone who will value him above all.
jwi71 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 OP- NC works. Problem is, you are NOT in NC. You see him everyday. And that leads to the same situation which created the A in the first place. So, not only are you NOT in NC you are STILL having an A. The A continues precisely because you see him every day. The only way to save your M is to quit your job. You have proven time and again that you cannot just be coworkers. You MUST quit. MC will NOT work as long as you continue the A. Which is what you are doing, continuing the A. Treehugger, what do you value. DO you want your M or do you want your job and by extension your A. That's the choice. Now choose.
jwi71 Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 If she really loves her husband that much and wants to stay married, she should kick OM to the curb, but that is not the only thing to be done. And how does she do that when they work together and see each other every day?
Bryanp Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I am just curious about what you would think if you heard your husband say he loves you SO MUCH and then takes his lover into your home and into your bed to have sex with her when you are out of the house? Your actions indicate you have no problem humiliating your husband in your own home. You love your husband so much.....Oh please. Do you have any idea how foolish you sound? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your actions show how you get off humiliating, disrespecting and hurting your husband. Look in the mirror. Do you like what you see?
Mr. Lucky Posted February 12, 2009 Posted February 12, 2009 I LOVE my husband SO much. He is my best friend. He is my soul mate. I can't live without him. We are connected in every way and all my needs are completely met by him. Without even commenting on the contradiction in saying "all my needs are completely met by him" and then looking elsewhere for one of the most basic of needs, your post struck me as overflowing with neediness. Nobody is connected to someone else "in every way" and can have all their needs met by one person. I can only imagine the pressure on that person to do so. I wonder if a lack of self-esteem and belief in your own value as a partner is what has led you astray? Someone who cheats on their "best friend...soulmate...can't live without him...connected in every way...all my needs are completely met" is making a pretty big statement about what an unfillable black hole of unquenchable neediness they are... Mr. Lucky
Recommended Posts